Weekend o' family time

This weekend was pretty much all about the family. Shabbat at my parents with all sibs except Erin. Long talk with Erin on phone on Friday - we want to try to go away together in jan on some big trip. Sat night I worked out with Meg and Will. Sunday I had brunch with the family, played games with them and watched some old home movies (the weather was abysmal). Later in the day I hung out with Lauren and Holden. It was all really nice. I had a good time and I just felt like I belonged.
Hanging out with the couples highlighted to me that I want to be part of one- it is nice to belong to a family but it is also really nice to be part of a smaller unit- and I want that. Meg was helping Will with his schoolwork and taking care of him because he didnt' feel well- it was really sweet. If she wasn't around the rest of us would have done that for him but it is different. I want that kind of different for myself. It is not that I dont have people who love me in my life- I do and I'm really lucky. I have wonderful friends and a great family and I have so many places where I feel like I belong but I want something else too. I want to connect with someone - I love that I connect with Lilah and Joan and Sarah and Sam and Lois and the rest of my friends but I want a connection with a man and a different kind of intimacy.

need to get some sleep without waiting for the phone to ring

And rape deterrent status is still set to active....Last night was the first time I went out while I was on call and kind of thought then I might get called in but I didn't. I went to dinner with this guy I dated a couple of times in the fall. We checked out Mai House for restaurant week. It was awesome. In some ways he is my male doppelganger which made for a really nice dinner. We have struggled with similar family/religious issues and it was interesting to connect with someone about it.
Finished up my processing for my new job (except drug test which I am doing tomorrow) and made some (very little) headway in lab but talked to Meredith about the fact that I NEED to publish so she is going to sit down and start writing an intro with me next week. I also got a fair amount of reading done about current research in eating disorders and I am going to start working on eating disorder related research. Making some (not enough but some) progress. I was pretty irritable today- part of it was a series of minor frustrations and part of me was just me. Not exactly sure why I was being like that. I might want to figure that out but it passed. Playing with the nephews and dinner with Elle and drinks with Simon and Elle definitely helped.
I want to go to the beach tomorrow to do my reading. I did it on Wednesday and was fairly productive (and I got some color)- I probably would have been more productive had someone not hit my car as I was turning into the parking lot. As you can imagine, my dad was thrilled- although honestly he was really nice about it- and it wasn't my fault.
I'm really looking forward to family shabbat with all the sibs (and Lauren but not Erin who isn't back from Israel yet).
In other news, I lost 4 pounds this week (I also got my period since my last nutritionist appt) but I am really trying not get obsessive. I want to create a healthy diet and exercise lifestyle that I can maintain- I am tempted to just try to do this as quickly as possible and then worry about maintenance later but I know I have done that before and haven't been happy with the results so I am trying to do it differently. I took the day off from the gym and I shared a dessert with Elle and I am trying not to feel bad about it.

On the verge

T2GT told me that he feels like I am on the verge of all these things I want and I just just have to push through. I am thinking that he is right. And I am getting frustrated with myself that I am happy to be on my way- enough of that! I don't want to be moving in the right direction. I want to be getting somewhere. I think I have been complacent and been happy to be on path- no more- it's time to be on target. I need to get a little more proactive about pursuing my goals. (Not just get in shape goal which I have been pursuing, sometimes to the exclusion of others). Goals- write paper for publication, read up on research relating to labs, get more clinical experience ---> get into grad school. Social life- get out more, do more fun things, enjoy summer in the city. Movie- raise money and start production. And I want to do this while still working out (I may have to start waking up earlier- i'm getting up tomorrow to swim so i should really get to bed now) and spending time with family. I also need a new day planner since I can't find mine and I have to stop trying to keep it all in my head - writing it down might also help me make more efficient plans.

