It's all coming together

I was just talking to my mom about my first didactic and supervision and about all the interest in the film and about getting together with Fiona and Bobbie (two of my future classmates who are totally going to be my best friends for the next 3 years- we already made a date for Sunday) and about going out with Wally again last night (5th date and tonight will be number 6) and she said it sounds like everything in your life is really coming together and I feel like it is. And I feel like I deserve it- I worked really hard for all of this. And I'm so happy and I am so pleased with my decision regarding grad school and I'm proud of how hard I've worked and how open I've been. I was talking to Joan at dinner last night about being open (and I had lunch with someone who is working with eating disorders and we were discussing this too) and I feel like things in my life really changed when I realized that I didn't always know best. I didn't always know what I wanted or needed and I opened myself up to different things and to things that I might think were "not me". It's good- I think that is all there really is to say.

Am I kidding myself?

I feel like all my posts are about how serene and content I am and how my life is moving in the right direction and how I am happy and I feel like I have it all figured out- which begs the question- Am I kidding myself or ignoring something - Should I be focusing on what isn't right in an effort to grow? Or is this just some misplaced pessimism that is a hold over from an older version of me?

Surfing the Crimson Tide (shout out to clueless- one of life's guilty pleasures)

I hate this time of month. I know that by tomorrow I will be feeling a lot better but right now I just hate the cramps and I hate how crazy I get before I get my period. I have been happy for the most part recently and I had a good week but I got way more irritable and impatient than I usually do and I tend to have worse impulse control (particularly regarding drunk texting and the like). Right now I am just really bloated and uncomfortable. At least it explains why I felt really munchy on Thursday night. I have been eating better for the most part and exercising - not as much as I might like but I definitely have been making it more a part of my routine. I even went on Friday with Lois.
To be filed under big news- I had my first session with a patient on Thursday and I have my first supervision on Monday to be followed by an assessment of another potential patient - Yay! It really feels like I am on my way. I have been making progress with the film and spent the whole day on Wednesday at a big residential eating disorder facility- it was really nice that they were so inviting and gave us full access. They are really supportive of the project which feels pretty validating. I have been working on trying to secure more funding for the film and to raise money to help support one of the survivors while she is inpatient this month. I offered to drive her down to the facility but she insists that she prefers to go in alone. So I sent her flowers to be delivered on Monday when she arrives and will bring her a journal or something when we go to film on Tuesday. I am proud of myself and I feel like I have really been a good and supportive friend - I have been helping Lilah with her wedding stuff as best I can, I have been helping Vinny get job interviews and connections in NY, I have been doing Lois's dishes so that she and Clark don't fight over who does them, I invited Izzy to come out with us tonight since he just broke up with his girlfriend and I think he needs to meet some new people- and we are not even friends, I have been working on setting up Sam and Sarah and it isn't just because of the game. But I have not been doing anything in a way that is a sacrifice- I have been enjoying my friends and my summer and being able to help them when I can and just spend time with them. It's good- I like the people in my life and I feel like I like myself (I don't particularly enjoy feeling bloated but that will pass).
In guy news (or what Sam would call- Mandate). I went on a third date with Wally and I think I might like him but I am not sure if I just like how much he likes me. I'm honestly not sure. I like that he treats me well and I like that he really just seems to like me. He could care less about my accomplishments and the things that Lilah might say that I have felt the need to broadcast in the past- he genuinely just enjoys spending time with me. I emailed him on Wednesday after our date to thank him for dinner since we went to an expensive restaurant that I enjoyed and that he didn't and he responded- "Hun, it could have been dogshit and it would have been worth it. Thanks for lighting up and being so wonderful. See in you in balt." Except that he won't see me here since his dad had surgery on Friday and he won't be coming to meet me here as planned. He was going to come down tonight and then drive me to a meeting in Philly and then we would spend the day there before driving back to NY. I obviously understand his need to be with his family and I respect it (and would probably ultimately lost a lot of respect for him if he came down tonight) but I was disappointed and felt rejected on some irrational level. And I was also immaturely feeling somewhat like I should disappoint him too in some way. Obviously I was only supportive and understanding when communicating with him. But I wonder if it wasn't at least part of the reason that I kissed this guy (or let him kiss me) on Thursday and Friday nights. This friend of Lois's likes me and kept coming over to see me and I had kissed him last time I was down here so I did it again. I don't think that Wally and I are exclusively dating and intend on meeting these two guys from Jdate over the next couple of weeks unless things progress with Wally before then and I think that I am still in some ways experimenting with my sexual power and boundaries. It was good to kiss Andy (as in Roddick as he is a younger tennis pro) and stop there. It was good to do what I wanted and then not do anything else. Not feel pressured to do more because some guy wanted to- I guess it could make me feel like a slut, but it doesn't. And on some level, I know that this is exactly what I should have been doing in high school and college but at that time I was too busy being the good religious girl and I was too busy being convinced that I wasn't beautiful or good enough in some way so I am doing it now. And maybe I should skip this stage since I am 31 but I don't think that I need to. Sarah and I were talking about how we wish we were younger so that we had the time to do the stuff we should have been doing when we were younger- well I'm not younger so I am just going to accelerate the process and consolidate all that time into this period. I feel like I am figuring out the things that I need to figure out and it feels right to me. OK sometimes I do things I am not especially proud of (see above drunk texting) but for the most part I am OK with this process and it just feels like an appropriate part of my life. Not the only thing that is going on but just another part of my life to enjoy like school, my friends, my family and my externship and my movie and living with Emmet in our great downtown apt (I was tempted to say phat downtown pad but I recognize that I can't really pull that off).

