In Israel

I've been doing a bit of traveling over the past few months which has required a bit of juggling since I have to work out school, clinic, research and my job responsibilities. I haven't been going anywhere too exotic and basically I have a really good reason each time. I'm in Israel for the premiere of my film (its completion should make me feel like I have tons more time as I won't be spending hours each week, including Sunday, editing the film). The premiere went well and I think that the film is good. And I think that I answered the post- screening questions knowledgeably and articulately. I'm proud of myself but for some reason not feeling really satisfied. It may be because it is 6:30 am and I stayed up to write a paper that I haven't made much progress on. It may be because I'm feeling lonely (although I have been having a lovely trip and have seen many friends and spent lots of time with Sophie, Jamie and Adam), it may be because I am feeling fat and it may be for some other reason all together- I'm not sure. I know I'm lucky and beloved and I am a good person but I think I realize now that all that isn't enough- I'm busy and productive and social and respected but I want someone to love, I want true intimacy. I think that for a long time I was scared of it- I am not sure that I always realized that I frightened, but I was. And I realized recently that I don't think I am anymore. I realized that as much as I value my independence and I am proud of my individual accomplishments and I enjoy my freedom- I am willing to trade in some of that for true intimacy. I don't need to be with someone else but I REALLY WANT TO BE. And I have to find a way to be comfortable with that and I have to find a way to find someone appropriate- I am not sure that I really know where to start. I'm going to try going out and just meeting people who are suggested to me even if I suspect that they are not going to be a good fit- I feel like that makes me feel like I am in the dating game but I'm not sure that it is the best use of my limited time. Is it worthwhile to meet someone that I suspect I wouldn't want to date? Or are my suspicions unfounded or based on something totally irrelevant or superficial?
The Kabbalist who told me (through my sister and dad) that I was afraid of getting married and didn't speak about it told my brother in law that I no longer have anything standing in my way- I just have to go out and I'll get married.
I want to build a life with someone- I am really proud of the life I built for myself, the life I am building for myself but I don't want to be alone. I have amazing friends and I love my family and my roommate but I want someone in this world who loves me more than anyone, I want someone that is the most important person to me who feels the same way about me. I have watched all of my younger siblings get married and now three of them are expecting children (Sophie's third and the boys are expecting their firsts) and I don't want children right now, but I want to be with someone whose children I want to have. I hate crying that I am the single sibling. Wanting something that I don't know how to get (I knew how to get myself into grad school- it took a lot of work but I knew how to do it, I figured out how to make a movie but this seems different- it relies on someone else who I don't know and it makes me feel vulnerable and it makes me feel pathetic even though I know it isn't.)I was sincerely happy for Erin when she got married and unselfishly filled with joy at Lilah's wedding. I was and am happy for them but I want MY turn. I don't want to keep setting people up because I don't know another way to feel like I'm making an effort (although I'm meeting some Rabbi friend of my dad's this week as he is supposed to know a lot of guys). I want to set people up in a completely disinterested fashion because I don't harbor any hopes that they will reciprocate, as I don't need them to. I just want to set people up because I want them to be as happy as I am. I am happy now- I am not looking for someone to complete me or make me into something more or make me content as I can't do that on my own. That isn't why I want to be with someone. I do appreciate my independence but it is starting to feel old. I want the belonging to someone and something that my siblings have. I want my turn. I don't want to be the one with my parents because everyone else is with their spouses and I don't have one. I miss the feeling I had with Arnie of having someone sincerely curious about you and I miss the feeling I had with Wally (although God knows I don't miss him) that someone wanted to make you happy and I miss the feeling that I had when I was with Kermit of being fully invested in someone else's happiness. And I suppose there really isn't anything pathetic about wanting those things. We all want those things. I have to accept that I want them and I won't really be able to control when and how I get them.

Being in Israel and with my family makes me realize that while I am not fully observant, I do want a truly Jewish life and it is important to me in ways that make someone who is unaffiliated inappropriate. I think figuring out what I want has been a big part of getting over being scared of committing by choosing a mate. I am committing in others ways. Spending Shabbat with my family highlighted the importance of having that be part of my life. And I haven't quite figured out the whole me-God thing and the whole me-religion thing but I feel like I am getting there and I know it is never going to fit into some box and I may never fully understand it. There is no reason why I should put stock in what a Rabbi says about my life when I don't listen to the proscriptions he has set forth regarding observance. But somehow I do. Maybe because it's easy and convenient, maybe because I want to and it may be hypocritical but somehow I don't think that it is. I do believe in God, I just haven't worked out all the details. I do know that the last time I prayed (granted its not something I do often) I did feel connected to God- but not connected enough to repeat it. I think I'll go to the Kotel tomorrow and pray for the first time in over a month. I always maintained that I didnt' like prayer because I didn't find it was meaningful (to me) but last time I prayed it was meaningful but I'm not sure that it wasn't just that I was pouring my heart out and it was better to feel that my catharsis was directed. Do I think God heard me and responded in some way? I would like to think so but I'm not sure how I think that works. and honestly at this point in my life I feel like i'm too busy to start figuring it out. Maybe my winter break would be best spent in some form of spiritual reflection and maybe I have to get over this idea that I am not a spiritual person. Although I may just have constructed an image of God that works for me.
At this point if I am not going to write my paper (which really needs to get done and I wasted a lot of time tonight procrastinating) I should go to sleep. I'm not really all that worried that I won't finish my paper on time although I would like to have finished it and to have started the paper that is due later this week (especially sinc e I shlepped books and articles for both assignments).

