I go to extremes

And it has to stop.
I need to exercise a few times a week not twice a day and make positive dietary changes that are part of a healthier lifestyle.
I need to balance pursuing my goals and getting school work done and seeing my friends and going out and having fun.
I should be able to spend time with my family and be close to them without substituting playing with my nephews for having a life.
Balance being a good friend and being there for my friends with taking care of myself.
Stop focusing on any of these things to the exclusion of other things... let's see how that goes.

Striking a balance

I am trying to find a way to strike a balance between embracing my body and fostering a positive body image and losing weight and getting a better body.
In other news Holden is in Chicago this weekend visiting this chick that he is dating. I am SO not ready for him to be in a serious relationship. I want him to be happy and the kid is so sensitive (he loses 10 pounds every time he likes a girl) and I don't want him to have a hard time dating but he is my MUCH younger brother and I am really not ready to deal with this. I don't want to be alone - I'm sick and tired of it. I am tired of playing third wheel to Meg and Will or Alex and Sophie and I dont want to start playing third wheel to Holden and chica (I know I am getting ahead of myself here).
OK time to try and write a methods section for Sinai paper. I've been avoiding it since I have never done it on my own before (did it for the first time last week with Meredith). Time to dive in.

Is my mom being fair?

I am at home. I just went to the gym to be weights and plan on doing cardio shortly so I am still in a t shirt and yoga pants. In between I am going to run errands with my mom. She asked me to put on a skirt - she says she respects me and my choices but I should respect her and not wear pants in and out of her house. She says she accepts me for who I am and when people ask her what I am like she tells them that I am modern (as if there would be a point in misleading them) but it makes her uncomfortable. I can wear whatever i want (damn straight!) but she wants me to respect her wishes and not wear pants around her house. I told her it isn't an issue of respect but she said she thought long and hard about saying something. And now I am crying in my room. I'm not sure who is right. There probably isn't a right or wrong here. I haven't really been wearing pants around my dad because I know he doesn't like it (and even that I was starting to feel uncomfortable about- i think it is fine and I should be able to do it in front of hiim) but I thought my mom was OK with it. I thought she went it when she told me years ago that she would prefer that I was happy than religious. Well I'm not all that religious now and it feels right to me, it makes me happy. I shouldn't have to dress differently because I am running errands with my mom- or should I? Should I respect her comfort level and dress in a way that she deems appropriate when I am with her. I don't know why it should make a difference to her -I am my own person and represent myself and MY values. Walking around with me is not an endorsement of my point of view and even if it was- support me, the real me- the me I am finally comfortable being. Would she prefer I misrepresent myself? Years ago I told my aunt that i think my father would prefer a superficial relationship with me, he doens't want me to be honest with him and he doesn't want to know me. Even as I type this years later, I am tearing up and I realize how much it still hurts me. I guess I can't be told to dress differently and still feel accepted. Do I want to make my mom feel uncomfortable? But do I want to feel rejected- is that my problem? Is it my perception that needs to shift? So what if I wear jeans (not just mid workout yoga pants) to fly with my family today or run errands (my mom asked if I had a skirt to fly in- obviously it is much easier to fly in pants). What if I am out with my family at a restaurant in cargo pants? Why is that so terrible? I am not wearing pants to my cousin's wedding or shul or walking around in a tank top and hot pants. There is a girl who grew up in this community with parents like me and she too decided to wear pants and does it everywhere. Her parents adjusted. Would it be different if I were married? Would it be different if I were supporting myself? At this point it really makes me want to skip running errands with my mom- let her do it on her own or I will do it on my own. This isn't an issue of my best interest- it's not like weight or make up or anything like that where my mom can claim she is just worried about me (and even then ...) wearing pants will not adversely alter the course my life or limit my oppurtunities- there is no version of events in which that is true.
Stella asked me recently how things are going with my parents and I said "well". This isn't well to me.

i'm kind of proud of myself

I'm feeling better - and it is because I have been trying to focus on working toward my goals. I spent the day working in lab (and I wrote the methods section for a paper) and I was super munchy and I munched on carrots and edamame and honeydew. I also put together a parlor meeting for eating disorder film over the past few days. We have a date, location, confirmed speakers and a committee- we can finish up the invitation tomorrow.
Things aren't amazing and I feel fat and I am waiting to hear about the job and I am going to have to apply to school but I am doing what I can do- and trying not to worry about what I can't do. Again, my mom made it sound like nothing goes my way and I just deserve a break and that just isn't true.
I was talking to Aunt karen tonight about dieting (I went there to borrow an outfit in case the gown I wore to Meg and Will's wedding won't fit) and I realized I really am trying something different. I am trying to commit to a healthier lifestyle. I am not creating a situation that I can't sustain. I want to be strong, healthy and fit and I am willing to take a slower, more sustainable path. I am also doing things differently in lab, I am not just showing up and doing my work. I am trying to push things forward and while I really like the prof and Meredith and I am having a good time with them and I am tempted to just stay here, where I am comfortable, I know i am not really interested in this research and I stayed for too long already because I liked it. I have to publish and move on. I also have to start reading journal articles so that I can really understand what is going on and make a significant contribution.
I am also kind of happy that I signed up to facilitate the next SAVI training (I really hope I have some experience at that point) and that I signed up to be a sponsor on womenforwomen.org. I heard the director speaking on NPR and I thought they were doing something cool and I decided to be a part of it.
Things aren't perfect but I am definitely happier and I am excited that I did that for myself. I took an active role. Bring on more therapy homework- I'm ready.

