The problem with cycles is that you have ride each segment multiple times

Getting over someone is a cycle and i think i was cycling out of arnie- i was remembering all the ways in which we aren't compatible and all the thing that weren't perfect when we were together and the ways in which he wouldn't fit into my life and I went ahead and deleted all of the emails that I wrote him but never sent and thought about deleting his e-mail address and then i thought about how he probably doens't miss me anymore and he probably isn't thinking about me and it brought me right back. I remembered how everything was fun with him and how great the play was and how much I missed him and wanted him here with me and how smart and special he is. Not that it matters. It doesn't matter if I can let go of someone who has let go of me. i have to let go whether I want to or not and whether I think I can or not. I miss him wanting to please me and make me happy. I miss him whether or not he misses me and whether or not I should and even though I honestly thought all of last week that I was ready to let go of him. I have been so busy with school and other stuff and i'm not bored and I miss him. I saw a movie that I told him I would report back on if I saw and now I am not sure that I should, I am not sure if he still cares what I think about it. And I still really want him to be happy. I still want such good things for him and I guess I really love him. I suppose it is fairly self-destructive but if I thought that he really wanted to be with his ex and i had a way to help him make that happen, I would do it.
Seriously enough self-pity ( I know I am wonderful even if he doesn't think so anymore) and not enough composing of data analysis instruments.

Marriage in a religious world

My dad asked me to go with him to a kabbalist today to get a bracha. Initially I agreed and then when I woke up this morning I reneged because i realized that I didn't want to go, which is exactly the reason I gave my dad. My dad went on his own and then called the house and told Sophie that the rabbi wanted to see me and she said she would take me over. (The kabbalist is staying at Alex's brother's house in the neighborhood.) So I got dressed in my long black skirt and tights and a black sweater. My grandmother told me how much she likes it when I dress like this (and I thought I had been dressing to please her all weekend- no jeans, no sweatshirts, i blew my hair and wore lipstick). I go to meet this kabbalist who sends my dad out of the room. I am always concerned when I meet these men that they will be able to see through me and they will tell me that I am not really shomer shabbat or something like that. As usual, my secrets are safe with me. This rabbi tells me that he has good news for me- I will get married but not in America. I will only meet a man in Israel and this man will work and learn and he will fear G-d. At this point I pretty much tuned out and started nodding. He asked me how old I was and when I told him I was 29 he said I would get married in a year and a half (or within a year and a half) - so I'm thinking if I am not getting married for another year and a half I have at least a year to have lots of sex and fun. He like every other kabbalist told me that I must be happy for good things to happen to me. I used to believe that this was due to some prescience on their part, they could see that I had depressive tendencies but now I suspect that this is what they tell everyone. All in all, I was less than moved. Sophie was telling me how everything they have told Alex's brother has come true but I think that might be because Alex's brother believes and looks for corroborating evidence. Part of me wants to believe but I am not sure that I can. Certainly not when he tells me that my husband will learn Torah and fear G-d as I haven't been attracted to a guy like that in years and that doesn't seem to be changing.
When I got home my mom asked me to write up my "resume" so that she could fax it to a woman in the area who tries to set people up. At this point I do things like this for my parents. So I tried to sum myself up in a page and it just said nothing about me. I was sitting there staring at these random facts about me and I was amazed at how poorly it represented me and how it said so little about me. I am really skeptical that someone would be able to look at this sheet of paper and get an accurate idea about who I am and who might be compatible with me.
At this point I just needed to get out of my parents house. I had a lovely weekend with my grandparents and silbings but I needed space. I claimed that I needed to study (which wouldn't have been a bad idea) and I went to lunch with Sarah, the Met with Elle and Jesse and to see Flags of our Fathers with Jesse. (seeing a war film with a military history buff always has its advantages. I am trying to get some work done now and then get a decent night's sleep.
I really need to start DVG diet tomorrow. I swam on Friday and Sat night but I needed to get out of the area this morning and I wanted to be in the car for "wait, wait, don't tell me" on NPR so I didn't go today. Will is dating this girl and it may get serious and I refuse to be fat older spinster sister at his wedding. I am not sure what is going to happen but I dont' anticipate a long courtship or engagement in the event that it works out. I also need to start feeling sexy again especially since I dont have Arnie to help me feel that way. (I know it is kind of paranoid but I got this suspicious feeling that he came in this weekend to pack up more stuff as I know he needs to make a trip like that. I would like to think that he will contact me when he comes in but I'm not sure that he will- I sort of think that he won't let me know that he is coming because he doesn't neccesarily think it is good idea for us to see each other but I am hoping that once he is in town, he won't be able to help himself and he will call me. I know he wouldnt lie to me and I promised that I would always give him the benefit of the doubt- which is easy when you remember who someone is and that you fundamentally know them and know what they will and will not do- but this isn't really lying, it's omission- is it different? Honestly, it is probably just crazy as I have no basis for this suspicion and I think it might be PMS. I was getting annoyed about a lot of things over the weekend that wouldn't usually bother me. In general, I think I am fairly easygoing but I have been getting irritated and I have also been eating like mad (not so much the quantity but closet eating and eating when I am not hungry, in fact eating when I am already full). I was talking to Elle and I was saying that I don't know why I have been getting so angry and how being this way upsets me and then I started counting and I realized I am probably PMSing.
OK I have Sinai work to do and I need to get work done on application essays (which won't happen tonight but I hope will happen this week- I want to get stuff done before the weekend so I can down to MD on Sat night for Pumpkin Chunkin') I have a bunch of jotted down notes about stuff that was flitting through my mind while I was studying - I will try to flesh those thoughts out later tonight or tomorrow.

I'm back

Zoe the student is back and it's great. I am just exhausted- no more all nighters.

Finally

I felt like I had a really productive day. I woke up early did some studying before class, went to class (and was engaged!), went to lab - ran a subject for Theory of mind study and was told that I am being credited on two (maybe 3) upcoming posters and publications, studied with people from my class, went to class (and took notes- in stats!!!), wsa going to go pay a shiva call to Sarah's mom but didnt' have the address so I went to Karen and JR's house and hung out with Konstantin, ate dinner, exercised a bit, printed out slides, returned some e-mails (i hadn't really checked all day- i was that busy) and now I have to study again for a couple of hours before I go to sleep. I made a swim date with Karen for 6:30 am so I am hoping that i will start off productively and keep going.
Today was another bread, crackers and coke day but I think I am finally feeling better. I have a ton of stuff to get done this week as I have this exam, visit to ER for SAVI, more Sinai stuff (meeting on Friday) and just lots of other stuff to get done (and I have to teach myself stats before my exam next week and start studying for neuroanatomy exam that will be week after next). I'm stressed but in a good way. Totally need to get back to doing work.
Being busy is good. Focusing on my work is good. I'm good. I think.