Man plans....

and God gives you the stomach flu. I had a full day planned and woke up sick in middle of the night. I didn't make it to externship didactics but I cabbed uptown to do the assessment as it took months to get this woman to show up. I then cabbed home and spent the day on the couch with Gatorade. I rescheduled meeting to set up new research study for tomorrow and we are rescheduling book club meeting and am meeting new classmate for drinks on Wednesday. I was really upset to miss the training but I could not move at that point in the day and everything else can still get done. I was so bored at home. There was nothing on TV and I just wanted to be productive again (I did get some stuff done over the computer) but it was nice that I was bored, it was nice that I didn't want to be sick- I just wanted to get back to my life. In the past, I have wanted to be sick and have stayed in the sick mode for longer than necessary as a way to escape or regress but I don't want to escape and I want to progress. I am hopeful that I will be better tomorrow and can go back to the gym and work and have lunch with Sigi and research meeting and then dinner with Gracie and Elle and Tori and then date with Wally. I am going to go to sleep and hope that I wake up feeling like myself. Myself is good.

What a fabulous weekend!

I picked Lilah up from the airport, swam outdoors, hung out with my friend from Israel, had lunch with another friend, went to Kleinfelds with Lilah and then cruised home in Daddy's convertible- I love driving with the top down. I had 15 people for the weekend at my parents house including Sarah, Gracie, Emmet, Vinny, Trudy and her boy and other fun people. We just had a great time. Lots of food, lots of alcohol, lots of laughing, lots of chilling, lots of rest- just all good. Some people stayed over on Sat night and we went swimming. Today I went to Joan's parents beach house which was so much fun. It was just a beautiful day and then I worked out at Karen's house and came back to the city in time to meet friends for dinner and then meet Lilah for birthday drinks. I feel like I was really able to engage in the moment and enjoy it. I have been so busy and I have been seeing so many friends (thursday i had dinner with one friend, dessert with another and then hung out with a whole other crew) and while I have been loving it, I don't really feel like I have been completing in the moment, I have been doing so much and have been so overbooked that I have had half an eye out on my next activity or I have been busy booking up all my time that I haven't completely been there. I feel like I did a better job of being present this weekend and just enjoying where I am and what I am doing. Next step is to stop feeling compelled to be busy every minute- it is OK to spend a night alone at home, I don't have to be booked every second. I also feel like I need to turn off my internal inspector to a certain extent. I have to be able to just be doing something without hyper-processing it and putting in some kind of context.
I start externship training tomorrow and I have my first patient on Thursday. I also have a ton of stuff going on with the film this week and I would like to exercise daily- I have been consistently exercising for the past 5 days or so. I want to keep it up and also revert to good eating habits of last 2 weeks- I ate a ton this weekend and ended up feeling sick. I realized that I hadn't felt sick in a few weeks and my stomach has been a lot better- that is good motivation to eat well because debilitating stomach pains are not fun.
On the guy front- Vinny clarified that he is just looking to be friends and I have actually been trying to help him find a position in NY as a few opportunities have crossed my path and I want to pay it forward. He came this weekend but ended up having to go back unexpectedly- I am not sure if he had a good time. I know that everyone else who was there this weekend did but I am not sure about him. I wanted him to enjoy himself as I wanted to be a good hostess but I wasn't invested in his good time the same way that I might have been had we been dating. But I was happy that he came and I do hope that he had a good time (and we may have snuggled when I couldnt sleep- but just snuggling - which isn't to say that I might not have been open to something else in a friends with benefits kind of way. It is kind of hard to negotiate these things because I dont want him to feel like he has to hook up with me because he is a guest in my house or because I have been helping him get a job- I really don't want to feel like a john. And he may be feeling like he can't really initiate because that makes him a jerk since he told me that he isn't interested in a relationship. and while his reasoning vis a vis pursuing a relationship makes sense, of course there is a part of me that feels like it would be different if he just liked me more- although I am not sure I would really want to pursue a relationship either. I do have to say that it doesn't affect my self concept or self esteem the way it once would have. I remain confident in myself and in what I have to offer. I feel like anyone who is with me is damn lucky and anyone who doesn't want to be with me is missing out - Well I can maintain feeling that way most of the time and I will take that.
I think I am seeing Wally for our third date on Tuesday night- getting together has been tough due to our schedules. I had a nice time with him last Wednesday and he was a total gentleman and sweetie (he offered to buy both Icee colors when I couldn't decide which one I wanted). A friend of mine is working on setting me up with a doctor friend of hers- she is trying to figure out if he might be too religious for me but I told her I thought it might be worth a date. And one of the guys from Jdate wants to meet for drinks this week so I am definitely making some progress and I have been kicking butt in the dating game (which Sanjay wants me to expand- like maybe have a website- thecrazydatinggame.com and write an article for modern love in the sunday styles)- I have been getting a lot of points by setting people up like Sam and Sarah.
OK I have to go wash up and do my crossword in bed as I have to be at training in the am and I also have to fold and put away laundry.

