first day back

good news- I didnt oversleep
bad news- i barely slept
it will be a caffeine filled morning. time to get started with my first cup

Back to school (non-rodney dangerfield version)

It's not the Grease 2 opening song version either. I have class in less than 9 hours so I should probably get to sleep but I realised I hadn't checked in for a while.
just came back from a date with Kirk- he was nice but fairly bland. We went to Rockstar karaoke at mo pitkins so we didnt really get a chance to speak. If he wanted to go out again I would but if I dont hear from him again that would be totally fine too. i hung out with Elle and Chloe today which was really nice but I haven't done that much more since I got back except be a slacker. I had sister night on Thursday and Sarah came for shabbat but neither of those things were very active. I should get to sleep as I hope to have a productive week.
My date really wasn't bad but I kind of hate dating sometimes - i know I have no choice. I think I have also really decided to stop the meaningless play (it's been a while anyway). In any event, I should probably spend this week focusing on school, lab, Sinai, etc. I think I also have plans every night this week.

It's 4:30 am in Tel Aviv and I'm sitting in the airport, I should probably go board soon. I hated saying goodbye to Mark and Alison- I kept them up until 2 am talking to me (I feel bad as their kids are going to wake up at 6 or so). I ordered my textbooks for most of my classes so I guess vacation is really over.

One note expressions and their explanations

Oops- I realized I haven't taken my meds since i got here.
Yay- i was invited to interview for the doctoral program
Eh- I'm leaving Israel in less than 36 hours but I have been scheduling my week at home- including interview for part-time job so i can make some contribution to my expenses (I havent' earned money in 2.5 years)
Woo hoo- I set up Juliet with a friend, Sam with a random guy and I am trying to set up Sarah with a guy I went on a date with last summer.
Um- i made plans to get together with Stella's ex-boyfriend who got me the position at Sinai to catch him up on what I am doing there. I was friends with him before they started dating but I haven't realy been in contact with him since they broke up and he is engaged to someone else. Not sure I should be doing this
Smile- I had such a good time with PJ and gave her the books I finished so far on this trip (History of Love and Evidence of Things Unseen) - working on finishing The Glass Castle so I can give it to her if I see her tomorrow
Yawn- played with Alison and Mark's kids from 6 to 7:30 am this morning. Kids are exhausting- will I be ready for this?
Shrug- I may go to see big Rebbetzin tomorrow in Bnei Brak- I'm fairly indifferent about it. I havent' heard from the woman who is supposed to take me and I haven't made any effort to contact her

Random questions followed by random notes

1-I've been keeping in touch with Isidore and I'm not sure why I am bothering. We had a whoel conversation (over gmail chat) about how he wouldnt like my famiy and they wouldn't like him (probably true as they, like Lois, might think that I could do better). I'm not sure why I was trying to argue with him about it or why I care about him at all or get hurt if I think he doesn't like me. He totally needs to get himself together and he seems intimidated by how many people I am connected with- why am I bothering?
2-I went with Aurora to a children's home in Netanya yesterday- i was so self-conscious and had a lot of trouble interacting with the children. Aurora was totally getting into it and I was mostly observing. why? i was trying to figure out if that should bother me or if i should just accept that I have other strengths. I felt like I should be happy that I went and feel good about it but most of the time I just wanted to go already. I was inspired by the people who worked there and the high school kids who we went with but i didnt really want to interact with the kids. I feel like I like helping people from a distance- and I dont really think that is admirable. I did tear up when the guy who runs it was talking about it- not sure what that says about me. It made me feel kind of inadequate.
3- I went with Alison tonight to the Kotel and to get a bracha from Reb Aryeh Levine's son (my dad arranged it). I am not sure why I do these things when I am not sure if or how I believe. Why daven at the kotel if I dont daven? why ask this rabbi to daven for me if I dont daven? do i believe in him if what makes him great is that he learns torah all day?
4- I have been eating a ton, I keep thinking I am going to stop the next day but then I don't. I feel fat and I havent' really been exercising and I know I have to fit into my gown for Meg and Will's wedding and yet I continue eating like it is my job. Why can't I stop myself? I feel yicky and it makes me nervous to date and I think I want to date but yet I keep eating.