Weekend Highlights

Lunch at Mesa Grill on Friday, Friday night Dinner at Jesse (I even went to minyan first - it was nice to be there after such a long break), Lunch at Harry and Sally's, Walking home with Sean and Kim and Scotty - it was a beautiful day, playing on trampoline and swings with Jamie, beach (I love the beach!!!! - reading and walking and drinking iced coffee- so relaxing) with Joao, exercising with Meg and Will. There was also a fair amount of sleeping, watching TV and reading the paper and a novel (A Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus) - so it was relaxing. Now I really have to focus on making this week productive. If I can be productive enough I may be able to justify driving Harry and Sally's car cross country with Lilah. I have processing for my new job tomorrow and I have to ask them when I will be starting. If it is not for a couple of weeks and I can really get work done over the next couple of days, I may be able to do this. It would be really nice to do something fun this summer and this is something that Lilah and I have been talking about for a long time.
I've been pretty good about my food choices and about exercising. I take days off from exercising and I go out with my friends- making changes that will be sustainable. I am tempted to go to extremes and I am trying not to do that. Of course I get frustrated at times at the pace of weight loss this way. Obviously I can get much faster result with lemonade or cookie diet or another fad. But I am really trying to commit to healthier, fitter, maintainable lifestyle. It's hard not to get obsessive but I am really trying to do it differently this time. I am trying to be balanced about everything in my life while still pursuing my goals- some days I do it better than others.
Time to start focusing on the goals again- I think (because T2GT told me) that I need to make smaller, more acheivable daily goals that I can complete so that I am not overwhelmed and merely moving slowly towards some large goal like getting PhD- i need a concrete task that I can complete today that is a step in that direction. If I want to get there I think this is the way I have to do it. I just have to focus, remind myself that I can do it and stop procrastinating because I dont know how to write an introduction to a paper- I have to learn at some point.

Friends and Groundhog's day

I think the parlor meeting tonight went pretty well. I am always kind of nervous at these events and I see all the flaws and think about all of the things that could have been done better or worked better at the last event and I am worried that the speakers aren't being well received but I think that I am more critical than the audience. I got a lot of good feedback (but I dont think people, especially my friends, are going to give me any negative feedback). I am concerned that I didn't explain the project itself as well as I could have. Today someone offered to make one downtown so I have an oppurtunity to do a better job next time. I am not certain how much money we brought in but I think that we had a good crowd and that the reporter got some good material for her upcoming story.
After the meeting I went to dinner with Elle and Joao (the brazilian guy who lives downtown that I met recently) and Fred (one of Bobby's best friends who I had/have a tiny crush on- I ran into him on the street and Elle invited him to join us for dinner). We just went to get pizza but it was nice just to hang out. I had a nice time on the UWS running into a couple of people- it helped that Joao told me I looked great but I knew I looked good. I felt like I looked good. I was wearing a cute and flattering outfit and I put on makeup and wore these great shoes that I bought with Sophie. It was just a nice night. I made plans to go to dinner at Jesse's with Joao tomorrow night. Elle and I made plans to go to dinner on Thursday and plan her birthday party (she wants a black tie fundraiser dinner - she is going to raise money for my project).
It is nice that it is moving forward- slowly but moving forward.
This has not been a super productive week- it has been a nice week. I went to dinner with Sarah and Chloe on Tuesday and with Savi friend on Wednesday (tribeca grill restaurant week menu was great). I swam a couple of times, exercised every day but today, met Sally at the gym, hung out with James and Adam - but it hasn't been all that productive. I got caught in insane traffic and had to reschedule my physical for my new job, I went to lab today and did maybe 30 minutes of work - I tried to do some reading but I was not processing it, I went to meeting at Sinai but stats guy wasn't there so I can't move forward with my piece of the project. I hope next week will be more productive. I know I can do more than hope- I can work and focus and make it productive.
My mom offered to send me on a summer trip but right now I have a lot going on so I told her that I want to focus on that and go away in Jan after I finish my masters and finish applying to PhD programs. I would really love to go to India. I would love to go with Lilah but I am not sure she will be able to go. I briefly mentioned it to Elle and she expressed interest but I am not sure if she was serious.
Kermit wrote me an email today telling me that he didnt' want to sound corny but he was proud of me and of this project. I think he was also proud that I am able to embrace who I am honestly. I own myself in a way that I didnt' while I was with him. It's nice to be reminded of my progress. Especially since I was reading through a couple of old emails today and I really felt like I was stuck on the same issues that I was stuck on two years ago. I was writing (to T2GT) about feeling Iike I wasn't productive enough or using my time wisely or contributing enough in lab, but I didnt' think the profs noticed- this sounded too similar to things I had said in therapy yesterday and I had to stop reading because I was getting upset seeing how I am doing the same things now that I was doing then. I think the biggest difference is that now I don't beat myself up about it as much- is that worse or better? But I know that while I may be struggling with some of the same issues, I have made strides over the past two years - I may not be in a relationship now and I may be upset about it the same way I was then but I think I am more ready now.I suppose we will see if that is true.
I should get to bed so that I dont oversleep and miss working out with Sally tomorrow (doing it today was enough).