Yay Elle.

I don't wake up at 7 am for just anyone but Elle is back in town and my day is packed so all we can work out is a breakfast date then I will wake up early. Emmet (who was shocked to see me awake) just told me that not only am I awake but I am full of energy- I swear it's not the uppers :)
It's been a productive and busy few days- of course that is if you count going to the gym, laundry and checking out Sarah's work as events (which I do). I am hopefully getting my first patient (for real this time!- i think) set up today. It will be part of my externship for next year. I worked it out with my supervisor at work and the director of clinical training and I think it is going to be a great first year externship- one individual psychotherapy patient, intakes and co-leading a group in child outpatient psych. I am still working on getting my research assistantship figured out- I think the school isn't really motivated to get that set up until the fall anyway. I won't be going away this summer because I am starting weekly externship training and this patient as soon as I finish my helpline training (only one session left - woo hoo. Sitting in sessions with HP (hyper participater) is getting harder and harder to take. I think I will go on the mind body spirit retreat in Costa Rica in between semesters. I will likely need it then a lot more than I do now. For now I am really packing my weekends with mini-trips and fun stuff. Last weekend was camping and rafting, this weekend is houseparty at my parent's empty house and then the beach with Joan and Bobby, next weekend I'm going to Baltimore to see Juliet, Lois, Seymour and the rest of the gang. I am also really trying to see all of my friends and do fun things in the evenings before school starts and I get too busy- that combined with the swimming and gym is making this summer great and I don't really feel the need to get away. I will have a travel packed Sept with Lilah's wedding in LA and the presentation in Austin. I also know that I am going to Israel in November so that combined with Costa Rica in Jan and possibly Israel in October and full family vacay to Colorado next summer should give me enough traveling for the year- especially since I am likely to get in a couple of other long weekends in LA. I'm happy to spend time this summer getting set up for next year and finishing up the film and planning the premiere- at this point I don't have anything in my life that I feel I need to get away from. I also know that I can always take a couple of days and go to Aunt Karen's beach house- which I really should be planning on doing.
On tuesday night Sanjay asked me how much I would spend to be 25 again (but be who I am now) and after I thought about it I realized that I would rather take that money and travel- I mean sure it would be nice to be this grounded, secure, confident and directed 6 years ago but I am here now and that is really enough for me. What would I get? A few more years of knowing myself and liking myself- I will have another 50 to 60 years of it. that is plenty. Sarah and I were saying yesterday that we feel bad for our past selves who got hung up on these boys that we now recognize are losers but we are so happy with our lives now that the years that we spent not knowing our worth aren't really that significant. I thought about it last night and I wouldn't trade my past if it got me where I am now. I am not ashamed of anything I have done or who I have been because I worked really hard to be who I am now and pulled myself out of a few bogs that seemed to be quicksand- knowing that I have done that and I can do that again; knowing my own strength- makes it all worthwhile.
ooh gotta run to meet elle- more to come

