Maybe not

Apparently trying to eat is not a good idea... is it because I have class tomorrow? Is it still anxiety? I am getting bored and am kind of ready to go to school. I am kind of excited to start the semester but maybe i'm just excited about the idea of it and scared to actually get into it. Maybe I am nervous about starting school and applying to PhD programs again. But right now it just feels like nausea.

Somatization?

As I was driving to school today I started getting really sick and had to stop at my sister's house. I ended up throwing up and not being able to leave her house until much later in the day. I missed 2 classes and therapy appt. I think it may have been psychosomatic. I think I was anxious about starting school and going back to school without being a PhD candidate. I don't know if I am ready to write papers and do presentations and engage in school again. Or it may have just been the eggs I had for breakfast.

Back in the saddle

I feel like the good me again. I have been more productive than not over the past week and I set myself up for a really busy but productive semester. I am going to be taking 3-4 classes at school, research at school for credit, hopefully taking eating disorder class non-matric, working which may include facilitating the treatment group, doing adolescent assessments for the borderline inpatient study as well applying to grad school, facilitating SAVI training and taking an extra shift each month and working on the film project. And I have to find time to exercise 3-5 times a week. This week I have been just going to trainer for 30 minutes of weights and then doing 30-60 minutes of cardio. Lilah commended me on being different, being able to be moderate. I am trying to set myself up to set a sustainable schedule, a schedule that doesn't have me waking up at 5:30 am to exercise or interfere with my social life. In both diet and exercise I am trying to work on changing my habits and focusing on health and fitness. Of course I want results and I want to lose weight but I am really trying to shift my focus and trying to feel sexy and comfortable in my body regardless of its size. And it is boring to think and talk about diets all the time.
It is also good to get back in touch with my friends- people who know ME and value me. I feel funny and smart and just like me, the good me. I guess I just feel secure. I had dinner with Sarah and Elle this week and have spent time on the phone with Sam, Lois, Joan and of course Lilah. Juliet and I have been trying to make plans and hopefully I will see a lot of friends at Elle's party on Sat night. I have also just been spending time in my apt and neighborhood and hanging with Stella- I have just been living my life, the life I CHOSE, the life that I built for myself, the life that reflects my values and pursues my goals. It just feels right and I feel self- assured when I am doing it. I just feel content. I have a ton of stuff to do today and I hope I don't procrastinate (too much). I have reading to do for the brain lab and data entry but I think I might get more done if I try to do the stuff that I enjoy more as I am not in the lab or office today. I have to do some online training for CBT so it is interesting and hopefully useful soon and I have to type up notes from all of my film meetings this summer and I need to compose a film outline and proposal and budget (I had two great meetings with amazing clinicians yesterday).
I am not sure what I am doing for Shabbat- I can stay in my apt, stay in my parent's empty house or invite myself to aunt Karen's. If I want anything resembling a real shabbat experience then I have to go to Karen- I'm not sure what I want.

