Past 24 hours or so and the 24 or so emotions that were associated with them- nothing like emotional lability
So yesterday I was finally feeling better about my grades. Basically just started not to care- it may have been the bottle of wine I shared with Kristen. Or that we did it at a local place that I love and that I am happy is near my apt. And then I find out that if I stay in school here next semester I can't take two of the classes that I want to take because the remaining seats are reserved for doctoral students. A similar thing happened last semester and they let me take the classes anyway. It hurt, it felt like they no longer believed in me. I then went to Meg and Wil's for dinner. I had a really nice time, I love them and feel accepted by them and it is important to me to be close with them. However it is hard too- they are part of my family but they are their own fmaily too and I am alone. I went to sleep at my parents and was talking to Erin about the fact that she and Holden may start med school the same year and they are also both starting to date. I felt kind of old and behind. Erin is 11 and a half years younger than me and may end up graduating med school a year after I get my doctorate, if not at the same time. Geez!
And then I was checking facebook before I went to bed and saw that a girl in my lab who is in Australia for the semester (and she went to study in prague last summer- how much do I wish that my undergraduate experience was like that? that I was that kind of person in undergrad? so much that I can almost feel it physically. Not that I can do anything about it and wallowing in regret is certainly not productive, but I can mourn what might have been and celebrate the fact that I am closer (not quite there but closer) to being that kind of person now)-- Anyway this girl set her status to ...."is wondering if there is a cloud ten, cuz if there is, she is there." and her picture is an amazing shot of her, with her eyes looking down and this guy's face against her hair. She looked so happy and I was so jealous. I went to bed thinking that I am not sure I have ever thought that I was on cloud ten.
I woke up early this morning to swim (woke up is kind of a misnomer as I actually never really went to sleep, I was in bed but I am not sure you could call that sleeping). Usually 630 swim sets my day on a good course. This morning, it just didnt seem to work. I did some elliptical and stretching afterwards and when I went to the shower I looked at myself and I realized I was FAT- not just a few extra pounds, FAT. As fat as I have ever been- maybe fatter. This is not how I want to look. This is not how I want to represent myself. As I was swimming I was thinking about how much of my life has been adversely affected by my tendency to procrastinate. I keep starting diets tomorrow and then I wont date until I lose weight and then I turn around and I am 30 and single and playing the same games with myself. As Sam would say "SHAME". So I think it is time, AGAIN, to diet- but of course I am tempted to use lemonade diet to prepare for my cousin's wedding at the end of the month and I am thinking about all of the quick weight loss diet plans I have tried over the years. If at any of those times, I had just made a commitment to a long term solution and been patient and not needed immediate results, I might be in better shape now. Yesterday I was out almost out of breath from carrying a lamp out to the trash. Last week, I got shin splints walking on the beach with Juliet and I didn't make it very far. I hate that I let myself get here. I miss feeling fit. I sort of have hope because I know that I have been this out of shape in the past and worked hard to get myself fit, I know I can do it, I can channel the person that my old trainer told Joan was the hardest working client he had. EVen as I sit here and I type I feel my fat rolls in my thighs and stomach. Lilah and T2GT tell me I am not lazy, how did I get here? Why did I let myself get here? Is it a buffer I use? Do I just like food? Do I use it to quell anxiety or fill an emptiness? Do I let myself get fat as I deliberately ignore my body and cut off any awareness of it? What the hell am I doing to myself? I am compromising my health - why? I am sitting here typing as tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I am so angry at myself that I did this to myself. It is so unhealthy and self sabotaging. Why the hell do I do it? Why don't I take care of myself? DId I just get out of the habit? It really feels like laziness to me. And like a complete lack of discipline and an excess of self-indulgence. I think I always had this idea that once I was happy and had it together the weight stuff would figure itself out. Once I was confident I wouldnt need it to protect me, I wouldnt' need something to blame if people rejected me, because they wouldnt' reject me or if they would, I wouldn't care. When i went back to school and dropped Caleb, I felt confident and in control and I was thin and fit. (this is when T1GT graduated me to T2GT) But I couldnt maintain it. I thought once I was really ready to date and get married then the weight thing would somehow equilibrate. And there have been times when I did think I was ready- maybe I wasn't. Lord knows, while I might think I want to now, it seems unlikely that I am actually ready. Is my appetite positively correlated with my stress level, my feelings of emptiness, unacknowledged loneliness, thinly veiled insecurity? Is this my life? It would seem so and it is clearly unlikely to change unless I change it and I am not sure how to do that, so maybe I know on some level but would prefer to profess ignorance so that I can lament my fate rather than take positive action, overcome internia and laziness and working fucking hard to fix it.