Feeling fat

For no real reason- I don't think. I ate well today. I exercised. I looked reasonably cute when I went out (reasonably-not very). I really want Cocoa Puffs and skim milk that I know are downstairs but part of me really wants to do some crazy fad diet (don't worry Joan, I am not going to do it)and drop weight. It seems like Holden will be getting engaged next month when my grandparents are in town for my cousin's wedding. He wants to get married sooner rather than later (think Oct or Nov). Sophie basically was saying that since the wedding will be in Chicago it doesn't really matter how we look. Warped logic but she brings up an interesting thought...I was much thinner (like 25 pounds - maybe a bit more) at her wedding than I was at Will's wedding. Was anything really different? Maybe shopping for a dress (although I waited until last second before Sophie's wedding as well because I wanted to be as thin as possible when I was shopping) and I didn't embark on lemonade diet before her wedding (but I was similarly more restrictive in my diet). I recognize that my daily and twice daily exercise (I "needed" daily cardio so an AM pilates class didn't absolve me of needing to work out that day) was obsessive, unhealthy and unsustainable. While I might miss being in the best shape of my life -- not the thinnest I have been in my adult life but the strongest-- and I miss being able to run, there has to be a better way to get there. I know I need to shift my paradigm- I can't think in terms of events I need to think in terms of sustainable healthy lifestyle but this is a really hard habit to break. Even as I type this I am inundated with thoughts of upcoming events/goals. How do I think about looking good without excessively focusing on it?
Bottom line- i want to be healthy and happy- don't I? how do I get there?

Also working on trying to think about the next big thing- what else do I want? What should I be working on and what might be the things I am too scared or defensive to say? Am I protecting secret wishes, fears or desires?

My parents return from 2 weeks in Israel tomorrow night. While they were there they did the "rabbi run" and collected all kinds of good wishes for my hopefully upcoming nuptials. This guy took my dad to some very well respected rabbi (whose wife I met in Jan) and the guy who brought my dad told the rabbi " he wants a guarantee, he wants a guarantee that his daughter will be married by next year" and the rabbi replied "why wait a year?". I heard this story from Sophie who informed me that now I just have to believe it and what this man says is not to be taken lightly. Obviously I would love to believe that but telling myself that I believe it is not the same as believing it. I don't know if people like me, people who aren't spiritual, people who conduct their relationship with god, such as he is, on their own terms and eschew the dictates of the rabbis, people whose attachment to religion is about having a community to belong to rather than an adherence to the law- my people do we believe in rabbis and their power- even when they are telling us something we want to hear or is that the equivalent of believing your horoscope? These men are well respected men with large followings and they are holy men who truly believe they are leading the life that god wants them to lead- they are not hucksters but does that make a difference? Does it only work for my sister and my dad who follow these men's opinions in terms of conducting their life? I am not sure. I believe this man has a certain power and obviously I would love to believe that he is in some way prescient but I am not sure that I get to believe that because it suits my purposes and then meet my SAVI friend at Tribeca grill for dinner on wed night-- and I'm not cancelling my restaurant week reservations there or at Mesa Grill.

Not much but a good not much

My status as city's best rape deterrent remains unchallenged. Another night on call - this one spent watching TV with Lia. Yup I'm helping women by sitting on Lia's couch.
Thursday was spent in lab- and it was one of my most unproductive lab days in a long while. Meredith and I spent the day checking out restaurants for restaurant week. At least Wed (when I was in lab for a much shorter period) was productive.
In general things are good- I had great time last night. I went to dinner (outside- I love it) with Casey. Sharing a bottle of wine over a steak with a good friend on a beautiful night- seriously, one of life's greatest small pleasures. Casey kept me company (over drinks) until Juliet and I went to 3:20 am showing of Harry Potter at the IMAX.
Obviously I was pretty tired today but I still went to lunch meeting with eating disorder clinician to talk about outling the movie. I swam, went to gym and now I am just relaxing. Sarah is coming to my apt for the weekend - I think we are going to have a really nice relaxing weekend.
Things are good. I feel good- i have been taking care of myself (healthwise), I have been dressing up in a casual way, I have been more productive than not. I have had some productive meetings, I am going through processing for my new job, I have been spending time with my friends, I have been enjoying NY - esp now that the weather is better- I may be feeling good because I have been driving my dad's convertible while my parents are out of town.