Break up

I think I broke up with Wally tonight in a way that made me look good. I don't feel as good about it as I thought I would. I'm not sure if it is just that I don't want to let go of something (even something less than ideal) without any other prospects, or if I am just used to him in some way (It has been 2 months since our first date) or if it is because the conversation we had prior to the break up convo made me see him differently. I ended up telling him about the things I found really distasteful that time when I decided to break up with him and it seems like I may have misunderstood some of it. In any event, I am sure that I will feel better in the morning. I don't doubt that I am ready to move on, whenever some prospects choose to appear :)
I met Harry and Sally for lunch today and they were saying how I am so much more mature and confident than I was when they met me and I think that is true. And everything else has been falling into place, dating will fall into place as well.
I should get to bed (hopefully I won't be called into the ER tonight) as I have clinic in the morning and class in the afternoon tomorrow. My weeks are about to get really crazy busy.

Quick update before I head to bed (way too late)

I started school and so far I am loving it. I am really pleased with my decision. School just feels right. I like the teachers, the other students and the general feeling. I feel comfortable there and it has only been a day and a half. So far, I like my research supervisor a lot and I think we are going to work on a new study looking at anxiety and eating disorders since he is an anxiety specialist and eating disorders are my area of interest. It is going to be really hard to juggle school, work, research and externship but having work and externship in the same place should help a bit and we are all going through the same thing and want to help each other.
I went to really nice dinner with Sigi tonight to celebrate starting school (vegeterian tasting menus are awesome as are basil mojitos!) and we walked home through the village.
I have been getting to the gym every day this week and I am hopeful that I am establishing a gym schedule that I can maintain (not daily bur regularly) during the semester- the gym and pool at school should help.
I have been really busy with Erin's wedding (which was SO much fun and really beautiful. It was a truly amazing event) and Sophie's departure so I am really behind on the film stuff. But hopefully I will catch up this weekend. I also hope to catch up with my friends this weekend. I am having dinner at Sean and Kim's on Friday night and just decided to throw an impromptu, casual party on Sat night.
Things are good (they will be better once I officially break up with Wally- this has been delayed by his dad's recent cancer diagnosis- I may not have to break up with him as it looks like we are shifting to the friend zone and I'm happy to be friends with him, I just want to date someone else. I don't know who but someone else.
there is nothing to say about Sophie and the kids leaving for Israel since I am in denial that they are really staying there. It is just not registering. I told her this morning that I didn't know how to say goodbye to her so she told me not to but I told her I still needed to hug her. I got on the train with tears streaming down my face but school was a good distraction.
I have a helpline shift in the morning and about 12 journal articles to read while I wait for calls. After that I have a session with my trainer, then a patient and then haircut. So I should really get to bed.

Change in plans

Now I am going to dump Wally (unless he dumps me first which would be great). Over IM today he revealed an angry, bitter, begrudging side of himself which among other things told me "if i had your connections, i would be very successful". He was angry that my prodigal cousin returned to the family and was accepted, since only rich kids get second chances. It was all very whiny, negative and unattractive. This is not someone I want to be with. I can handle him having a rough time and feeling down but I can't handle the victim mentality and what I really can't handle is the begrudging. As Lilah pointed out, men I admire don't behave that way or think that way. Speaking to Lilah, Joan and Bobby just confirmed what I know. This isn't the person for me. He did treat me well and was really nice to me but he isnt a big enough person for me. And as much as I hate to start from scratch, it's not a reason to stay with someone who is not what i want.
The good (and scary news) is that I start with a new patient tomorrow. I have been reading the manual on CBT for kids with depression to prepare and I talked about it in supervision today but I am still really nervous. Dress fitting, new patient, and then lots of editing- hopefully it will be productive. Oh, and I'm getting another new patient as well. My externship is really coming together. I will have at least two individual cases and I am starting intakes on Monday.
These couple of weeks before school starts are going to be crazy. I want to get as much editing done as I can, I have data entry to do for my job as we are putting together an abstract, things are picking up with my patient load and it requires a lot of prep at this point as I am still very much in training and I have helpline shifts. Not to mention Erin's wedding and trying to spend time with Jamie and Adam before they move away- and trying to see my friends before I get crazed with school. So I guess I won't have time to miss dating someone.

