Kind of tired of myself

I am feeling 30 and adrift and lonely and bunches of other ugly words that I hate. And feeling tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like this and just feeling kinda tired of myself. I cried to Sophie today and Meg and Joan and Elle. Seriously enough! I am also really wondering what is wrong with me and I am concerned that part of the issue is laziness or some other real obstacle to growth. Why am I still in this place? Meg and Joan were trying to tell me that I have to work on this stuff and I really just felt like I couldn't be bothered. Like I didn't want to fix it or hear suggestions. I just wanted to pity myself. I didn't want to hear Meg's suggestions - not because they were bad but because part of me doesn't want to try something else. Maybe part of me isnt' really ready to be anything other than what I am right now- regardless of how miserable I feel right now. Maybe I am enjoying crying in my car and wallowing in my drama. I don't know. Maybe it has just been a bad couple of weeks with lots of disappointments- but I can't escape the fact that some of these disappointments may have been avoided if I had worked harder or done things differently.
As I was swimming tonight I was thinking that I can't control dating and school but I can control my diet and exercise- hello eating disorder! I am thinking that what I will do this summer is get thin again.Earlier in the day I was telling Sophie that I want to focus on my fitness, strength and health and not worry about sizes or numbers on a scale because that has always ended up being problematic for me. I was telling her how when I got thin before her wedding, I was exercising every day if not twice a say and that isn't a sustainable model. And then I am in the pool (which I like to think clears my head) and I am thinking about the diets that can help me drop weight the fastest (not the lemonade diet- although I can't pretend that I haven't been tempted). And I am thinking about daily and twice daily exercise regimens for the summer so that I can go to event in Sept and look good. Good news is that I reined myself in and refocused (at least mostly) on my health and fitness.
Enough of this
OK time to focus on things that went well today- I checked in at the lab and we are moving forward on Thursday. I swam even though I just wanted to go home and watch TV. I went to lab even though Sally cancelled on me this morning and then once I slept in I was tempted to call in and not go until Meredith would be in lab even though I said I would be there today. I connected with Meg. I made healthy eating choices- not all dietic but healthy and I ate a reasonable amount and drank a lot of water. I made dinner plans with Joan for Thursday. I had a second interview for paid research position and it went well. I am going to try to go to sleep at a reasonable time. I have still not watched non-gym TV. I am blogging. I played with Jamie and Adam (although did I help Sophie with the kids just to keep myself busy? If i did is that a bad thing? ). I didn't call ex-FWB who i know wants to see me again even though I was in his 'hood. I called Dean of doctorate program in attempt to set up meeting.

I think I should take a dating hiatus while I get myself together- do I also have to continue my hooking up hiatus? (although I did have one slip- the play was OK but it was nice to hear how hot, sexy and skilled I am). I deleted his number from my phone (does that count as another "plus" for me today?)