slowly picking up steam

went to interview this morning even though I was really tempted to cancel- tempted to the point that I was having psychosomatic symptoms- my back hurt and then my stomach, then my head.
I went to lab and got work done and have started planning another parlor meeting for the movie project (hopefully in time to be included in the article)
No gym - but I think it is OK to take a day off- just not a week. I got caught up doing work in lab although I probably could have pulled myself out of there earlier if I really wanted to work out. But at least I was being productive.
Made my lists for therapy homework.
And I also had a great time- I went to east village bingo with Gracie and she rocked my world when she got up on stage and competed in MC Hammer dance off and WON $100. She was amazing. I (and the 3 gay guys we were sitting with) were in awe. It was a fun night- and I had a couple of drinks but I had the salad instead of the fries or latkes. Which is good since I had a piece of chocolate in lab (at least it was really good chocolate) and the skirt that I wanted to wear this morning (I thought I should wear a skirt to represent orthodoxy for the article but the reporter totally didnt know the difference, which is good since I ended up in a really short skirt- it had elastic waistband) didn't fit. I bought that skirt in LA over Pesach and it was way too tight. I am not going to have ANYTHING to wear in LA- not sure what to do about that.

Wanderlust

I miss traveling... I could go to croatia this summer to visit Konstantin and wife. My mom is on board with giving my mileage so that I can go but I think my dad thinks I need to make more of a financial contribution to my expenses. So I feel bad asking him for mileage and money to travel. I want to go to Amsterdam and China and Croatia and South America- and everywhere I haven't been. I know that I gave up traveling for a while in order to go back to school and I am really lucky to live in this neighborhood that I love. I just miss traveling, I miss exploring, I miss seeing the world. I am hoping that I might be able to take a long trip after I get my masters since I will have 8 months before I start a doctoral program. I don't intend to travel for 8 months and I have NO idea what I am going to do during that time. It is way too long to work 10 paid hours (assuming I get the job) and then just do unpaid research. But I would love to take some long trip during that time period. Maybe I can pull off Croatia (and if I have a stopover in London- a visit to Anna) this summer. I will see if things are more settled over the next few weeks and if I can get a mileage ticket.

Emerging...I think

8 days in a row at the gym. Not so many days of eating well. That will happen, I will get there. It's nice to feel a little sore after a workout again. It's nice to feel my muscles.
I have to read up on eating disorders to make sure that I am totally ready for the interview tomorrow on the project. I know all the stuff on the project but I want to make sure I am on top of current stats.
Hopefully I will also get some work done in the lab tomorrow- more than the combined one hour I put in last week over two days (it wasn't my fault- everyone there wasn't doing anything and there was nothing for me to do). On deck for tomorrow is interview, lab, gym with Sally and east village bingo with Gracie.
I met with PI at Sinai and now it is up to me to start to move the project forward- i have to write up a first version of intro and methods sections and then we will write up results and discussion. After this project is done, we will start writing up the other project. If things are slow in the lab tomorrow, I will get started on that.
I spent shabbat at my parents house with stella and new guy (my parents were away). It was a nice and relaxing weekend. I ended up just spending last night reading and exercising. I thought I might get some work done today, but it's Sunday who was I kidding. I went to weight train in the morning, met old lab partners for brunch, hung out with Sarah (yay - she's back!!!) and went for mani/pedis with Stella and then cardio gym session with Sally. I was looking for something to do tonight but I ended up ordering in and watching TV and now I think I would prefer to just go to bed early (on the off chance that Juliet decides she wants to go for a drink). I can hopefully get a good night's sleep and wake up early to prepare for my interview.
I have to write a list of my goals to carry around with me and guide me. (Therapy assignment)- I really should get that done tonight.
I am going to e-mail the woman at the paid research position to ask her if she needs references as she never asked for any and I expect to hear from her this week (that is when the research coordinator told me I would be hearing). I have to just wait to hear back from the Dean's office. At this point I am not sure there is anything else I can do.
I really need to start figuring out what fits and what I can wear this weekend. I have to focus on spending time with my family, Lilah and River and not on wardrobe/weight issues and feeling old as my 19 year old cousin gets married (my contact at the other grad school will be there and we are going to start a book club).

Doing OK

I have been exercisng. I got some stuff done in the lab yesterday. I have been making some slow progress on the ED project (although I will be interviewed next week about it for an article in a local paper) and I have been getting a little better quality sleep. I had dinner with Joan and Bobby last night which is always tons of fun. I have to get ready for long postponed sinai meeting. hopefully next week i will be able to make appt with the dean and will hear back (good news) on paid research position. Next week we are supposed to be hunkering down in the lab and really getting started so hopefully i will end up with my publications by the end of the summer. So then when I apply to school I will have MA (with tough classes and good GPA- i will have to make sure not to lose focus at the end of next semester), actual rape crisis experience, footage for my movie and a few publications- that should make for a successful application. (combined with great recommendations and stellar GRE scores).