In other news- good news
I have been catching up with some friends that I havent' seen in a while and it is great. Jo and Henry drove into jerusalem to see me last night and I had such a great time. I have plans to see PJ tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. I havent seen her since she got married.
The first good therapist sent me the nicest birthday email- she let me know she is thinking about me and believes that it will all turn out well for me. I replied that I believe it too (I think I do) and thanked her for her role in getting me here
Alison has been calling everyone she knows trying to get me dates while I am here- I am not sure I really want to go out with someone who lives here but it is SO nice of her to make this huge effort.

Oh so jetlagged

I should have been asleep hours ago. I got in after 2 and then spoke to aunt Anna, my parents, will, Holden and Sophie and have been wasting time on facebook and returning emails etc. I could be using this time to read and summarize journal articles for my research project- well i could be doing a lot more of that and i really should start. I printed out a bunch of articles and brought them with me so I hope I start actually reading them and not just perusing them. If I want to write this review article on adolescent brain imaging studies and personality and mood disorders I best start reading up on the background information. In fact I think I just motivated myself to do that.
So quick weekend update- I'm having a wonderful time with Alison and Mark- it's great to spend time with people who think you are smart, perceptive (mark told me I should be a pscyhologist ;) and just awesome. I really love them as well and respect and admire them. I have said that I wish I was the person that Alison cohen thinks I am- she seems to have convinced Mark that I am that person. Also having a great time with their kids- esp 4 year old jordy, who loves me. And they got me a birthday cake.
Went out to dinner with a friend from camp who I have not seen in at least 3 years- it was great to catch up and then Aurora met up with us and we talked until 1:30. I don't think we will be getting up in time to go to soup kitchen tomorrow but we will meet up with the group to go to the orphanage up north.
OK i'm going to try to get some reading done now- wish me luck :)

Hanging in the Holyland

Yesterday I spent the day in Rome by myself. It was my first "trip" alone. Since I have been to Rome in the past I wasn't stressed about missing anything. I had seen it before. I just walked around the city and visited the antiquities, some of the piazzas and St Peters and then I took myself to dinner. (I also had a fair amount of gelato as I was walking around- we'll call it lunch). It was a beautiful day and I had a really great time. I dont know that traveling alone would be my first choice but it is good to know that I can enjoy it.
It's great to be back in Israel. I met Aurora for lunch today and we walked around Jerusalem a bit. On Sunday we are going to soup kitchen and children's home. I hope to be able to see most of my friends while i am here. I know it is going to go so fast. I also want to go to Yad VAshem as Erin recommended it and I haven't been in years.
On the man front- I have a date with Kirk scheduled for the night I return. I have been flirting with Pacey but I don't intend to do anything about it. I start communicating with Lionel from Jdate and Marty and Norm from Eharmony. I communicated with this guy I went out with years ago through facebook (it is my newly discovered procrastination tool). I set up a friendly outing with Daryl and I hooked up Isidore's friend (Izzy and I are still in touch but nothing is happening there) with Sam. And I canceled my jdate subscription- I wasn't meeting any real prospects and if I just want play I can call Pacey. I'm going to try to focus on actual contenders.
Tomorrow is my 30th birthday- whew, I am not sure that I feel 30- I feel much closer to 25.

Leaving on a jet plane

I'm in the airport waiting to board. I spent most of my airport time on a conference call and getting a leg wax(i'm getting a pedicure as i type). I'm nervous and excited to spend the day in Rome by myself. Unfortunately I left my guidebooks from my last trip to Rome at home. I know I will be really happy to be in Israel and I am going to feel like I didn't have nearly enough time there but I was so not motivated to pack up this afternoon ( I woke up too late to pack this morning). Ok I think i have to do - more later

quick update - hopefully more tomorrow

Kind of been all over the map emotionally
My party was great- I had a really good time and was super excited that my brothers surprised me from baltimore
Leaving to Israel tomorrow night (have a 12 hour stopover in Rome) and i'm not at all ready
was on call yesterday for rape crisis but wasn't called in so I did a whole lot of nothing until I went out with Sarah and then came home and discovered facebook
i'm trying to remember that I am happy with my life and proud of who I have become
mandate (as sam calls it) and other news to follow

