Extreme Makeover Zoe Edition

I was watching Brothers and Sisters tonight and there were endless commercials for Extreme Makeover- apparently they are bringing it back this summer. I realized it was time for an extreme makeover for me too. Well hopefully not really all that extreme. It is time to excise any laziness, self-pity or victim mentality. Time to be strong and proactive and yes, time to be pretty and focused on my appearance. This is the summer to work hard in lab and push myself to do things I may not be comfortable doing, things that might make me scared or anxious- too fucking bad. I need to challenge myself in both labs to write papers this summer and I need to step up. It is neccesary for my career and for my applications. I need to push forward with the movie. I need to be self-motivated. I dont have a tremendous amount of structure this summer and I have to make sure that I don't indulge myself and waste time. Things will move under my steam- time to fire up my engines! No sitting around and watching TV or reading or surfing the internet. I dont have time for that. Not if I want to achieve my goals. My goals and aspirations are mine for the taking- I just have to go and get them! God, I sound like my own personal motivational speaker- I am kind of embarassed but you know what? If it works, I am OK with sounding like Stuart Smalley (well hopefully it's not that bad). I don't want to envy anyone else's life. I want to revel in my own. This is my time to maximize my potential and that included my attractiveness potential. And that means losing weight- this exercising and eating healthier is great as a maintenance plan- i am sure I have been getting more nutrients and I am getting fitter and stronger but it's not enough. I'm fat. I hate it, I have been ignoring it but it's true- I may be the heaviest I have ever been - I remember looking at a picture of myself at my cousins' wedding when I was about this weight and being disgusted and promising myself I would never look that way again. Getting myself back into exercise was the first step now I need to cut down on my consumption. And I need to make more of an effort to do my hair and make-up and dress and accesorize regardless of my size.
I hate to admit that I am lonely but I am- I want to be with someone and I want to be someone worth being with and someone that can attract the kind of man I want. I hate that I feel like I have to lose weight to do that but it's not like I want to date some huge guy either. It's complicated because on one hand I would love to be with someone that I know loves me regardless of my weight but could I ever really respect a guy like that? And I think that if I am with someone and then I gain weight it might be different than the initial attraction. Would I really feel sexy and desirable if I was with a man who wanted me when I was fat? Do sexiness and desirability (in terms of my perception) neccesarily inversely correlate with weight? I've been cute and fit and didnt' find someone but maybe I was ready and maybe I am now. So if the cute girl who went to Sophie's wedding knew what I know would I be with someone? Maybe...not sure what else I can do to try to find someone. Maybe I will figure it out after I embark on step one- maximizing my attractiveness.
My goals for summer- maximize my application, my desirablity and also my fun. I want to try to get out and spend time with my friends and do fun things. I want to take advantage of living in a great area and of having really awesome people in my life. I haven't been making enough of an effort to connect with them and to connect with what makes my life exciting and uniquely mine. And of course being able to work on being a good person is also key- but a good person on my terms, not my parents terms or anyone else's. I hope that I have enough of a real sense of what that means that I can keep my own counsel- which isn't to say that suggestions on all fronts aren't welcome - they really are, i just think it is important for me to be the ultimate arbiter. So if you know how I can best acheive my goals- career, relationship, desirability, quality person-ness, etc. Please, please let me know. I will be honest with you - I may be a little defensive at first but I promise I will hear you and I will digest it and then incorporate your suggestions and criticisms if I honestly think they have merit (even If I dont like them).