Sometimes it is just about flipping some kind of switch

I was driving to ED fundraiser tonight crying and having a conversation with Arnie in my head
"You are a f***ing contender, you are my f***ing contender"
"I love you and I want to try and be with you"
"I want to see myself through your eyes and I want you to see yourself through my eyes"
"I don't think you are perfect, but I can handle your flaws and I think you can handle mine"
"Regardless of what happens with us now or in the future, I will always be there for you in some way"
"I hate that you make me wonder about your ex and what she has that I don't, I hate that you make me doubt myself"
" i think we challenge and complement each other"
"Every other guy I date is ordinary and you aren't"
And then I stopped and I realized that it wasn't true. Bernard wasn't ordinary and DWLI 1-3 weren't ordinary and Jeremy wasn't ordinary. It didn't work with these guys and I didn't connect with them the way I connected with Arnie but they weren't ordinary. And then I stopped crying because I realized that crying was a choice I was making. I was choosing to obsess about Arnie and compose e-mails to him in my mind and cry. I was choosing to issue him a halo that he doesn't deserve. I decided to choose differently. I started singing along to the radio and preparing myself for the meeting and focusing on my schedule for tomorrow. I chose to focus on my present life.
I went to the meeting which was successful- I'm not sure how much money we raised but we definitely educated a lot of people and it was well received. I recieved a lot of praise for spearheading this project and was hailed as a dynamo and a connector (see Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point). I did regret not identifying myself as a recovering bulmic especially when the clinical psychologist spoke about bulimics and how they may appear healthy and successsful but are carrying around this secret and feel like frauds. (She is a recovered anorectic and bulimic and identified herself as such).
I drove home from the meeting with Charlie- I asked her if she could round up a Carl or Daryl as I need to go on a date with a contender and she has been pretty good about providing dates in the past. I told her about Arnie in a Cliff Notes version to explain why I needed a date now. Talking to her about it reminded me about why it was such a good experience, about how connecting with him made me feel alive and how in some ways he was so much more accessible than most of the observant guys we know. He acknowledges that he has intimacy issues and that is huge. Talking to her reminded me about how far I have come since Caleb and how much I have come to know and accept myself. Other things we discussed prompted her to tell me that I am a thoughtful friend and i think she is right.
After I dropped her off, I drove home feeling great, loving life and marveling about how different it felt from this afternoon when I had been doubting myself (not just because of Arnie, in fact Arnie was a symptom of my doubt that was rooted in not studying and ceding my productivity to my nausea). I tried to call Seymour back as I hadn't wanted to return his call earlier because I felt depressed and I felt as if I didnt have anything to offer him. I felt energized- I thought about the question that T2GT posed to me a couple of weeks ago- what makes me feel energized? Identify it and then do it. For the past few days I hadn't been doing that much that would make me feel energized as I wasn't in the mood (or I was sick) and I wasn't taking the initiative to shift modes. Going to this meeting energized me.
I went home with intention to study but I ended up catching up with Stella (which was great) and then talking to Lois (which was also great). Lois and I spent a lot of time discussing how life never turns out the way you would expect it to when you are in HS and how you can act like the person whom you want to be sometimes until it is true and how to a certain extent you can choose what you focus on in your life- the good, the bad etc and the importance of accountabiliy as well as the nature of depression. I know I should have been studying but I know I will study tomorrow and it was a good conversation.
I am picking Julie up on the way to class (although I didnt' go study with her today) so I know I will get to school early. Hopefully I will wake up with this positive attitude.

Random Likes

I love the city after the rain- it just feels clean and fresh and the streets are generally pretty quiet- so it feels like it's my city in some way and it's my space.

Dreams

Had another really vivid dream in which 2 teeth fell out. It seemed so real. In my dream I recalled dreaming about teeth falling out and marveled out how I couldn't believe it actually happened.
I didn't feel well this morning and I didn't make it to class and then as I was sleeping I dreamt that I got a phone call that said that I had to drop my course because the class I missed was obligatory for the course. I was frantically trying to speak to the department secretary and work it out somehow. I kept insisiting that I didn't know this was a special session and she kept telling me it was on the syllabus. The weird part was that I missed a lecture on the cerebellum and the class I missed this morning was History of Psychology - totally unrelated.
These are really clearly anxiety dreams and I am wondering if this stomach virus is more associated with anxiety than some kind of biological agent.
Thursday night I was driving and crying and thinking about Arnie and I started to suspect that I am focusing on Arnie to avoid thinking about grad school. I also suspected that i feed the drama, i enjoy the pain and tears or perhaps it was just exhaustion at that point. do i like the intensity? do i want it? am i not letting go because I enjoy being depressed over it- this way I can sit on my couch and cry and feel like I have an excuse not to be productive or social. I can choose to let go, I can choose to focus on the ways in which he isn't good for me. I suppose it doesn't matter how things may or may not be as we both have to want to try and do I really want a long distance relationship anyway (even a non-exclusive one)?
The good (?) news is that I dont feel like this is motivated by self-doubt or desperation. I think I know my worth and value myself and I dont' think I would beg anyone to try to be with me. I know that someone will want me enough- i love that Arnie thinks I am mesmerizing and i think he is mesmerizing (not just cuz of who he is but why) but i need to find someone who revels in being distracted by me and is interested in the consequences. I think my neighbor is supposed to be calling me about a potential Carl.

All over the place

I have been sick (it's amazing how different throwing up is when you can't control it- it's just so painful and gross- I know everyone else thinks it is painful and gross all the time but it actually feels different when you initiate it) for the past couple of days so I have been more or less couch-bound. I went to training (late) because I knew I couldn't make it up- it was good and I felt OK, I was just tired and dehydrated, a couple of people in my small group told me that I am going to make a really good advocate (including the facilitator) so that was nice. The survivor speaker this week was the volunteer coordinator, she had been in an abusive marraige for 7 years before she got out and her husband committed suicide two weeks after she left. Two women in my small group shared their experiences with intimate partner violence and emotional abuse as well. It was pretty intense.

Seymour has here for the weekend and we were supposed to go to the parties but I wasn't up to it. I feel bad because watching me fall asleep on the couch while watching SVU is not exactly an exciting Sat. night.

Got out today to go to my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful and it was fun to hang out with my family but I don't quite fit in. It is my choice - I think but it is weird for me sometimes. One of my cousins was telling me how much she liked the bride's community (my cousin was the groom) because they all their own people. I agreed with her but I mentally noted that she lives in my parent's community which is conventional to the nth degree. I had gone late to the wedding with Alex and missed the huppah. All of the groom's sisters told me that they had been looking for me during the huppah to give me a piece of jewelry to hold as a segulah. I kind of felt like the spinster cousin especially since the didn't sit me with all my cousins but with his medical school friends who I didn't know (most of whom were married). Running into a friend from high school who I hadn't seen in 5 years was also kind of strange. We caught each other up on all our school and camp friends and most of them are married and living fairly conventional lives and I realized that I am not the least bit envious of them. I also ran into one of my downtown friends who I haven't seen in a while, she is a 32 year old dancer married to a 25 year old journalist. She looks great and they are happy. At first it was a little offputting for me that everyone else was totally made up and bejeweled and I was a little more casual- I didn't have the professionally blow dryed hair (or blow dryed at all) look or what my dad's friend would call serious jewelry or perfect make-up. I was dressed up in a long dress, sparkly sweater and heels and had make up and lenses but I wasn't really formal or fancy like most of my cousins. Last time this happened (at a family friend's wedding) I remember looking in the mirror and thinking that I looked cute and that I looked like me- and I'm more casual and laid-back and i'm not conventional and I felt really good about it. This time I felt that way but I also felt some self-doubt and a bit of envy as well. Seeing the dancer helped swing me over from the latter emotional state to the former.

Totally need to head to bed as I have 8 am class and tons of studying to do as I didn't do any over the weekend and I have to MC an eating disorder fundraiser tomorrow night.

headache

Ow!

Tired, disjointed, random thoughts

I'm tired so I should probably go to bed which would be easier if I were home. I'm sitting on Simon's bed and I really should be driving home.
It was great to finally hang out with Joan tonight. We went for mani/pedis.
Good stuff- exercised, hang out with Sophie and James and got stuff done at lab
Bad stuff- totally unprepared for neurophysiology exam next week. (I think I did well on the homework though.
I have an eating disorder related meeting in the morning and I really have to get school work done tomorrow so I should really get to sleep.
I don't have any idea what I am thinking at this point but I think things are good. Seymour is coming in this weekend and I am having dinner at Juliet on Friday night. I have 2 parties on Sat night and my cousin's wedding on Sunday and I must study over the weekend and I have advocacy training (I have to finish the reading before Sat morning). I really hope that tomorrow is a productive day. When I really engage with my studying and research I enjoy it.
Arnie sounds like he is doing great and I am really proud of him and happy for him and I miss him.

Do I know anything?

Do I think that Arnie and I would be a good idea (if we could work stuff out or if we lived in the same country)? Do I think we would work or that we want the same things (do i even know what i want?)probably not but im not sure i care. I think I would want the chance to explore a relationship with him. I think it might be a good experience for both of us even if I don't think it would work out- although it is all academic at this point.
I spoke to polly today. I love her and I want to be the person that she thinks I am but I totally didn't engage with her today and I'm not sure why.
I spoke to Lois tonight and I realized that I often don't know the right advice or the correct interpretation of a situation.

