Today's Playlist

Never met a girl like you before- Thanks Lilah
I write sins not tragedies by Panic at the Disco- in honor of Sally's VMA performance
and unfortunately- ain't no other man and sexy back - i heard while working out this morning.
I am going to try to go sleep now as I have my first neuropsysiology class in the morning. It doesnt feel like the first day and I don;t have any of the excitement or anxiety associated with starting a new program because I have been in this school for 2 years in some capacity. I think I need to start my applications to other programs. I want that new experience.
Other random notes -
week down on the diet and 2 consecutive exercise days- yay!

It was good to be at the bone marrow drive today, I haven't done it in a while and I forgot how good it makes you feel to volunteer when it in not in service of your career but just to help someone else.

Been dealing with a lot of friend's drama- it is entertaining at times (not when they are hurt) and I like it that they confide in me but I also feel somewhat helpless as I can't realy make them feel better. It bothers me that they are hurt but then I get concerned that it should bother me more. I really am that neurotic. And I feel inadequate at times.

hooking friends up is a weird thing, i want my friends to like each other and i think all my friends should meet but I dont neccesarily want them to establish relationships that are stronger than the ones they have with me- I am not proud of it but I also know that it is a human impulse. In terms of dating it would depend if I really thought it might work- not that people ask your permission

Excuses, excuses

I know I have been a lax blogger of late but I have really just had too little solitude and too little introspection- both of which are required for quality blog entry. I have also had limited sleep so I am going to go to bed shortly as I have a 6:30 swim date with Aunt Karen - also have had too little exercise. But I have been fairly good about taking vitamins and sticking to my diet.
A couple of random thoughts before bed-
1- Do i know my own worth and demand proper treatment? I am not sure. I think so and I think I am finally comfortable (more or less) in my own skin but I am not sure that I dont' sell myself short with guys- although giving and getting what you want (as log as everyone knows the score) doesn't fall under that rubric. On a related note, Seamus finally called back about a week and a half after I wrote him off- do I call him back? His message stated that he had been busy then sick then busy.
2- I have been trying to merge my public and private personas- I think it makes for a more coherent identity and makes me feel comfortable with myself but does that mean I am starting to give people access to intimate parts of me that they haven't earned? (see 1) Do I have to keep more private space or is this progress- I am not ashamed or disjointed.
3- I want people to read my blog (and comment) but I do see how it also limits me a bit as I can't always write about what I am thinking or feeling because it may have been triggered by someone else.
4- I am trying to accept that I am human - we alll are. We all feel things we aren't proud of, none of us are the best at eveything (rarely even anything) and we can't be perfect, we can't control our emotions and we can't even always be honest with ourselves (sometimes we don't know). We can't be everything all the time, we can be somethings all the time and some things some of the time and some things we can't be at all. I'm not sure this is making any sense- I think it does to mean - so I am going to put myself to bed now.
Emotional temp- Have been feeling fairly sedate and even keeled and quiet past few days- got a litle anxious today (mostly because I thought I should have and hadn't and perhaps because I wanted a reason to get some attention) but once I got some sleep I was back to sedate. It's nice not to anxious and unhappy but I also dont' feel energized and exhilirated either.
I have two posts that I have to finish from last week- hope to finish them tomorrow and return to more consistent blogging.

Sorry I've been out of touch

Lilah was in town for the past few days which was great but exhausting.

Song of the week

"finally get it together"
I realized this is not about me and someone else, i have been singing this song all week (and a lot of the month) because I am working on finally getting it (my life, my identity, me) together
Do I know who I am or where I am going or what I want? No, but maybe I shouldn't get all meta about it,

Positive Male Attention?

I was at "the room" tonight with Lilah and all of a sudden I feel somoeone grab me from behind and kiss me on the forehead. I turned around to face a total stranger who says to me "pretty girl. sorry". I guess I should have been really disturbed but I just thought it was funny and I was kind of flattered- I must be pretty hard up or demented. Maybe it is a result of all of my recent romantic rejection (people who I should have been rejecting- Lilah asked me what I liked about Jeremy and when I told her, she said that he sounded like a freak (perhaps I am just partial to freaks). I have made a commitment to myself to lose weight and put myself in a position to choose and reject, I am trying to look at verboten food as the self destructive force that it is, it feeds the least secure parts of me. I like me, anyone should like me and hopefully in a couple of months, anyone (and ones that matter) will see it. I went to DVG on Wednesday and I had lost 1 pound (of body fat) and an inch off my bust and an inch off my thighs. I made an appointment for 2 weeks so that I would be on a less intermittent reinforcement schedule. So far it is 2 days of diet, vitamins and real exercise. It's a step in the right direction. I am also using the possibility of seeing Jeremy in 3 weeks and RMDPHDS in 3 months as motivation. It might not be enough time to make the kind of difference that will make them eat their hearts out but I can pretend.
Maybe being thinner will make me feel cuter and sexier and more confident that I can attract a man's attention (a worthwhile man) - although I do think that i was getting there but maybe giving Jeremy a chance was more about being hard up adn less about being open minded. (So terrible when you deign to date someone and they are not interested, I think I thought I would "barter" my education for his financial success and fashion sense). Maybe being thinner will help me stop giving it away for free- like sending my blog to Tyson before I met him. I have to be confident that someone will work for it because it is valuable and if they wont' work for it, they are not the right one.
I think I am heading in the right direction- how far along the road will I be at my 30th birthday in 5 months? It would be great to be fit and have one successful semester of grad school behind me, have some source of income, be a trained rape advocate, have submitted applications to grad schools and be more comfortable in my own skin - working toward completing a triathalon in my 30th year would be awesome. I can do the swimming, I just have to train for biking and running.