First Law of Motion

Inertia- there is a reason that it is the first law of motion and that people generally consider Newton to have been a genius (although you never hear someone say "he's no Newton"). Yesterday's lethargy and the serious sleep issues I had last night resulted in a completely unproductive (read: spent in bed) morning. I only got moving at one pm after sleeping through 630 am swim and rescheduling a meeting for my movie. I was REALLY tempted to skip exercising and blow off donating platelets- but I had made date with Erin so I got my butt in gear. I worked out and donated platelets (Erin's iron was too low). I felt good that I had done it and it was relatively painless so I made an appt to go back next week. Once I shifted into motion mode, I was back in gear. Went to therapy, called Sam on the way there, spoke to Juliet (attempted to make movie date) on the way back and had dinner with two of the survivor speakers for the eating disorder project. I returned phone calls, made a couple of plans- once I am in motion, I stay in motion. I have to be better about getting myself in motion when I am at rest. I just have to overcome that initial hurdle and I have to resist the urge to regress. Putting thing off until tomorrow often means that I put it off for much longer and it is no way to progress.
To be fair, i do legitimately have a cough and sore throat - but it shouldn't have been debilitating.
I am trying not to dread 19 year old cousin's wedding. I think I wouldnt' be dreading it if I didnt' feel fat and thought I had clothes to wear. I am concerned that my gown won't fit and I need other clothes for the weekend. I could probably drop soem weight fast (lord knows I've done it before) but I am really trying to avoid crash diets and quick fixes. I want to create a solution that I can maintain. I need to do it differently this time.
I am going to try to go to bed early again tonight - I have a lot on deck for tomorrow (meeting, lab, nutritionist, trainer, dinner/drinks with Joan, maybe karaoke and drinks after) and I would like to get it all done.
My therapy homework assignment- write a list of good things I have done in the last 5 years. I dont want to get started on it tomorrow (although I can't do it all now but I will make a good faith effort)- writing my thesis/graduating from college; going back to school- getting all A+s in my undergrad psych classes: "breaking up" with Caleb; starting eating disorder movie project-- to be continued

Eh

exercised today and hung out with Holden but otherwise didnt' get much done. Totally ate more than I should have- clearly triggered by a remark by my dad and totally didnt' get enough done triggered by urge to regress that was stimulated by my mom's nurturing- not blaming anyone but me. It is way past time that I broke these patterns that aren't serving me well. Going to bed now to hopefully wake up early to swim, have a productive day and start taking more control of my life.

Kind of tired of myself

I am feeling 30 and adrift and lonely and bunches of other ugly words that I hate. And feeling tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like this and just feeling kinda tired of myself. I cried to Sophie today and Meg and Joan and Elle. Seriously enough! I am also really wondering what is wrong with me and I am concerned that part of the issue is laziness or some other real obstacle to growth. Why am I still in this place? Meg and Joan were trying to tell me that I have to work on this stuff and I really just felt like I couldn't be bothered. Like I didn't want to fix it or hear suggestions. I just wanted to pity myself. I didn't want to hear Meg's suggestions - not because they were bad but because part of me doesn't want to try something else. Maybe part of me isnt' really ready to be anything other than what I am right now- regardless of how miserable I feel right now. Maybe I am enjoying crying in my car and wallowing in my drama. I don't know. Maybe it has just been a bad couple of weeks with lots of disappointments- but I can't escape the fact that some of these disappointments may have been avoided if I had worked harder or done things differently.
As I was swimming tonight I was thinking that I can't control dating and school but I can control my diet and exercise- hello eating disorder! I am thinking that what I will do this summer is get thin again.Earlier in the day I was telling Sophie that I want to focus on my fitness, strength and health and not worry about sizes or numbers on a scale because that has always ended up being problematic for me. I was telling her how when I got thin before her wedding, I was exercising every day if not twice a say and that isn't a sustainable model. And then I am in the pool (which I like to think clears my head) and I am thinking about the diets that can help me drop weight the fastest (not the lemonade diet- although I can't pretend that I haven't been tempted). And I am thinking about daily and twice daily exercise regimens for the summer so that I can go to event in Sept and look good. Good news is that I reined myself in and refocused (at least mostly) on my health and fitness.
Enough of this
OK time to focus on things that went well today- I checked in at the lab and we are moving forward on Thursday. I swam even though I just wanted to go home and watch TV. I went to lab even though Sally cancelled on me this morning and then once I slept in I was tempted to call in and not go until Meredith would be in lab even though I said I would be there today. I connected with Meg. I made healthy eating choices- not all dietic but healthy and I ate a reasonable amount and drank a lot of water. I made dinner plans with Joan for Thursday. I had a second interview for paid research position and it went well. I am going to try to go to sleep at a reasonable time. I have still not watched non-gym TV. I am blogging. I played with Jamie and Adam (although did I help Sophie with the kids just to keep myself busy? If i did is that a bad thing? ). I didn't call ex-FWB who i know wants to see me again even though I was in his 'hood. I called Dean of doctorate program in attempt to set up meeting.