More Musings

* Do i want to draw people to me with need? Do I want to be independent? Does being strong make it hard to connect with people?
* Who cares if I am perceived as smart in class?
* At a certain point you decide to make an effort with someone - what motivates people to make an effort?
* Is it OK not to think about everything? not to have opinions about certain things? Does it make you less thoughtful? Less concerned?
* Are we obligated to follow people's advice if we ask for it or if we discuss something with them?
* Is honestly always the best policy? Should you lie rather than hurt someone's feelings unnecessarily? Is it OK to lie to secure some space?
* Of course Arnie loves me. I am really loveable. He won't be the last one to love me. What do I want from him? What will make me happy here? I don't want to be anxious about him. Divorcing myself from him might make me sad but it will remove the uncertainty and vulnerability- should I be tolerating them? Or should I just let it fade away. Or write to him and tell him that I know that he doesn't really think it is a good idea for us to keep in touch and he doesn't want to be distracted by me so we should stop speaking/writing. "I love you and I want you in my life but not like this, not when you are so ambivalent about keeping in touch, not when you don't really think it is a good idea to hold onto me. I know I said I wanted you anyway I can have you but I don't. I want you if you can be engaged in our relationship, if you can explore where it can go, if you can try not to be scared to be with me. I am willing to be patient as long as we are on the same road and I don't think we are. You are holding on because you are bored and lonely in Argentina and need some distraction until you settle in there. I want someone who really wants to be with me, who values the connection they have with me and wants to explore it."
* Knowing someone's behavioral patterns and being able not take it personally is so liberating. It shifts your expectations and removes anxiety and the self-doubt.
* If you disagree with something that someone says is it better to speak up or keep it to yourself?
* What makes for a healthy relationship? What is the right "relationship pyramid"? How much of your timr should devoted to a particular type of interaction?
* Am I ambitious? How ambitious am I? Do I want to just find meaningful work? Do I need the degree? Do I nned to be compensated? Whould I be OK with being the volunteer socialite suburban mom type? If I would do a lot of community work and not have a career? What is my motivation?

Ways to be careful with someone else's feelings- ways to be a better person

Think about impact your words may have before you say something.
Don't respond from anger or hurt- wait until response isn't reactive.
These are things I need to try and work on. I want to be a better, more sensitive person. I want to improve.

just some stuff

I think I am finally starting to feel like a grad student. I was at one of my classmate's apt doing homework last night until 1 am and then came home and did work. Today was a little less productive. I went to see T2GT (more on that later) and for leg wax (went the South American way) and prepared for my meeting at Bronx VA - which went really well. Tonight I went to see Last Kiss with Haley - I really have to get some work done before I go to sleep. Tomorrow I have class, lab and Sarah's grandmother's funeral. I really need to work in the gym tomorrow as I didn't make it today.
Haley and i both liked Last Kiss - relationships, intimacy, growing up, fears- all the good stuff and with a great soundtrack. I really like Haley, i think she is a great addition to the downtown scene.
Today T2GT told me to enjoy the struggle and I told him that I will as I have no choice. I realized I have to embrace the ambivalence, the struggle, the confusion. I am going to try to ride the rollercoaster with a smile and perhaps even raised arms.
I am going to try to do some work now and then try to work out some of the other stuff that is in my head.

A couple of general blog related comments

1- This blog resides in TMI Zone
2- If you are reading the blog, I would really appreciate comments. Suggestions are welcome, as is advice and I can't promise that I will heed it but I can promises that I will consider it. You don't have to but I hope that you do. If you are commenting, you may do so anonymously but I would prefer if you identified yourself by your alias.

Water-logged, Lilah-induced and REM interrupted musings

* We are all walking around with these rich interior lives and everyone is looking to be validated. All these people that appear happy and confident- some are but most aren't- no one is all the time.
* How do I maintain my sense of self, my inner balance, my confidence, my sense of empowerment? Where does it come from?
* Maybe instead of trying to treat people how I want to be treated, I should try to treat them how I think they might want to be treated- more specialized. What I want isn't necessarily universal (hard to fathom but it's true)
* For a long time, being smart was this huge part of my identity- who really cares? I'm smarter than some and certainly not smarter than all- so? Arnie was right, expending time and mental energy trying to assess your intelligence is a waste of time and energy that could be much better spent. In any event, it's not really about your potential, it (whatever it is) is about what you do with it. Genius being what it is and all. Obviously there are upper limits to your capabilities. The truth is - does it really matter?
* Bingo was SO much fun even though I won the lamest prize (OK Dani's prize might have been more lame). Then I had a really good time hanging out with Erin, Will and Holden. I can all these ways in which we are similar and I realized that I often give them a lot more leeway than I give myself. I will judge and castigate myself for doing something that I would dismiss if one of them did it.
* Do i want too much too fast? Do i get too impatient? are my expectations unrealistic?
* I am not going to go to Trivia Night tonight- I need to spend a night doing work - it would be nice to be studying and learning information by reading and reviewing regularly instead of just cramming. I don't need to go out every night. I have dinner and movie plans with Sarah tomorrow and I think Joan and I are finally getting together on Thursday night.
* Totally ate too much last night- feeling really gross! I have to get myself under control. I made good choices at breakfast with Will and Holden and then went swimming and made a swim date for tomorrow but then when I came to the lab I chowed down on pretzels- I should have brought more than cut mango for lunch. I have to stop interpreting each lapse as license to keep going for the rest of the day. I have to stop thinking that I will rein myself in tomorrow or start fresh- I need to rein myself in NOW.
* How do I feel beautiful? I haven't recently- can I do something about that? Although stopping the incessant eating (see above) would probably help as would having my skin clear up again but I know that it is more than that.
* I forget how I am OK being alone most of the time. I wouldn't want to be alone forever and I want someone who thinks I am the most interesting person in the world (see "The Science of Sleep") and someone who is invested in me and it would be nice to have someone who was the most important person in my world and it was reciprocated. But on a daily basis- most of the time, I'm OK. I have my lonely moments but I think I am not lonely more frequently than I am lonely. I have a good life filled with good people and I connect with people all the time. I have fun and I am happy. I had so much fun with Dani and then with my sibs and their friends and I realized how proud my sibs are of me and not having a boyfriend or a husband didnt' matter (do I even really want a husband now?) and I realized I think I feel like this a lot of the time.

Going to meet study group - more of the same later.

Just a regular Monday

I woke up early and went to class. I got back my History exam and I didn't do as well as I would have liked, which isn't surprising since I didn't study as much as I should have. I just have to make sure that I study enough for the upcoming exams and I will get my A. Class was good and I know that I can get the A. I did some lab work and then went to lunch with my new study buddies and then sat down to do the Neurophysiology homework- I totally don't know what is going on with the Hodgkin Huxley equation which was the topic of our homework. I was tired, clueless and started getting really stressed. I need to review my notes and read the textbook to get more on top of this. I was totally getting this tight feeling in the center of my back. Instead of studying when I got home I ate and wrote an email to Arnie that I have no intention of sending and put on my face mask and have basically doing nothing much. I couldnt find anyone to go with me to the SAVI fundraiser and I wasn't motivated enoguth to go on my own. I'm going to bingo tonight with Harry, Juliet, Dani and a bunch of others tonight and then going home to hang out with Will and Holden before they go back to school tomorrow. I think I will go swimming tomorrow morning and hopefully study and start DVG diet before lab, Sinai and class. Right, I have a meeting tomorrow that i have to prepare for, OK i'm going to go do that now. OK going to do that now. I like the BPD stuff so this should be good.

Points to Ponder

Do I think too much? And if so, how do I control it?
What is my normal life? Do I want to live my normal life?
how do i calculate the resting potential of a neuronal membrane? And what exaclty is a natural log? - do i really want to be studying neuropsych? Would I be better off jsut studying straight up clinical psych?

