So today I sat on my closet floor for a few minutes..

There is a ton of stuff going on in my head and some stuff going on in my life. I actually just found my journal from about 3 yea/cors ago and I read up on what I was struggling with at the time- a lot of stuff about Caleb and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and trying to negotiate my relationships with family and friends. I was trying to figure out if I have grown up. In some ways I think I have. I think I have figured out how to be a better friend and I think I have a lot less anxiety about my relationship with my family. I'm in school now and I think I am on the right path- so I guess I am making progress. I'm on my way and I'll get there (I hope).
I was in NJ for Shabbat with my entire family to celebrate Konstantin's sheva brachot. It was really nice and I had a good time. I like my family. They are nice, warm people and they love me. The weekend was beautiful- like all of Karen and JR's parties. Watching Konstantin return to the fold and marry a girl who is really religious is weird for me. I want the family but I dont want to be keeping things just to belong. Do I have to? Can I belong as I am? I think so. I hope so. I wonder if life would be easier if I did want to lead that kind of life, a life similar to the ones my siblings and cousins lead. I guess I might feel differently, perhaps less confused and more comforted if I believed in God the way that they do. Do I want to? Assuming I could - which is far from certain.
I should be packing for LA and I feel really tired even though I napped this afternoon. I hope to wake up early to swim with Karen before my flight. I also want to blog about Myron, men in general, being attracted to inconsistency, my parents discussing Will's weight, my eating habits, school stuff, my friends. Maybe I will do that after I pack.

The Zoe Report- part 1

Tons going on- mostly in my head but some actual experiences.
Good news- I may have a full funded research/teaching fellowship for next 4 years- this will obviously guarantee that I get into the doctoral program next year. It would also give me health insurance. I am hopeful that it will work out. It is for neurochem prof who is religious guy and told me I am in top 10% of his class. He also told me that everyone gets their dissertation done in his lab in 4 years. I am interested in the questions he is asking but not super excited about hanging out with rodents but if it gets me funded and done in another 4 years, i'm all over it. Iam going to try to parlay the fellowship into parent funded travel this summer for a bit. I would love to go see Dani in London and Konstantin in Croatia. One of my SAVI friends is moving to FL and I would love to go down and visit her and get some scuba diving in. It would also be great to be able to take a trip with Lilah and there are those guys I have been intermittently in touch with in London and Tokyo but I think I should recognize that a long distance relationship may not be the best idea even if they are smart and cute.
OK I think I have to get work done in lab- more later.
Apparently I am attracted to inconsistent guys- that is really fun for me

Dreams..

They have been pretty weird recently although I suppose that is the nature of dreams.
1- My brother and I went to visit Arnie's family and he was home but ran away as soon as he saw me and wouldn't come back downstairs.
2- I ran into Caleb and we had this really odd interaction
3- I hooked up with this guy I know peripherally for years who I have never had any interest in
and still i am procrastinating. I might have been more focused before I found out I got 2 As on my other midterms but i studied for those so if I dont get my butt in gear I wont follow up with a third
No word from Myron-- I am trying to remind myself that I am not sure that I like all the things I know about him, forget about all the things that I don't. Is it his preceived disinterest that makes me interested? Am I wired to just perceive disinterest? Lilah had some really helpful and encourgaging advice yesterday and I have mostly been feeling a lot better about it- still have been checking my email and phone. anyway I could say more about it but then i will be able to say less about the visual system tomorrow

96

On my neurochem midterm!!! OK I need to know more than a 1/6th of the material for Advanced Physio tomorrow

