it is all random

I'm still in Baltimore and I am having a good time. Sadly, I didn't make it through day 3 of my diet - started fine and then after I gave blood (and was on the local news) I had a cookie (the real kind) and then well then it was all over and I haven't gotten myself back in check yet. I'm hoping that today is the day. So far, it's all good but that is because I didn't eat anything yet. I am totally feeling fat and just yicky. I haven't gotten my grade back from Neuroanatomy but my history of psych grade was posted - B. I really didn't think that I did that poorly on the final. I have to email him to find out what I got on the final - not that I think it will make a difference.
We went out last night to a lesbian bar. I had a really good time and I danced with a couple of girls. And I got a little bit drunk. It was fun especially since I am not hung over this morning.
i may get together with this guy I "met" on jdate who lives in DC. there isn't any long term potential there but it might be fun. I think I may be getting tired of the "no potential" guys but I'm not really sure. I am supposed to contact another jdate no potential guy when i get back to NY. I haven't heard from Edwin or Frances and I am not going to either. Do I want play or do I want to hold out to find someone I can actually date? i want to find someone to date but play can be fun too. I don't quite know. I should try to get some work done for the lab today and get some reading done as well. So far I have done very little productive anything since driving down-well I have hung out with Will and Holden and Lois and that is important to me. I really do love my brothers. I think that Holden thinks I am even less religious than I actually am but it seems to be all good with him. He drove us downtown to the bar last night and gave me his (well my parents) credit card to cover the tab.

Making progress- no question

It's great to be interacting with my world. I drove down to Baltimore and spoke to Meg, Holden and Sophie on the way down and after my phone died I sang along to the radio. When I arrived I went to a bar with Seymour and Lois and I had a great time just hanging out. We played some bowling video game and had a couple of drinks and made conversation with random people in the bar. I had fun and I didn't care that I haven't heard from Edwin or Frances. When I looked in the mirror when I got back (I was wearing a black t-shirt and jeans) I thought that I looked cute- not fat, not thin but OK, casual and cute. I made lunch plans with Will and a Friday breakfast date with Holden as well as plans with Seymour and I am excited to hang out with Lois. It is really good to see her. It's good to be here. I brought a bunch of journal articles and I hope to get some work done as well and maybe I'll pick up a Gerald, I feel friendly and approachable and Lois does go out every night.
Day two of the diet- the day was fine, but driving down I totally wanted to cheat but I bought myself a water instead. Lois is a gym fanatic so i hope to go with her to the gym.
I'm really lucky, I have a great family and wonderful friends and I am able to study something interesting and meaningful (while my parents support me)- I have to remember that. I feel like I am starting to remember how much I have to offer. I'm fun and smart and focused and interesting and pretty and genuinely nice and sexy - I have to remember that.
I am planning an outing with the women in my rape advocacy training group- it will be good to reconnect with them.

Making progress?

Day one of diet sucessful! Untold amount of days to go.
Date with Frances was nice. He really liked me, which is great. It helps me feel better about not hearing from Edwin. I don't think I am going to hear from him (although it doesn't really matter since there isn't really potential for a future and the play was just OK). I know I'll hear from Frances again although there isn't any future potential there either. It was nice to have someone tell me that I'm pretty and that he was getting a crush on me. I would love to meet someone with whom the crush is requited. But it was really nice to feel attractive and not feel fat- I'm still keeping to my diet.

Randomness again

I haven't been that active (quite the understatement). I haven't really been doing much or going out. Driving down south tomorrow so I will start moving again.
About a week and a half ago I went to the cookie diet office and signed up and bought cookies. I then started the diet (6 protein and fiber cookies and one meal) and I didnt' make it through the day (finals). And I was supposed to start after finals but didn't. I did start today. Yay so far had some cookies, water, tea and now I am having salad with turkey and fat free dressing. This diet is not a forever plan - it's just a way to drop some weight quickly before the wedding. They say 12 to 15 pounds in a month, so I would love to do for the 2 months until the wedding. When I told my mom, she got worried that I wasn't commiting to a lifestyle change. Basically she was like you are not obese, you would look better if you dropped even 10 opunds by the wedding just so you will feel better. I really need to start exercising again. I should probably go to the gym, esp since my parents offered to pay for a trainer. (Parents also bought beautiful, expensive necklace for chanuka/birthday and told me that they have to make me a party when i get into school).
I have a date with Frances tonight- this is random guy from myspace. Not going to go anywhere but it might be fun. I shoudl finish getting dressed.