It is amazing how I ended up driving home tonight singing along to the CD Lilah sent me (I totally love Dover). I ended up feeling good at the end of the day. I made plans to go to sketch fest on Sat night with Elle and now I am despondent as I type this. Perhaps if I finish chronicling and dissecting my day I will get back there- if I dont fall asleep first- although I am on call and thus far my rape deterence power is as strong as ever. Part of me really doesn't want to get called in, I am tired and would love to just get some sleep and it would be nice if no one needed a rape advocate tonight. I make a contribution just by being available and trained and i can appreciate that. But part of me wants to have this powerful experience that I trained for and it would probably be beneficial to have an experience that took me out of myself. Also I did start the training to accumulate some crisis intervention experience and start geting more real clinical experiences. Although that doesnt seem like enough of a reason for someone to have to suffer tonight. I told them that I would be on call once a week in the summer so maybe I will get called in once this summer. I also think I want to facilitate the next training in the fall.
After showering, I went to drugstore to stock up on grooming products (like blow dryer and brush that new haircut deems neccesary). I stood in front of the diet aids for quite some time and I finally selected one (really for no reason, i guess it sounded effective or something). When I got home, I found that the box was empty- there wasnt' a bottle in it. I prepared the box and the receipt to return them and get a replacement and then I decided to take it as some kind of sign that I wasn't supposed to be taking a short cut or taking unregulated "dietary supplements"
I met a friend of mine for brunch. We have been friends since first grade. After we ate she took me to see her new house. This is her second home. She has a pool and a beautiful four bedroom home and 4 really adorable kids and a great husband. I have never really envied her before as her life is so suburban and domestic and it isn't what I want. But today I almost felt it like a physical blow- this jealousy, this sense of being SO behind and unable to catch up. I don't pay rent on my tiny apt and she owns a center hall colonial with a large pool.
OK i have to get to bed- rest of day...felt like crap while driving into city, Lilah was in class, Lois didnt' answer- neither did Joan or Elle and Sarah is in Italy- I was really feeling like I had no one to talk to about this- I ended up calling Alison in Israel as I realized I hadn't spoken to her in a long time, but this was not something I was going to discuss with her. Elle called me back- yay. Went to therapy- it wasn't fun, there were many tears and a lot of recognition of how much work I have to do and how far away I am. (at least on my end). Three things to worry about/work on/focus on- career, men and weight and also confidence/comptence which fluctuates- hasnt' been doing all that well lately- but we did acknowledge that I have been hammered a bit recently so it is understandable- but I dont think I the victim here, as much as it might make feel better to think so- a lot of these problems are of my creation- I didn't revise my personal statement enough for my application this year and then didn't prepare enough for the interview, I procrastinated too much this semester and didnt' get the grades I wanted. I didnt' get away with these things but I probably shouldnt have.
Anyway I came out of therapy to see that my car was towed because I didnt read the signs carefully enough. I needed my SAVI portfolio from my car but remembered that I didnt have my license. I had to go to Lia's to print forms in case I got called in, I had to track down my license (I ended up getting it from Charlie) and I tried to find alternative classes (but I didnt really like any of my choices) to take next semester before fundraiser event planning meeting. Went to meeting, ate a couple of things I shouldnt' have, partcipated in meeting while constantly checking phone to make sure I was getting reception and then redeemed my car and drove home. But somehow in there I ended up feeling better. I dont know if it was the meeting even though I wasn't particulary helpful and I didn't know that many of the people there. I figured out which classes I would take, I made friendly conversation with all of the impound employees and I just felt like singing along to the radio. And I came home feeling better about my life- I spoke to Jesse about arranging July 4th roadtrip, bought tickets for sketch comedy festival with elle on sat night, made date with simon to go to yankee game, made plans to meet SAVI chicks at karaoke tomorrow night after air guitar competition with juliet- just started getting in touch with the things I get to do since I am single and living in the city. And not in a way that just feels like I am keeping myself busy, which it kind of felt like earlier this week.
It was interesting, I asked the guy who drove me back to my car at the lot if he meets a lot of angry people. No one is happy to be there - and he said most people are pleasant because we are all adults here and you only get here if you park somewhere that you shouldn't have parked. People realize it is their fault so they aren't upset, well at least not at him-- good take home message!
