Weights and Waits
So I think I want to get married but I sort of feel like I can't really date until I lose weight but I am not really doing anything about losing weight. My diet and exercise plan will always start tomorrow. I have lost the weight before and been in much better shape. I went to the doctor on Friday and I am near my all-time high. I don't know if I lack willpower or I just lack will.
Lilah tells me that she isn't worried, I will lose the weight when I am ready and that it is silly to force it, it is like trying to teach a child to read before they are ready (guess her occupation). Why am I not ready? What am I waiting for? And how do I get ready?
I thought I got over all my issues about dating. I thought that I had exiled myself from the Groucho club and that I had learned to value and accept myself. I thought I became the man I wanted to marry and that I had put myself on a strong growth trajectory so that I was poised to date and marry and continue growing. I like myself which is huge for me. So what is missing? What am I missing? And how do I find it?
Am I ready to share my life with someone? Am I ready for someone to really know me? Do I want to get married to someone who doesn't really get me so that I am not so vulnerable? I thought I was brave and strong and ready but I'm not quite sure anymore. I guess, that is what this blog is about- exploring what is really going on in my head and practicing letting people in. For a long time I harbored this illusion that I was self aware and open and accessible but it was all about the spin control. I controlled my image to everyone, including myself and I just didn't realize it. It's not that the picture was always so pretty but I wonder if it was ever really true. I think parts of it have been true but it is like looking through glasses that need to be washed (as mine often do) - you see something and it's real but it's not clear and it's not the whole accurate picture.
I'm trying to see myself accurately- i'm trying to spin and control less and see more. I am hoping that I can learn to feel myself so that I can let someone feel me. I'm not sure how to do it but I learned to accept myself (or some distorted version of myself which is better than the criticizing and rejecting that had preceded that) and i'm not sure how i did that either.
I think part of it is about accepting ambiguity which I am not that good at. I like extremes -i'm either at the gym every day or not at all. I have to learn to appreciate what my parents do for me while still recognizing the ways in which they failed me. I am trying to stop seeing myself as loser or wonderwoman- i am probably both at different times. Life is complicated, I am complicated.
And as I start thinking about dating and relationships, I have to remember that relationships are complicated too (as Felicity said "relationships are hard, they just are.") I don't have an uncomplicated relationship with myself of with my best friend, I can hardly expect any significant relationship to be any simpler.
Lilah tells me that she isn't worried, I will lose the weight when I am ready and that it is silly to force it, it is like trying to teach a child to read before they are ready (guess her occupation). Why am I not ready? What am I waiting for? And how do I get ready?
I thought I got over all my issues about dating. I thought that I had exiled myself from the Groucho club and that I had learned to value and accept myself. I thought I became the man I wanted to marry and that I had put myself on a strong growth trajectory so that I was poised to date and marry and continue growing. I like myself which is huge for me. So what is missing? What am I missing? And how do I find it?
Am I ready to share my life with someone? Am I ready for someone to really know me? Do I want to get married to someone who doesn't really get me so that I am not so vulnerable? I thought I was brave and strong and ready but I'm not quite sure anymore. I guess, that is what this blog is about- exploring what is really going on in my head and practicing letting people in. For a long time I harbored this illusion that I was self aware and open and accessible but it was all about the spin control. I controlled my image to everyone, including myself and I just didn't realize it. It's not that the picture was always so pretty but I wonder if it was ever really true. I think parts of it have been true but it is like looking through glasses that need to be washed (as mine often do) - you see something and it's real but it's not clear and it's not the whole accurate picture.
I'm trying to see myself accurately- i'm trying to spin and control less and see more. I am hoping that I can learn to feel myself so that I can let someone feel me. I'm not sure how to do it but I learned to accept myself (or some distorted version of myself which is better than the criticizing and rejecting that had preceded that) and i'm not sure how i did that either.
I think part of it is about accepting ambiguity which I am not that good at. I like extremes -i'm either at the gym every day or not at all. I have to learn to appreciate what my parents do for me while still recognizing the ways in which they failed me. I am trying to stop seeing myself as loser or wonderwoman- i am probably both at different times. Life is complicated, I am complicated.
And as I start thinking about dating and relationships, I have to remember that relationships are complicated too (as Felicity said "relationships are hard, they just are.") I don't have an uncomplicated relationship with myself of with my best friend, I can hardly expect any significant relationship to be any simpler.
posted by Zoe at 5:10 PM
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