Conversations you never want to have

1- I'm sorry you lost your little brother, his 6 week old baby is quite adorable
2- There are suspicions that your daughter may have an eating disorder
3- I think your boyfriend may be cheating on you
I engaged in the first conversation today, which I suppose is a good way to put the other ones in perspective. I have had the second one about 12 years ago with my friend's parents. I think they still think that I was fabricating it. I am not sure what they thought my motivation would have been. They assured me that if she had a disorder, her boyfriend would have let them know and taken care of her.
I think I have to have the third one.
I guess these awkward conversations are what prove your mettle as a friend. Who wants to prove themselves?

Quote from Mom

"you have enough crap in your life, I will do whatever I can to make it better" - while discussing buying a replacement car that I can't afford but she can

It's time

time to lose weight- when your therapist tells you it's time, it's time. he said that I have so much going for me and if I lost just a bit of weight then that wouldn't be an obstacle. He was really nervous about saying anything to me because of my history and he was concerned about how I would hear it.
I've been really horny lately- wow I really hate that word. I was out with Juliet on Sat night and I was totally in the mood to pick up one of the guys in the bar. That was pretty new for me. But I totally would have made out with this guy in the bathroom had he started talking to me before I was paying my bill.

After the storm

There is nothing on the horizon. It has been almost a week since my date with Jeremy so I think I can safely assume that I won't be hearing from him. It has been over a week since my last phone tag with Seamus and I have suspended my Jdate membership. I don't think online dating is for me, probably because I only get contacted by weirdos and then ignored by promising guys. I am not expecting a call from any guy and no one has called recently to set me up with anyone. I think a dating hiatus (self imposed or otherwise) may be a good thing. I may need to recoup some of my emotional energy and perhaps (more than perhaps, definitely) lose some weight so that I re-enter with more of an advantage- apparently personality and brains and cuteness aren't enough without the nice body. I've been thinner and haven't had more success but maybe if I am more confident, further along in my career and thinner than things will be different. At least that is what T2GT tells me and I am inclined to think he is right. I ketp telling myself that it wasn't so much how I looked but how I felt about how I looked but I guess it is both- you have to look good and feel good. I dont' have to be thin but I have to leave overweight behind- a couple of months ago I saw pictures of myself from last summer and I certainly didnt' think I was thin then but I was struck by how good I looked in the pictures. I guess I have to get back to there and then remember how good I look. I can be sexy and smoldering and attractive (so promises T2GT) I just have to buckle down and drop some weight. I have an appt with DVG tomorrow, I hope that helps me to remotivate myself. I am waking up early to swim with Karen and I hope by starting the day off right, I will continue moving in that direction (as opposed to Sunday and Monday - I exercised and ate junk). I know that it isn't the diet, it is me making a commitment to myself. I kept thinking that I would lose the weight when I was ready but I have to remember that just because I think I am ready the weight won't slip off, I still have to work really hard to get rid of it. I hope I am ready to be thin or thinner. I hope I can do this and stick to it and figure out who I am and what I want and who I want to be with and make progress with school and research and be well on my way by my 30th birthday. To do that I can't take days off like I did today. I can't reschedule research meetings or lab work. I think it is best to take focus off dating for a while and turn it back on me. Maybe then when I start dating again I can be sure that I am not scared of being in a relationship or letting someone get to know me or adjusting myself to fit them or screwing it up in some other way. I want to be confident that someone will pursue me, someone I respect and want will be proactive with me and will make time for me.

second installment of conversations about one thing (me)

convo with Joan- what makes people desirable- am i the only one who cares about accomplishments and do i have it all wrong thinking that i will be valued b/c i will have phd and movie credit and community respect,
what do people look for in another? What draws them to each other? I really don't know.

Revolution

I am going to try to stop thinking and just be. I am tired of trying to figure out who I am and what I believe it is probably time to try being myself with the analysis. I think my life is getting a little too meta.
I went rafting today with a bunch of friends and had a great time and swam a couple of miles in the river. I felt great and then I think I saw Jeremy in the car next to me and it affected me more than I would like. I don't even think I liked him that much on our date. He was OK- cute and nice but nothing that I would have expected and there were a lot of silences on the date. If I am honest with myself I knew that I wanted to see him again and I am not quite sure why. If I stop to think about it, I don't think he is what I want or that it was such a great date. I might just be horny and maybe I am not really looking to get married now. I may be looking for guys that I don't neccesarily think have long term potential. The good news is I do feel like I was myself on the date and while I may be thinking I wasn't pretty or thin enough for him, I haven't been doing that much second guessing on my behavior. Maybe I need a break from dating, maybe I don't have the emotional energy for this hyperdating. The benefits of volume is that it makes the individual dates less loaded and I can be more relaxed.
I am trying to remember all the guys that rejected me in some form or fashion that i got over. This week's guys aren't even the best of the bunch. I got over bigger fish, I will get over these ones - even if rejection isn't a lot of fun in the moment.
I should go to sleep, I am swimming in the morning and then have therapy, then a facial and then going to see a friend's artwork. I have tickets at 7:15 to Infliction of Cruelty (at the moment it looks like I have an extra ticket, as Seamus never called me back to let me know if he was interested and Casey never confirmed either- if you are interested in seeing it- it was one of the plays in the Fringe Festival that was featured in NYT- let me know.) I know I am lucky and I have a good life. I had a good weekend - spending time with friends, have some downtime, getting drinks with juliet, rafting, swimming- I am going to try to go to bed happy.
Oh and appropos of nothing, I have been sort of confrontatial in my recent dreams. And for soem reason Caleb made an appearance.

the ugly words

LONELY, NEEDY, PATHETIC
Why am I so afraid of these words? why do I think that if I say I want to be with someone, that I want to find someone to love, that I want to be in love, I am saying that I am all these ugly things?
I seem to think there is something desperate about admitting that I am not completely happy as I am, with who I am. I can be happy with myself and still want to be in a relationship- can't I? If I admit that I am lacking a romantic partner, am I admitting that I am lacking something else?

Jewish Guilt

Where did you go? I am writing this on Shabbat and I know I should feel badly about it but I don't. I can't way that it is a defensible decision to do what I want and the things that "mean something" to me. I know that my sister would think that I might as well be Moses Mendelsohn reincarnated. I guess I am finding that I am basically traditional and I think I am OK with it but I am not sure if this is where I will stay. And I have to wonder if my dad didn't care would it make a difference?