So tired

I am not sure why I'm so tired- I didn't have a particularly grueling day but I might just be feeling the two cocktails that I had with dinner. It was a good day in a totally uneventful kind of way. I spoke to the director of clinical training and I am making some progress securing my externship, based on the message I got from my supervisor I may even start a case shortly- yay!!! I have not yet taken care of my research assignment but I am working on that. I am also working on switching to the practicum supervisor that I really want. I had lunch with two childhood friends which was so much fun and then went to the dentist. Looks like my teeth are in great shape- I just have to go to orthodontist to get invisalign since the space between my front two teeth is growing. I spent the afternoon with my sister and nephews which was great and then Sophie drove me to the city for my board meeting. After my meeting I met Chris for dinner - I love eating outside in the summer. Mel is sleeping over tonight and I am having breakfast with her in the morning. I also want to swim tomorrow - I guess I can do that in between my numerous meetings. My day tomorrow is totally booked with research meetings, movie meetings, work, movie and wine night with Harry and Sally and breakfast with Mel. I also need to find time to do laundry and exercise. I didn't end up having time to exercise today- things kept taking longer than anticipated and I got caught up with Jamie but at least I ate well - lots of fish and vegetables today and some fruit. I'm feeling healthy and happy and like if I am going to be at all productive tomorrow, I need to get to sleep. (Especially since dating game starts tomorrow- more on that later )

Being me

I had an amazing weekend. I really enjoyed camping. It was really relaxing to be in the woods and I met a lot of really cool people. We just had a great time. Rafting with Sean and Jesse and their parents is always awesome and this year was no different. There were some old friends and some new ones and I just really enjoyed myself. I rowed, I swam, I sunbathed on the raft- it was just a beautiful day on the river. And as I was talking to Kim and Sean about some things, I don't even remember what, it just occurred to me that I really like myself. I am the person that I want to be. Which isn't to say that I am opposed to personal growth. I just know that people I like, respect and admire, like, respect and admire me and for all the right reasons. I like that I don't just say that I want to try new things, I do try new things and I wanted to be that kind of person in the past, and now I am. I was talking to Juliet and I realized that I love what I am studying and what I am going to be doing. I was talking to Lois and I realized that I really just do what I say I am going to do. I'm proud of who I am and just like myself. I like myself and I like my life- it's good. The things I don't love as much (like my body) I am working on- I am focusing on being healthy and strong. Kim and I were talking about going to Costa Rica at the end of the month and I may stay on for a few days after she leaves which I think might be perfect. I get some time with someone else and then some time on my own. I don't know, I just feel like things are good. I feel blessed, as corny as that sounds. Sure, I would love to be in a relationship but I know that it will come because I can see how much I have to offer (and Sean and Kim are planning on setting me up like mad this summer for the game) and I just feel like it will fall into place- the right guy will see me for who I am and want me. I don't feel like I am missing anything- maybe that will change but for now I am going to just enjoy being me.

