Contradictions, Complexities and Curiosities
-I am trying (I think) to lose my sense of entitlement but I am not quite sure where it came from and I certainly don't know how to rid myself of it.
- I was talking to my cousin about me, my relationship with my dad and who my dad used to be. She was telling me how badly he wanted to go to Brown and major in philosophy and how his parents were having none of it. He would go hang out with her and her hippie husband and smoke, drink and play his guitar and talk about wanting something else for himself, something he chose. In so many ways I am such a daddy's girl. I can be viewed as the manifestation of his desires taken to their logical conclusion and you would think that he might be proud of me that I have gone further with his dreams of establishing his own life than he did. Somehow it doesn't work that way. He wants me to be how he is now. He wants me to be this validation of his values and he can't see that I am just that. I am the validation of the values he had when he was younger.
- I can be so crazy sometimes that I was even starting to get paranoid that Tyson only contacted me on Jdate as some kind of social experiment. He is a journalist (although he is more interested in global politics) and I started thinking that he met me in order to observe the Modernus Orthodoxus. It reminded me of this odd thing that happened during college, my French TA emailed two of us in the class to ask our opinion about how he should handle some immature and disruptive guy in class. It was so inappropriate and weird that part of me thought that it was some graduate student social psych expt to see how we would react.
- How far am I willing to walk away from religious Judaism- what is important to me? How far am I willing to walk away from my family? Do I get to walk away from observance and keep my family? Do I want to? I should talk to Konstantin about this. It is weird to be so involved with the Orthodox community and building a name for myself as one of the future leaders of this community and I am not sure that I believe in the central tenets of the community. I think I believe in the community bc I think everyone needs something to belong to and I want to make a contribution and it is easier with a targeted audience.
- What kind of guy is my type? i think it is this preppy trophy and then I keep finding myself attracted to these bad boys. Shouldn't I be a little old for that? Are they really bad boys? Am I attracted to their confidence or the ease they have with themselves? And are they really that confident and comfortable- am I buying into it too easily or do I somehow really sense it. I remember Jack thought that I was confident and cool when he first met me and didnt' believe me when I told him that I was also neurotic. He did believe me later though.
-I like nice things like everyone else and I have been fortunate enough to become accustomed to a certain level of comfort but does money really matter to me? Could I be happy with someone who was successful but not wealthy? I don't care much for jewelry but would I be OK with not having any? How shallow am I?
jack- what did he like? why did it take me so long to know and did i screw it up?
- Am I drawn to these unsuitable guys because I am not really ready to get married? Is that why I keep cheating on my diet- Am I ready to be in a relationship? Do I want something fun and casual but I think I am too old for it or that I am emotionally incapable of pulling it off?
- Sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being different and sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being the same as everyone. Who am I really and who do I want to be?
- What is my impetus for taking this class at babeland? Is it my drive to be an overacheiver in all things including sex? Is it more currency with which to buy affection? Or do I just enjoy the activity?
- I have to remember that emotions aren't stable- good ones won't last forever just like bad ones won't last forever and as Harry said there are always rolling waves, they will come down and they will go up and they will vary in intensity.
e
- I was talking to my cousin about me, my relationship with my dad and who my dad used to be. She was telling me how badly he wanted to go to Brown and major in philosophy and how his parents were having none of it. He would go hang out with her and her hippie husband and smoke, drink and play his guitar and talk about wanting something else for himself, something he chose. In so many ways I am such a daddy's girl. I can be viewed as the manifestation of his desires taken to their logical conclusion and you would think that he might be proud of me that I have gone further with his dreams of establishing his own life than he did. Somehow it doesn't work that way. He wants me to be how he is now. He wants me to be this validation of his values and he can't see that I am just that. I am the validation of the values he had when he was younger.
- I can be so crazy sometimes that I was even starting to get paranoid that Tyson only contacted me on Jdate as some kind of social experiment. He is a journalist (although he is more interested in global politics) and I started thinking that he met me in order to observe the Modernus Orthodoxus. It reminded me of this odd thing that happened during college, my French TA emailed two of us in the class to ask our opinion about how he should handle some immature and disruptive guy in class. It was so inappropriate and weird that part of me thought that it was some graduate student social psych expt to see how we would react.
- How far am I willing to walk away from religious Judaism- what is important to me? How far am I willing to walk away from my family? Do I get to walk away from observance and keep my family? Do I want to? I should talk to Konstantin about this. It is weird to be so involved with the Orthodox community and building a name for myself as one of the future leaders of this community and I am not sure that I believe in the central tenets of the community. I think I believe in the community bc I think everyone needs something to belong to and I want to make a contribution and it is easier with a targeted audience.
- What kind of guy is my type? i think it is this preppy trophy and then I keep finding myself attracted to these bad boys. Shouldn't I be a little old for that? Are they really bad boys? Am I attracted to their confidence or the ease they have with themselves? And are they really that confident and comfortable- am I buying into it too easily or do I somehow really sense it. I remember Jack thought that I was confident and cool when he first met me and didnt' believe me when I told him that I was also neurotic. He did believe me later though.
-I like nice things like everyone else and I have been fortunate enough to become accustomed to a certain level of comfort but does money really matter to me? Could I be happy with someone who was successful but not wealthy? I don't care much for jewelry but would I be OK with not having any? How shallow am I?
jack- what did he like? why did it take me so long to know and did i screw it up?
- Am I drawn to these unsuitable guys because I am not really ready to get married? Is that why I keep cheating on my diet- Am I ready to be in a relationship? Do I want something fun and casual but I think I am too old for it or that I am emotionally incapable of pulling it off?
- Sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being different and sometimes I feel like I work really hard at being the same as everyone. Who am I really and who do I want to be?
- What is my impetus for taking this class at babeland? Is it my drive to be an overacheiver in all things including sex? Is it more currency with which to buy affection? Or do I just enjoy the activity?
- I have to remember that emotions aren't stable- good ones won't last forever just like bad ones won't last forever and as Harry said there are always rolling waves, they will come down and they will go up and they will vary in intensity.
e
posted by Zoe at 3:32 AM
1 Comments:
yes you should talk to me..but you should also remember that i am even more neurotic than you, possibly.
ha ha.
KMS
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