Am I a slut?

i don't think so but I did hook up with Edwin last night on our first date. We went to sushi and to see The Departed and then came back to my apt. We hooked up a bit and hung out and he slept over. He made me breakfast in the morning and we watched Da Ali G show and he left at around 3 (after we hooked up a bit). It was OK play. I had fun. It wasn't the best I have ever had but I had a good time. He said he would be in touch but we'll see. I would see him again if he called but I dont' think I am really into him. I think I liked having a date and someone's hand to hold in the movies and someone to sleep with and lay on while watching TV but I'm not sure I really like him. He is cute and smart and nice but I'm not sure I am really feeling it. I guess I will see if I hear from him again (and what he says if I do)- of course if I don't hear from him then he will become instantly attractive and if I do I might just be filled with doubts about him.
I am trying to make plans so that I get out this weekend (other than with Edwin). I think I may go out with Elle tonight.
I have to figure out when I am driving down to DC and Baltimore to hang out with Seymour, Lois and Clark and Sam. Next week is back to research work and I am trying to book a ticket to LA to hang out with Lilah and perhaps fly down to Mexico for my birthday weekend.

Another A+

So i got an A+ in stats as well - yay
now i have to get out of sloth mode and start moving again. I am taking the opprutunity to read novels without guilt- I started both A history of love and Little children over the weekend.
Might catch a movie with joan and Bobby tonight - i guess then I will get dressed
We will see if i hear from Edwin (from jdate)- I thought we were supposed to see a movie this weekend but I haven't heard from him yet.

A+ A+ A+

I got a 98 on my Neurophysiology final and an A+ in the course. I'm pretty psyched!
Still worried about Neuroanatomy and history but I am fairly confident that I got an A or A+ in stats.

I'm done!!!

I'm done!! I'm done!! I'm done!!!
YAY- first full semester of grad school done. Now I just have to wait for my grades to roll in and I have to apply to a couple of other graduate programs in case I don't get in here. This is awesome.
now I am printing out articles so I can read up on current research that I need to be familiar with for both labs.

Stupid, Stupid Zoe

Well smart Zoe got 100 on the stats exam part one. We'll see what happens with part two. But stupid Zoe, well stupid Zoe did something she definitely shouldn't have done. Something she definitely knew was a bad idea. I had taken Arnie off my IM list when we stopped speaking but I missed him and I put him back on and I saw him online today and I said hi. I am not sure what I thought would happen. I guess I know what I hoped would happen. I think I wanted to just go down there over break and have a week of sleeping with him and just having fun and I guess then I would come back to NY and be devastated? I can't imagine that it would get it out of my system. A week of great sex and the kind of intimacy we have together and then he stays there and sleeps with whoever is down there and I come back to NY and cry? I thought I wasn't that kind of self destructive anymore. Not that he invited me, not that we had more than a superficial conversation which tied my stomach in knots until I sat down to take my test and was totally distracted by it. I went to dinner after my final (it was everyone else's last final) with the girls in my class and I had a really great time and then I spoke to Sarah and Holden and now I am flirting with some cute guy on Jdate so I am feeling a lot better. Hopefully I will get a few days with Lilah someplace warm over my birrthday weekend and some other fun time over break and not just research work.