I control my own happiness

Thanks Sarah- i had such a good time with her this weekend. We went to Haley for lunch today and I had such a good, relaxed time with Sally, Benji, Jesse and the others. It was a lot of fun and then Sarah and I walked around downtown. I love this neighborhood. It is good to touch base with all the good things I have in my life. Tonight I started freaking out about applications and I started getting upset that I don't have someone who is really there for me, someone who really loves me and is invested in me. I talked about it with Sarah for a bit and felt a little better and then when I walked her to her car and hugged her goodbye (and made plans to check out Max Brenner's with her later this week) she said "Be Happy!". As I walked back to my apartment I realized that I can choose to be happy. I have all this good stuff in my life and I can choose to focus on it and be happy. I control my own happiness. I can control how I see the world. And I choose to remember how I applied to school last year and I had thought that it was so daunting and it was a lot of work but I did it, I did it on my own. I wrote amazing essays and had a strong application. I know that a lot of applicants already have masters degrees and a lot of it is luck. Many people who know what it takes to get accepted (numerous profs) thought that I would get accepted, and this year I will have even more experience and hopefully more good grades. Also I never applied to the program at Queens and I think I should be able to get in and staying there wouldnt' be such a bad thing. I can do this on my own! I just have to have the confidence in myself that I know other people have (thanks stella).
I think I am supposed to go see "Little Children" with Aurora tonight but I haven't heard back from her. Maybe we will do it another night this week. I have also been organizing Bingo night with a drag queen tomorrow night and Trivia Night Tuesday. (Apparently the prize for Bingo night is a porno which was indicated in the text of the email I sent - lesson of day- read text in its entirety before you cut and paste it into an email that you are sending to 20 people)

SAVI and School Stuff

Today was the first rape advocacy training. We heard this amazing woman speak (she started as rape crisis counselor and has since gotten PhD and founded a few different programs and teaches - she was just so cool, I would love to go work for her at some point). We also watched a clip from "The Accused" and heard from 2 survivors as well as processing, role playing and some other training stuff. the survivors who came were so inspiring and strong. I was almost jealous of them- not that I have some deranged rape fantasy but I just really admired their strength and courage. They were both so strong, brave and proactive- they had taken this terrible thing that happened to them and managed to focus on making the world better and safer for other women. One of the women came with her boyfriend who held her purse and listened to her speak and I found myself envious of her. I want to be doing work that is important to me and working on growing and having someone support me. It is amazing to do something that is so hard for you but that you believe is important and have the support of someone who believes in you and admires you. Both women spoke about the importance of recognizing that this is something that happened to them and it made me think about bulimia and depression- I say that it is something that happened to me but do I really believe that? Do I really think that it isn't something I did to myself?
As I watched "The Accused" i also thought about being a moral absolutist and reserving judgement- I sometimes think that thigns aren't that black and white and you can't judge people but as i watched the rape scene in which there are many idle bystanders. I was so angry at them, how could they stand there and watch- and I realized that some things are black and white, some times you have to act and you have to do the moral thing even if it is uncomfortable. So even though I can justify some of my choices, can I really justify them? Even if they seemed to be an OK choice - should I have recognized that sometimes there is no choice to be made- there is a right thing to do, even if it is uncomfortable.
The Role Play was really challenging, awkward and uncomfortable but walking into the ER without simulating the situation in advance would be ill advised at best. I channelled my inner actress and I think it went well. I think I will be able to do this and I hope that I will good at it and hopefully make a difference. The expert who spoke told us that when she was an advocate she always felt like she was doing G-d's work when she walked out of the ER and the survivors spoke about how important the advocate can be in making the experience a little better. Many people spoke about the importance and healing properties of the human connection that is provided. They also spoke about how amazing and vital it is to have someone validate their experience.
It was just such a great environment- all these generous, strong women. It was such a diverse group of women and I think that it will be good for me to form relationships with these women who have different cultures, experiences and backgrounds.
A couple of months ago I went with Rihanna to this V-Day celebration and it was really inspiring - this reminded me of that night.
The expert also spoke about the cultural issues that impact advocacy and all the myths that are associated with sexual assault. There was also a focus on the blame the victim phenomenon. Some of the things that were discussed made me think about a woman's right to be sexual and provocative and the importance of maintaining that right while still being savvy and cautious. It can be a delicate balance. I want to maintain my right be sexual and my right to refuse and maintain control. I want to be able to go out and drink and dance and dress any way I please and I don't want to live in a world in which I have to suspect all men. I want to be able to trust people. I want to be able to believe in the world as an essentially safe (and sometimes) magical place.
SAVI (Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention) is having a fundraiser on Monday night honoring Mariska Hargitay. I want to go to support the work that they do - tickets are $250. I can get one ticket but I dont' want to go alone and I'm not going to pay $500 to take someone with me. Maybe one of the other trainees will want to go with me.
It was a beautiful day to walk home. I got home, ate too much, hung out with Sarah, had some raspberry beer and read the times. Sarah and I were going to go to shul but we never made it out. I didnt' get any studying done but I did start some of my application stuff and did some reading on BPD (that my new productive procrastination techinique of choice).
I hate it, I hate the application process and I really dont' want to do it. I wish I had someone to do it with me or for me, like I did for Caleb when he applied to business school. Writing essays again is really stressing me out and I feel like I don't know where to start. If someone could start my essays it would be so easy for me to edit and refine them. I know that I have to do this and I have to believe in myself and I have to believe that i deserve to get into a great school. Even just writing about this is making it hard for me to breathe. I thought that starting the application process would make it less stressful. I thought that it would be great to start tonight as I was feeling capable since I had done really well in the role plays. I really hate this! I know I have to do it but i really, really don't want to do it. Writing about this is making my stomach feel tight- i think i have to stop. I should try to go to sleep now- i 'm exhausted but now i feel like my mind is going to be racing about all this application stuff. I have to think about something else to focus on. I can try to read BPD stuff but I suspect that I will get to the end of each page without any clue as to what I have read. Totally sucks that I went from feeling energized to this agitated state. Swimming might help now, but Karen and JR's pool isn't here and it is pretty late anyway.

Getting back in bad habit of having 4 unfinished drafts and starting fresh...

Things are really good. I feel good. i had a really productive meeting today at the Bronx VA today. We reviewed the online BPD survey and we are both really happy with it and then we talked out ideas regarding analyzing this huge mass of data. i feel really respected and appreciated by someone that I respect and admire and I am learning a ton. It is really great. We set up another meeting for Tuesday and we both took projects to work on over the weekend- we are really moving forward and I think I will be able to start conducting the abuse history segment of the interview battery shortly.
I ended up moving dinner to Sean and Kim's as response was so overwhelming that we were exceeding the space in our apt. Dinner was so much fun. I love the downtown crew. Hanging with them is so relaxed and they are just all fun, interesting, quality people. I feel relaxed and comfortable and valued for all the right reasons (and the adore my cooking!) I'm kinda sad that I will be missing lunch tomorrow- it is going to be Stella, Sarah, Aurora, Benji and Emma in my apt with the Saturday times and raspberry beer. However, I am REALLY excited (and a little nervous) to start rape advocacy training tomorrow.

Sometimes I just love NY

I love when people are friendly here. Dani and I were standing in the rain waiting to cross to go to the Angelica and this guy with a huge umbrella came over to us and stood with us so we wouldn't get wet. His wife or girlfriend had her own larger umbrella. It was just this nice moment that made my night.
My new friend is the guy at the Dean and Deluca stand- Sarah and I stopped there for coffee and I didn't realize that I had grabbed a $5 instead of a $20 so I had to go back (hey those iced mochas get expensive) and I left Sarah there while I ran home for cash. When i got back the guy told me that he knows me and I totally didn't have to go and gave Sarah another coffee. When I walked by later he offered me a free banana. Friendly nice people just make me smile.

Do I really need a title?

Cooking for dinner tomorrow night. I'm feeling lazy so I'm doing Mexican- I can do it with my eyes closed and it is a great way to feed a lot of people. Joan couldn't make it tonight so I went grocery shopping, pigged out on my leftover rice and a Mike's cranberry lemonade and started cooking. And Pacey has been IMing - asking me to come over. It's an exciting life that I lead.
Today wasn't all that productive- I met Carrie for lunch and then went swimming instead of doing any school or lab work. I swam a mile, it's a great way to clear my head although I really have to start running again. I miss being able to do that but unfortunately I hate actually doing it. After swimming and hanging with Aunt Karen for a bit I went scavenging in my mom's house. Sophie called while i was on the way out so i ended up making it back to school much later than i anticipated but I was in time for stats. Spent some of stats listening and taking notes and spent some of it putting together stuff so that Arnie can help me write my essay. I really have to get started with the application process. The first applications are due December first and I haven't even selected the schools. I am not going to apply to all 20 that i applied to last year and this year I have to add a couple of safetys. Each year gets more competitive and last year the acceptance rate was 5% for some of these schools, a couple were at 2%, the "easy" ones took 8. I dont' know if I am avoiding this because I am scared or unsure or something. Last year I was so sure that I was ready to leave NY and go to Berkeley or Emory or Michigan- am I still ready to leave my friends and family and apartment? I'm happy, would leaving jeopardize that? Or is it the same thing as moving to escape your misery- wherever you are, you take yourself with you? I made these friends and I keep making more friends in school, I can make new friends at a new school and I will keep in touch with my friends here and I can come back and visit. I don't know. I love living with Stella and seeing Sarah regularly and hanging with Elle, Juliet, Aurora, Harry and Sally, Joan and Bobby, my whole downtown crew, Gracie, Casey, Simon- everyone. If I move to DC, i have Sam, Seymour, Lois and Clark (and crew) in the area and if I go to Cali, I have Lilah, Jack, River and my family and I have family in Chicago as well. I know people in every city in which the schools I applied to were located through my community stuff (with the exception of Ann Arbor) - besides Konstantin and Arnie can move to other countries (i should be able to move to another state- parenthetically, I want to see if I can find some kind of month to six week volunteer position (psych related) in another country for winter break- all suggestions and assistance are welcome and encouraged!). I should apply to schools and then worry about if I want to move to Atlanta if the oppurtunity becomes available. The reality of being able to work with Drew Westin or Matt Nock may make moving a more attractive proposition. the application process seemed really daunting last September and I procrastinated a bit but then I did it. I can do it again and there should be no real fear of failure because I failed and I survived it.
Eating Patterns have been kind of weird lately so I think I have to go back to reporting on my consumption- i'm not sure this transparency helps but it can't hurt - Today: Coffee, Cliff Nectar bar, 100 calorie bag of sun chips, hot and sour soup, shared some moo shoo chicken and orange beef with broccoli with Carrie, 2 cookies (hot out of the oven and I had to have one of each type that Karen was baking- chocolate chip and my great grandmothers flat cookies), Kind walnut date bar, halvah bar, onion soup mix rice, mike's hard cranberry lemonade. Oh and no vitamins (which also means I didn't take my prozac)
I have more on my mind but i also have more on my plate and it's getting late.