The roundup

Good news
- I bought a gown for Will's wedding- I have to lose a few pounds for it to look better but it fits as it is.
- Casey came with me to pick up my car and then we had a great dinner (beautiful Bordeaux, great steak, wonderful conversation)
- Caught up with Aurora over tea today and booked a ticket to join her in Israel next week
- Had lunch with Lia at Max Brenner's and walked around downtown
- Met a fun local girl at drinks with Aurora's friends tonight
-Mom bought a bunch of stuff for party and Sophie is baking all kinds of fun stuff
Bad news
- got no work done
- still have to do tons of stuff for movie and labs
- rescheduled meeting for next week
-phone died so i missed catching up with Chloe, Pacey and Dave- although I'm not sure I really would have time tonight, well i know I wouldn't have but I would have liked to catch up with them and make plans
- didn't make it to the gym with Sally because I went to the impound lot
All in all I'm feeling good but I have tons of work to do tomorrow and I need to go to my parents to pick stuff up.

Trying..

Trying to get myself back in a good frame of mind. Trying to get back into feeling confident and on top of things. Trying to remember why I think I am awesome and cute and fun.
I had a really nice dinner with Dani and found a location for my party- Harry and Sally's apt- my mom said she would provide sushi, appetizers, wine and beer and Sophie said she would bake. A bunch of my cousins RSVPed that they were coming, it should be fun.
I dont know why I am not that excited about it or my ski trip with my parents and Erin anymore. I should probably get a normal night's sleep. I was going to swim with Aunt Karen tomorrow morning but I decided waking up at 5:30 (or even earlier since I had to retrieve my car) was not the best idea.
On deck for tomorrow- gym with Sally, meeting with Charlie about film project, getting together with Casey and possibly Aurora and another friend. We'll see how it turns out. I should go to the lab but i can probably get all of the stuff done on thursday when I have to be in the lab anyway. I have to get more on top of lab work in both labs.

Reasons why staying out late on a school night is a bad idea

1- will sleep through alarm clock and miss picking up Meredith on my way to the lab
2- will also sleep through moving my car and then car will be towed
3- once car was towed and missed lab slept until 3 pm today- my cold is feeling a lot better though- mostly just a sore throat now
4- I have to make up eveything I missed tomorrow. Meeting Dani for dinner and then trying to decide on a venue for the party with her. I have to pick up my car from the pound and I have to get to the gym and I absolutely must find a gown to wear to Will's wedding.
5- I still feel tired

Getting in at 3 am on a school night

Probably not smart but it was a fun night. Lois, I don't know how you do it. Tomorrow will be a caffeine full day. Good thing I wasn't called in to the hospital last night and I still have my emergency latte in the fridge.
This morningish I went to UJA panel discussion on eating disorders- I totally did not want to get out of bed on this rainy day when I still had this cold but I pulled myself out (barely) of bed and went to the panel discussion. I didn't learn anythng but I did exchange information with a couple of people who may be willing to speak on film about their experiencews. After that I went to therapy- talked about the things that are fundamentally me- regardless of if I am having my best day or my worst- like being laidback and relatively positive and generally generous of spirit. Then I met Joan and we went to see "Children of Men" - well done but heavy and depressing. We then hung out in her apt and I showed her my recent jdate "conquests". It was really great to catch up with her. On my way downtown I attempted to return Isidore's call and I texted Jerome who should be back in Philly today (he had emailed me that he would be back today and sent him phone number). I went to Mo Pitkins to meet the SAVI advocates (or the two of them that showed up) for bingo but we were too late so we just hung out at the bar and talked and flirted with the bartender for free shots. One of the girls really wanted to go to karaoke up the block which is why I was out unitl 3 am. We had a great time and made another date in two weeks but decided that it would probably be better not to do it on a Monday night.
In other guy news- Harold (the jdate guy I was supposed to email when I got back in town) is dating someone and my brother in law gave my number to Kirk.