Ick Finals

I'm almost done- just two to go. i got my paper back that I wrote at 5 am last week and got a 10 out of 10 but then I took neuroanatomy exam and it was really hard. I think I did well on neurophysiology today - just have part 2 of stats (i think part one went well) and history- then I have to dive right into research work. I'm tired but I am almost there.
I got my first official on call schedule for rape advocacy program and I am pretty excited about that and I think I have finally jumped through all the hoops I need to for registering for next semester. I am taking the same classes as the doctoral students- I am trying to decide if I should take stats 2 as well and then I won't have to take it in my third year. I want to try to get a bunch of work done towards my second year project over winter break. I should do some fun stuff over break as well but I need to figure that out (and figure out how to pay for it)
And also need to start taking good care of myself - sleeping, exercising, eating well- etc. Still fighting off a cough - Lois commented that I have been sick a lot recently and I said it is because I am not taking care of myself - I need to start taking care of myself.

I should wake up early more often

It's 8 am and I already feel productive. I swam this morning, showered, am currently printing neuroanatomy slides so I will be set to study and I texted Daryl to confirm details for tonight (I decided that I can go to trivia night by myself and play until he gets there - he will have to be about 30 minutes late. I can hang out alone in a bar.)I want to set up appointment with the trainer and pay bills today as well as all the things previously mentioned. I am thinking it should be a productive day. And i'm feeling good, I even sang in the shower.

Trying to be a responsible citizen

I am going to bed early so that I can wake up early and swim and get started on my day. Other planned activities include printing brain atlas pictures so that I can study neuroanatomy, visting Ivy at home (she is on bed rest), therapy, research meeting, studying and date with Daryl. I am hoping it will be a productive day.
i think I did well on my stats exam tonight- one down and 4 finals to go.
I am going to type up some stuff for my research meeting tomorrow (I am taking on a new project) and then go to sleep. Ialso have to finish my application this week. I think staying where I am might really be best, I will finish faster, I can start my second year project over break and I like the people there- am I being lazy? or scared? I don't know. I'm not really sure how I am feeling about anything right now. I think I am OK.

Zoe 'Procrastinator' Carrington

It's official, I have taken procrastinating to a whole new level. When did I write my neuroanatomy paper that was due at 9:15 am? From 5-8 am this morning. And what did I do last night instead? Oh a whole lot of wasting time. I think it is actually fine though. I got back my make-up exam and I got a 101.5 so it is working out to a 93.3 on my first neuroanatomy exam. After part one of stats exam tonight it needs to be all neuroanatomy all the time (for real!)

All the news that is fit to print

I'm tired, I have a headache and all I want to do is go to sleep but I can't. I have to write my paper that is due tomorrow. I did make it to my early morning class and put in some time in the lab, secured a letter of recommendation and made sure that one of my applications was held over from last year and just needed to be supplemented. Now I have until Friday to write my statement and finish my application (halfway done) and I have revised my CV. I am going to Carrie's for lunch and then I have to sit down and finish this paper. Maybe I will even get to the gym. (So doubtful- although my parents offered to pay for a trainer for 3 half hours a week until Will's wedding).
I think I am going to go out with Daryl on Wednesday. We will see if that really happens.
I should figure out what I am doing over my break although at this point what I really have to do is focus and rock my finals.
Still feeling kind of blah-

What I am up to

Trying to get myself in gear to get work done. Trying not to let it bother me that I didn't hear from Daryl. I'm taking a break from "studying" to meet Sarah for dinner. Hopefully I will be able to buckle down when i get back.

The rest of my night and notes from earlier in the week

Cleaned my room and my apt
Read 1.5 articles (of 5) for my paper
Took a long shower (long for me anyway)
Organized my notes and typed up some of them
Text flirted with Pacey and didn't go up there to take him up on his offer of some (what he promised would be spectacular) play and sleeping over ( I miss sleeping in a big bed with a guy but not enough to drive up to UWS at 3 am, I do miss it though and kissing and hooking up and all of it)
Did not eat the ice cream in my freezer (you would be correct if you thought that it shouldnt' even be there)

Monday night
* I do want to hear from Daryl but I should also remember that many guys have figured out how to be religious on their own terms and the date was comfortable but it wasn't amazing.
* I should remember that there is lots of good foundation in me and in NY- it's OK to want to stay.
* I want someone who wants me and I should wait for that. I should wait for someone who get excited and sustains it.
* I don't have to be amazing
* I was tempted to write a letter to Arnie that I wouldnt' send (I have written a bunch of those but not in the past couple of months) because I remembered all these things he said to me that made me smile and feel good but then I remembered the things he said that made me feel less good and I remembered how he didn't want me enough (that is the salient point not how much he did want me, it wasn't enough) and the impulse passed.