Falling asleep

I should go to bed as I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. Just got back from drinks and The Science of Sleep with Dani and Sally. I liked it. It was cute, surreal and it made me smile as well as think about the substance of reality and about the nature of attraction and intimacy. I think that I like my reality and I realized today that I think that it isn't so fragile. I built it and I'm not going to jeopardize it but I can do that on my terms. I'm not sure this is making sense- I think I should probably get some sleep. I got a lot done today and I hope to get a lot done tomorrow. I have Neurophysiology homework to do and I need to get started on my applications as well as take care of a bunch of Sinai stuff (although I finished posting the survey today- if anyone is willing to check it out for me, let me know, I could use some assistance checking the skip logic in the questionaire).
Hopefully I will get a chance tomorrow to flesh out my thoughts a bit more and write about some other stuff that is on my mind- liking talking to a friend about her possibly philandering boyfriend.

It's all good

I woke up at 6:15, swam with Aunt Karen, have gone back on the DVG diet, totally caught up on lab work, ran a subject for Theory of Mind and am now posting Borderline Personality Disorder survey on web (this site is ridiculously slow so I have to time to check in as it uploads pages), made plans to go to a movie (I think we are going to see the Science of Sleep) and maybe get a drink with Dani tonight and made lunch plans with Carrie for tomorrow and I think that I will meet up with Joan after class. I also invited a bunch of the downtown folk for dinner on Friday night.
Although I have to make progress on my to do list (BPD stuff, application stuff and paperwork to prove i'm not a pedophile and can interact with the patients on the adolescent mental health unit at Sinai among other life errands) - I have a bunch of stuff to blog about that i was thinking about while swimming and driving (NPR wasn't that compelling this morning) but it will have to wait until I'm at least done with some of my other work. But it's all good, all the stuff I thought about is good and I'm good.

Good thing i was alone in the car...

Because I was singing along to the radio and no one should subjected to that. Lilah was right, I needed to get out and I needed to touch base with my life. Juliet and I walked from my apt to 46th St and back- we walked along the water and it was a beautiful night and it was great to catch up with her. We talked about a ton of stuff and I realized that I'm happy. I like my friends and my life and what I am doing. We agreed that Bernard was quite the loser for falling off the face of the earth and that connections like the one I have with Arnie don't come along regularly so i should enjoy it while it lasts and that i have a fairly normal family and in that respect i am really lucky. (we also talked about her life). After our walk (and my falafel for dinner) I drove home (spoke to Aunt May on the way home- love her!) to hang out with Holden and Will. i should go to sleep because i am waking up at 6:15 to swim with Aunt Karen and then heading to the lab to run a subject for the Theory of mind experiment. Arnie said he would help me with my application essays so I think I will actually start applying to school.
I think I am living in the now and I like it. I'm not ignoring the future but I'm not ignoring the present either. Lilah had told me that when people take something instead of nothing it generally doesn't work out well for them and when I have given up something (like Caleb) I have gotten a lot- she's right but I'm not sure that is pertinent here. I think this is different and I think it is real and precious even if it's not forever. I want to maintain this connection that I have with someone I respect and admire (even though I know he is flawed) but I am not going to jeopardize my life for it. I am back to concentrating on school and research (things are going REALLY WELL with Sinai) and I think I can keep moving forward in my life and Arnie and I can both benefit from our association (either as friends or more). I don't want to think about it anymore, i just want to live my life and appreciate all the people in it.

Hmm

Do i miss Arnie or am i bored? Or is it both? Does he miss me or does he have time on his hands because things haven't picked up there yet? If I remembered how amazing I know I am would I still accept whatever scraps he was willing to give me? Do i just want someone to love me?
Ok Lilah just told me that I have to get out of this retreat and out of my head, she told me to go back to my life, the life I built and she is right. I have to get off the computer and out of my head and away from studying. I should go out in my neighborhood and out with my friends. Maybe catch a movie with Aurora or Juliet- going to stats and playing online the whole time might not be best course of action today- i'll go on thursday. I will try to get out and i'll keep y'all posted when I get back from living a bit.

What's it all about

So Lilah thinks that Arnie is one of those people who needs to feel things intensely in order to feel. He is caught up in the pain of being in love with his ex. He likes the drama of loving me and then leaving - he needs the highs or lows. Clearly this makes him a bad bet so i shouldn't care if he is 3500 miles away and if he never comes back because I should be moving on. she said I am like a well of emotions and he just dug an irrigation ditch and they all came to the surface. I'm not sure if I want her to be right or not. Believing what she says means that i have to let him go- and part of me wants to hold on to him but part of me wants to get rid of the uncertainty that is inherent in holding on to him- I am at his mercy in some sense. I can walk away and take control but then I don't get him. Do I want him badly enough to make myself vulnerable? Is staying connected to Arnie going to make it harder for me to connect with other guys? Will I not need him as a friend once I meet another contender? (Arnie can be a contender if he wants to be)
What do I want from Arnie? Am I happy to be casual friends with him? What is going to make me happy? How intense do I want things to be? Would I be OK if we never had another naughty conversation or if i end up getting very little from him? I feel like I really miss him but am i just telling myself that. What if we keep in touch but I dont' see him when he comes into town? I may have even checked out flights to where he is- I can't afford to go and I am not going to (I did find fairly inexpensive trips over thanksgiving)
I'm going home after class to swim with Erin and hang out with Will and Holden and then swim with Karen in the morning. Exercising and spending time with people who love me and then more studying - I think it will be good for me. So will having Sarah here for the weekend and starting training this weekend and hanging with my downtown crew. I really love my community and my neighborhood.

Heading to Bed

I had my day of mourning, which was slightly truncated by hearing from Arnie and tomorrow I have to go back to life. I gave my prof some bullshit excuse so I could push off my exam as studying was just not happening today - tomorrow I have to study and get ready for this exam and I have to prepare for my meeting at Sinai. Time to recommit to my life, especially graduate school. I need to get back on top of my work. I am going to go to sleep (slightly nauseous from dinner with Sarah) and wake up early and I hope to have a productive day. Although i am going to sleep in Arnie's t-shirt, which still smells like him but I imagine that it will be gone by morning. I also made a date to go to the gym with Sally tomorrow. Time to go to sleep, I'm exhausted from this emotional rollercoaster and I'm not sure if I have gotten off yet.