Tomorrow I have second interview for paid part time research position, have gym date with sally ( I am going to take gym reinitiation slowly) and I want to try to restart version of DVG diet because when I did that I felt healthier, had more energy, was thinner, felt more emotionally stable and had better skin (all of this took about 6 weeks to start working) and while I couldnt eat everything, I was able to eat A LOT of food, some days it was hard to eat everything I was supposed to eat. I also want to continue reading up on stuff associated with my research. I think I am going to register for the other classes and then go to sleep with my phone next to my ear.
And then I was checking facebook before I went to bed and saw that a girl in my lab who is in Australia for the semester (and she went to study in prague last summer- how much do I wish that my undergraduate experience was like that? that I was that kind of person in undergrad? so much that I can almost feel it physically. Not that I can do anything about it and wallowing in regret is certainly not productive, but I can mourn what might have been and celebrate the fact that I am closer (not quite there but closer) to being that kind of person now)-- Anyway this girl set her status to ...."is wondering if there is a cloud ten, cuz if there is, she is there." and her picture is an amazing shot of her, with her eyes looking down and this guy's face against her hair. She looked so happy and I was so jealous. I went to bed thinking that I am not sure I have ever thought that I was on cloud ten.
I woke up early this morning to swim (woke up is kind of a misnomer as I actually never really went to sleep, I was in bed but I am not sure you could call that sleeping). Usually 630 swim sets my day on a good course. This morning, it just didnt seem to work. I did some elliptical and stretching afterwards and when I went to the shower I looked at myself and I realized I was FAT- not just a few extra pounds, FAT. As fat as I have ever been- maybe fatter. This is not how I want to look. This is not how I want to represent myself. As I was swimming I was thinking about how much of my life has been adversely affected by my tendency to procrastinate. I keep starting diets tomorrow and then I wont date until I lose weight and then I turn around and I am 30 and single and playing the same games with myself. As Sam would say "SHAME". So I think it is time, AGAIN, to diet- but of course I am tempted to use lemonade diet to prepare for my cousin's wedding at the end of the month and I am thinking about all of the quick weight loss diet plans I have tried over the years. If at any of those times, I had just made a commitment to a long term solution and been patient and not needed immediate results, I might be in better shape now. Yesterday I was out almost out of breath from carrying a lamp out to the trash. Last week, I got shin splints walking on the beach with Juliet and I didn't make it very far. I hate that I let myself get here. I miss feeling fit. I sort of have hope because I know that I have been this out of shape in the past and worked hard to get myself fit, I know I can do it, I can channel the person that my old trainer told Joan was the hardest working client he had. EVen as I sit here and I type I feel my fat rolls in my thighs and stomach. Lilah and T2GT tell me I am not lazy, how did I get here? Why did I let myself get here? Is it a buffer I use? Do I just like food? Do I use it to quell anxiety or fill an emptiness? Do I let myself get fat as I deliberately ignore my body and cut off any awareness of it? What the hell am I doing to myself? I am compromising my health - why? I am sitting here typing as tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I am so angry at myself that I did this to myself. It is so unhealthy and self sabotaging. Why the hell do I do it? Why don't I take care of myself? DId I just get out of the habit? It really feels like laziness to me. And like a complete lack of discipline and an excess of self-indulgence. I think I always had this idea that once I was happy and had it together the weight stuff would figure itself out. Once I was confident I wouldnt need it to protect me, I wouldnt' need something to blame if people rejected me, because they wouldnt' reject me or if they would, I wouldn't care. When i went back to school and dropped Caleb, I felt confident and in control and I was thin and fit. (this is when T1GT graduated me to T2GT) But I couldnt maintain it. I thought once I was really ready to date and get married then the weight thing would somehow equilibrate. And there have been times when I did think I was ready- maybe I wasn't. Lord knows, while I might think I want to now, it seems unlikely that I am actually ready. Is my appetite positively correlated with my stress level, my feelings of emptiness, unacknowledged loneliness, thinly veiled insecurity? Is this my life? It would seem so and it is clearly unlikely to change unless I change it and I am not sure how to do that, so maybe I know on some level but would prefer to profess ignorance so that I can lament my fate rather than take positive action, overcome internia and laziness and working fucking hard to fix it.