Stream of somewhat connected thoughts

Busy and productive are good. I even feel OK about missing 2 days of exercise (although I did start the vitamin guy diet). I think I am mostly moving in the right direction. Some of my busy was spent hanging out with Pacey- which may or may not be better than the hanging out on my couch with the TV that I was "busy" with last night. Is spending time with people because I know they think I am sexy, attractive and skilled a bad thing? I don't have to do anything about it- i just know they (Pacey and guy I hooked up with before him who I saw on Sunday) want to do something (even though Pacey has a girlfriend so we aren't doing anything - just hanging out- doesn't stop him from reminding himself how good I was). It helps me feel more comfortable with my body but I know I wouldn't bother if I wasn't bored or if I had better things to do. (Tonight Joao cancelled dinner plans because he was stuck at work). Hanging out with them and watching movies was comfortable and made me kind of want to do that for real - which I suppose I will never find hanging out with them. Not sure how I will find that - I guess I have to get out more. Elle set me up a meeting with this amazing woman who heads up a foundation this morning. It was great- she had a lot of ideas and contacts and she isn't only going to try to help me make the movie, she is going to try to help me raise money for phase 2 (whatever I think phase 2 is- i'm working on fleshing that out now). I'm not sure why but at the meeting I had this epiphany that I am becoming increasingly convinced that I am not going to meet my husband through some random set-up (like from this lovely older prof who seems to think that I want to get married tomorrow to anyone who will ask me). Maybe I'm wrong about this. I think I just felt like I need a smart, ambitous, independent, non-traditional Orthodox (or similarly commited to the community) guy. Maybe I just saw myself as this woman saw me and thought about who she would see with me and I liked it. I think after all this time with my family spent playing the good hearted, affable spinster I needed to connect with another (more accurate) version of myself. I needed to connect to me- the me I chose and choose to be. And that me has to get up early so I can swim before heading to lab to work on all sorts of things including following up on leads from today and of course lab work. I am also going to try to actually write that essay before I fall asleep- i thought I would write it this afternoon after my Sinai meeting but I stayed late as I am going to be trained to do assessments for the inpatient adolescent study and I observed someone else practicing one of the instruments. Driving home tonight- i had a few sentences rolling around my head (I really wished I had a tape recorder) and I am going to try to write them down and perhaps expand on them as well. If I write, when I write it, I'll post it.

Catching up - nothing revolutionary or that interesting

Interesting fact- If I allow myself to eat whatever I want- I don't neccesarily have to eat it. It is as if I just have to know that I can and that is enough.
I've started work- I went in on Wed, Thur, Friday and today. I am geting trained in trauma focused CBT - and I think I am going to get the oppurtunity to co-facilitate group therapy. I have also been told that I can start doing inpatient adolescent assessments for the borderline personality study. I also signed up to be a facilitator for SAVI training.
I am trying to figure out my schedule for the fall- I am going to have a lot of balls to juggle this fall. Job, brain and cognition lab until we get a paper out, borderline personality group, 4 classes at school and one class non-matric on eating disorders given by one of the people speaking for the film project, and applications. And I still want to try to exercise 3-5 times a week and start production on the film. I think I do better with intense schedule and lots of things to do- I guess we'll see how I do this fall. I hope it is invigorating and that the stress inspires me to be productive. There wasn't enough being production this summer.
Lots of family time this weekend- Will and Meg left for Israel yesterday and we all hung out Shabbat and sat night. Now that they are gone and family responsibilities are done for a while so it is time to hang out in my apt. I went to dinner on Thursday with Stella (was on call and rape deterrence status remains intact) and I walked to my favorite Soho coffee place on Friday before I went to work. It is so great to be back in my space and my life. I think I had a better time (less anxious) with my family after that week's posting. I wasn't trying to see my siblings as perfect or as my relationship with them as perfect either. I just saw things how they are and appreciated them in that way.
I was invited to Chicago for Lauren and Holden's engagement party this weekend but I decided to stay in NY and attend Elle's party and spend time with my friends for a bit.