I go to extremes

Harry has said that emotions are like a rolling ocean. I guess I sometimes feel like my ocean is often at the mercy of a hurricane. the tides are high and low and the waves are Kahuna worthy.

I was talking to Lilah today about how I ca't do things or see things in moderation- dieting, my parents, men, myself. I either pig out (more frequently) or restrict myself - although I think I am getting a little better at that- marginally better. My parents are either these ogres who totally dont' get me or these supportive, wonderful people (they are more often the latter when I haven't seen them in a while). I seem to wear these magic glasses that flip from seeing things in black or in white.

Sometimes I think I am special and extraordinary- intelligent, fun, a good person and then sometimes I wonder and worry.

I worry that I don't know who I am- do I? I think I do sometimes- is that enough? Enough for what? It makes me wonder if I am ready to date, how can I date if I dont' knwo who I am or what I want or if it feels so malleable? Alternatively, maybe I shoudl be dating because it can help me think about who I am. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to get married.
The proverbial they say, be the man you want to marry (there are 2 interpretations; the feminist one and the one that is associated with dressing for the job you want). Who is that? How do I be the man, I want to marry when I am not sure who I want to marry? Is that stupid guidance anyway- should I just be who I want to be - whomever she is.

How do I figure that out? What do I really care about? What do I really value? I guess I want a life filled with work I am passionate about, friends whom I enjoy spending time with. I want to find a way in life that works for me, build a life that incorporates what I value about Judaism- I think the holidays and the community are important to me. Is that enough? I like being involved in the Jewisn community but it feels kind of false sometimes because I am at meetings with people who are commited to Judaism in a way that I am not and they assume that I relate to it in the same way that they do. It's weird because I respect these people and like being associated with them but I don't believe in all the things that they do- at least i dont' think that I do. What a mess!

Reassessing

There is this couple in my parents' community that I sort viewed as a cautionary tale. They got married when they were "older" and I had heard that she said that she never would have married him when she was younger. She is a very driven woman and he is more relaxed, small business owner, Mr Mom type. I always thought of her as I felt like I was getting older. I thought how I didn't want to settle because I just wanted to get married. I didn't want to relinquish my dreams of what I wanted for myself- would I wait all this time for someone mediocre?
After my date with Jeremy i realized that while I wanted to see him again, he isn't anyone I would have given the time of day to a few years back. I see that it isn't because I am willing to settle it is because I am confident that he doesn't need to represent me, I can represent myself. Also, I see how I might not have known what I needed when I was younger, even though I thought I did. So I may end up with someone that I never would have married when I was younger but that isn't neccesarily a bad thing, it may not be borne of a desperation to be married and a willingness to settle but of a more stable sense of myself and a better knowledge of what makes a marriage work. (Incidentally that couple seems to be really happily married)

What I like

Went out tonight with Jeremy (btw Harry, he may be able to challenge your title). We went to the beach and walked for about 3 hours. There were some silences but I had a nice time. I am remembering that a date can be worthwhile if you just have a nice time. Having a nice conversation with someone and getting to know another person has value on its own terms. This was a nice evening and we'll see if I hear from him again. It was comfortable and I was myself and I was honest and I think he was too. He is a nice guy and nothing I ever would have expected for myself but not totally unsuitable. It also made me put my evening with Tyson in perspective, I had fun and I enjoyed myself- that is true even if I never see him again.
I realized that what I liked about Jack, Tyson and Jeremy is that they are their own people and i felt like they were mostly honest about who they were. Also I think I liked all the ways they weren't like me- the ways in which they are self sufficient. It's really time for me to lose a whole bunch of things- like my sense of entitlement- I think I need to get a job, ok I know I need to get a job, it doesn't have to be something I enjoy but it has to be a way for me to contribute to my expenses. It would be great if I could get into a school that has a fellowship program but that will be a year away if ever. I can be busy and still have some kind of job. I should not be going from having my dad support me to having a husband support me. I also need to lose my impatience and need for immediate gratification. I think I am working towards balance. I hope so.
In other news- date 2 back on the diet and got a fair amount of exercise. Didn't get any work done but I am going in early tomorrow.

Searching for Partners in Crime

Classes start on August 30th (orientation is next week) and I have compiled a list of activities that I would love to check out while I still have some free time. There are a whole bunch of different things so read through the list and let me know if you are interested in any of them and we'll make a date. And of course I am always game for any adventure you may want to embark on.
Now through August 27th http://therealestate.observer.com/2006/08/theater-undergoes-freeze.html

Sept 8th, 5-10 pm http://www.nybrewfest.com/

August 24th at 6:15 Hermanas the Play or any other NY Fringe festival
The Infliction of Cruelty
Tuesday Club Productions
Writer: Andrew Unterberg and Sean McManus
Director: Joel Froomkin
Children of distinguished parents reunite to end a secret plan. A moment of hope is eclipsed by a shattering lie. Bright minds veer into caverns. Punishments reverse. Philosophies freeze into dogma. And the over-examined life becomes the life destroyed.
1h 50m Manhattan NY Drama
VENUE #12: The Players Theatre
www.theinflictionofcruelty.com
Fri 18 @ 4:45
Sun 20 @ 7:15
Mon 21 @ 7:15
Fri 25 @ 5
Sat 26 @ 9:30

HERMANAS
Changuitos Productions and Michael Cassara Productions
Writer: Monica Yudovich
Director: Claudia Zelevansky
Latin mothers: protective. Jewish mothers: overprotective. Latin-Jewish mothers: you’re screwed. The Hermáns, Jewish-Mexican sisters in Texas, share a roof, a Latin Lover and the mother of all madres…but how much is too much? Finalist 2005 MetLife Nuestras Voces Playwriting Competition
1h 45m Manhattan New York Comedy Drama
VENUE #16: Classic Stage Company
www.hermanastheplay.com
Sat 12@ 4:45
Sun 13 @ 7:15
Thu 24 @ 6:15
Fri 25 @ 10
Sun 27 @ 12
Or other fringe plays of interest