Making progress

Aurora came to visit and I feel so much better. I talked to her about Arnie and I told her the whole story and I may have teared a bit but I was also able to see the positive. I was able to see the good things that I learned about myself and the ways in which connecting to someone was a gift and how by I benefited by opening myself up to someone.
We spoke about the Eating Disorder fundraiser and I'm excited- it's real and it is coming along and this is my idea coming to fruitition. And it's helping people already.
This weekend I start the training for Emergency Room Rape Advocacy program. I am really excited about it, I love my friends and my family (I am so blessed) and my roommate and my apt and I really like being a graduate student (I don't really mind studying when I can keep my mind on the material). Things are really good. I have stuff to do tonight for Sinai and things are really moving along with the research. I am lucky and I have a good life. I am not going to wallow in self-pity because this man that I love doesn't love me enough to put aside his fears of intimacy to be with me. It hurts me that he is so desperate to make a clean break that he won't even try to keep in touch with me. I would love to e-mail with him and speak to him and see him when he comes back in town but I suppose it is better this way. This way i can just go back to my life and maintain this precious memory of our time together. And by the end of the day his t-shirt won't smell like him and maybe soon I will be out of tears.
I am getting together with Sarah later so that should help too.

And the ramblings just keep on coming

It's not in me to give up. It's not in me to just accept that things can't be the way I want them to be. I can't help but believe that love should get a chance. I want another chance to see him and put my arms around him and make us both feel better. I wish I had driven over to see him on Friday to say goodbye rather than helping my mom cook for sukkot. Not that it would make anything different right now, he is 3500 miles away and I am hurting. And I can't help thinking that there is something that I could do to make things different, to change the ways things are. I can't believe that these feelings I have, this desire to make him happy just stays here with me with no place to go. I dont' get to make him happy and I don't to make him smile or laugh and I don't get to touch him anymore. I don't want a long distance relationship, I want him here with me but at this point I would take anything, even just e-mails but I know that isn't good for me. And I know I want someone who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make him happy. And part of me thinks that is him, that he does want to make me happy which is why is he pulling away because he thinks it is better for me- maybe i'm just projecting or full of wishful thinking. What would make me feel better? would anything? Does knowing he loves me make it harder or easier for me.
I am making some progress studying but I had to come home because i have a stomachache and a headache. Studying was distracting me until the physical pain overtook the distraction. I'm not sure if I dont' feel well because I have a virus or because I didn't sleep well or because my body is feeling my emotional pain or if it is giving me an excuse to curl up and regress.
I just missed a call from Sophie- it's weird to talk to my family because I haven't told them what is going on with me. I dont' know what else I have to say anyway. It sucks, it hurts and that is the crux of it- not that profound.
I made tentative plans to hang out with Aurora today but I think I will probably either study or sleep. I'm not sure that is what is best for me but I think I am going to let myself mourn for a day and try to make myself believe that it is really over and remind myself that I have too much pride and self-respect to contact him again and to let him know that I am here if he changes his mind. I can't believe we love each other and he is really walking away. I can't believe I dont' get the chance to make him happy. Feeling this way about someone is really extraordinary and I am happy that I can care so completely for someone else. I dont' think that it is because I dont' care about myself enough. I am proud of myself for letting someone in and for being brave enough to want to try with someone that isn't ideal and isn't what I was looking for. I guess that is what i should hold onto - the ways in which this is a good thing.
Instead of going to a movie with Aurora- she is going to come over.
And I think I am going to put on the t-shirt and then it isn't going to smell like him anymore and I just want to smell him for a while and have him around me. Wow, I can't believe that I am never going to have his arms around me again and I won't sleep with him anymore. I want him to sleep on his chest and I want him to sleep with me without taking a sleeping pill and I want to chase away the ghosts that haunt him. I can't believe that I don't get to do that for him.

More Ramblings re: Arnie

I guess I should get used to this dull ache punctuated by moments of sharp, heart wrenching pain. That is probably how things are going to be for a while. Apparently I can look forward to it hurting for a while, getting worse before it gets better and having numerous conversations with Arnie in my head. And here - since I can't email him, I will probably write my letters to him here- give myself someplace to put all my thoughts and feelings about him. Part of me is really tired of thinking about him and I want to just stop- I want to be able to concentrate on neuro-anatomy and posting my BPD survey and part of me want to sit on my bed in his t-shirt and write him untold emails unti I finally get him to give us a chance. I know that there is no way for our relationship to be ideal but I am so angry at him that he is walking away, I know he intended to walk away all along and I was fine with that- I expected that but then we really connected and then I fell in love with him and I'm not sure when that happened. But now I want to protect him and make him happy and I am so sure that I could do that if given the chance. I can't believe he is walking away from this chance to be happy - moving to another country will chase away his fears and loneliness- he takes those with him. He may be really busy working and have productive days and then be exhausted at night but still his fears will stay with him- i really believe that I can help chase them away. I really want to try. It's amazing how little this is about what I want to get and how much it is about what I want to give. This is like some tragic novel- the love that cannot be and I'm angry because it isn't family or circumstance that is keeping us apart- it's him. It's his idea that he needs to move on and away and his idea that he can't do that with me- I understand that this isn't what he expected. It isn't what I expected but I think love can change you, it can change your expectations and it deserves respect and attention. I think this is real and I think we should explore it- I just want to be with him in whatever way I can for however long I can. I suppose at this point i can say that I was with him for however long I could be and it's over.
I do respect how he was determined to start fresh and I hope it is good for him- it just sucks for me. I really want to go to the beach but since he lived by the beach i'm not sure if that will make things better or worse and I need to study - which isn't really happening but I should be making more of an effort.
I just miss him but I have to relinquish this fantasy that things will change, that he will miss me enough to contact me or that he will come back here soon. he told me from the beginning that he would never be my boyfriend and I was Ok with that as that wasn't what I wanted from him, he didn't change his position just because I changed mine. So I don't have a right to be angry- it's just easier than being sad. But sad is more honest so I should embrace that and appreciate what we had when we had it and stop regretting all the things we didnt' get to do together. I know he will be back in town in a bit for a couple of days and of course I want to see him but I don't expect to- even if he wants to I don't think he will contact me as he won't think it is good for me (and he may not want to) - would I want to see him knowing that it will be harder for me when he goes again? Probably- but it is not going to be my choice to make.

So I got my goodbye

Such as it was. It was short and it was clear and it's time for me to move on. It no longer matter whether it is better this way or if things could or could not work - there is no need to think about it and come to any conclusin- it isn't going to happen. That is the end of the story. i can cry if I want but I have to stop expeting things to change in any way. I will not be hearing from him again. Time to throw out his sweats and put away the book he gave me and delete his email address (although since it is Arniemcarniestiein@gmail that is basically a formality). I have to stifle my inner optimist that is telling me that he will come back to me- he won't, heis not going to change his mind. He thinks this is what is right for him and maybe it is. I guess I really value the connection we made and i think it worth holding on to in some form or fashion. I am actually not crying and I'm not taking this personally- somehow I know this is about him, it is not about me. Doesn't make it more fun for me but it helps somewhat. He connected with me but he wants to move on and he moves away and doesn't want to take that connection with him. I dont' think it has anything to do with me. I know he isn't perfect and that there are so many ways that this isn't right but I think I really just value the connection we made (and I do value him as well) and would be willing to see how far that could take us. But we both have to be willing and he isn't- as he said he loves me but from afar. Time to go see T2GT and then get some serious studying done. Good news- after 2 days of non-stop eating my appetite is totally gone again. Thanks Arnie for helping me get skinny for other guys

Things to work on

Impulse control
Procrastination
Emotional Eating or any bored eating or any eating that isn't a response to actual hunger
I'm sure there are others but making headway on these would be great

Kind of a weird night

not nearly enough studying, too much internet surfing and talking to Pacey (he wanted me to come over and I wanted to be distracted) and then too much composing emails to Arnie- intention was not to send it and then i did- talk about lack of self control, it was immediately followed by an email asking him to disregard previous email, because those always work out so well. I need to let go- he has and he wants me to as well. it's late. i need to get some studying done and stop thinking about arnie or anything other than neuro-anatomy. starting now!

Am I that girl?

I can't believe I'm that girl, the one who is smelling his t-shirt and deciding if I want to wear it because then it won't smell like him anymore. And I'm composing e-mails to him in my head that I know I will never send. I deleted his number from my phone and I dreamed about trying to remember it last night.
I went swimming tonight and just did 50 laps without stopping and tried to clear my head. It helped a bit.
Pacey has been texting me to come over and I'm kind of tempted just for the distraction but I know it is a bad idea. I keep thinking of all the things I didn't get to say to Arnie and all the things we didn't get to do.
I really should be studying Neuroanatomy now. I have a test on Tuesday and it is going to be rough. I'm sure I will be blogging later as I should be up pretty late studying and I keep getting distracted by my thoughts, which keep changing- I think I went through 17 attitude shifts during the 45 minutes I spent in the pool. And I wonder if he is even thinking of me.