rousing rip van winkle

I'm exhausted and waking up early tomorrow to get to work for on all training (truama focused CBT - i'm actually really interested in it). But I have really been neglecting blogging (among other things) so I figured I would make a couple of comments and observations and I will try to provide the related ancedotes, conversations, thoughts etc tomorrow.
Holden is engaged- I like her and she is nice and friendly and sweet- it would be hard not to like her but she is ordinary. I think I was so busy liking her and being invested in being part of this close family that I was ignoring the fact that she isn't special. I don't mean that she is "nothing special"- she is adorable and really just likeable but that doesn't make her extraordinary. And maybe I didn't want to see that because I didnt' want to think that Holden isn't extraordinary. It's really hard for me not because he is 8 years younger than me but because he is my soul sibling and I see him choosing someone who is totally different from me and doesn't share with him the interests that he and I share (at least it doesn't seem as if she does). I think he deliberately chose someone uncomplicated as he is complicated enough. And it is really hard to admit this to myself but it really hurts me that he did that. I know that he and I have very different values in some ways (particularly in regards to religion) and I guess I minimized the impact of that. He chose someone who is a good choice in terms of the values that he doesn't share with me. And I think I feel rejected. Maybe this is just forcing me to acknowledge a fact that I was choosing to ignore- we really aren't that similar. Lilah told me that I don't need him- I just need me. I appreciate what she is saying and I know she is right but it still hurts- at least it hurts now that I am no longer numbing myself. Something else that Lilah was right about - I was numbing myself to the pain and I have to say feeling it is far from the preferable option but I know it is more honest and hopefully will help me in the long run (fyi- in the short run, I'm not a fan. There is a reason I am so adept at this numbing thing). I think I have to accept that people are flawed (including me) and we love them anyway (including me) and we have people that we love because of who they are and also people that we love because they are family. I love Holden- he is a really good person and I'm proud to be his sister but I think I have to let go of thinking about this special connection we have and stop having it be so important to me. I love him - not because he is like me and not because he is perfect- I can choose to see that neither of those things are true and I can still love him and we can be close in a different way. It's not fair to him or to me to continue pretending to myself that things are the way I might want them to be rather than the way they truly are.
Leftover stories to tell- mom taking a plate out of my hand at a party, grandma -- really just being grandma but there are so many recent anecdotes, continuing drama with food- recent edition--> it is more than likely that the 3 are all connected. And as I was talking to Lilah tonight I realized how I can start my essay about my experience with bulimia- how it felt- I haven't worked on it because (among other reasons) while I knew I had something to say, I wasn't yet sure what that something was. I think I am going to focus on the alienation- how the perceived loneliness and alienation is a self fulfilling prophecy and the distance we put between us and people in our lives isn't personal, it feels natural and neccesary even as it pains us. You just feel so alone you feel like you can't possibly connect with or be close to another person. Pushing people away doesn't feel like a choice you are making to protect your secret, it just seems like the only normal, natural thing to do. The only thing that is consistent with how you feel. I have to find a better way to articulate this.
Sam and Joan I know I owe you phone calls- I will call- it is time to emerge from my cocoon...

checking in before i fall asleep

My cousin's wedding was tons of fun. I really had a great time hanging out with my family and just partying with everyone. It was nice to see how happy the bride and groom were. Lauren came with us and she is really fitting in with the rest of the family. She and I are going to hang out tomorrow while Holden heads to LA for a wedding. I've been helping her work out and we are going to get pedicures.
The article about the film project comes out on Friday. It isn't perfect but it is pretty good. I'm fairly pleased.
Tomorrow I have tons of training to do for my new job. It's exciting to get started. I'm happy to have something that is a bit more structured. I think getting into some more structure would really be good for me. Things have been too relaxed and I haven't been motivated enough to get things done without some externally imposed deadline.
I'm super tired and need to get to sleep so that I can be productive tomorrow.
I've enjoyed feeling like I belong to my family and getting back into shape but that isn't enough of a summer acheivement.

I love my friends

I had a really nice weekend. Drove down to Baltimore to see Lois, Clark and Seymour (in the convertible). I had a really nice time there as I always do. I really wish I could get down there more often. Sunday I left early in the morning to go rafting. It was a perfect day for it. It was great- Sean, Kim, Scotty, Jesse, Harry, Sally, Juliet, Joan and Bobby as well as a few more. I did a little river swimming and a (very) little rowing and mostly just lazed down the river in the sun. On my way home I stopped off at Gracie's birthday party. It was a really fun, friend filled weekend. It was really just what I needed. It was just relaxed and nice and made me feel connected to all of these amazing people. I am really lucky.
I am not sure if I can keep my rape deterrent status as I was called in last night- but I wasn't on call, I was on the back up list- does it count? It was a pretty uneventful call and I really just tried to be a supportive, listening ear. I think I was successful with that. I don't think I did a great job and I offered to call a shelter and she turned me down and went home (He isn't physically abusive and she wanted to go home and get her daughter and have someone call her about shelters in the morning). It was good to go in though. Not good that someone needed it but it did make me feel like I am working towards my goals. I went to orientation for new job today so that was another step in the right direction. Now I have to make more progress with writing- I have been doing some reading but not enough.
I have to figure out a way to be on a diet without becoming obsessive about it. It is boring to be thinking about what I am going to eat and what I ate and if I should feel bad about it. I really want to try to find a way to focus on health and fitness and not think about weight. I want to be able to trust that it will fall into place and I want to be comfortable in whatever body I have now.
Quick notes-
Holden is getting engaged a week from tomorrow.
I have a pretty random date tomorrow night- have very few expectations for this one and fewer hopes but I will allow myself to be surprised.

