There were some tears- warning: this post is all over the place
It was kind of a tough day - for no real reason and it sort of came out of nowhere. Drove my parents to the airport which was uneventful (they were grateful that I drove them) and then had a really amazing meeting with a wonderful clinician who is going to help me with the eating disorder project. Afterwards I went to the lab and decided to stay there and work rather than go to meeting at Sinai (it was a 45 minute meeting that I was told I could attend or could be filled in on later and today was professor's first day back from vacation). I wasn't as productive as I could have been but it was an OK day- work wise. And I went to lab instead of heading to the beach like I wanted to - I would have brought journal articles with me- I read 8 articles on the beach last week.
I made an appointment with nutritionist and spoke to Elle about her party, and caught up with Joan, Sam and Lois. It should have been a nice day. But when I stopped by Sophie's house to play with James on my way to the gym after a little while I just had to get out of there. I told Alex I had to go and just left. I just got tired of taking care of someone else's kid. I don't know if it was because I went to visit a friend who had her 5th kid yesterday (and went with friend who has 4 kids and a house with a pool) or because I know Holden and Lauren are getting engaged in a couple of weeks or not going on a date in quite some time - I don't know what triggered it. I just ended up crying as I drove to the gym. I couldn't call Lilah because she was on a plane and I knew Sophie was putting her kids to sleep. I had already spoken to Joan, Elle and Sam twice today and Sarah is out of town. I tried to reach Lois and caught her on her way into a yoga class. honestly part of me just wanted to cry and feel a bit sorry for myself. I wasn't sure what anyone could say to me that would make me feel better. The problem isn't that I feel alone or think that no one loves me or would be there for me. I am lonely in some way because I am ready to be in a relationship and I am not in one. I know exactly how I can get some play but that isn't what I want (and I know that going for play because you want play and just some fun is fine while going for play when you really want something else is toxic and fairly pathetic). I was also feeling a little angry and resentful that I try to set my friends up and I don't feel like they set me up. I told myself to get a grip and be proactive about what I could help so I started to brainstorm about people I could set up. I can't go out and find myself a man but I an try to hook up the people I know. Maybe I am just frustrated because I am working really hard at getting back into shape and looking good. I really want it to be about health and fitness and just me and me feeling good but as soon as i start losing weight, I get obsessive about it. I have to find a better way. I finally started getting serious about exercise and diet when T2GT told me that I am finally mentally and emotionally ready to be in a relationship but I need to focus on attraction and appearance in order to find someone. And I guess in some warped way I think that I want a boyfriend more than I want to eat ice cream so I don't eat the ice cream. (Dieting has become fairly easy recently but for some reason today was just harder- I was fine when I had PMS which usually gets me but today I just wanted chocolate and I was snacky and I just wasn't feeling satisfied). Maybe I am expecting some kind of instant gratification- I lose 12 pounds= I get boyfriend. I don't know what else to do to try to get what I want- I suppose I could try patience but I am not very good at that. I again turned to my siblings for help but I am not really sure what they can do. Part of me is irrationally angry at them for not finding me someone to date and a huge part of me really doesn't want to be pathetic older 30 year spinster sister whom they must find a man using every resource they have.
And then as I am driving home and telling myself that I don't really want to indulge in self-pity (not that I wasn't sort of enjoying the wallow- I even started bemoaning the fact that I have to reapply to grad school) I hit INSANE traffic. I sat on the same road (all half a mile of it) for an hour. I just felt totally apathetic- like I didn't really see the point. I wasn't suicidal in any way but driving to my parents and taking a bunch of pills occured to me- just as this curiosity - like I wonder if this is why someone people do things like that. Generally I would chalk a day like this up to PMS but I got my period last week. And I have been exercising daily - maybe those endorphins aren't all they are cracked up to be. I really considered not posting this segment as I thought it might be mis-interpreted and I considered if I should just e-mail it directly to T2GT and I considered not even telling him but I thought that being forthright and honest- even if it wasn't pretty and I didn't want to be thinking and feeling this way was good for me. Not admitting it doesn't make it not true. I was thinking about therapy that focuses on behavior as opposed to analyzing feelings. I think there is something to be said for what you do- in some senses that is all that matters but today what I did was all the right things. It was my feelings that got in my way and I wasn't sure that anything I would do would make anything any different. Sure I could act content and start calling people and being friendly and social but I dont think I would then observe myself and conclude that I was happy (sorry dr behm).