Rollerskating at Roxy on Wednesday Night

Movies I want to see- Heading South, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, Half Nelson, Conversations with Other Women, Changing Times, Scoop, Quinceanera, House of Sand

Also I want to see Bodies Exhibit at South St Seaport and would love to see Mother Courage in the park

If you are game for any of these activities please let me know

What a wonderful morning

Swam a mile in Aunt Karen's pool, played with Jamie (his new obsession is ears and while I am a big ear girl, having my nephew play with them isn't quite what I had in mind), spoke to BPD people and I am taking on another aspect of the project and they are essentially bumping me to senior staus on the project. I have to head into the lab shortly (first have to run some errands) to catch up before we run a subject tomorrow. I would love to get a pedicure before my date tonight. Other plans include compiling a list of all the activities I want to do before school starts in 2 weeks. (and of course sending out an e-mail looking for partners in crime) I am trying not to let it bother me that Tyson "unclicked" me on jdate (and resisting to urge to e-mail him to be friends (and I do think I could use his help on my reapplicatoin essays and website) - even though I really would spend time with him on that level but I know that if I am potentially interested in something else than it is a bad idea and if he wanted to spend time with me, he wouldn't unclick me). Another one bites the dust - trying to remember that he is totally unsuitable anyway and at 29 I probably shouldnt' be pursuing flings or dead-ends - not like I am emotionally capable of doing that regardless of my age.

In other news- the promised recommeneded reading/authors (off the top of my head)- Julian Barnes, Po Bronson, Amy Bloom, David Sedaris, Lauren Slater, Augusten Burroughs, Emily Jenkins, "Einstein's Dreams", "Asylum", Jennifer Egan, Dan Savage, Marian Keyes, Anna Maxted, James Frey (I still like him), Chuck Klosterman, Caleb Carr, Sholom Auslander, Pat Barker, Margaret Atwood, David Eggers, "Life of Pi", Ricahrd Russo, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Alice Sebold, Marya Hornbacher, Jhumpa Lahiri, Zadie Smith- some authors are more consistent than others, there will be more later as there are plenty of other authors that I have devoured that I can't think of at the moment. Just started Deception by Philip Roth and I am liking it.

Contradictions, Complexities and Curiosities

-I am trying (I think) to lose my sense of entitlement but I am not quite sure where it came from and I certainly don't know how to rid myself of it.
- I was talking to my cousin about me, my relationship with my dad and who my dad used to be. She was telling me how badly he wanted to go to Brown and major in philosophy and how his parents were having none of it. He would go hang out with her and her hippie husband and smoke, drink and play his guitar and talk about wanting something else for himself, something he chose. In so many ways I am such a daddy's girl. I can be viewed as the manifestation of his desires taken to their logical conclusion and you would think that he might be proud of me that I have gone further with his dreams of establishing his own life than he did. Somehow it doesn't work that way. He wants me to be how he is now. He wants me to be this validation of his values and he can't see that I am just that. I am the validation of the values he had when he was younger.
- I can be so crazy sometimes that I was even starting to get paranoid that Tyson only contacted me on Jdate as some kind of social experiment. He is a journalist (although he is more interested in global politics) and I started thinking that he met me in order to observe the Modernus Orthodoxus. It reminded me of this odd thing that happened during college, my French TA emailed two of us in the class to ask our opinion about how he should handle some immature and disruptive guy in class. It was so inappropriate and weird that part of me thought that it was some graduate student social psych expt to see how we would react.
- How far am I willing to walk away from religious Judaism- what is important to me? How far am I willing to walk away from my family? Do I get to walk away from observance and keep my family? Do I want to? I should talk to Konstantin about this. It is weird to be so involved with the Orthodox community and building a name for myself as one of the future leaders of this community and I am not sure that I believe in the central tenets of the community. I think I believe in the community bc I think everyone needs something to belong to and I want to make a contribution and it is easier with a targeted audience.
- What kind of guy is my type? i think it is this preppy trophy and then I keep finding myself attracted to these bad boys. Shouldn't I be a little old for that? Are they really bad boys? Am I attracted to their confidence or the ease they have with themselves? And are they really that confident and comfortable- am I buying into it too easily or do I somehow really sense it. I remember Jack thought that I was confident and cool when he first met me and didnt' believe me when I told him that I was also neurotic. He did believe me later though.
-I like nice things like everyone else and I have been fortunate enough to become accustomed to a certain level of comfort but does money really matter to me? Could I be happy with someone who was successful but not wealthy? I don't care much for jewelry but would I be OK with not having any? How shallow am I?
jack- what did he like? why did it take me so long to know and did i screw it up?
- Am I drawn to these unsuitable guys because I am not really ready to get married? Is that why I keep cheating on my diet- Am I ready to be in a relationship? Do I want something fun and casual but I think I am too old for it or that I am emotionally incapable of pulling it off?
- Sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being different and sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being the same as everyone. Who am I really and who do I want to be?
- What is my impetus for taking this class at babeland? Is it my drive to be an overacheiver in all things including sex? Is it more currency with which to buy affection? Or do I just enjoy the activity?
- I have to remember that emotions aren't stable- good ones won't last forever just like bad ones won't last forever and as Harry said there are always rolling waves, they will come down and they will go up and they will vary in intensity.

e

I refuse to believe that the secret to happiness is low expectations, but it probably helps