Second Guessing

i am wondering if this was all in my head- did he connect wtih me too? I keep hearing him tell me he missed me on teh phone on Thursday night and thinking about the text he sent me that night but I also keep thinking about how he told me he didn’t want us to get any closer and that he has intimacy issues. And I dont’ know what to believe in- I dont’ know wht was real and what i talked myself into to and what he felt about me. I mean seriously it was all of 3 weeks and I had been going on dates with Bernard during that time and he had one foot out the door. It started as this hook up was it really ever anything else? It felt different but I’m not that experienced- what do I know? I guess I know that I feel my heart hurting but maybe I did this to myself- and maybe I was in this alone. He told me he wouldn’t tell me what he thought because it would make me sad and I wanted him to anyway- and now I wonder, would knowing how he felt make me feel better or worse? i really should be studying now although I am finding it difficult to focus. I deleted him number from my phone and the texts I had from him and I have to delete the emails he sent me and his email address. He left his sweats and tshirt in my car, I have to decide what to do with them and decide when to read the book he gave me - it has his underlines in it so i’m not sure i’m ready to go there. i dont want to banish his existence but I dont want to harbor any illusions that I will be hearing from him again.
And I know that he told me that I did everything right and he is the one wiht intimacy issues but i can’t help wondering how to do things differently. and I know T2GT told me that it is too short a time to draw someone to you but I still wonder why I am so easy to leave, even as I know that it is a ridiculous question. I know i am a good person and I know that I can connect wtih people and Im proud of my ED work and I think I feel good about moving forward in school- I think things will be ok (although I do have to stop eating- have been eating WAY too much today and moving too little)- I know things will be OK adn I knwo the right guy is worth waiting for, i just get impatient sometimes. And I kept help wondering- is Arnie thinking of me? Does he miss me too? I know that a new place can be really exciting and distracting and there is so much that is different- but did I make an impression on him. I was reading the op-eds today and thought that he would really appreciate a particular one and woudl have forwarded it to him if I didn’t know what a really bad idea that was- esp since i know he won’t respond and I will not initiate contact with him that i think is unwelcome and will not be responded to- I am retaining some measure of pride and self-preservation.

It hurts

He really left without saying goodbye. And wow does it hurt. I knew it might happen and I knew he would be gone tonight one way or another and I know that there are so many ways in which we are not right for each other and I know that there is nothing wrong with me but I am having trouble breathing right now. I left him Thursday morning, kissed him on the forehead, whispered goodbye and went to class. I didn’t realize that would really be it. i can count on two hands the number of times we hung out and we barely spoke on the phone and I don’t even think I knew I really cared until about a week ago and even then I vacillated but this hurts. Having fun with my family can only help so much - dinner was great and then as I realized his plane was taking off I had to retreat to my room. I am sitting on the floor next to my bed with tears running down my cheeks, typing and I hear the sounds of Erin, Holden and Will’s conversation. I know I will be OK but I’m just sad now. I’m still happy I met him and that we connected but I can’t help wishing I had at least gotten to see him today. I want this trip to be amazing for him and for this job to work out well but part of me wants it to be bad (not terrible and not truamatizing) but bad enough that he will come back after the 10 day feeling out period. I know he is excited to move on and start this new exciting phase of his life and I think it will be good for him but I miss him. I dont’ reallly think we would work out if he were here but I still miss him. I’m going to take a page out of his book and take a sleeping pill and go to sleep now.

Goodbyes

My appetite has been very much diminished over the last few days. I'm not sure what that is about but I should be taking advantage of it. Today, I swam for the first time in weeks and I worked out yesterday for the first time in weeks as well. Hopefully I am geting back on the exercise track. I hope that I won't be eating excessively over Sukkot even though my mom made amazing food. The good news is that all this stuff with Arnie hasn't been promoting emotional eating.
It feels really good to be hanging out with my family. I am happy to be home for Sukkot and I definitely will be partaking in the very fine wine my dad bought.
So Arnie is leaving tonight and I didn't see him. I waited until one pm to hear from him and then I drove home (crying the whole way but feeling good in a weird way- it was kind of exquisite. I guess intense emotions, even sadness, can be really beautiful and it can be great to experience them. I am happy I could feel it). I texted him to say goodbye and he texted back that he would call shortly but he called when I was helping my mom cook and he didn't leave a message so I guess that was goodbye. It's over and in some ways it was really great. He was really great and I think that I ended up learning really positive things about myself. I'm happy we had what we had. Of course part of me wants to hear from him again and I have this fantasy of him calling me when he gets back in town but i know that it won't happen and it is probably for the best. I think I am content. It's pretty amazing.
I would have prefered a different goodbye but I guess it is over all the same. I think that I treated him as I would want to be trated throughout our encounter and I think I said goodbye to him in the same vein. The only behavior I can control is my own so I could say the goodbye that I wanted to say and that is all I can do. I caught some of Dawson's Creek as I was cleaning my apt this morning and it was the one where Joey and Dawson say goodbye (or that is the last 10 minutes, which is all I say)- I'll admit it, i may have teared a bit. And i may have been a bit jealous. I was tempted to write Arnie a plane/ goodbye letter and say the kinds of things I would want him to say to me (but he won't say because he thinks it will make me sad and it will prolong our relationship) and tell him how he affected me and the person that I see when I look at him but I ran out of time and it might be for the best as I am not sure it would have been interpreted in the spirit in which it was intended.
Daddy is calling me- time for Shabbat.

What I want

What i want is someone who wants me as much as I want him. Someone who is more scared to lose me than to be with me. I want to feel connected to someone. I am ready to let someone in and I want to be let in.
Right now, my heart kind of hurts and the tears have been intermittently appearing but I am also really happy. I am happy to know that i can connect with someone, that I can extend myself to be with someone, I can let someone in and I am happy that I know what I deserve and what I want. I'm happy that I know my heart can feel this way. Feeling this way about someone is a gift. It's beautiful and wonderful and it still retains its value even if things can't work out long term. It doesn't make it less real. I am happy that I can be honest with myself and with someone else.
Arnie is leaving tonight and I'm not sure if I am going to see him today. I want to see him but only if he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. I know he has a lot of stuff to take care of today and I really don't want to make things more crazy for him and I dont' want to see him if he is going to be preoccupied. I have to let go at some point today. Will seeing each other make things better or worse for me? Do I care? I think being with my family for the next 2 days and having all this studyiing to do will be good for me.
Song - Galileo by Indigo Girls

Emotional Landscape

Lots of feelings going on and it's pretty intense but I think I am mostly happy. There has been some crying but I think it was just an emotional release. I think I feel good- about me, about Arnie and about the future. I'll expound upon this later but suffice it to say, i'm feeling like I am fucking amazing and I know I deserve to be with someone who knows it.

Randomness

This is my day to make new friends- have been studying for upcoming exam with 3 of the doctoral students and have gotten their study materials that they have been making. I am so in with them- should make stuff easier and they are really nice.
Got back my stats exam- looks good :)
Sarah cancelled dinner tonight (apparently I have some communicable disease). I should exercise and get some sleep instead of going over to Pacey's apt or trying to track down someone else to hang out with.
Good things yesterday- hanging out with Gracie, going to the beach, text flirting with Pacey- do I know what I am doing here?

notes off stickie
97 on first part of my stats exam :)
last night tried aurora first - before i met up with arnie- if she was available would i have gotten together with her and not seen him?
what do i want? why do i want to see arnie as much as i can before he leaves when he is leaving tomorrow? how does being with him make me feel?
do I want to sleep with him just to get the first time over with?

Notes written on stickie during presentation in class

sort of enjoyed my little wallow into self pity yesterday but now it is over. in a really good mood- not sure if it is because i had breakfast or got some action last night or because class was good this morning or because i had great conversations with my mom and Janie (it was so great to catch up with her - I have been friends with her and Emma since I was 6)
Not sure why I am feeling better about the whole Arnie thing- he is still leaving tomorrow and we still aren't keeping in touch but I'm back to being happy about having had what we had rather than being sad about its end. And more importantly i'm back to feeling good about me. It's like i forgot how fun and cute and great I am and now I remember ;)
Totally not on schedule for studying for neuro-anatomy but i feel like I will get it done in time. I have 2 days at home of holidays and all day monday to study.
made 2 new friends (2 cute guys) in class today.
really excited to hang out with my brothers and Erin for 2 days.
Oct 23rd is next ED fundraiser- invites are going out today - moving forward (slowly but surely) at Sinai so things seem good.
Got a call about a potential Carl- I need to call back to get the details.

