I miss my As
I heard back from my Research Methods prof- apparently I got an A- on the paper but a C on the final. I knew that I didnt' know a lot of stuff on the final but I felt that way about the midterm and then I got an A. But I guess I guessed better on that exam. I wasn't the only one who walked out feeling like she only knew half the questions and guessed on the other half but it seems like the other girls guessed better than I did as the people I checked with got an A and A-. We met up before the exam and I thought I was as prepared as they were but apparently not. I suppose I have been getting lucky with guessing and questions being dropped etc. but my luck ran out. So with a C on the final a B+ is a fair grade. I can't say I am thrillled but I shoudl have paid more attention in class and not relied on undergrad knowledge getting me through as it had on the midterm.
In general I am not thrilled with my semester grades but honestly have no one to blame but myself. I was thinking about taking summer school class in an attempt to recommit to scholastics and get an A, rather than wait until the fall to work hard again adn acculmulate more As but it is not a good enough reason to take a class. I am interested in the grad classes being given at City College however I dont think they will transfer to doctoral program as they are masters level courses and I only have 3 masters courses left and I am taking them in the fall (and I am taking doctoral level courses at that time).
I ended up falling asleep when reading about treating Borderlines today and I am meeting school friend soon and then heading to Will and Meg's for dinner. Not a wonderfully productive day but an OK day. I spoke to Sally and made a gym date for Thursday (she is going to pick me up at my apt so I WILL get there) and made swim date with Aunt Karen for tomorrow am at 630. Made plans to go to get pedicures with Lia tomorrow after therapy and told an old friend I would meet her in the morning tomorrow. Tomorrow night I have a meeting and I am on call. Trying to make good use of my time. I deliberately did not turn on TV today.
I think part of my problem with applying to school and doing not as well this semester is that I didnt' really work hard- and I could say that I didnt' work hard because on some level I didn't want it or just say I was lazy but I think I just didnt' work hard because on some level I didnt think I really had to. In some way I trusted being smart and thought that would get me through as long as I mostly showed up- it has worked before but this is "the show" and it doesnt work that way anymore- maybe everyone has to make more of an effort at this point and maybe I'm smart but not that smart. I know that some people work hard and get Bs and I did some work but I really dont think I did enough work. Am I saying that to maintain some self perception- I would rather be smart and kind of lazy than mildly smart and diligent? Maybe but I know that I watched way more TV than I should have this semester. I could blame it on getting sick in the beginning of the semester but with the exception of one class I did fine on midterms, I fucked on finals. For my research final and paper that was due on monday, I showed up to Jamies to study after 6 on Sunday (and hadn't done anything before I showed up). I barely wrote my neurochem paper, I assumed since my slapdash physio and neuroanatomy papers got As, I didn't have to exert any effort for neurochem. I had started my presentation at midnight the night before it was due and got an A and A+ on the two portions of the presentation. So I just took my presentation slides (on the same topic) and added some connecting sentences the ngiht before it was due.
I really am tempted to take summer school to get myself back in the study mode- when I am in the zone I am really good at it but honestly I haven't been getting myself into the zone in a while.
why havent' I been making an effort? Laziness? did i lack focus in terms of what I was working for? did i not think that I had to? Did I think I was smart and didnt' want to work?
I do think that being diligent and hard working will take me further and I want to be that person but I haven't been making an effort to be that person. The person who focuses and works hard and pursues her goals. I haven't been making much of an effort with research or my film or applications or school. I have been getting by and usually that is enough but I dont want that to be enough anymore. I dont want to waste this much time online or in front of the TV. This is not the life I want. I have been saying that I am a procrastinator and it is OK because I get things done and this is just the way I do things and while I appreciate that I haven't been beating myself up, and that is a good thing and moving away from self criticism and crazy expectations and embracing myself is a good thing-- it's time to grow up and out of this complacency with procrastination. I have wasted a monumental amount of time this year procrastinating and life is WAY too short for that. It is taking up WAY too much of my time.
So men--- what the hell am i doing? I have to wonder what I really want when I think about who I have been attracted to in the past year. I was thinking about Myron today- so it is not just about wanting someone who doesnt' want me- that is an old pathology but I liked his sort of "bad boy"-ness. His damage, his play hard attitude even when injured which smacks of a certain kind of immaturity. I liked his passion for rugby and I wasn't put off by kissing him after he smoked- this is not a man to marry. There is nothing about this man that shouts contender or good husband material.
Am I looking for a husband? Am I looking for a contender?
I know that stable guys make better husbands but I havent' really been looking for one. I know the things that make for a good marriage (at least in theory) and I have been making no attempt to really connect with men with those qualities. I'm not sure how to find a balance between boring and stable. Do I want someone who is some kind of trophy of amazingness or just someone who treats me like I am amazing. There has to be some kind of way to strike a balance but I havent' figured it out. Not nearly.
I have no idea what letter I am up to - maybe S or T. I'll just start with S um...let's say Simon. So I was set up with Simon and really wasn't all that excited about it. He seemed too religious and kind of boring and mainstream. A friend of mine told me that he was a great guy and worth a date so I agreed to meet him. He called while I was studying for finals and let's be honest, I had time to call him back, I wasn't studying that hard, but I didnt'. I texted him that I was in study hibernation and he responded that it was fine, when would it be over and we would connect at that time. I wasn't sure who was supposed to call when I finished finals so I did nothing about it. I finally texted him today that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to contact him after finals.