Tonight my 20 year old super religi cousin got married. I have to say that I had a much better time than I anticipated and stayed much later than I had planned (mostly due to my ride not leaving until the bitter end.) I had a really good conversation with my dad's favorite cousin who happens to be one of my biggest fans - conversation was similar to the one I had with Aunt May last week, I danced with my little cousins (ages 8-4) and hung out with my family. I like these people- they are awesome and warm and they love me- even though they think I am a bit odd (perhaps more than a bit) and they are all wondering who (or what) I am going to bring home. As we were driving home I realized that I am happy. At least I think I am. I'm not entirely sure that I know how to recognize it. I have wonderful people in my life (becca and her sister spent their night searching for guys for me on jdate and contacting them- i'm kind of scared) and I am really lucky. I am excited and proud of the work I am doing- eating disorder film, school, bpd research, theory of mind research, rape advocacy program but really it isn't about that. At the wedding tonight I felt totally comfortable even though I was with this ridiculously religious crowd- I realized I am happy with who I am. My cousins were all bejeweled and made up and decked out and I came with wavy hair and some make up, no jewelry and a cute dress and heels (as Elle would say- you know you want to f--- me heels)and I felt like me, in this really good way. I was myself and relaxed and irreverant all night and it was great.
Day one back on the diet and I swam for an hour straight before I went to the wedding - which made me a little late for the wedding and also was the reason that I left my house with wet hair.
Other good news- We ran our first pilot for the theory of mind/perspective taking experiment and I think it went well. My meeting this morning went really well too and I really liked the person I met with and I think she will be a great addition to the film- I get wait to get started with the filming! Things are moving in the right direction and I feel like I am in control of my life.
Totally destroying everyone else in the dating tourney- have a date with Jeremy tomorrow night (third one this week- although I would prefer second dates with the guys I actually like), still playing phone tag with Seamus- he called last night while I was out with Tyson. I'm still as crazy and nerotic as ever about dating but I think I am getting a better handle on it. And when I get anxious, I try to go swimming. It helped tremendously today. I am trying to revive my mantra from two summers ago- Faith and Patience- I need to have faith in myself and stop screwing things up with my insecurity and impatience. I will wait to see if I hear from this week's good date and trust that if I dont' hear from him, someone else who I like will come along and like me enough to follow up (follow up on non-compelling guys who did call after the first date, I tried to set up RCPAS with someone else only to be told that he is dating someone else- as I suspected, it had nothing to do with me- I can't even credit him with good taste.)

What a bust!

So girls' night out was not exactly a success. I had a good time because I like my friends - the few that showed up. Miranda came on time and we waited at a lane and then no one else showed. Sally came with a friend later in the evening but she didn't want to bowl so we met her down the block for drinks. Had I not met Tyson there earlier in the evening I wouldn't have bowled at all - although considering my performance, that might have been best. I did have a bunch of apologetic e-mails in my inbox when I got home. I will have to decide if I will plan another one- perhaps the next one will just be a people's night out- perhaps roller skating at the roxy- any interest from the audience?
I should go to sleep as I have a breakfast meeting with a recovering anorexic who is interested in my project and then we are running a pilot in the lab tomorrow and I have a wedding in the evening.
If I get a chance tomorrow I'll finish my 2 lingering posts (from last week and today) and i'll post my recommended reading- all you readers can post your suggestions as well- this means you Casey, Harry, Lilah- etc- you know who you are!

Weekend Update

Lots of sleeping and recovering from car accident (see We all...) ...More eating than strictly neccesary (but lots of veggies)...Some swimming...Actually started and finished a book- for the past few weeks I have been reading lots of newspapers, magazines and beginning of books- took 4 books from aunt Karen and making my way through them- yay the return of reading Zoe, I miss her when she takes a vacay...Lots of playing with James...Some hammock time...Date with David (I am instituting new alias system for dates as per Harry's suggestion) - we went to the beach and just hung out for a bit. He was nice and it was fine. If he wanted to go out again, I would but I don't particularly care as it wasn't tons of fun. There is nothing really wrong with him- although I wasn't comfortable with a statement he made that was kind of racist. I don't anticipate hearing from him again, as he wished me luck with my car when we said goodbye. I am supposed to touch base with Jeremy to set up a date and Seamus (sounds Irish because his dad is Irish) - although I haven't heard from Seamus since Wednesday.

Random Truths About Me

Or Things I think are true
1- I am finally moving on from DWLI 3
2- I think I can actually do everything I need to do to get my Psych Phd. My role play for the rape advocacy program went well; I was reviewing one of my old Experimental Psych papers to show Holden's friend how to write a Psych paper and I realized it was pretty good, the survey I am writing on BPD is going really well and I am getting good feed back.
3- I can be proactive, impulsive (need to reign that in a bit), engaging and entertaining- I think I am moving away from the buying affection dynamic.

We all think that people operate the same way that we do

So Lilah was right- perhaps I should pay a little more attention to the road and a little less to my coffee (in this case Spoon's superb iced mocha (20th between 5th and 6th- I may have to stop getting them to atone). Friday morning on my way to the lab (early!) I was blinded by the sun and didn't see a red light and collided with a car service who was making a left hand turn. About a minute after the accident (both my air bags deployed) both driver jumped out of their cars and started making calls- I called my dad, who asked me if I called Liberty Mutual so then I called them. I didn't even speak to the other driver and was just trying to give all the relevant info to the person on the phone. As I am standing there, I see this elderly gentleman hop into the back seat of the very banged up car service. I was pitying him that he was so removed from reality that he didn't realize that the car wasn't going to be taking him anywhere that day. One of the witnesses then informed me that the man had gotten into the car so that he could claim that he was a passenger in the accident and that he was injured. I couldn't believe it. The previous night I had been talking to Sarah about this guy we know and she was saying that she didn't believe any of his stories as they are just too fantastic. I had told her that I didn't think to question him because I don't make up stories. I may exegerrate or emblelish and I certainly engage in the odd white lie production (especially with my parents) but I am not really a fabricator. I was telling Sarah, that his stories must ahve been true because he had produced some proof and Sarah responded that people who lie are always 4 steps ahead of you. This conversation reminded me of an encounter a few years back with another "friend" who was manipulating me and I couldn't see it. Sarah and Lilah had to point it out to me. Lilah told me that I didn't recognize it b/c while I may be manipulative at times, it is in a totally different way and mine is usually motivated by self-preservation. I didn't think that this "friend" would lie to me in the way that she did simply because I wouldn't have lied to anyone like that.
I don't mean to imply that I am some paragon of forthright interactions. I think I am paranoid about people doing certain things because I know that I would do them.