I think I should take a dating hiatus while I get myself together- do I also have to continue my hooking up hiatus? (although I did have one slip- the play was OK but it was nice to hear how hot, sexy and skilled I am). I deleted his number from my phone (does that count as another "plus" for me today?)

Lullaby blogging

Must get to sleep- of course now that I am home I am not tired anymore. Meeting Sally at the gym at 8 am. I went with her this morning which was part of the reason that I was late for my date with Simon. Other reasons include staying out until after 5 last night. At least it was a good night. I went to sketchfest with Harry, Sally and Elle. We then went to see Ocean's 13 and then Elle and I went to a bar/club for a drink and then went to new guy that I met in Baltimore's apt (we'll call him Otto) and had some wine, watched TV, hung out and smoked a little pot.
I am going into the lab tomorrow and have a meeting at Sinai and then hope to be hanging out with Lia (who will always tell me I am perfect if I feel rejected or if she thinks I am focusing on a guy who isn't worth it- and how many of them are worth it? Much fewer than the number to whom I have ceded that power).
Ok i guess bottom line on Simon was that I had a nice time (we went to a Yankee game) and while there wasn't amazing chemistry (and that guy is about as close to 5'6 as I am) we had a nice time and I would go out with him again but I dont think I am going to hear from him which immediately imbued him with some measure of importance. He is not worth obsessing over or worrying about. What is worth worrying about is why I stayed out until 5 am when I knew I had a date the next afternoon and I wanted to go to the gym in the morning?
If not losing weight is holding me back from meeting someone and I claim I want to meet someone- why aren't I working on losing weight?

I'm surrounded by people and feel so alone

I'm sitting here with Meg, Will, Holden and Erin. And I know they love me and I love them so much but I feel so lonely and empty. I had a really great weekend which sadly ended with rejection. I wonder if it really was a really great weekend. It sounds like a great weekend and I definitely had a lot of good moments but I wonder about it.
I feel like there really is something wrong with me- I dont know. I am not behaving like someone who wants to get married and I guess I am not ready to get married but WHAT DO I WANT?
Am I keeping myself fat as some sort of buffer? Or now do I do other things (like running late today) so that I can feel like I got rejected for something other than being fat?
I'm trying to remember that Simon doesn't matter.
Ok I am all over the place- probably because my siblings are around. And they are all talking about dating. Holden has a date tomorrow night and Erin and Will are setting up two of their friends. Its funny because they date in this totally different world.

What is wrong with me?

Twice in the past 2 days I have heard that a couple broke up or is getting divorced and thought "hmm available guy, I wonder if he is for me?". These are not even men I know who I was interested in when they were single- not that it would make it any better!
Good news- third day of no non-gym TV, second day of exercise- went to gym with Sally. I have decided not to dwell on how I am in such poor shape and I used to be so much more fit. I am celebrating getting back to the gym and I know if I want to and work at it, I can be just as fit as I was before. I made a gym date with Sally for next week.
Turns out that I won't be able to start doctoral program in the fall as they are full but the dean does want to meet with me to discuss my options and plans. I tried the office and got a machine, left a message indicating that if I didnt' hear back from them I would try again in a couple of days. My contact at the school told me that they really want to meet with me and that he likes me and my moxie. That made me smile. I have figured out my plans, pretty much, for the fall but I will meet with the dean and he may have some suggestions as well. I have to REALLY research the program before I meet with him. I am not sure if I should have turned down full time research position- I am not sure I want to stay here for school and now I can't even take all the doctoral courses I need anyway. I didnt' need to turn them down to start another doctoral program. I am not sure how many classes will transfer to other schools and I could have finished masters by taking a class over the summer and one night class each semester. Does it really benefit me to finish masters in the fall? will classes transfer? Do I want to stay?

Neurochem prof emailed me back- my paper was late and she deducted more points than she had indicated that she would, although she claims it was less than she was supposed to- there must have been a misunderstanding at some point and I didn't cite sources even though I provided references so I ended up with a 68 on the paper. I can't believe I forgot to cite, I never have before- I guess I shouldn't have written it off of my presentation. I was lazy about it- totally my fault. She did offer me the chance to rewrite it for 5 points. I am not sure if that will get me the A- though. Silly thing is I should have done it right and on time the first time. I got a 92.5 on the final and had 96 on midterm and A and A+ on presentations. I should have gotten an A in this class. I did all of the work in everything else. Why did I slack on this? Email kind of killed my previously relatively unaxious mood.

I spent the time in between gym and now (I must jump in shower before Juliet gets here in 20 minutes) setting up appointments for next week for part-time research position, for lab at school, for movie and for hanging out with friends. I suppose it was a good use of time. I was going to read articles for lab that I had printed out weeks ago but I suppose I can do that tomorrow. Besides gym and VA tomorrow, I should get some reading done, research grad school and organize my room.