And now for something completely different...

While swimming tonight I was deliberately not thinking- just counting my number of laps and focusing on my stroke. Well I was thinking as little as possible and while I was thinking I decided that I wanted to try to live my life- not analyze it or second guess it or criticize it or judge it or rate it - just live it, free of rumination for a while. I think that might be nice.
Not one hour later I was in the steam shower contemplating my desire to please my partner (more than focusing on my own pleasure)- is it overacheiving? some need to be "good" at this? a new way to buy attention (although that feels less right than the former explanation).
60 minutes rumination free-- not bad.
I could mark today's scorecard regarding goals but that probably would be another violation of the new plan- is this possible for me? unlikely but doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

heat induced lethargy?

Haven't been super productive regarding pursuing my goals (I have followed up on starting my job and setting up meeting for the movie but have not been reading journal articles or writing intro for Sinai paper- apparently my methods was a decent first attempt- yay!). I have been hanging out with Sophie and exercising and I did get some decent play tonight. I have also been trying to make more of an effot with my appearance and I have gotten some good feedback. I have also been trying to eat more vegetables and really limit carb intake. I think it is going well.
I informed my siblings that they each have to find a date for me and Holden is already on the case. I am not sure that Meg and Will got the message I left them and I haven't been able to reach Sophie and Alex so I guess I only told Holden thus far but do intend to inform the rest of my siblings.
Aunt Karen and I are going to try to keep each other honest regarding food intake- we will see how that goes.
Sophie and I were discussing weight and dating etc. And she made the point that I have never been thin long enough to really get in the game- is that true? Maybe. The times that I was thin for longer periods of time I was involved (emotionally at least) wtih Kermit and then Caleb. I guess I have never been thin and emotionally unattached at the same time. T2GT might make the argument that I have never been ready and thin at the same time. I am trying to make this the time I am thin, unattached and ready. Let's see if I can do it.
I dont believe I will never find someone. I just refuse to believe it. There is no reason for that to be true and negative thinking certainly wont' help me.
While hanging out with Jamie today I realized how much fun I really have with him and how much we love each other. Maybe I should be spending less time with him and more time focusing on my own life but I really love that kid. In some non-sexual, not gross way we are really in love with each other and it is great.
I should go to bed I ahve a meeting with a pysch prof who is teaching this year at a school to which I will be applying. She has worked with eating disorders for a long time and called me to offer her help for my film project. I think I will also sit in on a meeting at Sinai, it is for a project that is very much related to those that I have been working on and I have an open invitation to attend. I am going to try and make it this week (I have just learned about it).
It is sort of hard to get much done in this hot muggy weather. I can't wait for this heat wave to break.

Quickly checking in

I spent shabbat with Sophie, Alex, Jamie, Adam, Holden and his girlfriend, Lauren. Lauren is really sweet, warm and likeable. Sophie and I liked her a lot and we could see why Holden finds her appealing. They seem quite comfortable with each other and behave like a couple who has been together far longer than they have been. I like her and had a really nice time over Shabbat.
In other news, I went to pscyhopharm this week and he recommended I try Cymbalta. He wants me on a maintenance dose of meds to prevent relapase. I am trying it and we will see how it goes. I am not super thrilled about it but I understand that he thinks it is best and I trust him. I think I have gotten past worrying about stigma of the meds I just rather not have to refill a prescription every month and take pills every day. I know it is far from a big deal. I asked him about weight loss meds and he recommended I see my internist as he only gives psychotropic meds. I have to see internist to get med form for new job filled out anyway so maybe I will discuss it with him.
Trying not to feel guilty about not exercising today- trying to go to sleep instead - Sophie was saying that I need a good sleep regimen as much as I need exercise regimen- so I really should get to bed as it is really late already- more tomorrow