10 (or as many as I can think of) things I hate (and 10 things I love)

10 Things I hate
1- Being the oldest. Well, hate may be an overstatement but sometimes I really do wish I had an older sister.
2- When people think that if I am being friendly or nice it is because I am trawling for dates.
10 Things I love
1- Pilates (when I do it)- shoot, it's been SO long
2- My mac- I have become one of those people
3- Iced Coffee
4- Setting people up for dates, friendships, jobs etc.
5- Entertaining/Social Organizing/Party planning (Elle, I want to plan your birthday and Joan, I want to help you plan Bobby's party)
6- Playing with my James
7- Living downtown
8-Finishing (or even making progress on) sunday times crossword
9- hearing about some movie or play on NPR and then going to see it (esp when it iis just as interesting as it sounded)
10-People who believe in me, particularly those who believed in me when I didn't, like TFGT and my advisor in college- if i ever write a book (and i hope that i do) i am dedicating it to them, they have helped me get to where I am today. Also my family who loves me even though they REALLY don't get me and my broken girls and boys (you know who you are and you make me feel less alone in the world)
11- Days when I dance along to the radio (like today)
12- When my mind is so full that I can't type or write fast enough and I have to take notes as I am driving.

Potpourri

I have to be up early as I have to be in the lab at 8 tomorrow. I figured I should check in on the blog since I found time to check out guys on jdate even though i should be sleeping. Still in PMS mode - at least in terms of eating. I have to get back on track- or I have to get my period so maybe I will stop if I lose my excuse. Today wasn't terrible, I made some good choices and had some produce and protein but I made some bads choices as well. Hopefully tomorrow will bring better things.
Things at the lab are going well and I got a lot done today and then I started looking at websites for the schools that I think I will re-apply to, as of yet none of them are available. The first application goes online August 14th- I think I am going to try to get the annoying busy work part of the application out of the way before school starts. I have to contact the schools to see if I need to re-apply or if I should just supplement my last application. If I could do the latter, that would be great.
Yesterday, I didn't do any reading (I justified it by saying that I don't have to start reading for class before it starts.) I didn't exercise or go to dinner with holden. I did babysit for James for 4 hours so Sophie could study and I did visit Becca. I went to bed early (with a little help from ambien) instead of going to a party with Elle. Earlier in the day when we discussed it, I was excited to be social and I was feeling good about myself but after I overate at my aunt's house when I was supposed to be exercising, I just vegged in front of the TV and slept by my parents. Not a stellar day- but not tragic.
I love my friends, I hung out with Elle and had dinner with Sarah (who is sleeping over tonight) and I was thinking that I love my Elle and my Sarah and my Becca (who I am going to spend the weekend with) and I'm lucky to have them in my life and I know that it is because I deserve it. I guess a lot of my friendships are like my mutual admiration soceity with Harry.
Tommorrow I hope to finish my 2 drafts -entries that are a little less mundane.
Dating update- Going out with RTSS on Sunday night- we had a brief and uneventful conversation tonight, my cousin gave my number to RCS (random caterer set-up) and informed me about it after the fact and I have been playing phone tag with RLS 4 (i think we are up to lawyer #4) whose last name is the same as the last name of TGT 2 (the second good therapist). As my dad said tonight it is quality not quantity- let' s hope there is quality to be found.

It was not just a singing but also a dancing along to the radio drive home

That is a good mood. That is a "it's great to be alive" mood. I'm not sure where it came from. It wasn't a great day. I was ready to go back to bed (or back home to HBO on demand- new episodes of Oz are up this week) for most of the day. I didn't get a great night of sleep last night and it was a couple of snoozes morning but I showered and got myself out slightly after 8. I stopped at the market on my way into school to pick up healthy snacks and also picked up pretzels crisps and halvah, which aren't unhealthy but aren't exactly on my diet. I ran into a distant cousin and it was great to catch up, she told me that I look great and so cute, with my own style. That was SO nice because I felt like I got dressed really quickly this morning and I didn't really feel like I made an effort to be cute. After that I felt cute, I realized I was wearing a cute sweater that coordinated with my cute belt and I have sexy red toes. I stopped by Sophie's house to play with James for a minute and then went into the lab. I started the day off fairly well and I did some work on the survey I am writing and I e-mailed it to the appropriate parties and that was the last productive thing I did for a while. I just was ready to go home, I kept looking at the clock and assessing if I would make it home before the end of alternate side parking (oh the joys of street parking in NYC). I spoke to Joan and she asked me if I was down and I said I was just tired, both were kind of true. I stayed in the lab all day but I got very little done, I had a couple of discrete duties and I took the initiative on a couple of small tasks and did anything that I was asked to do but I had mostly checked out. I attributed it to PMS, which I think is true, I don't keep nearly as good track of it as I should. I took Midol from Meredith and used it as an excuse to eat excessively. After school I picked up dinner (including fries and onion rings) and took it over to Simon's, ostensibly to keep him company after his surgery while his roommate is away on business, but mostly because I had nothing better to do. While Simon was doing some work and I was watching SVU (it is my new obsession since I interviewed -and was accepted- at the rape advocacy program) in the other room, I was text flirting with Pacey and he invited me over. I decided that I wanted to go and I have to say, it was the best hook up we have ever had. It was fun and casual and we were both into it and I left feeling cute and sexy and desirable and I could see how having a FB could be good for my "regular" dating life. I had left a message for RTSS this afternoon offering to plan our date on Sunday as he seems really busy and I would rather plan something fun than do something lame, i told him to tell me a timeframe and I would take care of it. When I left Pacey's i had a message from him that he was returning my call and I could call until 12 (it was 12:30) or we would speak tomorrow. I smiled because I felt like my offer had been interpreted in the spirit in which it had been offered. Perhaps (just perhaps?) I am reading too much into a pleasant, short message. But I see how the way I feel about myself affects the way I perceive my interactions with others and I am starting to trust that if I offer something from a confident, breezy place, it will be seen that way. I don't know if it was Pacey or RTSS or the conversation i had with Aunt May on my way home (see below), but I drove home smiling, singing and dancing (with no regard for the perceptions of the other anonymous drivers). I thought about how excited I am to start class in a couple of weeks and training for rape advocacy in a couple of months and to have dinner with Holden tomorrow night. I also felt realy sick from all the oily food and I felt newly commited to my diet and made (mental) plans to exercise (perhaps swim) tomorrow at Aunt Karen's. I am not going into the lab tomorrow and I hope to see Becca tomorrow afternoon and to do some reading in the morning. I have a paper for lab, journal article for Sinai and one of my textbooks for next semester. I hope that I make inroads with some of them before I head over to Becca's. My original plan for the day was Oz and ice cream and I hope that this mood stays with me through the night and I spend tomorrow reading and writing in a local cafe and exercising and hanging out with people I love. Since it is pretty late now and I have to wake up pretty early on thursday, sleeping late is also part of the plan for a successful day.
Re- conversation with Aunt May, I'll try it as a dialogue as per Harry's suggestion. I had filled her in about everything I have been up to and we had also been talking about the kinds of communities that I would and would not live in in the future.
AM: You sound happy, I love hearing you happy. It makes me happy to speak to you when you are doing well.
Pause
Me: I think I am happy... I am excited about the career path that I am on, I like the work and I think it is meaningful. It took me a while to get here and G-d knows that I doubt myself a lot but I think I am doing well.
AM: You sound like you are comfortable with yourself
Me: Y'know, I am. And I have to say that it has been making dating much easier. Even if I don't like the guy or he doesn't like me, it is a much more enjoyable experience when I am feeling like me.