I went to the gym to find out that I was double booked and didn't have an appt so I went to Aunt Karen's to eat dinner and work out. I ate more than I should have- which is to say I ate until I was FULL but it wasn't really that much (two bowls of vegetable soup and a bowl of rice and sliced red pepper) but I thought about throwing up for the first time in a REALLY long time. The eating itself was part of the old routine as well- I wasn't hungry when I started eating the rice and halfway through the bowl, I realized I wasn't tasting or enjoying it anymore but like it was like I had a made a commitment to the rice. I had decided I was going to eat it and I did. I haven't done that in a long time. I wasn't really going to purge but I thought "back in the day, I used to throw up when I felt like this". Apparently you can take the girl out of the eating disorder but you can't take the eating disordered thinking out of the girl.
After dinner I proceeded to have an internal debate about exercising- would it be exercise purging or was I tell myself that because I just didn't want to work out? Should I take a day off so as not to be obsessive? I could skip today as I am swimming in the morning with Karen tomorrow and meeting with a trainer in the evening- way not to be obsessive Zoe.I compromised (?)with a 30 minute low intensity workout.
Maybe I am just not getting enough sleep. I am going to go to bed- I dont if anything I typed is coherent but I am tired. Don't worry I am fine- not suicidal, not really depressed - just kind of lonely and sad - but it will pass. I feel like sad is a strong word- I really just don't feel like I feel anything at all. And in this weird way I feel like I don't know if I can still really feel emotions. I am not sure why I feel that way. I just don't remember what feeling anything was like. I can't really remember what it feels like to be happy or in pain or much of anything. I guess I just feel like I am turned "off" and I don't really remember what "on" was like. Maybe this is a defense mechanism. Maybe I don't want to feel happy for Holden because I am tired of feeling happy for my younger siblings as they get married and I don't want to feel sad and lonely and pained because I am alone. The weirdest part is that right now I don't even feel like I want a boyfriend or a husband. It is like I wouldn't know what to do with one. I wouldn't know how to feel anything for someone or know how to connect with someone. I say I want a date but seriously, god knows what I would do on one. I feel like I can't remember.
I'll be ok. I think sleep might help. I am also going to try going back on Dr vitamin guy diet because when I stuck to that diet, i lost weight, felt great and had SO much energy, got good sleep, my skin was clear and my mind was focused. I think being motivated by more than just the weight loss will be good for me. (Sophie and Holden asked me if i was annoyed that I "wasted" that looking and feeling great on Kermit- I think they were joking). Made appt with DVG but couldn't get one until mid-oct but until then I will just follow the last vitamin and food regimen that he gave me. Right now sleep is probably the best thing.
I made an appointment with nutritionist and spoke to Elle about her party, and caught up with Joan, Sam and Lois. It should have been a nice day. But when I stopped by Sophie's house to play with James on my way to the gym after a little while I just had to get out of there. I told Alex I had to go and just left. I just got tired of taking care of someone else's kid. I don't know if it was because I went to visit a friend who had her 5th kid yesterday (and went with friend who has 4 kids and a house with a pool) or because I know Holden and Lauren are getting engaged in a couple of weeks or not going on a date in quite some time - I don't know what triggered it. I just ended up crying as I drove to the gym. I couldn't call Lilah because she was on a plane and I knew Sophie was putting her kids to sleep. I had already spoken to Joan, Elle and Sam twice today and Sarah is out of town. I tried to reach Lois and caught her on her way into a yoga class. honestly part of me just wanted to cry and feel a bit sorry for myself. I wasn't sure what anyone could say to me that would make me feel better. The problem isn't that I feel alone or think that no one loves me or would be there for me. I am lonely in some way because I am ready to be in a relationship and I am not in one. I know exactly how I can get some play but that isn't what I want (and I know that going for play because you want play and just some fun is fine while going for play when you really want something else is toxic and fairly pathetic). I was also feeling a little angry and resentful that I try to set my friends up and I don't feel like they set me up. I told myself to get a grip and be proactive about what I could help so I started to brainstorm about people I could set up. I can't go out and find myself a man but I an try to hook up the people I know. Maybe I am just frustrated because I am working really hard at getting back into shape and looking good. I really want it to be about health and fitness and just me and me feeling good but as soon as i start losing weight, I get obsessive about it. I have to find a better way. I finally started getting serious about exercise and diet when T2GT told me that I am finally mentally and emotionally ready to be in a relationship but I need to focus on attraction and appearance in order to find someone. And I guess in some warped way I think that I want a boyfriend more than I want to eat ice cream so I don't eat the ice cream. (Dieting has become fairly easy recently but for some reason today was just harder- I was fine when I had PMS which usually gets me but today I just wanted chocolate and I was snacky and I just wasn't feeling satisfied). Maybe I am expecting some kind of instant gratification- I lose 12 pounds= I get boyfriend. I don't know what else to do to try to get what I want- I suppose I could try patience but I am not very good at that. I again turned to my siblings for help but I am not really sure what they can do. Part of me is irrationally angry at them for not finding me someone to date and a huge part of me really doesn't want to be pathetic older 30 year spinster sister whom they must find a man using every resource they have.