Diet Stuff- to be skipped if it bores you- it bores me

Had a long conversation with Aunt Karen today - mostly about dieting. She was saying that what we really need to do is figure out why we are overeating, she bought 4 books on binge eating and they are just sitting on her nightstand. She says she knows she has to see someone. I, however, have been seeing someone for years. That can't be the missing link- at least I dont think it is. I have an appt with psychopharm tomorrow. I have to break it to him that I'm off Prozac and I think I need to get some kind of medication to help with dieting. Or maybe I dont. Maybe I just need more willpower. Lilah asked me about the lemonade diet and I have been trying to discourage her (as I did when Chloe and Anne asked about it as well). I know it is bad idea and not a solution. Yet still I am tempted to do it again (and not to purge toxins even if I can sell that to someone- maybe myself) but to drop weight before parlor meeting for film. It is hard to represent eating disorders education when you look like you have one (thanks mom, for planting that seed, like I didn't have enough weight issues and concerns with representing the project since I am neither a filmmaker nor a clinical psychologist). I am not going to do it- I was tempted to do it and not tell anyone but that is really isolating and I found that last time it adversely affected my social life and I got sick afterwards as well.
Other news- got great feedback on the letter of recommendation that I wrote yesterday and I have research meeting tomorrow and will get feedback on the methods section I wrote. I also spent some time trying to find my old spreadsheets with no success as of yet but hopefully I can find my old jumpdrive or boot up my old computer. I started recreating them yesterday but I know I did a better job with it last time and I don't remember exactly what I did. Exercised today, ate well, spoke to someone about scheduling movie event in Cleveland, went to BBQ at Jesse's so I got in some social time so I have been working on my goals (in moderation) even if I spent most of the day hanging out in my apt. I tried to do more social stuff today but didn't find anyone to do anything with me (beach plans with Gracie were derailed by the weather) - it is making me feel a little friendless. Dateless, friendless- well I have my goals that I am pursuing...right?
End of pity party...I have a lot of people who love me and I can do fun things. I am going to gym with Sally tomorrow and may meet Sarah or Elle later and I have Casey's party on Sat night (hopefully I wont be too lazy to drive in after shabbat with the sibs). I miss my friends who don't live here like Sam and Lois and Lilah but I am lucky to have them. And Alyssa is in town now so I can spend time with her (which I did on Monday). She met this guy she wanted to set me up with but then she found out he is no longer religious. I basically told her to go ahead and set it up as it didnt' really matter to me. Which may have gotten me a date if he didnt live in Israel ;)I know my social life will pick up- Lia and I keep trying to get together and Joan gets back in town tomorrow. I realized that I am not friends with as many men as I used to be- I have male friends but I really dont speak or see any of them regularly and I dont think I talk on the phone with any of them. I used to have guys who really had my back and I dont have that anymore. To a certain extent it is deliberate as once I disentangled myself from Caleb I didn't want to get into that kind of situation anymore. Does it matter? Probably not.

Not sure

why I am still up or what I am thinking. It's kind of strange, I feel like I should be mulling things over but I'm not. I think I am just fine. I am a little freaked about this Holden thing but I love that kid so freakin much and I really just want him to be happy and I think that while it is weird for me that my much younger brother is bringing this chica home- him being happy can't make me anything other than happy. (also makes me feel like I should exercise and stop eating so I wont be fat spinster sister but not enough to actually make me stop eating so anorexia is not in my immediate future).
I saw a picture of all the girls in my family that was taken at my cousin's wedding and I looked cute, definitely fat but pretty- so I just have to stop being fat and then I will really be pretty. I see myself as cute or pretty sometimes- like while I was washing up tonight (well I wasnt wearing glasses) and sometimes i don't. And I know a big part of it is my perception- it can affect the reality of how other people see me.
Ok enough blathering- time to get some sleep- hopefully I will get to the beach tomorrow with Gracie

Nothing that exciting

Oh so much fun...I started the application process today. I had to write my own letter of recommendation for one of my professors. I finally did it (I have had her notes for over a month) and wrote the methods section and I decided it was time to start applications. I would like to get them done slowly so it isn't so burdensome. I have to find my spreadsheet that I used last time.
I took care of stuff in lab and for the movie - it was a relatively productive day
And I spoke to Sam who always makes me feel better and I came back to my apt and hung out with Jesse at his apt. Nothing too crazy - just a nice day. 30 minutes of exercise, some healthy food, some low fat ice cream and some time with the nephews (not that much- I stopped by and then had to run out to meet Jesse)
Holden's girlfriend flew in from Chicago tonight to meet my parents before they go to Israel for 10 days- this is super fast and crazy and I just don't know if she is special enough for him. He's my boy, even if he is rushing into something or other.

Freakin!!!!