RCPAS Update- When I didn't hear from him yesterday, I thought that perhaps I wasn't going to. Which was apparently too much to hope for, I got a message from him while I was in the lab. After talking to Sophie and deciding to bite the bullet rather than live with this pit in my stomach, I called him back, but got him machine and then my phone died and I didn't get his return message until after my assignation with Pacey (he charged my phone for me as we have the same brand).

13 (or less) conversations about one thing (me)- first installment

1 & 2 -Conversations with T2GT- It was my first appointment in a while as he had been out of town for the traditional therapist summer break. So the appt was an attempt to catch up on my life in the past 3 weeks. In the course of our exchange I told him that I know I am not certain about things and I think it is jsut part of me, and not neccesarily a bad part. My uncertainty leaves me open so that I can discover new things and regardless of its effects on my life, it is who I am and I think I am ready to start embracing it instead of rueing its existence.
We also discussed my previously mentioned tendency to overschedule myself and how it is a symptom of my sense of entitlement- I should work on that.

3- Conversations with Harry- Tonight Harry asked me if I think I am trying to marry up. Do I think that I only like the guys that are out of my league. I hope not. I dont' think that I am too cool for school and I think that I have an accurate sense of my league, as it were. I hope that I am dating and aspiring to guys who are in my league. I know that I sometimes doubt it but I think I am getting over it. I think part of what is helping me get past it is recognizing that I think my friends are pretty terrific and I seem to belong in that league and I would be happy dating someone from their league as well. How are leagues established anyway? What would be considered marrying up?

4- Conversation with mom- My mom made some comment about how I don't care if the guys I date wear kipas- I just let it go. I am not going to deny something that is true and I am not going to defend my position.

5- Conversation with Rach- I tried to get a bunch of downtown folk together tonight for bowling (I ended up eating dinner at Harry (see above convo) and I met his friend Duncan (while I don't think he was interested in me, I do think I made a fun impression. I was relaxed and confident and I think that I was entertaining. - didn't hut that Harry told him that I was really smart; Harry and I have a mutual admiration soceity going.) Anyway, Rach called me to tell me that she was coming and thanked me for being the social organizer and I realized that I only longer care who shows up because I don't do this to make myself feel popular and I don't care how it makes me look or how many friends I appear to have- ah progress.

6- Conversation with RTSS- Spoke with Random Thoracic Surgeon Set up last night. It is so weird to have these conversations with men that you dont' know and attempt to be known and get to know them in turn. I don't know who he thinks I am but I am fairly certain that that person doesn't bear a passing resemblance to me.

7 & 8- Conversation with Facialist and Waxer- Love, love, love my new facialist. She takes her time and there is a lot of extra neck and arm massaging. I understand that she is trying to make me feel good but she told me that she can tell that i am a hard worker- I told her sometimes. I guess that is accurate. I would like to think that I am but I can't say that it is entirely true. I dislike the waxer and will not be going back to her (although she is not the one who burned my bikini line, I guess if you think the wax is too hot, you should speak up). I hate when the waxing ladies yell at you for your deficient grooming, do they really think that will make you come back. Particularly since I wax on a regular basis and have for close to 15 years and she asked me if I shave and then she asked why I have so many ingrown hairs- as if I have commanded my hairs to turn inward. I don't need to pay you to help me feel badly about myself and my appearance. She also yelled at me for jerking during the pedicure, which I clearly would not have done had she not been poking at me. (OK that wasn't a conversation about me as much as it was a random rant).