Calming down the secret internal crazy

Remembering that this guy is not all that- he is just some guy I had fun with a couple of times. And I know that I get impatient and scared of ambiguity and miss waking up with someone, kissing them on the forehead and heading off to school. I studied (didn't get as much done as I might have liked) and came home to sleep in my bed as I am certain that I will be sleeping on Lia's couch tomorrow night (for about 2-3 hours). I have some data analysis to do for Sinai and I have two training sessions this week for SAVI and a couple of family commitments as well as tons of schoolwork. And I have plans with my SAVI girls on Thursday night and I know I will have a great time with them. I always do. And Alison and Mark are in town from Israel so I should make time to see them. I have a full life and I can make time for Myron if he can make time for me but if I can't see him before I leave to LA - it isn't a tragedy and we can see each other when I get back- or not. He is not the last oppurtunity I will ever have to date a man and honestly he was a mediocre kisser. Whatever happens with him I need to learn to be patient and relax and let things build slowly. All of the things that are easy to tell someone else and harder to do when it is you.

getting immersed in studying

and starting to relax again (well have test stress but that is a familiar friend at this point)

and ME emerges

Me not being the Me I love but the Me I love less. The anxiety ridden ME, the one whom I never seem to vanquish for long. The crazy ME that drives men away with my anxiety. The ME that loses faith in myself and the ME that gives power to men who dont deserve it, who haven't earned it. The ME who loses sight of myself. The ME who forgets that I am smart, cool and fun and that is true even if a guy doesnt see it and even if I dont remind myself. The ME who is so scared of rejection and uncertainty that she would almost prefer to be single because that she knows how to do and do well. I would almost prefer Myron to email me that he isn't interested in seeing me again. OK I have to stop thinking about him- I dont even know him!!! I need to get back to focusing on school. I can rock this exam on Wednesday and report on Thursday and reference list. I also applied for a paid research position at school in the substance abuse lab (working with animals).

The anxiety is starting to build

I am not sure if it is because of the upcoming Advanced Physio midterm, waiting on my neurochem grade (I missed him giving back the test when I came late to school because I was picking up my car- although I did get an A on my Research methods midterm) or if it is Myron. And I dont know if I really like him or I am bored or looking for a relationship or he becomes more attractive the less confident I am in his interest. Trying to focus on studying and getting all of my work done. Making some progress.

Weddings and dating and trying to hold off the anxiety

I am not getting nearly enough studying done for Wednesday's exam- I dont seem to have the same motivation when it is not imminent but it is pretty imminent now. I have to buckle down for the rest of the week and get all of the stuff I need to get done, done. Of course I would rather play with Myron. I dont know if I like him. I think I do. I feel comfortable with him and I'm attracted to him and I have fun with him. Obviously I dont know that much about him yet and he doesn't really know me and I'm me so I'm starting to get anxious about being rejected. I am trying to remember that I dont really care and I still may choose to reject him as I get to know him better. And I have to remember that even if he decides that he doesn't want what I have to offer, I still have a lot to offer. I have to maintain my initial confidence and try not to fall prey to the anxiety demon. I think I am doing OK. I think Myron is a contender but I dont think he is intimidating.
He initially decided that he was too tired to come to the wedding but I convinced him (tempted him) and he ended up staying for much longer than I thought he would. In fact, he drove me home. We snuck upstairs and hooked up a bit- only a bit, my clothes stayed on and his did too (mostly). I like how he was really comfortable and I think everyone who met him liked him and I was told that I looked gorgeous and that he was cute and that we looked cute together. I suppose at some point we should probably go on a proper date. Konstantin's wedding was beautiful- emotional and elegant and fun. I'm really happy for him and I had a great time. I imagine some people thought it was strange that i brought a date that wasnt' my boyfriend but I had fun with him and it was fair game for a study break.
In other fun news, my car was towed and I had to go to Brooklyn Navy Yard to retrieve it this morning.

Mandate

I invited Myron (i think that is what I am up to) to Konstantin's wedding. I am going to be all glammed up and it is going to be slammin' party. He is going to think about it and let me know on Saturday night. could be fun and interesting.