There were some tears- warning: this post is all over the place

It was kind of a tough day - for no real reason and it sort of came out of nowhere. Drove my parents to the airport which was uneventful (they were grateful that I drove them) and then had a really amazing meeting with a wonderful clinician who is going to help me with the eating disorder project. Afterwards I went to the lab and decided to stay there and work rather than go to meeting at Sinai (it was a 45 minute meeting that I was told I could attend or could be filled in on later and today was professor's first day back from vacation). I wasn't as productive as I could have been but it was an OK day- work wise. And I went to lab instead of heading to the beach like I wanted to - I would have brought journal articles with me- I read 8 articles on the beach last week.
I made an appointment with nutritionist and spoke to Elle about her party, and caught up with Joan, Sam and Lois. It should have been a nice day. But when I stopped by Sophie's house to play with James on my way to the gym after a little while I just had to get out of there. I told Alex I had to go and just left. I just got tired of taking care of someone else's kid. I don't know if it was because I went to visit a friend who had her 5th kid yesterday (and went with friend who has 4 kids and a house with a pool) or because I know Holden and Lauren are getting engaged in a couple of weeks or not going on a date in quite some time - I don't know what triggered it. I just ended up crying as I drove to the gym. I couldn't call Lilah because she was on a plane and I knew Sophie was putting her kids to sleep. I had already spoken to Joan, Elle and Sam twice today and Sarah is out of town. I tried to reach Lois and caught her on her way into a yoga class. honestly part of me just wanted to cry and feel a bit sorry for myself. I wasn't sure what anyone could say to me that would make me feel better. The problem isn't that I feel alone or think that no one loves me or would be there for me. I am lonely in some way because I am ready to be in a relationship and I am not in one. I know exactly how I can get some play but that isn't what I want (and I know that going for play because you want play and just some fun is fine while going for play when you really want something else is toxic and fairly pathetic). I was also feeling a little angry and resentful that I try to set my friends up and I don't feel like they set me up. I told myself to get a grip and be proactive about what I could help so I started to brainstorm about people I could set up. I can't go out and find myself a man but I an try to hook up the people I know. Maybe I am just frustrated because I am working really hard at getting back into shape and looking good. I really want it to be about health and fitness and just me and me feeling good but as soon as i start losing weight, I get obsessive about it. I have to find a better way. I finally started getting serious about exercise and diet when T2GT told me that I am finally mentally and emotionally ready to be in a relationship but I need to focus on attraction and appearance in order to find someone. And I guess in some warped way I think that I want a boyfriend more than I want to eat ice cream so I don't eat the ice cream. (Dieting has become fairly easy recently but for some reason today was just harder- I was fine when I had PMS which usually gets me but today I just wanted chocolate and I was snacky and I just wasn't feeling satisfied). Maybe I am expecting some kind of instant gratification- I lose 12 pounds= I get boyfriend. I don't know what else to do to try to get what I want- I suppose I could try patience but I am not very good at that. I again turned to my siblings for help but I am not really sure what they can do. Part of me is irrationally angry at them for not finding me someone to date and a huge part of me really doesn't want to be pathetic older 30 year spinster sister whom they must find a man using every resource they have.