Home sick on the couch

I have a really bad cold and have been sick all weekend. I slept on Jesse's couch after dinner and on Sean and Kim's couch after lunch. I canceled plans with Elle and Dani last night and stayed in and cancelled Dani (rescheduled from yesterday- I moved her to Tuesday) and Gracie and Queen and stayed on my couch all day. I slept, sucked lozenges, drank tea, watched bad TV and ate (I ordered in sandwiches and oatmeal). My throat hurts a lot and I'm all doped up from the cold meds. I can't take nyquil tonight as I am on call for rape advocacy.
I really want to feel better- I just feel gross.
I have to figure out a venue for my party- Aunt Anna and Aunt Karen called to tell me that they are coming. I wish I could find an apartment that is big enough because then my parents will provide wine, beer, sushi and appetizers.
Guy update- I haven't heard back from Daryl about Aurora, jerome gets back into town tomorrow so hopefully I will hear from him this week (he asked for my phone number and I gave it to him), I never got back to Frances and I haven't heard from him, I have been Iming and playing phone tag with Isidore but I think I should stop, I think I am just bored - I don't really want anything with him.
I have a lot going on this week, I hope I start feeling better so that I can do everything. I'm getting tired of my couch (who thought that could happen?)
Tomorrow- eating disorder panel, therapy, time with Joan and SAVI training group bingo outing
I have lab work and reading to do so I should try to get some of that done.

Need a nap

I'm so tired. I was having such a good day and now I am just exhausted as I didn't get enough sleep last night. I woke up early to drive to school and stopped by Sophie's to bring her groceries and play with James. It was a really great way to start the day. I got a lot of work done with the lab and learned some new skills. I was really excited to hear from someone at Renfrew about colloborating on the film and I was so energized but now I'm totally not in the mood to go to minyan and dinner at Jesse's. I know I will have a great time and I will be happy I went but now I just want a nap.
In other news, jerome emailed me - he seems great so far.

Status Check

Guy Update
Daryl- left him a message attempting to set him up with aurora
Edwin- I IMed him today to ask him something and he complimented my skills and then started in on dirty talk...
Frances- Texted me today and I didnt respond (deleted it and dont have his number as I had previously deleted that)
Gerald- I haven't emailed him yet to let him know I am back in town and can meet for drinks. Should I?
Harold- emailed me today, I responded with a brief reply. I think I am going to just let this one go
Isidore- called me tonight (I had left my phone in the car when I went to Elle for dinner)- said he was calling because I didn't seem happy when I left last night or something like that. I texted him back
Jerome- never responded to my last email- my brothers tried to recruit a new Jerome for me in Philadelphia. One of their friends has a cousin who lives there but he was in NY on business today. I am supposed to let Holden know if I am going back to Philly to visit (I may go back to meet with medical director at Renfrew about the film project and I also offered to pick up the girl I was visiting when she is discharged next week.
Status- as single as ever
Food Consumption
2 whole wheat low-fat waffles, skim latte, whole wheat bagel with tuna and veggies, skim latte, (resisted friendlys ice cream while in Philly), drunk man noodles (chinese), tea and lots of water
Status- feeling kind of gross - shouldnt' have had the chinese esp not greasy noodles with minimal protein
Interpersonal relationships
Trying to coordinate family vacation for my 30th- conflicting schedules is making it really difficult
I had a really hard time at Renfrew today- I just didnt' know what to say to her and what I could and should ask. I just felt like I wasn't helpful.
Received and distributed a couple random acts of kindness today- they can make my day
I am trying to edit Juliet's fellowship application essay
Lois bought me 2 magnets today- "Be yourself. there is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that" and "Take pride is all you have done and believe in all you can do"- or somthing like that. I gave to girl in Renfrew with Lois's permission and her promise to replace it. I bought her a magnet that said" friendship is when people know everything aboutyou adn like you anyway" or something to that effect.
Had dinner with Elle tonight and invited her to go out with Dani and I (and maybe Juliet) on Sat night
Going to Jesse for dinner on shabbat and Sean and kim for lunch- totally looking forward to reconnecting with the downtown crew
Made brunch plans with Gracie for sunday.
Status- it's all good
Lab Stuff
Totally behind with Borderline personality disorder stuff
did minimal reading for Brain lab and i have to go in tomorrow
Status- i need to seriously get my butt in gear
Community stuff
have a meeting set up for next week for movie, left a message at Renfrew and going to panel discussion on monday
have to rsvp to meetings
status- eh, moving forward but slowly and not on all fronts
This hasn't been a really productive week but I feel happy even though I don't feel like I have been using my time constructively