Some truths about men*

* in formation
the best cure for one man is another- Lilah
you can't predict or control who are attracted to or who you connect with- conversations with both Sarah and Dani
please feel free to add your own insights

Joys of Procrastination

I should be doing work for Mt Sinai or studying Neuroanatomy but instead I'm blogging because that is just the kind of blogger I am- procrastination driven.
Working out logistics of getting my keys from Arnie and giving him his stuff back. It's fun. I think we might have worked out a way to take care of all this stuff without actually seeing each other. I guess that might make it easier- the trugh is whether I see him or not, its SO over so it doesn't really make a difference. Seeing him might be painful and awkward and at this point I'm fine. As T2GT said today, I'm not broken up about it. He seems to think this is all a good thing, or a move in the right direction. I think I think this is all a good thing.
Also working out details for third date with Bernard tonight. Not sure what we are going to do and we are meeting pretty late which kind of limits the options but I have compiled a fun list of stuff to do on dates as I have been researching options for tonight. In fact, we did one of the activities last night to celebrate Harry's birthday- trivia night at the Baggot Inn, every Tuesday night at 7:30. (also totally looking forward to Bingo night Mondays at 9:30 at Mo Pitkins on Ave A).
I totally didn't get enough done today- and unless you count reading up on BPD- I got nothing done (pedicure and therapy were good but not productive in the academic sense).
At least most of the anxiety from yesterday is gone. I am not sure if it was getting some sleep or getting my period that helped. Or it could have been getting my car- although that really wasn't that bad, thanks to Sarah and my parents relatively good attitude. Not that shlepping to Riverdale and shelling out $281 is every a good time. I really should be studying for my test on Tuesday, especially since I was less prepared than I might have liked for my test yesterday- I took it 6 hours late, when I showed up at school and went to talk to my prof and he asked if I could take it right then. Not exactly what I anticipated but I was happy that he was letting me take it. I would have prefered to take it today or even a few hours later but I think it went OK.
My mom was annoyed that I went to Baltimore as she thought I never should have gone away to get back late at night right before an exam. She was particularly irritated that she told me it was a bad idea and I ignored her. She told me that I could have just stayed home for Yom Kippur- there is nothing wrong with that. Well nothing except at home I am expected to go to shul. In Baltimore no one cares, no one is watching me so there is no stress associated with it.
In other news, I think Simon and i are OK. I'm really happy because I feel like we are getting back to being friends and that is important to me. I keep getting requests from Pacey to help him destress before his CPA but it's probably not a good idea. My relationship with Simon is more important to me and I should probably try to focus on seeing what happens with Bernard. Essentially I could take or leave hooking up with Pacey so I guess I should leave it. Good news is that I could always tell him to come here if he wants to hook up and since he is so lazy, I'm in no danger of him ever coming over and I don't have to actually say no.
In other news, I went to psychopharm yesterday for my 6 month check up- he asked me how I was doing and discussed my options. I had 2 competing impulses- to demonstrate how well adjusted I was and to get different meds- maybe other meds could make me happier or less anxious (even though I know most of my anxiety is appropriate and in response to true anxiety provoking stressors), maybe a stimulant can help me lose weight. It is so tempting to take some quick fix or easy route- I was honest with him about how I am doing and he wants to stay the course and I should call him if things change.
OK- just got text from Bernard cancelling for tonight as he is dying at work and has no time. I don't know what to think- he postponed and then cancelled and I don't know if he is interested or not but I am starting to suspect not. I am not sure how to respond so I think I will just ignore it for now. I dont' even think I have a right to be annoyed as I have been far from focused on him anyway. Now I just need to figure out what I am going to do tonight, I could study, or I could go over to Pacey's or I could try to make other plans. I could also go to Aunt Karen and swim. I should probably take advantage of the beautiful day as it isn't going to be nice for much longer. Wow I am pretty annoyed about this- I think I would be OK with being cancelled on if i hadn't been postponed on already or if I knew if he wanted to see me. i thought he liked me, now I am not so sure. Good news is I have named the upcoming "hurricanes", Carl, Darryl, Edgar, Frank, George, Howard, Ira, Jeremiah, Kirk, Lloyd, Manfred, Norman, Oscar, Paul, Quentin, Ralph, Stuart, Thomas, U- any suggestions, Victor, Walter, Xavier, Y and Z- suggestions welcome.

Post- Yom Kippur Ramblings

Ok it's super late and I have to wake up early to take care of my car. It's been towed- trying to work out the details but I think the plates weren't properly transfered when I totalled the old car and got the new car. I know the insurance was taken care of because I did that myself and I had to wait 2 days to get the car, during that time I thought the dealer was taking care of transfering registration but apparently not so much- I have gotten a ticket and parked all over the city with no problem but I lent Arnie the car for the weekend and it was towed outside of his mom's house as she lives in some private community with special security. So I have to go to the pound tomorrow to collect it once I get the appropriate paperwork. I know that it is just an aggravation and an annoyance and by tomorrow afternoon it will just be a funny story but still. My parents were fairly cool about the whole thing and at this point my mom just feels bad for me that I have to take care of retrieving the car. Sarah said she would take me to the pound as long as i could do it earlier in the day so hopefully the whole thing will be fairly painless. i feel terrible that Arnie had to deal with the police and all the associated drama. I called my professor to see if I could take my exam later in the day or in the week as I am currently without a means of transportation- we have to provide documentation if we need to take an exam at any time other than the scheduled time. I am hoping papers from the pound will suffice. I am going to go and try to finish studying just in case. I think I am supposed to be in the lab tomorrow but I left them a message that I am not sure what time I will get there as i need to get my car first. I also have to meet up with Arnie tomorrow to give him his stuff that is in my car. hopefully we will also hang out but I guess it will depend on our schedules. I was supposed to have a date with Bernard tomorrow but he texted me this evening to reschedule it to Wednesday night so now I am free. I think I will visit Gracie before her trip but that will depend on how my day goes and when i am taking my exam. I think things will be much more settled tomorrow evening. Driving in from Baltimore and getting in at 2 am and knowing that I have to deal with the car in the morning and not being sure if i have the documentation that I need and now knowing exactly what is happening with my exam is making me just a bit stressed. Good news is that road trip with Holden and Will was SO much fun. It's great to get some quality time with my brothers. I am really lucky that I like my siblings so much - Sophie told my mom about the towing for me and she and Erin got my mom and dad to feel bad for me instead of being angry at me.
I had such a good time in Baltimore- it was just great to spend time with Lois- I never feel like I have enough time with her. She is such a great person to work things out with as she knows me so well and is so non-judgemental. We have been friends for 13 years and I so value our relationship. I stayed up til 3 am with her on Sat night and til pretty late with her last night. Every time I go to visit I realize that I should be going there more often. Hopefully she will come into town so we can take Carrie out for her birthday.
Sam was at Lois's for Yom Kippur as well and it was great to catch up with her. I dont' think i have seen in over a year and I can't believe I have let it go for so long. We both had the same disinterest in praying so we hung out together over Yom Kippur and totally caught up. I feel like we had both come to similar places with regard to religion, dating and guys. I really need to do a better job of keeping in touch with her. I love that I have all these friends like Lilah, Gracie, Sarah, Lois, Sam that I love and don't feel like I ever have enough time for but I hate that as school gets busier (and it is getting there fast) I know that I wont' have as much time for them as I would like. Sometimes it makes me feel just a bit overwhelmed- in a good way but overwhelmed just the same.
I totally asked out Bernard for this week- I assumed he was going to do it as he texted me and called me after our last date but I just wanted to try to maintain some sembalnce of momentum so I asked him out with a cute text and he responded with another cute text. since I asked him out I think I should plan the date. I am thinking that maybe we should just go for dinner and drinks as this will give us a chance to talk (not on the street as we are wont to do).
Yom Kippur was OK because I allowed myself not to feel guilty about my lack of praying- I fasted and I went to shul for a while and I'm OK with that. It works for me. I realized that I really didn't pray much last year and I think this was essentially a good year. My dad called me before Yom Kippur to bless me and I got a little teary and I he told me how much he wants me to have a good year. I have a good feeling about this year.