Past 24 hours or so and the 24 or so emotions that were associated with them- nothing like emotional lability

So yesterday I was finally feeling better about my grades. Basically just started not to care- it may have been the bottle of wine I shared with Kristen. Or that we did it at a local place that I love and that I am happy is near my apt. And then I find out that if I stay in school here next semester I can't take two of the classes that I want to take because the remaining seats are reserved for doctoral students. A similar thing happened last semester and they let me take the classes anyway. It hurt, it felt like they no longer believed in me. I then went to Meg and Wil's for dinner. I had a really nice time, I love them and feel accepted by them and it is important to me to be close with them. However it is hard too- they are part of my family but they are their own fmaily too and I am alone. I went to sleep at my parents and was talking to Erin about the fact that she and Holden may start med school the same year and they are also both starting to date. I felt kind of old and behind. Erin is 11 and a half years younger than me and may end up graduating med school a year after I get my doctorate, if not at the same time. Geez!
And then I was checking facebook before I went to bed and saw that a girl in my lab who is in Australia for the semester (and she went to study in prague last summer- how much do I wish that my undergraduate experience was like that? that I was that kind of person in undergrad? so much that I can almost feel it physically. Not that I can do anything about it and wallowing in regret is certainly not productive, but I can mourn what might have been and celebrate the fact that I am closer (not quite there but closer) to being that kind of person now)-- Anyway this girl set her status to ...."is wondering if there is a cloud ten, cuz if there is, she is there." and her picture is an amazing shot of her, with her eyes looking down and this guy's face against her hair. She looked so happy and I was so jealous. I went to bed thinking that I am not sure I have ever thought that I was on cloud ten.
I woke up early this morning to swim (woke up is kind of a misnomer as I actually never really went to sleep, I was in bed but I am not sure you could call that sleeping). Usually 630 swim sets my day on a good course. This morning, it just didnt seem to work. I did some elliptical and stretching afterwards and when I went to the shower I looked at myself and I realized I was FAT- not just a few extra pounds, FAT. As fat as I have ever been- maybe fatter. This is not how I want to look. This is not how I want to represent myself. As I was swimming I was thinking about how much of my life has been adversely affected by my tendency to procrastinate. I keep starting diets tomorrow and then I wont date until I lose weight and then I turn around and I am 30 and single and playing the same games with myself. As Sam would say "SHAME". So I think it is time, AGAIN, to diet- but of course I am tempted to use lemonade diet to prepare for my cousin's wedding at the end of the month and I am thinking about all of the quick weight loss diet plans I have tried over the years. If at any of those times, I had just made a commitment to a long term solution and been patient and not needed immediate results, I might be in better shape now. Yesterday I was out almost out of breath from carrying a lamp out to the trash. Last week, I got shin splints walking on the beach with Juliet and I didn't make it very far. I hate that I let myself get here. I miss feeling fit. I sort of have hope because I know that I have been this out of shape in the past and worked hard to get myself fit, I know I can do it, I can channel the person that my old trainer told Joan was the hardest working client he had. EVen as I sit here and I type I feel my fat rolls in my thighs and stomach. Lilah and T2GT tell me I am not lazy, how did I get here? Why did I let myself get here? Is it a buffer I use? Do I just like food? Do I use it to quell anxiety or fill an emptiness? Do I let myself get fat as I deliberately ignore my body and cut off any awareness of it? What the hell am I doing to myself? I am compromising my health - why? I am sitting here typing as tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I am so angry at myself that I did this to myself. It is so unhealthy and self sabotaging. Why the hell do I do it? Why don't I take care of myself? DId I just get out of the habit? It really feels like laziness to me. And like a complete lack of discipline and an excess of self-indulgence. I think I always had this idea that once I was happy and had it together the weight stuff would figure itself out. Once I was confident I wouldnt need it to protect me, I wouldnt' need something to blame if people rejected me, because they wouldnt' reject me or if they would, I wouldn't care. When i went back to school and dropped Caleb, I felt confident and in control and I was thin and fit. (this is when T1GT graduated me to T2GT) But I couldnt maintain it. I thought once I was really ready to date and get married then the weight thing would somehow equilibrate. And there have been times when I did think I was ready- maybe I wasn't. Lord knows, while I might think I want to now, it seems unlikely that I am actually ready. Is my appetite positively correlated with my stress level, my feelings of emptiness, unacknowledged loneliness, thinly veiled insecurity? Is this my life? It would seem so and it is clearly unlikely to change unless I change it and I am not sure how to do that, so maybe I know on some level but would prefer to profess ignorance so that I can lament my fate rather than take positive action, overcome internia and laziness and working fucking hard to fix it.

It is amazing how I ended up driving home tonight singing along to the CD Lilah sent me (I totally love Dover). I ended up feeling good at the end of the day. I made plans to go to sketch fest on Sat night with Elle and now I am despondent as I type this. Perhaps if I finish chronicling and dissecting my day I will get back there- if I dont fall asleep first- although I am on call and thus far my rape deterence power is as strong as ever. Part of me really doesn't want to get called in, I am tired and would love to just get some sleep and it would be nice if no one needed a rape advocate tonight. I make a contribution just by being available and trained and i can appreciate that. But part of me wants to have this powerful experience that I trained for and it would probably be beneficial to have an experience that took me out of myself. Also I did start the training to accumulate some crisis intervention experience and start geting more real clinical experiences. Although that doesnt seem like enough of a reason for someone to have to suffer tonight. I told them that I would be on call once a week in the summer so maybe I will get called in once this summer. I also think I want to facilitate the next training in the fall.

