Stream of somewhat connected thoughts

Busy and productive are good. I even feel OK about missing 2 days of exercise (although I did start the vitamin guy diet). I think I am mostly moving in the right direction. Some of my busy was spent hanging out with Pacey- which may or may not be better than the hanging out on my couch with the TV that I was "busy" with last night. Is spending time with people because I know they think I am sexy, attractive and skilled a bad thing? I don't have to do anything about it- i just know they (Pacey and guy I hooked up with before him who I saw on Sunday) want to do something (even though Pacey has a girlfriend so we aren't doing anything - just hanging out- doesn't stop him from reminding himself how good I was). It helps me feel more comfortable with my body but I know I wouldn't bother if I wasn't bored or if I had better things to do. (Tonight Joao cancelled dinner plans because he was stuck at work). Hanging out with them and watching movies was comfortable and made me kind of want to do that for real - which I suppose I will never find hanging out with them. Not sure how I will find that - I guess I have to get out more. Elle set me up a meeting with this amazing woman who heads up a foundation this morning. It was great- she had a lot of ideas and contacts and she isn't only going to try to help me make the movie, she is going to try to help me raise money for phase 2 (whatever I think phase 2 is- i'm working on fleshing that out now). I'm not sure why but at the meeting I had this epiphany that I am becoming increasingly convinced that I am not going to meet my husband through some random set-up (like from this lovely older prof who seems to think that I want to get married tomorrow to anyone who will ask me). Maybe I'm wrong about this. I think I just felt like I need a smart, ambitous, independent, non-traditional Orthodox (or similarly commited to the community) guy. Maybe I just saw myself as this woman saw me and thought about who she would see with me and I liked it. I think after all this time with my family spent playing the good hearted, affable spinster I needed to connect with another (more accurate) version of myself. I needed to connect to me- the me I chose and choose to be. And that me has to get up early so I can swim before heading to lab to work on all sorts of things including following up on leads from today and of course lab work. I am also going to try to actually write that essay before I fall asleep- i thought I would write it this afternoon after my Sinai meeting but I stayed late as I am going to be trained to do assessments for the inpatient adolescent study and I observed someone else practicing one of the instruments. Driving home tonight- i had a few sentences rolling around my head (I really wished I had a tape recorder) and I am going to try to write them down and perhaps expand on them as well. If I write, when I write it, I'll post it.