Procrastination

I should be going to sleep or studying - especially since I got almost no studying done today. I went to lab and class and got some work done but then I met Aurora for pedicures and instead of working until my "studybreak" at the dive bar I went to last week, I futzed around. I went with Juliet and Daryl and Scotty met us there. I invited a bunch of people and only these 3 showed- everyone else is lame! I'm kidding. It was fun. I sang a karaoke song all by myself but I didnt meet any new people (I did talk to one of the guys who was there last week) and I didn't really dance. I am going back with my SAVI women next Thursday so that should be more fun. Until then I have to get cracking!!
I had a date/practice interview with the guy from eharmony last night. It was fun. I am not sure when I have time to see him again. I need to ensure that I dont schedule a date for a time that I really need to be doing work. I liked him and I had a good time and I would have kissed hiim (that might have been the 3 glasses of wine). In some ways he reminded me of Jack. He is really busy also and I am leaving to LA soon so I am not sure when/if we will have time to see each other. I think he wants to- he told me to let him know when I had time and he did reference future activities but I know that it doesn't neccesarily mean what it sounds like it means- I have met DWLI (dude who lost interest) before so he might turn out to be one of them. I have to remember not to imbue with some importance that he doesn't have or didnt earn. I dont know him but I know me and I like me. It's good to remember that.

Status check

i'm tired, i'm stressed and i'm on call tonight (going on 2 hours of sleep) and have to be back at lab at 8:30 am and have tons of work but ... I think I am good. Someone asked how was I doing emotionally- I think good. I think I am happy.

Full blown study mode

thankfully drugs kicked in.
I studied until 8 am - slept to 12, showered and jumped right back in. I have taken 2 20 minute food breaks and a couple of minute long breaks (Iike this one) and then back to grindstone. I dont mind studying neurochem and i am learning but research methods is SO boring and I know tptshe conce but I have to study for his exam - based on his million pages of assigned reading.
Lia and I need to learn to study and not cram-- good luck to us with that.

Steroids - they are a beautiful thing

I am almost feel like myself and I kind of have energy - even in this terrible weather. I got stuff done at the lab, I got some work done at Lia's and cooked a bit. I hope to get a lot of my reading done over shabbat and then going to Lia to study for the rest of the weekend. Not a fun weekend but hopefully productive. Relatively good news is that these midterms are only 25% of my grade. Hmm- kind of tired from being out until 3 and then studying until 5:30 and getting up at 8 - maybe i'll take a nap before dinner.

It's all about the potentially addictive drugs (not really)

So I went back to the doctor and got more meds- different antibiotic and steroids. Hopefully I will be feeling better soon! I hear the steroids will give me energy but wreak havoc with my apetite- great.
In other news- I went with Juliet to see Spring Awakening tonight (we bought tickets weeks ago before I realized it was midterms and I would be sick). We were thinking of cancelling but we decided to go. And then once I was out I went to meet up with the SAVI girls and I just got back now. Really smart- I hope to be able to get work done tomorrow as I am not sure if Sat night and Sunday will be enough time. I guess it is for the best that I didnt' end up making plans with the tourists I was flirting with at the bar tonight. That guy was so cute- but it would not have been good for my studying if we made plans to go out on Sat night. I probably would have kissed him tonight if there was the right oppurtunity. I had such a good time tonight. I forget how much fun I can have going out until I do it. I actually got up on stage and sange karaoke tonight and people told me I was good (granted it was after a few drinks). Any Thursday night that any of y'all want to go out, let me know and I will take you to a really fun dive bar for beer pong and karaoke.
Random Jdate dude (don't remember what name I gave him) called yesterday and I didn't call him back. He is 38 and not religious- clearly this isn't going anywhere, I can meet him and maybe have a good time and hook up with him but while that might be fun, it's not what I am looking for and really dont' have time for that right now. I really should be focusing on midterms, papers and catching up in lab.
I didn't really get dressed up tonight (no make up, ponytail, jeans, t-shirt and hoodie and my hot pink Uggs) and while I had a really good time and I danced (without being self-conscious) I can't help wondering if I would have gotten further with Matt (random Ohio tourist) if I was thinner or more dressed up. I may also have gotten further with him if I wasn't paying more attention to his brother until I figured out that he had a girlfriend. I did see how Lois is right, being friendly and warm and having a good time helps you meet people- I met a bunch of people tonight but I wonder if I was hotter or more dressed up or thinner would one of the guys I met asked for my number (not that it would get me anything other than an ego trip and maybe a hook up - but is there really anything wrong with that? ) Two or three of the other girls definitely gave their numbers/emails to guys. All I have to show for it is hair that smells of smoke as Matt was a smoker (as was cute Dubliner that I flirted with a bit after he left)