Wednesday night
* I'm sad but I'm not really depressed (which is new for me, sad and functional, although I did use it as license not to do anything today after exam and therapy until I called in to conference call)
* I miss my old tricks of hibernation and dissassociation- this just sucks and hanging out with my siblings tonight didnt' have any effect at all. Maybe i'm just tired. maybe i'll feel better when I wake up.

A more productive study break than TV

I'm trying to get work done and I am making some progress but I am not nearly as focused as I would like to be. I didn't get anything done on Thursday night or Friday and I started later today than I would have liked. I made myself a study schedule on Thursday night and clearly I am totally behind. I did start taking care of some application stuff- with some schools I have more leeway than I thought and with a couple of schools I have less leeway than I anticipated.
I had my very last training for SAVI today and next month i start being on call. I'm really excited about it and kind of nervous but I have to say that I really like all the people who are involved with SAVI. The training has been a really postive and inspiring experience.
I've been OK recently- not great, not energized or enthusiastic and not depressed. I have been functioning for the most part but I am just kind of sad. I think I am just kind of lonely. I have friends and family and I love them but I want a boyfriend and i hate that I want one. I hate that I dont' feel cool, confident and independent. I haven't heard from Daryl and it bothers me. I think that it isn't about being into him, it's about me. It is about feeling rejected and alone in some way. Totally sucks to feel this way. T2GT tells me that it is progress because I am feeling it and acknowledging it without hibenating and dissassociating (I like hibernating and disassociating- they are my friends, growing up totally sucks). And I haven't been feeding my loneliness or vomiting it up. I know that it will pass and I know how to make myself feel better for short periods of time.
I'm just sad and I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it hurts me to watch Alex and Sophie build their family and watch Will get excited to start his life with Meg and watch Konstantin get engaged and while I don't want any of their lives, I want my life to be different. I dont' want to be single and going out tonight and getting drunk isn't going to change that even if I feel better momentarily. I spent time this weekend with Stella and other downtown folk and I love them and I feel so comfortable with them and I feel like I am living my life, the life I chose but I don't want my life to be without a man anymore and I wish that it didn't bother me. I dont feel like I am having a crisis of confidence. It is more like a crisis of faith.
I guess I have been avoiding writing this blog even though this has been on my mind since Wednesday because I didn't really want to concretize it. I guess I hoped it would go away and while it has been there it is only when I started typing and working it out that I started to cry. I've been mellow and sort of on "off" most of the week.
I think I rocked my neuro make-up and I have started to study for the final (although I don't think I have been studying that productively). I should go take a shower and have a coffee and start summarizing the journal articles that I am using for my paper that is due on Tuesday.
In other good news from the week I am starting another project at Sinai and I will have the oppurtunity to write a section of a paper on the work we are doing.
I have some random notes that I jotted down on monday and wednesday night as I was going to sleep- i'll type them up during my next break.