And then as I am driving home and telling myself that I don't really want to indulge in self-pity (not that I wasn't sort of enjoying the wallow- I even started bemoaning the fact that I have to reapply to grad school) I hit INSANE traffic. I sat on the same road (all half a mile of it) for an hour. I just felt totally apathetic- like I didn't really see the point. I wasn't suicidal in any way but driving to my parents and taking a bunch of pills occured to me- just as this curiosity - like I wonder if this is why someone people do things like that. Generally I would chalk a day like this up to PMS but I got my period last week. And I have been exercising daily - maybe those endorphins aren't all they are cracked up to be. I really considered not posting this segment as I thought it might be mis-interpreted and I considered if I should just e-mail it directly to T2GT and I considered not even telling him but I thought that being forthright and honest- even if it wasn't pretty and I didn't want to be thinking and feeling this way was good for me. Not admitting it doesn't make it not true. I was thinking about therapy that focuses on behavior as opposed to analyzing feelings. I think there is something to be said for what you do- in some senses that is all that matters but today what I did was all the right things. It was my feelings that got in my way and I wasn't sure that anything I would do would make anything any different. Sure I could act content and start calling people and being friendly and social but I dont think I would then observe myself and conclude that I was happy (sorry dr behm).
I went to the gym to find out that I was double booked and didn't have an appt so I went to Aunt Karen's to eat dinner and work out. I ate more than I should have- which is to say I ate until I was FULL but it wasn't really that much (two bowls of vegetable soup and a bowl of rice and sliced red pepper) but I thought about throwing up for the first time in a REALLY long time. The eating itself was part of the old routine as well- I wasn't hungry when I started eating the rice and halfway through the bowl, I realized I wasn't tasting or enjoying it anymore but like it was like I had a made a commitment to the rice. I had decided I was going to eat it and I did. I haven't done that in a long time. I wasn't really going to purge but I thought "back in the day, I used to throw up when I felt like this". Apparently you can take the girl out of the eating disorder but you can't take the eating disordered thinking out of the girl.
After dinner I proceeded to have an internal debate about exercising- would it be exercise purging or was I tell myself that because I just didn't want to work out? Should I take a day off so as not to be obsessive? I could skip today as I am swimming in the morning with Karen tomorrow and meeting with a trainer in the evening- way not to be obsessive Zoe.I compromised (?)with a 30 minute low intensity workout.
Maybe I am just not getting enough sleep. I am going to go to bed- I dont if anything I typed is coherent but I am tired. Don't worry I am fine- not suicidal, not really depressed - just kind of lonely and sad - but it will pass. I feel like sad is a strong word- I really just don't feel like I feel anything at all. And in this weird way I feel like I don't know if I can still really feel emotions. I am not sure why I feel that way. I just don't remember what feeling anything was like. I can't really remember what it feels like to be happy or in pain or much of anything. I guess I just feel like I am turned "off" and I don't really remember what "on" was like. Maybe this is a defense mechanism. Maybe I don't want to feel happy for Holden because I am tired of feeling happy for my younger siblings as they get married and I don't want to feel sad and lonely and pained because I am alone. The weirdest part is that right now I don't even feel like I want a boyfriend or a husband. It is like I wouldn't know what to do with one. I wouldn't know how to feel anything for someone or know how to connect with someone. I say I want a date but seriously, god knows what I would do on one. I feel like I can't remember.
I'll be ok. I think sleep might help. I am also going to try going back on Dr vitamin guy diet because when I stuck to that diet, i lost weight, felt great and had SO much energy, got good sleep, my skin was clear and my mind was focused. I think being motivated by more than just the weight loss will be good for me. (Sophie and Holden asked me if i was annoyed that I "wasted" that looking and feeling great on Kermit- I think they were joking). Made appt with DVG but couldn't get one until mid-oct but until then I will just follow the last vitamin and food regimen that he gave me. Right now sleep is probably the best thing.