I should be studying and I will shortly but now i'mjust sitting here just reveling in being content. It is nice. My applications are out. I think finals should be OK and Holden's wedding will be fun. After next week, I get to focus on my friends and filming (we are set to go!!!!) and going to gym and getting pedicures while waiting to hear if grant came through- god I hope it did. I'm just good- I set Lilah up and it is going well and she is happy and it is so great and I think I found a roommate for my apt (last one bailed!) and it's a gay guy and I'm really excited about it even though it means lying to my parents but I should be able to pay my own rent in a month so I think it is ok. I just am happy because I feel like I like myself and my life and who I am in a fundatmental way, and the people in my life and what I believe. and I think I things are coming together- we are starting filming and I think I am going to get into school and I may have a patient- everything that I have working for is coming together. I should got back to studying to make sure that I do well on finals as I know I can. Below is my personal statement- i wrote it on my own and edited on my own and I like it-it represents me accurately and I think the right school will respond to it.
In my experience, there is nothing clinical about clinical psychology just like there is nothing personal about personal statements. I was advised to write about my research experience in the fields of cognitive neuroscience, behavior analysis, applied health psychology, epidemiology and clinical science; focusing on the skills and publications these opportunities afforded me. People told me to talk about my masters in psychology with a concentration in neuroscience and tutoring and teaching assistantship. Conventional wisdom dictates that I include details about the movie I am producing, other community activism, and the half a million dollars that I raised. As an applicant for a clinical psychology program I should write a personal statement that discusses my rape crisis certification, experience co-facilitating group therapy for adults with chronic Axis I disorders, training in trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy and adolescent assessment experience.
I could write a standard statement, in fact I did, but it wasn’t personal and it didn’t really speak about me. Explicating my resume doesn’t relate my motivation for leaving an adorable east village apartment so I could go back to school, it doesn’t convey the passion that gets me out of bed at 4 am to go hold a stranger’s hand as she is examined after a sexual assault, and it doesn’t reveal the unique abilities that have enabled me to start a new research and awareness project.
There are formative moments in every life. The circumstances may not be under our control but we can determine how they shape who we become. When I was 19, I told my parents that I had an eating disorder to which they responded “what would you like to do about it?” At that moment I felt so profoundly alone. This intense loneliness exacerbated my suffering. This seminal moment and the alliances that helped me recover sparked an enduring interest in human anguish and the therapeutic power of human connections. This interest initially was explored through studying art and literature. I was compelled by the expressed vulnerability and was soothed by its universality. Ultimately, I was interested in connecting with people in a more immediate way; I want to use my experiences and insecurities to help people strengthen themselves in the face of adversity. I am driven by the possibility of alleviating an individual’s suffering by mitigating the intensity of their aloneness.
In The Drama of the Gifted Child Alice Miller discusses what she believes to be a universal impetus for pursuing a career in psychotherapy. Miller assumes that only someone who has had reason to delve into her own subconscious would devote herself to examining those of others. Effective therapists, clinicians with “sensibility, empathy, responsiveness and powerful ‘antennae’”, have cultivated their tools through their own painful experiences. Capable clinicians repress their own needs in service of their patients. This ability is created through a childhood that is marked by the fulfillment of others’ needs in place of one’s own. A truly gifted clinician has learned to recognize this phenomenon and control it. While she continues to harbor painful memories she does not allow these experiences to determine the course of her present and future. Her past enables her to make the patient and his needs a primary focus. However, effectual psychologists must also have learned to recognize, identify and attend to their own needs. Therefore they can guide their patients through a similar process.
Miller limits her discussion to the practice of psychotherapy but my interests are not limited to individual patients. I have been working toward a career as a scientist-practitioner because I am interested in evidence based treatment. I want to better understand psychopathology; in particular the behavioral manifestations of emotional anguish, and help establish more effective treatments.
Those who are not subject to addictive or compulsive behaviors regard them as easily controlled through force of will and strength of character. Often the gripping power of these disorders is underestimated. There is this psychic trauma that is too weighty for the body to contain so it expels it through purging, cutting and ingesting narcotics. These emotions need to be actualized, to be made flesh; they are incredibly potent and are embodied by a powerful force that can only be regulated with physical stimuli.
The dual nature of this phenomenon intrigues me- compulsion vs. individual responsibility, genetic and personality predisposition vs. environmental and social triggers, illogical, reckless behavior vs. seemingly sane, logical cognitions. These behaviors are driven by emotions but are often experienced in a disassociated way; in fact, often people who are suffering from these disorders have trained themselves not to feel anything at all. They frequently lack the awareness of the connection between triggers and reactions. Addictive behaviors are seemingly impulsive but can involve elaborate long-term planning and detection avoidance. The binary quality of these disorders is underscored by the corporeal affect regulation. People are suffering and in an attempt to alleviate it they engage in escape behavior, which inflames that which they are attempting to dampen.
This fascination has driven me to acquire all of the necessary skills to enable me to investigate this pathology from a variety of perspectives. Yale is the next step on my journey to be a clinician and researcher. Working with Dr. Brownell will give me the opportunity to engage in work investigating eating disorders while learning directly from a true expert in the field. The eminent faculty, impressive research facilities and exemplary clinical training will provide me with a genuine ability to contribute to the mental health and academic communities.
Kay Redfield Jamison discussed the power of jagged edges on National Public Radio's program "This I believe". She said "I have come to see how important a certain restlessness and discontent can be in one's life; how important the jagged edges and pain can be in determining the course and force of one's life.... And, above all, that one should learn from turmoil and pain, share one's joy with those less joyful and encourage passion when it seems likely to promote the common good." I have learned how to harness the power of my jagged edges and I believe that Yale can help me maximize their potency and enable me to be a better clinical psychology researcher.