9 - Conversations on Jdate- in the broad defintion of the word conversation. I edited my profile and attempted to contact some men- so far no responses and I am not holding out much hope. What is particularly sad is that I look really cute in my pics (even though I would have to lose 10-15 pounds to look like that now- which I would start freaking out about were I ever to hear from anyone semi- decent, as in not 45 with 3 kids and a divorce on the way)

Good Night and Good Luck (to me)

I have been at home (at my parents) since Thursday night which generally doesn't do anything good for my blogging or my diet. I am going to try to go to bed early so that I can have a productive day tomorrow. I would like to get back to Dr Vitamin guy diet that I have abandoned since Wednesday and get back to exercising (at least I did that today) and I would like to get work done on both research projects and get a pedicure.
I think it's over with RCPAS, I met him tonight for a movie and I just couldnt wait to get home. He kept trying to touch me and I kept moving away (I had told him on the phone earlier today that I needed to slow down). I am not attracted to him, I don't want to spend time with him and I realized that I don't even want to be friends with him. He is perfectly nice and I am perfectly not interested and that is OK. I dont' have to like every guy who likes me, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't like guys who like me but I hope I can find one with whom the liking is mutual. I don't think this is Groucho- maybe it is, maybe I convinced myself I didnt' like him because he liked me but I don't think that is it. Elle told me that he is really eager to get married. I don't think it has anything to do with me, he barely knows me. I realized how hard it is to be with someone whom you aren't interested in. I want to be nice but I don't want to lead him on and I am not actually interested in making conversation with him. I dont' think there is a right way. You can't win here. DWLI 1 went out on a second date with me after he had lost interest and he was perfectly nice and interesting but I could tell that he was no longer into it. He was a total gentleman and tried to show me a nice time and afterwards I had just wished that we hadn't gone out again b/c I felt like it was such a farce but I was dissappointed when DWLI 2 and 3 didnt' even give me another chance. I told Sophie and Alex that I would try to treat RCPAS like I would want to be treated and I don't think that i did, I could say it was too hard but that is just an excuse. I didn't want to and it makes me wonder if i am really nice. I am supposed to be a nice person but at times like this I doubt it. Anyone can be nice when it is easy and they want to, it is the other times that show who you are and what you are made of and I am far from certain that I am made from sterling charachter. I was also thinking about this in terms of being friends with people that I am not actually interested in speaking to or spending time with- is friendship sometimes an act of good will? I will try to check in more tomorrow, hopefully I will be less nauseous from food and well rested and feeling productive (perhaps even a little sore, I miss that. My old trainer told Joan that I was one of his hardest working clients and I kicked A--, I miss a--kicking Zoe)

Oops I think I'm a slut

I went out with RCPAS set up last night. We had a nice phone conversation and he seemed really nice. We made plans to go to the beach. I love the beach at night and it was so hot last night. The plans were relaxed and spontaneous and casual. We dressed for the beach and I picked him up after my SAVI interview. He is really nice and he brought drinks, snacks, water to wash the fruit, towels and beach balls. He seems to really like me. He told me how cute I am and he asked me when he could see me again. When we were lying on the beach, looking at the stars, he asked me if he could kiss me and I said OK. He was really into it and told me how much he wanted me and told me that I was a really good kisser. I was fairly indifferent. I didn't allow him to go any farther and I could have stopped at any time and quite frankly, was ready to stop before we actually stopped. He told me that he could kiss me all night. He is so nice and he likes me, although I told him that he doesn't even know me. He is a good guy and he wants a relationship and wants to commit to someone and seems to be someone who is willing to work on a relationship. We made plans to go to a movie on Sunday night and he called me today to check in and said he would call again on Friday. I know I should like him but I don't. When I spoke to him today I was ready to get off the phone the whole time and I don't much care if I see him on Sunday or if he calls on Friday. He is exactly what I think I should want, he is intelligent and cultured and ambitious and hard working and responsible and so nice and I am bored and indifferent. It's like Harry said (see what women want)women say they want someone to treat them well but then they like the guys who treat them poorly. RCPAS (he is actually some kind of analyst, he just got his CPA so that he would always have a back up)is really into it and clearly spoke to people at work about our date (he called me again later in the day to ask me the breed of dog we saw on the beach as he was telling people about it)and instead of thinking about him, I am still thinking about DWLI3. It is so messed up. Do I not respect anyone who wants me? Am I still a member of the Groucho club? Do I just think he is ordinary? Am I not excited that he likes me because I feel like he doesn't know me? That doesn't seem quite right because I would be excited that he liked me if I liked him too.
Years ago I overheard DWLI3's ex talking about how she is always attracted to these guys who are larger than life and it never works out very well. Is that my problem too? Am I still looking for a trophy boyfriend to validate me? I honestly don't think so because I think I am finally feeling confident enough to recognize that I can stand on my own. I am excited about my school and work at Sinai and training for Rape advocacy program and moving forward with my Eating Disorder project and I think I am fun and I like my friends. I don't think I am looking to be validated by someone else. I felt like I made a breakthrough last summer when I dated Jack because he was not a trophy boyfriend and I really liked him. He was completely different than I expected and I would have dated him. I realized that I represent myself just fine, I don't need anyone else to do that for me.
Why don't I want what is good for me? Maybe there just isn't real chemistry with RCPAS. It is not that I am not particularly interested in what he has to say, I am also not particularly interested in what I have to say when I am with him.
Yesterday a woman from my neighborhood called to set me up with RTSS (Random Thoracic Surgeon set up) who is 35- that is about the sum total of the information I have about him- I told her that she can give him my number.
I am going to give RCPAS a chance and see if I start to like him, i know I should like him, I think he would be good to me. We'll see how it goes.

Another night, another date

Spoke to RCPAS and he seems nice and fun and reasonably intelligent. We are going out tonight so I will have a better idea in about 12 hours.

Not much to say

It was a pretty slow day. I didnt' really do much and I was supposed to meet Sarah but that didn't happen. I did hang out with Simon and he made me dinner (pasta with ketchup- totally verboten, the rest of the day I had been really good and then I had a bunch of M&Ms later) and we watched a movie. Pacey came by and then we went to his apt and hung out with his roommates until they finally went into their own rooms and then we hooked up a little bit. It was about the same as always and I knew what I was getting into and I just wanted to have some kind of something and feel sexual. My skills seem to be doing well and I like having the slightly raw feeling on my lips.
I should go to sleep as it is late and i have a full day at the lab tomorrow, a meeting at Sinai and then an interview for the SAVI program. Hopefully in the evening I will get myself to the gym. I may meet up with Sarah or Jesse or I may just drive to my parents to escape the heat.