It is amazing how I ended up driving home tonight singing along to the CD Lilah sent me (I totally love Dover). I ended up feeling good at the end of the day. I made plans to go to sketch fest on Sat night with Elle and now I am despondent as I type this. Perhaps if I finish chronicling and dissecting my day I will get back there- if I dont fall asleep first- although I am on call and thus far my rape deterence power is as strong as ever. Part of me really doesn't want to get called in, I am tired and would love to just get some sleep and it would be nice if no one needed a rape advocate tonight. I make a contribution just by being available and trained and i can appreciate that. But part of me wants to have this powerful experience that I trained for and it would probably be beneficial to have an experience that took me out of myself. Also I did start the training to accumulate some crisis intervention experience and start geting more real clinical experiences. Although that doesnt seem like enough of a reason for someone to have to suffer tonight. I told them that I would be on call once a week in the summer so maybe I will get called in once this summer. I also think I want to facilitate the next training in the fall.
After showering, I went to drugstore to stock up on grooming products (like blow dryer and brush that new haircut deems neccesary). I stood in front of the diet aids for quite some time and I finally selected one (really for no reason, i guess it sounded effective or something). When I got home, I found that the box was empty- there wasnt' a bottle in it. I prepared the box and the receipt to return them and get a replacement and then I decided to take it as some kind of sign that I wasn't supposed to be taking a short cut or taking unregulated "dietary supplements"
I met a friend of mine for brunch. We have been friends since first grade. After we ate she took me to see her new house. This is her second home. She has a pool and a beautiful four bedroom home and 4 really adorable kids and a great husband. I have never really envied her before as her life is so suburban and domestic and it isn't what I want. But today I almost felt it like a physical blow- this jealousy, this sense of being SO behind and unable to catch up. I don't pay rent on my tiny apt and she owns a center hall colonial with a large pool.
OK i have to get to bed- rest of day...felt like crap while driving into city, Lilah was in class, Lois didnt' answer- neither did Joan or Elle and Sarah is in Italy- I was really feeling like I had no one to talk to about this- I ended up calling Alison in Israel as I realized I hadn't spoken to her in a long time, but this was not something I was going to discuss with her. Elle called me back- yay. Went to therapy- it wasn't fun, there were many tears and a lot of recognition of how much work I have to do and how far away I am. (at least on my end). Three things to worry about/work on/focus on- career, men and weight and also confidence/comptence which fluctuates- hasnt' been doing all that well lately- but we did acknowledge that I have been hammered a bit recently so it is understandable- but I dont think I the victim here, as much as it might make feel better to think so- a lot of these problems are of my creation- I didn't revise my personal statement enough for my application this year and then didn't prepare enough for the interview, I procrastinated too much this semester and didnt' get the grades I wanted. I didnt' get away with these things but I probably shouldnt have.
Anyway I came out of therapy to see that my car was towed because I didnt read the signs carefully enough. I needed my SAVI portfolio from my car but remembered that I didnt have my license. I had to go to Lia's to print forms in case I got called in, I had to track down my license (I ended up getting it from Charlie) and I tried to find alternative classes (but I didnt really like any of my choices) to take next semester before fundraiser event planning meeting. Went to meeting, ate a couple of things I shouldnt' have, partcipated in meeting while constantly checking phone to make sure I was getting reception and then redeemed my car and drove home. But somehow in there I ended up feeling better. I dont know if it was the meeting even though I wasn't particulary helpful and I didn't know that many of the people there. I figured out which classes I would take, I made friendly conversation with all of the impound employees and I just felt like singing along to the radio. And I came home feeling better about my life- I spoke to Jesse about arranging July 4th roadtrip, bought tickets for sketch comedy festival with elle on sat night, made date with simon to go to yankee game, made plans to meet SAVI chicks at karaoke tomorrow night after air guitar competition with juliet- just started getting in touch with the things I get to do since I am single and living in the city. And not in a way that just feels like I am keeping myself busy, which it kind of felt like earlier this week.
It was interesting, I asked the guy who drove me back to my car at the lot if he meets a lot of angry people. No one is happy to be there - and he said most people are pleasant because we are all adults here and you only get here if you park somewhere that you shouldn't have parked. People realize it is their fault so they aren't upset, well at least not at him-- good take home message!
Tomorrow I have second interview for paid part time research position, have gym date with sally ( I am going to take gym reinitiation slowly) and I want to try to restart version of DVG diet because when I did that I felt healthier, had more energy, was thinner, felt more emotionally stable and had better skin (all of this took about 6 weeks to start working) and while I couldnt eat everything, I was able to eat A LOT of food, some days it was hard to eat everything I was supposed to eat. I also want to continue reading up on stuff associated with my research. I think I am going to register for the other classes and then go to sleep with my phone next to my ear.
posted by Zoe at 12:29 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home