Dumped?

So I think Wally is breaking up with me because he thinks we might be too different and I might be too tough. He says he needs to think it through and I told him to take all the time that he needs. He says he feels like he is constantly apologizing to me and maybe that is true. Maybe I am tough on him because I wasn't scared he would leave or I didn't like him enough to care if he did. I don't know. Once I got past the initial hurt (all ten minutes of it) I realized that I really believe I am worth working hard for- I think I am something special and I don't honestly think that anything I called him out on was really unreasonable. Maybe those who get scared off are worth scaring off. Maybe I'm just being angry and defensive now, I don't know. I think I am going to go to sleep- I have to wake up early to go to the gym and I have didactics, a patient and supervision tomorrow and I am tired from spending the day editing and the evening in the ER with a rape survivor.
Anyway maybe he is just doing what I should have done but wasn't ready to- although i really think I was just giving it time. I know either way I will feel better in the morning.

Essay I wrote a year ago for potential compilation of ED essays- current thoughts to follow

Over my years (and years) of treatment for bulimia there were many ways that I made sense of my disorder- I thought I was trying to gain control of my life in the only way I felt I could. I understood it as a good girl’s means of rebellion. I thought about my disorder as a way to vomit up stress and demands, a pressure valve of sorts. In fact, for an art show in college (majoring in art history with a visual arts concentration at an expensive liberal arts college – another means of rebellion? My parents probably thought so) I created an altar to a toilet complete with a pillow with knee prints set in resin. Swirling down the toilet were all the demands and pressuring comments- both externally and internally imposed. Make no mistake about it- a lot of the pressure was internally imposed- I’m not the first nor last overachiever to have an eating disorder. But as I reflect on my years of binging and purging and the years since then I have come to believe that all of these important and real factors- rebellion, control, pressure- are triggers but they don’t really explain it. Maybe because these are the things I was able to work out.

I have been meaning to write this essay for months and I just never found the time. Oh, I found time to watch bad TV and read all of the 7th Harry Potter in one weekend. Surfing the internet and sitting on the beach- those things I managed to make time to get done. But this essay just sat on my “to do” list gathering dust. I just didn’t want to write it. While I may be a master procrastinator and I know sometimes wasting time is just wasting time, I also have spent enough time (and enough of my parent’s and my money) to know that I avoid doing things that make me anxious. So why was writing this essay making me anxious? I suppose I could have told myself that it was hard to write about what if felt like to have an eating disorder since it has been years since I was in the throes of it but I know that while I may not have made myself throw up in a long time it is not so far from me. Part of me, a big part of me, still thinks of it as a rational solution – you paint your nails a color you don’t like and you remove the polish or you eat more than you think you should have so you get rid of the food—seems logical enough.

As I was talking to a friend about a recent emotional upheaval, I referenced my eating disorder and I started to cry. I realized that I was crying because of those eating disorder issues that I was talking about are as relevant now as they were then. And that is why I didn’t want to write about it- I didn’t want to write about it because the core issues – not the triggers but the thrust of it for me- are still present. I’m still working those issues out.

Issues relating to feeling alone and the paradoxical pain of feeling connected and issues relating to a self-perpetuating alienation, issues relating to the anxiety attached to isolation and connection. Those are the ones that I haven’t gotten all figured out yet. I haven’t figured out how to really connect with other people in a way that is both meaningful and comfortable. I think this was the true purpose of my bulimia- dampening down feelings, especially these types of feelings. The feelings that if someone really knew me then I wouldn’t measure up, not in some over-achiever sense but in some basic sense of being “less than”. I was scared for so long to let people in because I was sure deep down they would find me wanting. So I threw up as a means of regulating my affect and it worked. After I threw up, all I could feel was lonely but it was a self-imposed loneliness and that made all the difference.

So what now? Now I am “cured” or “in remission” or any words that you want to use to say that I don’t make myself purge on a regular basis. And the other stuff…well, I’m working it out. I’m trying to let people in and trust that they will still love me when they see “the real me”. I think the first step is deciding that I love me enough, I know that I am not “less than” anything. Once I really know that I might trust other people to know it too.

Eh

Wally just left and I had a perfectly lovely time tonight but I'm pretty indifferent to seeing him again. If I hear from him I will go out with him, but if I don't I think I won't be that devastated. I think I'm pretty sure that this isn't for me because I don't really dig his smell. I think I miss how into me he used to be but that isn't really enough.