Not a good sign

If someone would rather go to sleep than talk to you it tends to be a good indication of their lack of excitement or interest. So of course, I would rather go to sleep than talk to Wally and Vinny would prefer sleep over me. I invited Vinny to come rafting this weekend and he says he will see if he can work it out in terms of his schedule but I don't know if he would be coming for the river or to hang out with me. I would be fun if he came and I would like to spend time with him. I don't know if he is disinterested in me or just stressed out because of all the unknowns in his life (I have been there and I know how unsettling it can be) but I think that making excuses for why he might not be calling is lame- if he wanted to talk to me, he would call. I should just walk away- if he wants to see me, he will and if he doesn't make an effort than I didn't lose anything anyway and I will likely just gain time that I might spend ruminating. I don't know what he is thinking and speculating isn't going to get me anywhere. I have so much good in my life, I am going to choose to focus on that. He is smart and intellectually curious and cute and a good kisser but if he isn't interested in me and doesn't think that I am all of those things too it doesn't really matter. I don't know if we have long term potential but I don't need to know. I don't know what we may or may not have at this point all I have to know is if I want to see him again and I do but if he doesn't want to see me then it doesn't matter. I am happy to help him with job related stuff because I know how hard it can be to find a psych position without some help or connections but I think I have done enough at this point. Anymore is just an attempt to be in contact with him or solidify our relationship in some superficial way. I was helping him before I met him so it is not something I was doing because I liked him but at this point it is not my responsibility to find him a job and I have helped him. I can't make finding him a job my new project. I was willing to help him even if he didn't like me, just because I could help but I helped. I have enough projects. I need to focus on them and focus on my life and if he wants to see me, he will. He knows how to find me. I'm not sure what I want from him but I guess if I think there is dating potential I would like to explore that as I have enough friends and I'm done with friends with benefits and I'm done with being friends with a guy that I might have feelings for. Part of me wants to say that if he doesn't want to explore a romantic relationship we can just be friends, I feel like it is the more mature, more generous position but I also know that while I might want to be able to do that, it isn't really good for me and I come first. I learned my lesson from Caleb- the other lesson I learned from Caleb that I need to bear in mind is "you aren't that into him either", I can't get myself all worked about someone who I don't even know if I like and therefore talk myself into liking him, I am just going back to focusing on my friends, family, work, etc and if he wants to see me then I will worry about it, if not, not. I suspect I am WAY overthinking it and investing too much mental energy in someone that I spent one weekend with - forget suspect- I know. so i'm going to sleep and I'm done with all this.

Not much- but in a good way

I think I am in the midst of successfully negotiating my plans for next year. I spoke to my supervisor and I think that my externship will be a mix of leading a social skills group, one individual therapy patient and intakes. I'm going to see if I can add an inpatient group as well and then I think it will be an ideal first externship and I will have wonderful supervision. I think I might do my research with someone I know, not because it is particularly interesting to me but because it will be easy enough to do and I can get my second year project done by the end of next summer. I have been emailing with a bunch of my classmates and will likely get together with one of them next week. The week is getting pretty busy with board meetings, research meetings, work, film meetings, training, drinks with a girl from work, date with Wally and dinner with an old lab mate-- all good things. Hopefully I will also be able to have dinner with Joan and Bobby after rafting on sunday- I have been missing our weekly dinners.
Title of show was great, I really enjoyed it and then I walked home with Trudy. It was a nice night and it is fun to walk through the Village. I skipped the gay dance party this week- maybe next week. Tomorrow I have to get all my stuff together for camping. Don't know anyone who is going that well and I am kind of nervous about not being able to sleep and being hot but I'm stretching myself and at least I know I will have a great time on Sunday.