And then as I am driving home and telling myself that I don't really want to indulge in self-pity (not that I wasn't sort of enjoying the wallow- I even started bemoaning the fact that I have to reapply to grad school) I hit INSANE traffic. I sat on the same road (all half a mile of it) for an hour. I just felt totally apathetic- like I didn't really see the point. I wasn't suicidal in any way but driving to my parents and taking a bunch of pills occured to me- just as this curiosity - like I wonder if this is why someone people do things like that. Generally I would chalk a day like this up to PMS but I got my period last week. And I have been exercising daily - maybe those endorphins aren't all they are cracked up to be. I really considered not posting this segment as I thought it might be mis-interpreted and I considered if I should just e-mail it directly to T2GT and I considered not even telling him but I thought that being forthright and honest- even if it wasn't pretty and I didn't want to be thinking and feeling this way was good for me. Not admitting it doesn't make it not true. I was thinking about therapy that focuses on behavior as opposed to analyzing feelings. I think there is something to be said for what you do- in some senses that is all that matters but today what I did was all the right things. It was my feelings that got in my way and I wasn't sure that anything I would do would make anything any different. Sure I could act content and start calling people and being friendly and social but I dont think I would then observe myself and conclude that I was happy (sorry dr behm).
I went to the gym to find out that I was double booked and didn't have an appt so I went to Aunt Karen's to eat dinner and work out. I ate more than I should have- which is to say I ate until I was FULL but it wasn't really that much (two bowls of vegetable soup and a bowl of rice and sliced red pepper) but I thought about throwing up for the first time in a REALLY long time. The eating itself was part of the old routine as well- I wasn't hungry when I started eating the rice and halfway through the bowl, I realized I wasn't tasting or enjoying it anymore but like it was like I had a made a commitment to the rice. I had decided I was going to eat it and I did. I haven't done that in a long time. I wasn't really going to purge but I thought "back in the day, I used to throw up when I felt like this". Apparently you can take the girl out of the eating disorder but you can't take the eating disordered thinking out of the girl.
After dinner I proceeded to have an internal debate about exercising- would it be exercise purging or was I tell myself that because I just didn't want to work out? Should I take a day off so as not to be obsessive? I could skip today as I am swimming in the morning with Karen tomorrow and meeting with a trainer in the evening- way not to be obsessive Zoe.I compromised (?)with a 30 minute low intensity workout.
Maybe I am just not getting enough sleep. I am going to go to bed- I dont if anything I typed is coherent but I am tired. Don't worry I am fine- not suicidal, not really depressed - just kind of lonely and sad - but it will pass. I feel like sad is a strong word- I really just don't feel like I feel anything at all. And in this weird way I feel like I don't know if I can still really feel emotions. I am not sure why I feel that way. I just don't remember what feeling anything was like. I can't really remember what it feels like to be happy or in pain or much of anything. I guess I just feel like I am turned "off" and I don't really remember what "on" was like. Maybe this is a defense mechanism. Maybe I don't want to feel happy for Holden because I am tired of feeling happy for my younger siblings as they get married and I don't want to feel sad and lonely and pained because I am alone. The weirdest part is that right now I don't even feel like I want a boyfriend or a husband. It is like I wouldn't know what to do with one. I wouldn't know how to feel anything for someone or know how to connect with someone. I say I want a date but seriously, god knows what I would do on one. I feel like I can't remember.
I'll be ok. I think sleep might help. I am also going to try going back on Dr vitamin guy diet because when I stuck to that diet, i lost weight, felt great and had SO much energy, got good sleep, my skin was clear and my mind was focused. I think being motivated by more than just the weight loss will be good for me. (Sophie and Holden asked me if i was annoyed that I "wasted" that looking and feeling great on Kermit- I think they were joking). Made appt with DVG but couldn't get one until mid-oct but until then I will just follow the last vitamin and food regimen that he gave me. Right now sleep is probably the best thing.
posted by Zoe at 12:41 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home