After showering, I went to drugstore to stock up on grooming products (like blow dryer and brush that new haircut deems neccesary). I stood in front of the diet aids for quite some time and I finally selected one (really for no reason, i guess it sounded effective or something). When I got home, I found that the box was empty- there wasnt' a bottle in it. I prepared the box and the receipt to return them and get a replacement and then I decided to take it as some kind of sign that I wasn't supposed to be taking a short cut or taking unregulated "dietary supplements"

I met a friend of mine for brunch. We have been friends since first grade. After we ate she took me to see her new house. This is her second home. She has a pool and a beautiful four bedroom home and 4 really adorable kids and a great husband. I have never really envied her before as her life is so suburban and domestic and it isn't what I want. But today I almost felt it like a physical blow- this jealousy, this sense of being SO behind and unable to catch up. I don't pay rent on my tiny apt and she owns a center hall colonial with a large pool.

OK i have to get to bed- rest of day...felt like crap while driving into city, Lilah was in class, Lois didnt' answer- neither did Joan or Elle and Sarah is in Italy- I was really feeling like I had no one to talk to about this- I ended up calling Alison in Israel as I realized I hadn't spoken to her in a long time, but this was not something I was going to discuss with her. Elle called me back- yay. Went to therapy- it wasn't fun, there were many tears and a lot of recognition of how much work I have to do and how far away I am. (at least on my end). Three things to worry about/work on/focus on- career, men and weight and also confidence/comptence which fluctuates- hasnt' been doing all that well lately- but we did acknowledge that I have been hammered a bit recently so it is understandable- but I dont think I the victim here, as much as it might make feel better to think so- a lot of these problems are of my creation- I didn't revise my personal statement enough for my application this year and then didn't prepare enough for the interview, I procrastinated too much this semester and didnt' get the grades I wanted. I didnt' get away with these things but I probably shouldnt have.
Anyway I came out of therapy to see that my car was towed because I didnt read the signs carefully enough. I needed my SAVI portfolio from my car but remembered that I didnt have my license. I had to go to Lia's to print forms in case I got called in, I had to track down my license (I ended up getting it from Charlie) and I tried to find alternative classes (but I didnt really like any of my choices) to take next semester before fundraiser event planning meeting. Went to meeting, ate a couple of things I shouldnt' have, partcipated in meeting while constantly checking phone to make sure I was getting reception and then redeemed my car and drove home. But somehow in there I ended up feeling better. I dont know if it was the meeting even though I wasn't particulary helpful and I didn't know that many of the people there. I figured out which classes I would take, I made friendly conversation with all of the impound employees and I just felt like singing along to the radio. And I came home feeling better about my life- I spoke to Jesse about arranging July 4th roadtrip, bought tickets for sketch comedy festival with elle on sat night, made date with simon to go to yankee game, made plans to meet SAVI chicks at karaoke tomorrow night after air guitar competition with juliet- just started getting in touch with the things I get to do since I am single and living in the city. And not in a way that just feels like I am keeping myself busy, which it kind of felt like earlier this week.
It was interesting, I asked the guy who drove me back to my car at the lot if he meets a lot of angry people. No one is happy to be there - and he said most people are pleasant because we are all adults here and you only get here if you park somewhere that you shouldn't have parked. People realize it is their fault so they aren't upset, well at least not at him-- good take home message!

Tomorrow I have second interview for paid part time research position, have gym date with sally ( I am going to take gym reinitiation slowly) and I want to try to restart version of DVG diet because when I did that I felt healthier, had more energy, was thinner, felt more emotionally stable and had better skin (all of this took about 6 weeks to start working) and while I couldnt eat everything, I was able to eat A LOT of food, some days it was hard to eat everything I was supposed to eat. I also want to continue reading up on stuff associated with my research. I think I am going to register for the other classes and then go to sleep with my phone next to my ear.