Another one bites the dust

On to Jerome...and still a virgin. I had a lot to say about it but got it all out of system with post-game show drinks with Lois. She reminded me that I had no reason to be upset because I can do much better.
In other news- A, freaking A in neuroanatomy!!!! I'm pretty psyched about it. My history prof never got back to me about my grade on the final exam. I'm still not thrilled about the B but my GPA is still pretty solid.
Heading to Philly today to see someone at Renfrew and possibly Jerome (new jdate guy who is at Wharton). I have been making plans to see friends and get movie and lab stuff done next week.
In birthday news- I sent out an evite for my party (250 of my nearest and dearest- a lot of people aren't in NY or I know can't make it and clearly I am not really friends with all of them but I invited people I like and used to be friends with as well even if I dont have much to do with them now as well as people who I thought might be able to meet other fun people). If Will and Holden can work it out with school then we are going to go on a family ski trip to Utah for my birthday. Maybe i'll fly to LA for the weekend and meet them in Utah so I can see Lilah.
Stats
Emotional temp-- serene
food intake yesterday- 2 lattes (one soy, one skim), dry shredded chicken (chinese), half a serving of gnocchi with cream pesto (some of which i threw up on isidore), 3 drinks- whatever Lois ordered for me, string beans and rice (leftover chinese)

Shout out to Baltimore peeps

To Ray and Deborah-
Honestly I don't come to Baltimore to see them but they are totally a part of my experience here and they really contribute to my good time. Ray gave me my first weed and he keeps encouraging me to get laid and have as much sex as I can while I am single and I'm coming around to his way of thinking and he is a rockin' cook and makes a mean margarita. Deborah is just awesome. I'm really happy that I can count them among my friends. I had a great time having dinner there on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.
It was really sweet while I was in DC yesterday Ray called to invite me to dinner and invited my new boytoy as well. I went to dinner (it was yummy) but boytoy (Isidore) stayed in DC.
Lois and Clark- I know that I can show up here and stay for a week and I'm completely welcome. I borrow anything of Lois' and i know it's all good. Will feels comfortable letting himself into their house and raiding the fridge- that is when you know friends have become family.
Seymour- I like him, he makes me feel appreciated and I have a good time with him. I really like discussing and trading books with him.
Sam (she is in DC, its close enough) - i'm really sad that I didnt get to see her this time around, she is so much fun and she is hilarious- you can check her out on her blog khia-khia.blogspot.com

Victory (in the smallest possible way)

I finally made it to the gym. I was reading my articles (after I finished my lab work- i'm finally getting stuff done) and I was falling asleep and I was so tempted to take a nap but instead I went to yoga. I can't believe how long it's been since i went to the gym. I really need to start working out, i told Lois I would go with her again tomorrow. Getting back into it always gets me so upset because I see myself in the mirror and I look fat and I'm in such bad shape and I have trouble doing all of these things that used so easy for me back in the day. I miss the day. I know that I got into shape before and I can do it again. Once I was finished and got over being in bad shape and feeling fat, I was really happy that I went. And even though I still feel fat I am in a really good mood. I just feel in control of my life, i'm not sure why but I feel like it is on a good path.
I went out to dinner with Seymour tonight because I knew he was depressed and wanted to get out. I totally ate more than I should have (2 rolls with butter, sushi-salmon, some of my steak (about 6 oz) some of my vegetables and most of my mashed potatoes and a glass of red wine). Now I feel full and gross but dinner was nice, we brought the leftovers to Holden since he had class tonight. I think i might be dehydrated so I'm trying to hydrate now.
Going out with Isidore tomorrow night - i'll fill in the details later- now im heading out to a tequila bar with Lois and Seymour.
I'm also trying to figure out what I am going to do for my 30th birthday- i'm thinking of trading in my necklace for a family ski trip to Utah but I haven't run that by my parents yet.

Anxious?