Taking Attendance

In my lungs--
ME: Stuff
STUFF: Present
ME: Great
Heading to class to be a coughing menace- a joy for all the other students

I am SO done with this

I woke up coughing at 5 am and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I am getting better but s-l-o-w-l-y and I hate it. I really just want to be better and I know that it is going to take a while. At least I am not tired and lethargic all the time (in class yesterday everyone commented that I am starting to look and sound like myself again) but I really just want clear lungs and a good night's sleep. I think I am going to just take a shower and start my day.
Good news- I read my Research methods text before falling asleep last night (at 2 am- why did I wake up at 5?)

Gearing up

For midterms-- I need to get my butt in gear. I went back to school today and went to lunch and after-school drinks with my school chicks. I had sheva brachot for my cousin which was nice but I got NO work done. I have two midterms on Monday and 2 paper outlines due next week. I think I am going to need to hibernate and study. Once I get into a groove, I kind of like it and I like mastering the material. So i'm going to go and get some reading done and hopefully get some sleep as I have lots of school and lab work to do tomorrow.

Start to resemble productive

Sort of.
Check-
I cleaned my room and my apt and got some work done at Lia's today and walked back and forth (about 28 blocks each way). N No check-
Did not make it to gym with Sally (slept through it as I didn't sleep last night) - didn't catch up in the second class that I have tomorrow and didnt' do any of the textbook readin.g.
I had a really good time with the girls this weekend. Went to Chloe and Anne's for shabbat (Sarah went as well) - and we gossiped, laughed and ate way too much. It was relaxing and so much fun. We went to dinner on Sat night and I may have coughed so hard that I threw up on the table. I guess I'm not quite better yet.
I have 2 midterms next monday, sheva brachot tomorrow night and tickets to Spring Awakening with Juliet on Thursday so while I was tempted to make plans with friends for this week, I realized that I have to study. I was going to schedule dates with random jdate and eharmony guy but I think it will have to wait.
Hopefully I will be able to get to sleep tonight- or if I can't maybe this time I will do something productive (unlikely)
In other news-
-I would like to get some play- it's been a while but I dont think that it is going to happen anytime soon.
-Chloe gave me a pair of hot pink Uggs that I love- they are so adorable and really me.
-walking around my hood on a beautiful day reminded me how lucky I am to live here.
- I saw the pics from Will and Meg's wedding and I look good in most of them (no one looks good in all of them)
- I have to start eating better- I had a yogurt for breakfast/lunch and then gnochi in pink sauce and creme brulee for dinner. I would like to wear my gown (from will's wedding) to Konstantin's wedding in 2 weeks and I am NOT going to do lemonade diet again.