Sophie just called me to invite me for Shabbat since she is having Holden and, the person I suppose I must characherize as, his girlfriend. He is absolutely one of my favorite people and if he really likes this girl I want to meet her. I want to spend the weekend with them but I am totally buggin' about it. Also wasn't really looking for another family weekend but I think I should go to Sophie and get to know this girl who he wants us to meet. (He called me last night and mentioned something about the weekend but I didnt call him back yet). At least Erin leaves today for 6 weeks so even if this works out and they want to move fast- there is at least a minimal delay.

Time to....

--start getting out more. I really need to stop sleeping at my parents house because I am swimming at my aunt's or something like that. I need to stay in my apt and hang out in my 'hood and hang out - revel in my life as it is.
--to finish methods section that I started before my 4 pm meeting tomorrow- so yeah, i should go do that.
--it's also time to get some play but i'm not sure if i should just be holding out for relationship play or I should just go with it..

Extreme Makeover Zoe Edition

I was watching Brothers and Sisters tonight and there were endless commercials for Extreme Makeover- apparently they are bringing it back this summer. I realized it was time for an extreme makeover for me too. Well hopefully not really all that extreme. It is time to excise any laziness, self-pity or victim mentality. Time to be strong and proactive and yes, time to be pretty and focused on my appearance. This is the summer to work hard in lab and push myself to do things I may not be comfortable doing, things that might make me scared or anxious- too fucking bad. I need to challenge myself in both labs to write papers this summer and I need to step up. It is neccesary for my career and for my applications. I need to push forward with the movie. I need to be self-motivated. I dont have a tremendous amount of structure this summer and I have to make sure that I don't indulge myself and waste time. Things will move under my steam- time to fire up my engines! No sitting around and watching TV or reading or surfing the internet. I dont have time for that. Not if I want to achieve my goals. My goals and aspirations are mine for the taking- I just have to go and get them! God, I sound like my own personal motivational speaker- I am kind of embarassed but you know what? If it works, I am OK with sounding like Stuart Smalley (well hopefully it's not that bad). I don't want to envy anyone else's life. I want to revel in my own. This is my time to maximize my potential and that included my attractiveness potential. And that means losing weight- this exercising and eating healthier is great as a maintenance plan- i am sure I have been getting more nutrients and I am getting fitter and stronger but it's not enough. I'm fat. I hate it, I have been ignoring it but it's true- I may be the heaviest I have ever been - I remember looking at a picture of myself at my cousins' wedding when I was about this weight and being disgusted and promising myself I would never look that way again. Getting myself back into exercise was the first step now I need to cut down on my consumption. And I need to make more of an effort to do my hair and make-up and dress and accesorize regardless of my size.
I hate to admit that I am lonely but I am- I want to be with someone and I want to be someone worth being with and someone that can attract the kind of man I want. I hate that I feel like I have to lose weight to do that but it's not like I want to date some huge guy either. It's complicated because on one hand I would love to be with someone that I know loves me regardless of my weight but could I ever really respect a guy like that? And I think that if I am with someone and then I gain weight it might be different than the initial attraction. Would I really feel sexy and desirable if I was with a man who wanted me when I was fat? Do sexiness and desirability (in terms of my perception) neccesarily inversely correlate with weight? I've been cute and fit and didnt' find someone but maybe I was ready and maybe I am now. So if the cute girl who went to Sophie's wedding knew what I know would I be with someone? Maybe...not sure what else I can do to try to find someone. Maybe I will figure it out after I embark on step one- maximizing my attractiveness.
My goals for summer- maximize my application, my desirablity and also my fun. I want to try to get out and spend time with my friends and do fun things. I want to take advantage of living in a great area and of having really awesome people in my life. I haven't been making enough of an effort to connect with them and to connect with what makes my life exciting and uniquely mine. And of course being able to work on being a good person is also key- but a good person on my terms, not my parents terms or anyone else's. I hope that I have enough of a real sense of what that means that I can keep my own counsel- which isn't to say that suggestions on all fronts aren't welcome - they really are, i just think it is important for me to be the ultimate arbiter. So if you know how I can best acheive my goals- career, relationship, desirability, quality person-ness, etc. Please, please let me know. I will be honest with you - I may be a little defensive at first but I promise I will hear you and I will digest it and then incorporate your suggestions and criticisms if I honestly think they have merit (even If I dont like them).