Ugh guys

I suppose dating can be fun, I just have to get better at it. I was fine tonight because I wasn't that into him. I didn't care what he thought so I was just myself and he really liked me. He wants to see me again and is clearly interested. He has potential so I'll see him again next week (and then it will be worth 2 points in the dating game). I have been corresponding with two guys on Jdate as well. And I mostly feel good so I don't know why I'm kind of bummed about the guy from this past weekend. I don't know what I want from him and I know that all I need to know at this point is if we want to see each other again, and I know that I do. It's just not clear when he will be back in town and I'm not sure what he wants from me. I told him I had a date tonight when he was asking about my plans and he was basically like "have a great time". It made me upset but I guess that I would have said the same thing if he told me he had a date. I think at this point I would like to date him non-exclusively but I'm not sure if he just wants to be friends or not. I know he thinks I'm smart and interesting but I'm not sure that he thinks I am pretty and I'm not sure what he wants. This guy tonight was totally on the same page as me in terms of his religious observance and is fairly established in his career- both of which were potential future issues with the other one. But I don't know if those are dealbreakers- I'm pretty sure that they aren't to me and at least I wanted to find out. Vinny (I think we might be up to V) is such a fundamentally decent person with strong moral character and just a truly fine person. You just know that he will make a wonderful husband and father and he seems to be a fantastic human being. I also feel like we are really intellectually compatible and share a lot of interests. I don't know...I know if he likes me he will behave as if he does and I won't have to do anything about it. So I really don't have to worry, he will make himself clear soon enough - doing nothing will be clear sign as well. I'm not very good at being patient and just sitting and waiting. Although I know that a guy won't even know he likes you until he has to work for you. This guy tonight waited for me for 25 minutes while I got stuck in training and is excited to see me again. As my dad says- it the way for a man to conquer a woman and not a woman to conquer a man but I guess it just makes me feel like I'm playing games. But I have to get over that as it hasn't been getting me what I want- so I'll have to try another way. The truth is I finally feel like I know what I am worth and I know how amazing I am and I am not going to be with someone who doesn't absolutely know that as well. I don't think I would be interested in Vinny if I didnt' think he didn't appreciate me for the right reasons- which of course doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to date me. And the guy from tonight, Wally is already IMing me and I feel suffocated a bit. I don't think that it is a Groucho complex or wanting only I what I am not sure I can have. It might just be that I'm not that interested - I'm not sure. Maybe we only value what we have to work for- I just don't know. Maybe in some ways Vinny just seemed more sincerely interested in me as a person. We'll see. I'm kind of getting bored of thinking about guys already. But other stuff that I can control (and some which I can't like Elle getting into school and Sarah's promotion) are good. I've been eating well and exercising and generally just good.
I'm meeting with someone who goes to my school to get the inside scoop and get camping gear for this weekend. Hopefully I will work out some more details on my externship as well. Tomorrow night I am going with a bunch of people to see "title of show" and then maybe gay birthday dance party. I like my life, I like the things I do and I am happy that I am getting focused on getting in shape again. I feel like I am doing it for the right reasons and I am doing it for me. Hopefully that will help me stay there this time. I think I really feel like I have everything going for me and it is all in place and I have so much to offer and I finally feel like I am pretty but I want my body to be tighter- I don't need to be thin but I want to be tight. I don't want to feel like a guy is overlooking my weight because there is so much else there and I don't want to have to worry about what he feels when he touches me and I know that I like touching a hard, smooth body so I get that other people do as well. I'd love to feel really hot at Erin's wedding and Lilah's wedding and I would like to feel like I look healthy when presenting at the conference. I do feel like I have been looking pretty good- I just want to look better and I want to be healthy and in shape. Meeting with the trainer and swimming should definitely help with that. Ok I have to edit Emmet's paper and go to sleep.

Sleep glorious sleep

I woke up this morning after having the first good night's sleep in quite some time and I just felt like me again. This guy was put in perspective- I don't know if I like him, it doesn't matter all that much if I hear from him and he certainly isn't worth obsessing over. I just felt happy again and confident and really just like myself. I had a movie meeting and research meeting (which was fun since we did an assessment training and I played a patient) and dinner and pedicures with Grace. It was a good day- nothing crazy or spectacular just a good day. I helped Emmet with a school paper and made some progress cleaning out the fridge- just being kind of productive and it's good. Tomorrow I may even do laundry. My assessment was cancelled for tomorrow so after the gym and maybe swimming, I have time until training and my date. I am open to this being a good date - at least I think I am. There is no reason to think otherwise and I won't be comparing him in my head anymore- at least I think I won't. OK, I should go to sleep so that I can maintain this serenity tomorrow.

I hate ruminating.

I know how to be single, I have actually mastered that pretty well and I know how to be in a relationship (it's been a while but I think I would be really good at that) but this negotiating in between- this I don't know how to do. I can be really smart when advising others about it but for me, well not so much. I think I let my anxiety and distaste for ambiguity get in my way. I keep trying to remind myself that I KNOW i'm pretty great and I don't know that about him. I'm proud of who I am and confident in a way that I don't think I have ever been before so I am not going to obsess over some guy I barely know and worry about whether or not he likes me. I'm not sure he is even a good idea and now it looks like he may not even be moving to NY. In any event, Lois had a great point today- at this point all I need to know is do I want to see him again- and the answer is yes and if he wants to see me again he will. That is all I am going to think about - or try not to think about. I think this is what the rabbi was talking about when he said I was afraid to get married- I like my life and I am comfortable, I am afraid to be vulnerable and engage in something that I can't control. I don't want to get mixed up with ambiguity- I would prefer certainty even if it is a No. I don't trust myself not to revert back to my old slightly desperate behavior if I think I like someone. In some ways, I am scared that all I have gained over the past few years- all my strength and confidence will not help me here. And in some ways I already see that I have brought my strength and confidence with me but if you are doing the same things but for different reasons or while coming from a different place (offering help from strength as a way to help not from desperation as a way to buy affection or attachment)does it really matter? Is it the action or the intention that trumps?