Catching up- quick and casual

For the past couple of nights I have had a lot of trouble falling asleep. Of course I dont use that time productively- to study, clean my room etc. I have been surfing the net and wasting time.
I am trying to remind myself that I have the capacity to be amazing and I should expect that of myself and work toward that and expect that in a partner. I really shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about guys in my past who weren't amazing (for one reason or another) or checking out other guys on jdate who dont seem that amazing either. Sam and I were "talking" earlier today about meeting someone organically- I really have to start getting out more and looking and feeling cute regardless of my size. And I should focus on school and my friends and having a good time and working on things that are important to me.
In other updates- Will's wedding was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed myself and just got into and was excited to see how extraordinarily happy he was and is with Meg. I felt good about how I looked- the dress, the hair, the make-up it all worked. I saw a few pictures and thought I looked cute and then saw a couple of pictures and thought that I looked pretty but fat. I got a lot of compliments about how I looked at the wedding.
Trying to eat healthy food- it's going OK but not great- exchanging email food logs with Sam. I have to start exercising- (mom agian offered to pay for a trainer) I made a date to hit the gym with Sally on Sunday- i'll keep you posted.
Flirted a bit with Pacey today (online and text)- I think he asked me to participate in a 3some. Also have emailed a bit with Isidore this week (see men who are not amazing) and have been IMing with this guy from e-harmony. He seems nice but I dont think I am feeling it.
I got angry today about the whole school situation. Meredith asked me what I am planning on doing and I said I was waiting to see what happened with the waitlist and she suggested that I assume I am not getting in and plan for that. She was saying if there is really where I want to be, I should make myself a better candidate- how? By getting an A in neuroanatomy? by volunteering as a rape crisis counselor? by working in multiple labs for long periods of time. I think I didn't hide my annoyance that well. I really haven't been thinking about it. My first reaction was disbelief. I thought it was some effin joke and then when I got email from T2GT with permission to cry, I did and then I was just busy being sick. (I did email everyone I could think of at school to ask for help and guidance). I think I have just been hoping it will work out because I believe that I deserve it - I worked hard for it.
Starting catching up in lab today, went to class, helped prof with a project and went to Lia's to catch up. I cancelled my company for shabbat and rescheduled them (Jesse, Lia and hubby, Sean and Kim and Harry) for next week and am going uptown for girl's PJ weekend instead. I didn't think I was up for entertaining quite yet, even though I hoped I would be.

I miss..

Arnie- which isn't even true because I don't know him. It's been so long and the time we spent together was so brief and there was the whole getting my car towed fiasco and his crazy family history and I know we wouldn't work- our lives wouldn't fit -- but I miss the way he thought I was beautiful. Told me I was beautiful. I miss the chemistry that we had. I miss feeling like someone wanted me that badly and we just had to attack each other in the car or elevator because we couldn't wait to get into the apt - staying up to all hours hooking up with someone even when I knew I had to wake up early in the morning (and I did wake up- I miss that too, pulling myself out of someone's bed, kissing them on the forehead and then heading to class). I guess I miss feeling connected to someone. Caring about someone and I guess I just miss intimacy. That was nice.

starting to get back to my life

i like my life- i like my friends, i like being in school- and i'm pretty good at it. i like my apt (first time being back in 2 weeks)- i have to go to sleep so i can keep up with getting back to life.
made plans to see simon, sarah and casey and i'm trying to catch up on my schoolwork with lia. and made plans for shabbat meals.
a diagnosis and medication- it's a thing of beauty.
going back to the lab tomorrow and have some sinai work to email in as well.
i had some really weird dreams when i was sick- like marrying carl (halfway through the wedding i wanted an annulment)
hopefully now that i am approaching health i'll start blogging again
i never talked about school or the wedding or anything - i haven't thought about anything other than how really awful i have been feeling- hopefully i can emerge from this sickness cocoon and re-engage with my life (warts and all)

Recovering Really slowly

currently have no voice- i do miss speaking and breathing. finally made it back to school yesterday and today but I haven't started making up the work I missed. Hopefully i will be able to talk soon and I will stop coughing until I gag. This is so much fun. I suspect the lingering of this illness may be due to the fact that I killed out my immune system in my digestive tract with the lemonade diet.
I even went to the doctor this week to learn that he couldnt' do anything for me. I would like to get back to having a life - i miss that.