Feeling fat

For no real reason- I don't think. I ate well today. I exercised. I looked reasonably cute when I went out (reasonably-not very). I really want Cocoa Puffs and skim milk that I know are downstairs but part of me really wants to do some crazy fad diet (don't worry Joan, I am not going to do it)and drop weight. It seems like Holden will be getting engaged next month when my grandparents are in town for my cousin's wedding. He wants to get married sooner rather than later (think Oct or Nov). Sophie basically was saying that since the wedding will be in Chicago it doesn't really matter how we look. Warped logic but she brings up an interesting thought...I was much thinner (like 25 pounds - maybe a bit more) at her wedding than I was at Will's wedding. Was anything really different? Maybe shopping for a dress (although I waited until last second before Sophie's wedding as well because I wanted to be as thin as possible when I was shopping) and I didn't embark on lemonade diet before her wedding (but I was similarly more restrictive in my diet). I recognize that my daily and twice daily exercise (I "needed" daily cardio so an AM pilates class didn't absolve me of needing to work out that day) was obsessive, unhealthy and unsustainable. While I might miss being in the best shape of my life -- not the thinnest I have been in my adult life but the strongest-- and I miss being able to run, there has to be a better way to get there. I know I need to shift my paradigm- I can't think in terms of events I need to think in terms of sustainable healthy lifestyle but this is a really hard habit to break. Even as I type this I am inundated with thoughts of upcoming events/goals. How do I think about looking good without excessively focusing on it?
Bottom line- i want to be healthy and happy- don't I? how do I get there?

Also working on trying to think about the next big thing- what else do I want? What should I be working on and what might be the things I am too scared or defensive to say? Am I protecting secret wishes, fears or desires?

My parents return from 2 weeks in Israel tomorrow night. While they were there they did the "rabbi run" and collected all kinds of good wishes for my hopefully upcoming nuptials. This guy took my dad to some very well respected rabbi (whose wife I met in Jan) and the guy who brought my dad told the rabbi " he wants a guarantee, he wants a guarantee that his daughter will be married by next year" and the rabbi replied "why wait a year?". I heard this story from Sophie who informed me that now I just have to believe it and what this man says is not to be taken lightly. Obviously I would love to believe that but telling myself that I believe it is not the same as believing it. I don't know if people like me, people who aren't spiritual, people who conduct their relationship with god, such as he is, on their own terms and eschew the dictates of the rabbis, people whose attachment to religion is about having a community to belong to rather than an adherence to the law- my people do we believe in rabbis and their power- even when they are telling us something we want to hear or is that the equivalent of believing your horoscope? These men are well respected men with large followings and they are holy men who truly believe they are leading the life that god wants them to lead- they are not hucksters but does that make a difference? Does it only work for my sister and my dad who follow these men's opinions in terms of conducting their life? I am not sure. I believe this man has a certain power and obviously I would love to believe that he is in some way prescient but I am not sure that I get to believe that because it suits my purposes and then meet my SAVI friend at Tribeca grill for dinner on wed night-- and I'm not cancelling my restaurant week reservations there or at Mesa Grill.