I miss my As

I heard back from my Research Methods prof- apparently I got an A- on the paper but a C on the final. I knew that I didnt' know a lot of stuff on the final but I felt that way about the midterm and then I got an A. But I guess I guessed better on that exam. I wasn't the only one who walked out feeling like she only knew half the questions and guessed on the other half but it seems like the other girls guessed better than I did as the people I checked with got an A and A-. We met up before the exam and I thought I was as prepared as they were but apparently not. I suppose I have been getting lucky with guessing and questions being dropped etc. but my luck ran out. So with a C on the final a B+ is a fair grade. I can't say I am thrillled but I shoudl have paid more attention in class and not relied on undergrad knowledge getting me through as it had on the midterm.
In general I am not thrilled with my semester grades but honestly have no one to blame but myself. I was thinking about taking summer school class in an attempt to recommit to scholastics and get an A, rather than wait until the fall to work hard again adn acculmulate more As but it is not a good enough reason to take a class. I am interested in the grad classes being given at City College however I dont think they will transfer to doctoral program as they are masters level courses and I only have 3 masters courses left and I am taking them in the fall (and I am taking doctoral level courses at that time).
I ended up falling asleep when reading about treating Borderlines today and I am meeting school friend soon and then heading to Will and Meg's for dinner. Not a wonderfully productive day but an OK day. I spoke to Sally and made a gym date for Thursday (she is going to pick me up at my apt so I WILL get there) and made swim date with Aunt Karen for tomorrow am at 630. Made plans to go to get pedicures with Lia tomorrow after therapy and told an old friend I would meet her in the morning tomorrow. Tomorrow night I have a meeting and I am on call. Trying to make good use of my time. I deliberately did not turn on TV today.
I think part of my problem with applying to school and doing not as well this semester is that I didnt' really work hard- and I could say that I didnt' work hard because on some level I didn't want it or just say I was lazy but I think I just didnt' work hard because on some level I didnt think I really had to. In some way I trusted being smart and thought that would get me through as long as I mostly showed up- it has worked before but this is "the show" and it doesnt work that way anymore- maybe everyone has to make more of an effort at this point and maybe I'm smart but not that smart. I know that some people work hard and get Bs and I did some work but I really dont think I did enough work. Am I saying that to maintain some self perception- I would rather be smart and kind of lazy than mildly smart and diligent? Maybe but I know that I watched way more TV than I should have this semester. I could blame it on getting sick in the beginning of the semester but with the exception of one class I did fine on midterms, I fucked on finals. For my research final and paper that was due on monday, I showed up to Jamies to study after 6 on Sunday (and hadn't done anything before I showed up). I barely wrote my neurochem paper, I assumed since my slapdash physio and neuroanatomy papers got As, I didn't have to exert any effort for neurochem. I had started my presentation at midnight the night before it was due and got an A and A+ on the two portions of the presentation. So I just took my presentation slides (on the same topic) and added some connecting sentences the ngiht before it was due.
I really am tempted to take summer school to get myself back in the study mode- when I am in the zone I am really good at it but honestly I haven't been getting myself into the zone in a while.
why havent' I been making an effort? Laziness? did i lack focus in terms of what I was working for? did i not think that I had to? Did I think I was smart and didnt' want to work?
I do think that being diligent and hard working will take me further and I want to be that person but I haven't been making an effort to be that person. The person who focuses and works hard and pursues her goals. I haven't been making much of an effort with research or my film or applications or school. I have been getting by and usually that is enough but I dont want that to be enough anymore. I dont want to waste this much time online or in front of the TV. This is not the life I want. I have been saying that I am a procrastinator and it is OK because I get things done and this is just the way I do things and while I appreciate that I haven't been beating myself up, and that is a good thing and moving away from self criticism and crazy expectations and embracing myself is a good thing-- it's time to grow up and out of this complacency with procrastination. I have wasted a monumental amount of time this year procrastinating and life is WAY too short for that. It is taking up WAY too much of my time.
So men--- what the hell am i doing? I have to wonder what I really want when I think about who I have been attracted to in the past year. I was thinking about Myron today- so it is not just about wanting someone who doesnt' want me- that is an old pathology but I liked his sort of "bad boy"-ness. His damage, his play hard attitude even when injured which smacks of a certain kind of immaturity. I liked his passion for rugby and I wasn't put off by kissing him after he smoked- this is not a man to marry. There is nothing about this man that shouts contender or good husband material.
Am I looking for a husband? Am I looking for a contender?
I know that stable guys make better husbands but I havent' really been looking for one. I know the things that make for a good marriage (at least in theory) and I have been making no attempt to really connect with men with those qualities. I'm not sure how to find a balance between boring and stable. Do I want someone who is some kind of trophy of amazingness or just someone who treats me like I am amazing. There has to be some kind of way to strike a balance but I havent' figured it out. Not nearly.
I have no idea what letter I am up to - maybe S or T. I'll just start with S um...let's say Simon. So I was set up with Simon and really wasn't all that excited about it. He seemed too religious and kind of boring and mainstream. A friend of mine told me that he was a great guy and worth a date so I agreed to meet him. He called while I was studying for finals and let's be honest, I had time to call him back, I wasn't studying that hard, but I didnt'. I texted him that I was in study hibernation and he responded that it was fine, when would it be over and we would connect at that time. I wasn't sure who was supposed to call when I finished finals so I did nothing about it. I finally texted him today that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to contact him after finals.
I think I have been avoiding dating because I have been feeling fat but is that really it? I wasn't dating because I had to figure out what was going on with school but I have mostly figured it out at this point. Not entirely but as best I can for a while. Although whether I have really made the best choice is another conversation (monologue). Even with feeling fat most days I try to dress in cute outfits and have been accesorizing on occasion. What is really going on with me? what am I avoiding? what am I scared of? what do I want?

SHIT!!!!

