rousing rip van winkle
I'm exhausted and waking up early tomorrow to get to work for on all training (truama focused CBT - i'm actually really interested in it). But I have really been neglecting blogging (among other things) so I figured I would make a couple of comments and observations and I will try to provide the related ancedotes, conversations, thoughts etc tomorrow.
Holden is engaged- I like her and she is nice and friendly and sweet- it would be hard not to like her but she is ordinary. I think I was so busy liking her and being invested in being part of this close family that I was ignoring the fact that she isn't special. I don't mean that she is "nothing special"- she is adorable and really just likeable but that doesn't make her extraordinary. And maybe I didn't want to see that because I didnt' want to think that Holden isn't extraordinary. It's really hard for me not because he is 8 years younger than me but because he is my soul sibling and I see him choosing someone who is totally different from me and doesn't share with him the interests that he and I share (at least it doesn't seem as if she does). I think he deliberately chose someone uncomplicated as he is complicated enough. And it is really hard to admit this to myself but it really hurts me that he did that. I know that he and I have very different values in some ways (particularly in regards to religion) and I guess I minimized the impact of that. He chose someone who is a good choice in terms of the values that he doesn't share with me. And I think I feel rejected. Maybe this is just forcing me to acknowledge a fact that I was choosing to ignore- we really aren't that similar. Lilah told me that I don't need him- I just need me. I appreciate what she is saying and I know she is right but it still hurts- at least it hurts now that I am no longer numbing myself. Something else that Lilah was right about - I was numbing myself to the pain and I have to say feeling it is far from the preferable option but I know it is more honest and hopefully will help me in the long run (fyi- in the short run, I'm not a fan. There is a reason I am so adept at this numbing thing). I think I have to accept that people are flawed (including me) and we love them anyway (including me) and we have people that we love because of who they are and also people that we love because they are family. I love Holden- he is a really good person and I'm proud to be his sister but I think I have to let go of thinking about this special connection we have and stop having it be so important to me. I love him - not because he is like me and not because he is perfect- I can choose to see that neither of those things are true and I can still love him and we can be close in a different way. It's not fair to him or to me to continue pretending to myself that things are the way I might want them to be rather than the way they truly are.
Leftover stories to tell- mom taking a plate out of my hand at a party, grandma -- really just being grandma but there are so many recent anecdotes, continuing drama with food- recent edition--> it is more than likely that the 3 are all connected. And as I was talking to Lilah tonight I realized how I can start my essay about my experience with bulimia- how it felt- I haven't worked on it because (among other reasons) while I knew I had something to say, I wasn't yet sure what that something was. I think I am going to focus on the alienation- how the perceived loneliness and alienation is a self fulfilling prophecy and the distance we put between us and people in our lives isn't personal, it feels natural and neccesary even as it pains us. You just feel so alone you feel like you can't possibly connect with or be close to another person. Pushing people away doesn't feel like a choice you are making to protect your secret, it just seems like the only normal, natural thing to do. The only thing that is consistent with how you feel. I have to find a better way to articulate this.
Sam and Joan I know I owe you phone calls- I will call- it is time to emerge from my cocoon...
Holden is engaged- I like her and she is nice and friendly and sweet- it would be hard not to like her but she is ordinary. I think I was so busy liking her and being invested in being part of this close family that I was ignoring the fact that she isn't special. I don't mean that she is "nothing special"- she is adorable and really just likeable but that doesn't make her extraordinary. And maybe I didn't want to see that because I didnt' want to think that Holden isn't extraordinary. It's really hard for me not because he is 8 years younger than me but because he is my soul sibling and I see him choosing someone who is totally different from me and doesn't share with him the interests that he and I share (at least it doesn't seem as if she does). I think he deliberately chose someone uncomplicated as he is complicated enough. And it is really hard to admit this to myself but it really hurts me that he did that. I know that he and I have very different values in some ways (particularly in regards to religion) and I guess I minimized the impact of that. He chose someone who is a good choice in terms of the values that he doesn't share with me. And I think I feel rejected. Maybe this is just forcing me to acknowledge a fact that I was choosing to ignore- we really aren't that similar. Lilah told me that I don't need him- I just need me. I appreciate what she is saying and I know she is right but it still hurts- at least it hurts now that I am no longer numbing myself. Something else that Lilah was right about - I was numbing myself to the pain and I have to say feeling it is far from the preferable option but I know it is more honest and hopefully will help me in the long run (fyi- in the short run, I'm not a fan. There is a reason I am so adept at this numbing thing). I think I have to accept that people are flawed (including me) and we love them anyway (including me) and we have people that we love because of who they are and also people that we love because they are family. I love Holden- he is a really good person and I'm proud to be his sister but I think I have to let go of thinking about this special connection we have and stop having it be so important to me. I love him - not because he is like me and not because he is perfect- I can choose to see that neither of those things are true and I can still love him and we can be close in a different way. It's not fair to him or to me to continue pretending to myself that things are the way I might want them to be rather than the way they truly are.
Leftover stories to tell- mom taking a plate out of my hand at a party, grandma -- really just being grandma but there are so many recent anecdotes, continuing drama with food- recent edition--> it is more than likely that the 3 are all connected. And as I was talking to Lilah tonight I realized how I can start my essay about my experience with bulimia- how it felt- I haven't worked on it because (among other reasons) while I knew I had something to say, I wasn't yet sure what that something was. I think I am going to focus on the alienation- how the perceived loneliness and alienation is a self fulfilling prophecy and the distance we put between us and people in our lives isn't personal, it feels natural and neccesary even as it pains us. You just feel so alone you feel like you can't possibly connect with or be close to another person. Pushing people away doesn't feel like a choice you are making to protect your secret, it just seems like the only normal, natural thing to do. The only thing that is consistent with how you feel. I have to find a better way to articulate this.
Sam and Joan I know I owe you phone calls- I will call- it is time to emerge from my cocoon...
posted by Zoe at 2:12 AM
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