I go to extremes
Harry has said that emotions are like a rolling ocean. I guess I sometimes feel like my ocean is often at the mercy of a hurricane. the tides are high and low and the waves are Kahuna worthy.
I was talking to Lilah today about how I ca't do things or see things in moderation- dieting, my parents, men, myself. I either pig out (more frequently) or restrict myself - although I think I am getting a little better at that- marginally better. My parents are either these ogres who totally dont' get me or these supportive, wonderful people (they are more often the latter when I haven't seen them in a while). I seem to wear these magic glasses that flip from seeing things in black or in white.
Sometimes I think I am special and extraordinary- intelligent, fun, a good person and then sometimes I wonder and worry.
I worry that I don't know who I am- do I? I think I do sometimes- is that enough? Enough for what? It makes me wonder if I am ready to date, how can I date if I dont' knwo who I am or what I want or if it feels so malleable? Alternatively, maybe I shoudl be dating because it can help me think about who I am. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to get married.
The proverbial they say, be the man you want to marry (there are 2 interpretations; the feminist one and the one that is associated with dressing for the job you want). Who is that? How do I be the man, I want to marry when I am not sure who I want to marry? Is that stupid guidance anyway- should I just be who I want to be - whomever she is.
How do I figure that out? What do I really care about? What do I really value? I guess I want a life filled with work I am passionate about, friends whom I enjoy spending time with. I want to find a way in life that works for me, build a life that incorporates what I value about Judaism- I think the holidays and the community are important to me. Is that enough? I like being involved in the Jewisn community but it feels kind of false sometimes because I am at meetings with people who are commited to Judaism in a way that I am not and they assume that I relate to it in the same way that they do. It's weird because I respect these people and like being associated with them but I don't believe in all the things that they do- at least i dont' think that I do. What a mess!
I was talking to Lilah today about how I ca't do things or see things in moderation- dieting, my parents, men, myself. I either pig out (more frequently) or restrict myself - although I think I am getting a little better at that- marginally better. My parents are either these ogres who totally dont' get me or these supportive, wonderful people (they are more often the latter when I haven't seen them in a while). I seem to wear these magic glasses that flip from seeing things in black or in white.
Sometimes I think I am special and extraordinary- intelligent, fun, a good person and then sometimes I wonder and worry.
I worry that I don't know who I am- do I? I think I do sometimes- is that enough? Enough for what? It makes me wonder if I am ready to date, how can I date if I dont' knwo who I am or what I want or if it feels so malleable? Alternatively, maybe I shoudl be dating because it can help me think about who I am. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to get married.
The proverbial they say, be the man you want to marry (there are 2 interpretations; the feminist one and the one that is associated with dressing for the job you want). Who is that? How do I be the man, I want to marry when I am not sure who I want to marry? Is that stupid guidance anyway- should I just be who I want to be - whomever she is.
How do I figure that out? What do I really care about? What do I really value? I guess I want a life filled with work I am passionate about, friends whom I enjoy spending time with. I want to find a way in life that works for me, build a life that incorporates what I value about Judaism- I think the holidays and the community are important to me. Is that enough? I like being involved in the Jewisn community but it feels kind of false sometimes because I am at meetings with people who are commited to Judaism in a way that I am not and they assume that I relate to it in the same way that they do. It's weird because I respect these people and like being associated with them but I don't believe in all the things that they do- at least i dont' think that I do. What a mess!
posted by Zoe at 3:48 AM
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