I joined a pool today- that should definitely help clear my head. It always helps me get back to center. Now I just have to buy a bathing cap and I can start swimming tomorrow. I went to gym today and met with a trainer and did cardio, I also made appointments for later this week. And I only ate when I was really hungry and I tried to make good choices, I feel like I will get back to the tighter version of me soon enough. It's good, it makes me feel good and strong. For instance, the woman at the desk at the pool was in a really angry mood and instead of responding in kind I asked her if she was OK and if she needed a minute before she helped me. By the time I left we had shaken hands and exchanged smiles and names. I left remembering why I really like myself.

I also spoke to the director of clinical training at school and expressed my concerns about my externship placement. I didn't feel like I was particularly articulate but I checked in with a bunch of my classmates via email and it seems like no one was that much better. The major problem is that we don't have that much information but I suppose one of my classmates was right when he said it is just once a week for a year. This will not be my only clinical training.

Dinner with Sarah tonight was so much fun. I have really missed her. Hopefully her work schedule is clearing up a bit and I will get to see more of her. We were lamenting the fact that we didnt have the same confidence at 23 as we have now. We didn' know how cute we were then but we know it now so I suppose that is good enough. I feel like for the most part things are really coming together for both of us, things we have worked on for a long time are coming together. It's great- as was the wine at dinner.

Tried to help Lilah today with furniture shopping and registering but shopping is not really my forte. It was nice to spend some time with her though and I am happy to help her out as best I can, as long as I am available.

Other than that I have just been trying to catch up on movie stuff and work stuff. I have meetings for both tomorrow and I am taking one of the eating disorder survivors from the film to a movie. Hopefully I will also get to see this project that Sarah has been working on and meet either Joanie or Grace for dinner. And I have to talk to one of the downtown guys who is organizing camping trip for 30 of us this weekend. I haven't been camping in quite some time and I am kind of excited and partly unsure about what to expect, especially since I have never been camping over Shabbat. Should be fun though.

Quick catch up- addendum

I got a message from the director of Clinical training at school about my placement for next year. I am not clear on my role but it seems that they want me to work in a therapeutic nursery. I am not in fact that interested in pre-school age kids and don't really want to get experience with this group- well, I am happy to get experience with as many groups as I can but I don't want to lose an opportunity to gain experience with a group that is actually of interest to me. I am kind of wary of refusing but when I had my classmates over last week I realized that they told the school that they didn't want some placements so I should be able to do the same. I have to remember to advocate for myself and ensure that I am getting the training that will be most beneficial to my future career. I think I will be talking to the director of clinical training again tomorrow and I am kind of nervous about it but I hope that I will be able to express myself with him.

Quick catch up

I met a guy and I am not sure what I think about it. Trying to remind myself that I don't need to figure it out right now. I can just see how it plays out. I am not sure what he wants or what he is looking for and I guess I have to remember to focus on what I want. He will make his intentions clear soon enough- if I pay attention to what is there and what isn't and don't look for what I want to see or ignore what I don't want to see. Speculation isn't going to get me very far. I have to learn to be comfortable with ambiguity (how many years have I been singing that refrain?). Honestly, I don't even know if I like him or what I want from him. I need to figure out how to pursue a relationship normally- not vis a vis him per se but in general. And I need to stop thinking about him. I have a life, I am going to focus on that. I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow and I have work to do and I need to go through all the transcripts of the film interviews. Additionally, Lilah may be in town and then I am going to spend the day with her- which would be awesome on a number of levels. And I have a date on Wednesday with someone else. So I should be busy enough to wait this out .
Hanging out with this guy made me realize that I think I really have become more comfortable with myself and more accepting of myself. But it also made me realize that I am not really that happy with my body and I like it better when I have a firmer body- two appointments set with trainer this week and trying to recommit to dieting- hopefully my conviction to set myself in shape will remain steadfast.

still good

it's all still good. a little stressful with some of the filming stuff but generally all really good. We finished filming and are now on to editing- wow going through 400 pages is not going to be fun.
I'm hoping that Sean arranges a weekend getaway for July 4th. If not I will hang out with my family and then perhaps meet this guy I have been e-mailing (the filmmaker gave him my email- we also spoke once. He seems nice and smart- we'll see).
I have a bunch of stuff to take care of but mostly things are moving along.
I had my class over on Monday night and they all seem really nice. I am excited. I am busy with good things. I think life is good.