Grades- B+ in neurochem, B+ in research methods, B+ in Advanced Physiology and A in Psychodiagnostics.
I just emailed my neurochem and research profs to find out how I did on the finals and papers as I did well on the midterms. I guess I did worse on the finals and papers than I thought. I suppose I should have written both papers prior to the night before they were due and worked harder on them and edited them more (or at all). I probably dont deserve better grades- I worked but I didnt really work hard. This is going to be bad for my GPA and I hope it doesnt adversely affect acceptances to grad school. I really need to get some publications this summer and I need to do better in the Fall. I can't believe this-I guess I was just hoping that my mediocre papers would continue to get As because so far it's been happening. I need to start stepping it up when writing papers.
I was feeling good - I had taken myself out to lunch and had a really good salad and was reading articles relating to lab work and Sinai research- now I just feel sick to my stomach.

looking ahead- how far ahead?

long term vs short term goals --- looking for play vs looking for a relationship- I thought that I was looking for both this year that I could do that but as sam said " how is that working out for you? " so if i really want the relationship, I should be focusing on the ways that I can work toward that-- what are they?
I was IMing with former friend with benefits today and I can revive that and part of me is kind of tempted to (but not that tempted as he reallly wasn't all that good) but I know it's just boredom, impatience and maybe some loneliness. I am also tempted to email Arnie and tell him to call me next time he is in America so we can just hook up for a couple of days but I dont know if it is a good idea or if he would be at all amenable to it- among other thigns, it has been a really long time sinceI have seen him and there is no reason to think that he thinks about me at all (it is not like I am thinking about him all the time) and that he would be interested in some NSA play or anything else.
I should also think about patience and if I can work on long term goals like school and delay gratification - i may want to apply those principles to my health. Is school such a long term goal that I dont even know what I want at the end of it. Am I perfectly happy to be in school with no end in sight? Do I feel like I am ready to finish? Do I know what I want to do when I do?
What do I want? And if I know do I know how to get it?
I just sat here with my head in my hands for the past couple of minutes- I dont know what I am doing. I spoke to joan about it today (and Lilah briefly)- what do I really want to be doing? What kind of degree do I need and where do I want it to take me. Saying I dont know, well that isn't really an answer, it is isn't really acceptable and fuck it- i'm too old for that.
The good news is that while I spent a large portion of the day eating and layiing on my couch and watching TV- I got totally bored of it. Hopefully bored enough to get me to something tomorrow before I meet an old lab friend at 6 and have dinner at meg and will's at 830 ( i rescheduled with them rather than drive out there tonight, i was just too lazy). It would be nice to actually do something tomorrow. I tried to schedule platelets donation with Erin but the donor room couldn't accomodate her schedule so we are going tomorrow. I should really get to sleep at a reasonable time (although that ship has sailed) and stop spending so much time surfing the net.
Here's to sweet dreams and productive days. Life is too short to waste this much time- i should remember that. And I should remember that I really do think I want a relationship. I want to have kids someday and I want to be married someday (not in that order) and I can't do nothing about it forever and expect it to work itself out. Although I am not sure what one could do that might be effective.

What I've been up to- sans introspection, that will come later

I went to Dean and Deluca on Friday- I had such a great time discovering all the new gourmet kosher products and shopping for lunch. Great produce, fresh fish - I was just loving walking down the block in Soho, shopping, buying freshly squeezed blood orange juice, walking down my block on a sunny day in my capris and flip flops. Nothing exciting but just feeling good anyway. I cooked for lunch, it was the first time I really cooked in a while (summertime nectar, cheese and crackers, crudite and dips, salmon, angel hair pasta with tomato and basil, summer corn with herbed butter, broccolini and creme brulee ice creams, berries and gourmet chocolate for dessert). After I cooked I went uptown to get a haircut and she cut it really short. I am still getting used to it. I went to uptown liquor store to stock up on wine. I totally missed a flirting oppurtunity- this guy heard me ask for elderflower liquer and smiled because he was buying the same thing. I should have just started talking to him, just for practice. I had an opening and I just let it slip away. When I came home I bought myself lots of flowers for my apt- I just was in the mood to have flowers around, they made me smile.
I skipped minyan and dinner at Harry and Sally's as it was kind of hot and rainy. I was happy to stay in, drink some wine, relax and get to bed early. I had a nice crowd for lunch - Juliet, Scott, Harry and Sally, new guy and a couple of other people. Food went over well and then we headed to Washington Square park for a bit.
Last night I had a party at one of my classmate's apt. It was nice, nothing too exciting but it was good to see everyone. This morning I went to volunteer at an event in the park for developmentally delayed adults. As usual, I didn't really interact with the consumers. I am really not comfortable with people with disabilities. I'm not proud of it, I guess I can work on it but I don't know if I have to, I have other ways that I can contribute to society (or so I tell myself). I watched a movie this afternoon with Elle (freedom writers- I was tearing up through a lot of it. I think that since I stopped medication, I find that I cry a lot more easily (not in response to my own life, but in response to books, movies etc). i guess my emotions are a lot closer to the surface. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It is probably just a neutral thing. It just is.
Heading out shortly to meet girls that I worked with last year in social psych lab. Going for margaritas in my 'hood.
I need to spend some time thinking and writing about what I want, about how to move forward. I could have done that this afternoon - but I didn't, maybe i'm avoiding it, maybe I will actually do it when I get back tonight. I should do it, I should go to the gym this week and use this week off to relax and get together with friends, start getting back in shape and get organized.

it's all good

day at beach, took a bath, sushi for dinner, drinks with juliet- no complaints. I have been trying to think about what I really want- in relationship, regarding my career, type of guy etc. Haven't made that much progress thus far- may have been all the wind in my ears at the beach- maybe tomorrow.