I think I have been avoiding dating because I have been feeling fat but is that really it? I wasn't dating because I had to figure out what was going on with school but I have mostly figured it out at this point. Not entirely but as best I can for a while. Although whether I have really made the best choice is another conversation (monologue). Even with feeling fat most days I try to dress in cute outfits and have been accesorizing on occasion. What is really going on with me? what am I avoiding? what am I scared of? what do I want?
In general I am not thrilled with my semester grades but honestly have no one to blame but myself. I was thinking about taking summer school class in an attempt to recommit to scholastics and get an A, rather than wait until the fall to work hard again adn acculmulate more As but it is not a good enough reason to take a class. I am interested in the grad classes being given at City College however I dont think they will transfer to doctoral program as they are masters level courses and I only have 3 masters courses left and I am taking them in the fall (and I am taking doctoral level courses at that time).
I ended up falling asleep when reading about treating Borderlines today and I am meeting school friend soon and then heading to Will and Meg's for dinner. Not a wonderfully productive day but an OK day. I spoke to Sally and made a gym date for Thursday (she is going to pick me up at my apt so I WILL get there) and made swim date with Aunt Karen for tomorrow am at 630. Made plans to go to get pedicures with Lia tomorrow after therapy and told an old friend I would meet her in the morning tomorrow. Tomorrow night I have a meeting and I am on call. Trying to make good use of my time. I deliberately did not turn on TV today.
I think part of my problem with applying to school and doing not as well this semester is that I didnt' really work hard- and I could say that I didnt' work hard because on some level I didn't want it or just say I was lazy but I think I just didnt' work hard because on some level I didnt think I really had to. In some way I trusted being smart and thought that would get me through as long as I mostly showed up- it has worked before but this is "the show" and it doesnt work that way anymore- maybe everyone has to make more of an effort at this point and maybe I'm smart but not that smart. I know that some people work hard and get Bs and I did some work but I really dont think I did enough work. Am I saying that to maintain some self perception- I would rather be smart and kind of lazy than mildly smart and diligent? Maybe but I know that I watched way more TV than I should have this semester. I could blame it on getting sick in the beginning of the semester but with the exception of one class I did fine on midterms, I fucked on finals. For my research final and paper that was due on monday, I showed up to Jamies to study after 6 on Sunday (and hadn't done anything before I showed up). I barely wrote my neurochem paper, I assumed since my slapdash physio and neuroanatomy papers got As, I didn't have to exert any effort for neurochem. I had started my presentation at midnight the night before it was due and got an A and A+ on the two portions of the presentation. So I just took my presentation slides (on the same topic) and added some connecting sentences the ngiht before it was due.
I really am tempted to take summer school to get myself back in the study mode- when I am in the zone I am really good at it but honestly I haven't been getting myself into the zone in a while.
why havent' I been making an effort? Laziness? did i lack focus in terms of what I was working for? did i not think that I had to? Did I think I was smart and didnt' want to work?
I do think that being diligent and hard working will take me further and I want to be that person but I haven't been making an effort to be that person. The person who focuses and works hard and pursues her goals. I haven't been making much of an effort with research or my film or applications or school. I have been getting by and usually that is enough but I dont want that to be enough anymore. I dont want to waste this much time online or in front of the TV. This is not the life I want. I have been saying that I am a procrastinator and it is OK because I get things done and this is just the way I do things and while I appreciate that I haven't been beating myself up, and that is a good thing and moving away from self criticism and crazy expectations and embracing myself is a good thing-- it's time to grow up and out of this complacency with procrastination. I have wasted a monumental amount of time this year procrastinating and life is WAY too short for that. It is taking up WAY too much of my time.
So men--- what the hell am i doing? I have to wonder what I really want when I think about who I have been attracted to in the past year. I was thinking about Myron today- so it is not just about wanting someone who doesnt' want me- that is an old pathology but I liked his sort of "bad boy"-ness. His damage, his play hard attitude even when injured which smacks of a certain kind of immaturity. I liked his passion for rugby and I wasn't put off by kissing him after he smoked- this is not a man to marry. There is nothing about this man that shouts contender or good husband material.
Am I looking for a husband? Am I looking for a contender?
I know that stable guys make better husbands but I havent' really been looking for one. I know the things that make for a good marriage (at least in theory) and I have been making no attempt to really connect with men with those qualities. I'm not sure how to find a balance between boring and stable. Do I want someone who is some kind of trophy of amazingness or just someone who treats me like I am amazing. There has to be some kind of way to strike a balance but I havent' figured it out. Not nearly.
I have no idea what letter I am up to - maybe S or T. I'll just start with S um...let's say Simon. So I was set up with Simon and really wasn't all that excited about it. He seemed too religious and kind of boring and mainstream. A friend of mine told me that he was a great guy and worth a date so I agreed to meet him. He called while I was studying for finals and let's be honest, I had time to call him back, I wasn't studying that hard, but I didnt'. I texted him that I was in study hibernation and he responded that it was fine, when would it be over and we would connect at that time. I wasn't sure who was supposed to call when I finished finals so I did nothing about it. I finally texted him today that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to contact him after finals.
I think I have been avoiding dating because I have been feeling fat but is that really it? I wasn't dating because I had to figure out what was going on with school but I have mostly figured it out at this point. Not entirely but as best I can for a while. Although whether I have really made the best choice is another conversation (monologue). Even with feeling fat most days I try to dress in cute outfits and have been accesorizing on occasion. What is really going on with me? what am I avoiding? what am I scared of? what do I want?
posted by Zoe at 5:10 PM
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