I'm feeling kind of anxious but I may just be overtired or it may be the venti coffee, iced tea, half a whole wheat tuna melt and large pumpkin soup. (went to lunch with Will and Holden). maybe i'm anxious about Isidore, I dont know. i woke up feeling fine about him, even thinking that it didn't matter if i heard from him but now I getting kind of anxious about it. Is this the way I felt during the Arnie episode? Kind of feels that way.
Maybe i will feel more settled if I can finish up my work for lab (I have to re-do some of it that I thought I finished- I guess you shoudn't do labwork at 3 am) and some of my reading. I've been doing some reading but I really need to take notes. Perhaps I will even hit the gym with Lois tonight, god knows I really need to.
I am trying to book a trip with Lilah for my upcoming birthday weekend.

Happy New Year

Food- still not back on cookie diet. I didn't eat all that much today though- chex and milk at Isidore's apt, soy latte and coke (in an attempt to wake up before driving back from DC), rib, hamburger and bun and corn on cob at Ray and Deborah's.
Lessons learned- everyone is freaking nuts, it's ok to be crazy too. I can really try to wait and have someone come to me, i'm worth it.
So far it's been a pretty good year. I am relaxed and was singing along to the radio as I drove back and forth from DC. And I've been feeling really lucky regarding the people in my life and feeling pretty OK with who I am. I dont know, I kind of feel like I am in a better position to date because I dont feel as anxious with contenders anymore and more importantly my definition of a contender has shifted. I think I am really less interested in a trophy boyfriend, i feel more confident in my ability to represent myself.
More later

Guys F-I

Frances - I heard from Frances who seems like he is still really into it and wants to see me this weekend. I don't think I am going to see him. There isn't any potential and it was fun and nice to be appreciated but he wasn't all that bright and it wasn't great. I can be appreciated by other men- i'm pretty great, men will recognize it, no need to distribute points for that. Since Frances took his sweet time getting in touch with me (and then was all "why didn't I hear from you? do you miss me?" - way to shift the onus to me) I don't feel bad about not getting in touch with him or not seeing him this weekend (or ever)
Gerald- guy from jdate that I am supposed to email when I get back to NY. He wants to get together for drinks. He is a 37 year old lawyer, I think he used to be religious and is currently an agnostic. I'll see if I end up contacting him when I get back to town.
Howard- Another guy from jdate- this one in baltimore, he is currently in Miami and will be back in Baltimore on Wednesday. I haven't told him that I think I will still be here until Thursday (going to Philly to see one of the eating disorder survivor speakers from the film who is currently inpatient at Renfrew and she isn't available during visiting hours until Thursday and I dont have to be in the lab until Friday). He is a grad student in non-profit management and looks cute- not sure I want to bother meeting him this time around. Maybe i'll keep in touch with him and see him next time. Although I could always change my mind and see him before I go.
Isidore- Guy I "met" on Jdate who drove up from DC to meet up with us last night. I was a bit (but not very) drunk when he showed up at 4 am. We ended up kissing on the couch in the bar within 5 minutes of meeting and then he came back to Lois' with me. We stayed up all night together and then went to his apt in DC in the morning and hung out there for the day. I left at about 8 or so. He said that we would speak tomorrow but I've had more than one guy tell me that and then I didn't hear from him, so we'll see. It was fun and comfortable and good play. I was thinking about sleeping with him. Does that make me a slut? Maybe,I kind of like being a slut though. I think I am ready to sleep with someone and it was comfortable and I don't want to be a 30 year old virgin. We would have slept together (possibly) had he not been exhausted from staying up all night. If I hear from him this week (he did IM to say goodnight and made reference to this slammin' chick who kept him up all night) maybe i'll sleep with him. i think he would make it a good experience and it wouldn't be this overhyped thing. We'll see. I'm not sure if this is going anywhere, if he wants it to or if I want it to or if it has potential but it was a nice day and a good experience.
Most importantly, I felt like I was comfortable with myself. I like who I am and I feel like people (men) will like me too. I'm relaxed and laid back and I really feel fortunate to have my friends and family (wow is that cheesy!). I feel like i am living my own life on my own terms. My dad did tell me that some rabbi told him that I would be engaged by Pesach- I'm not holding my breath.