Stress

Feeling a bit stressed about school and applications. I know that I generally get this way around this time of the semester. Years ago I complained to a friend of mine about final stress and he basically told me that I do this every semester and every semester I do fine. I keep reminding myself about that when I start getting crazy. One of the people I was studying with today told me that she felt the stress coming off me on her side of the table.
I thought I would be able to leave class early today for a meeting that I was supposed to attend. I just couldn't get out of class in time to make it. I realized that I will have to miss another board meeting (different organization) next week as I have a test at the same time. I have another meeting that I must be at tomorrow night. Sigh...things will be SO much calmer in a few weeks. I just have to get through stats exam and neuroanatomy paper next week. I think I am fairly prepared for my Neuroanatomy tomorrow morning. I will go back to reviewing now and have make a swim date so I will wake up early tomorrow and get in my last minute studying.
I tried some stress reduction cardio tonight- also have finished day 3 of my pre-wedding diet.
At this point I am pretty much rambling as I wait for my atlas pictures to print. I should be doing some work. Two and a half weeks of solid work and I can do well this semester. I think if I get my butt in gear I can still get all As and maybe a couple of A+s.
I had dinner with Joan and Bobby last night. It was really good to see them. I was catching up with Joan and she was telling me that I look good but like I have this underlying sadness. I realized she was right. That is what is going on with me now. As I walked to my car I realized that I was OK. I wasn't miserable or depressed or amazing or anything else. I was just OK at the moment and that was fine.
Joan and I were talking about schools and applications and I was saying that I could go to Harvard or Yale on my best day and do really well- but I am not always having my best days and I don't know if I will have 5 years of best days. It is unlikely. I might not like it but it is the truth. I may need to be in a program with a bit more leeway to have a couple of bad days because they are going to come. Graduate school is rigorous and I can't let things slack for a long period of time in any program. I am trying to decide if staying in my program is the best course of action. I'm comfortable and there are a lot of benefits to staying but am I convincing myself because I am too lazy to apply elsewhere?
Talking to Joan made me a think about a couple of things- like this concept of my best self. I was saying that I missed Arnie because I miss how he makes me feel about myself and the self I am when I am with him. I was saying how that is really my best self not the best self I was refering to earlier that evening when I was talking about going to Harvard. I guess that it what we often miss about people- the way they see us, the person we are in their eyes. There is a great scene in Playing by Heart in which Sean Connery and Gena Rowlands discuss that concept. The idea that we are really falling in love with ourselves through that person's eyes.
Finished printing... more random musings later

WORK!!

Lots of stuff going on and lots to say but I have SO much work to do and I know that I need to sit down and get it done. Yesterday was a lot less productive that I would have liked. I spent time studying but i dont think I made any progress.
I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed so I made a TO DO list and I am going now to study with other students in the hopes that it will help me focus.
I have SO much work to do. I really need to go and get started. It is making me pretty stressed. Hopefully I will have time to blog later.

Doing better... a lot better

I didn't get any application stuff done yesterday but I did get studying done so it was some progress made. I do have to get on the application stuff in a big way.
I had a date last night with Daryl. We met for drinks in my 'hood. I had a nice time and would go out with him again if I heard from him. I'm not sure if I will or not but it was a worthwhile experience in its own right as a nice evening out with intelligent, interesting conversation and a couple of good drinks. I deleted his phone number from my phone so that I can't contact him if i don't hear from him - it may not be neccesary but it seemed like a good precautionary measure. I would be friends with him if we didn't date but I suppose that I don't really need more male friends. He was cute but not really my look and i'm not sure if I am attracted to him. The good news was that when I came home from the date and was washing up I thought I looked cute when I saw myself in the mirror.
Other exciting news- we are in middle of applying for a grant for the eating disorder project. If we get the grant we will have enough money to complete the project. It is really great to talk to people who are excited about the project and responding positively to my ideas.
I made it to 8 am class this morning and have been getting some work done but I should probably go back to work and make some more progress.

It's a boy!

Sophie and Alex had a baby boy on Thursday morning. I was called in to babysit for Jamie in middle of the night on Wednesday and have been busy with visting Sophie and helping out with the associated parties and Jamie. I am returning back to my life now. Going to exercise and then going to see a movie with Elle and then I have to study. Getting back to my life. It was nice to get some family time and I hung out with Meg (Will's fiancee) and now I am focusing on Neuroanatomy and applications for the rest of the weekend. I have been making progress with studying and am starting to really feel like I know this information. More later on what I have been thinking about over the weekend.