Update- score pretty low

well depends what is being scored-
work done- zero points. I did clean and organize my room and helpe Dahlia donate her stuff (I drove here) but did not get ANY studying done- shoot!!! And still not getting any done. I will read at least one article before going to bed!
if I score other things- like things I love- socre is really high
I love my apt, my neighborhood, my Gracie (was SO good to see her today), my Holden (had awesome talk with him today for the first time since he left to Israel two weeks ago- that kid is a part of my soul), my SAVI girls (including Dahlia), driving next to the water on a pretty day singing along to CD that my prof made me (it really helped when I was lost for 2 hours while driving to pick up Dahlia and her stuff), my school friends, neurochemistry (which is why I have to go do work so I can get to bed and not sleep through class tomorrow). I need to really focus now and all week especially since I am on call tomorrow night.

To Do Today

Maybe if I write it down I will commit to getting it done. We'll see if this works. I really need to read some if not all of the articles for my paper. Thus far I have read 1.5 of them. (I read one while I gave blood on Thursday night so I felt super virtuous ;)
I need to score test that I ran on Sarah last night. (I also have to write up report but as it is not due until Thursday at 7 pm I will be impressed with myself if I score it). I told Dahlia that I would help her move (and apparently I need to cheer her up as "hot guy" broke her heart. she left early when we went out on Thursday night so that she could celebrate his birthday with him) and I have dinner plans with Gracie at 6:30 in her apt. If I cleaned up my room that would be good as well. I guess best use of my time would be to clean up my room and shower in the hour and half that I have before I have to leave to meet Dahlia, hang out with Dahlia, park myself in some starbucks on UWS and read articles between Dahlia and Gracie and then score test after dinner. If I get to more articles after test is scored that would be great but I am not counting on it. At some point today or between classes tomorrow I have to review for the presentation that was postponed last week. Tomorrow I have to help out with poster presentation in lab between classes as well. After classes I MUST finish reading articles that I didnt finish today and at least outline my paper- which may not happen as I am on call for SAVI. I really hope that I dont have to go into the lab on Tuesday as I will have to write my paper and I have to rock this paper as the midterm in this class was less than stellar. I also have to write up report on Sarah for psychodiagnostics (thanks again sweetie for helping me- I so appreciate it) which is due Thursday and I have a date on Wednesday night. We are going to see a movie at Tribeca Film Festival (I also bought tickets to go see Last Jews of Libya next Friday morning and to see another film on Sat night before going to Jesse's party and then Dani's party-- if anyone is interested in going with me. let me know. I bought 2 tickets for each without any idea regarding who will come with me)
I know I haven't written in a bit and this post is just scheduling info but I have been pretty busy. Thursday I was in lab and then had lunch with Carrie and then had class. After class I went back to lab and had to run out in middle of a project (dont worry I completed it Friday am) to donate blood, then went to dinner with RLS (random lawyer set up) 2 from this past summer, and then to karaoke with Dahlia and Bjort (Scotty stopped by). Friday I was in the lab and then visited Jamie, Adam and Sophie and took Jamie on a walk (to the liquor store) and had company for Friday night dinner. Sat I just slept, hung out with Edie, Stella and Sarah and walked around the Village and then ran test on Sarah. Oh after karaoke I ended up sleeping over at Orson's house (I think I am up to norman)- he is jdate dude that I met a couple of weeks ago right before I unsubscribed (he is not Norman who was misrepresenting, boring loser who provided impetus to cut out of jdate). He is sweet and our hanging out as been cute and innocent. I was supposed to seem him again last night but really didnt' have any time and I clearly dont have time this week. I think I am not going to hang out with him anymore, even though he is adorable, I dont think it is going anywhere (I know it isn't it never was). He is interested in shabbat and services and stuff and I may invite him for those things but I hope that the date with Philip will go well on Wed (our phone call was fairly promising) and my cousin gave my number to Quincy who may also have potential. I want to focus on dating with purpose and I cant sleep over (even full clothed and totally innocent) at Orson's and then go on a date the next day with Philip or Quincy or anyone else. I think I figured that I could do it until someone proved to have real potential (at least someone I would see again) and that it might help relieve some pressure and anxiety and maybe I could have if I had time. I can't compromise my work or sleep or anything like that (or even give up hanging out with my friends) for Orson or anyone like him. And while dating random guys from jdate or eharmony adn corresponding with people who contact me through friendster or myspace (I only met one of them) might have help a certain amount of appeal it's time to stop. For one thing I know what I want and this isnt' in service of that goal and furthermore Sarah pointed out that I have been lucky thus far, all of the guys I have met have been relatively normal and nice but my luck isn't going to hold out forever. OK time to get started on my day....I'll check in later to make my progress

All grown up

Today I am 30 years old- psychologically that is. Since I have been 30 for about 4 months, I am kind of excited to be catching up. I feel like I am ready to do adult things and I feel like I know who I am and what I want. It's pretty great. I would love to know what is going on with school but I do know that one way or another I will get my PhD in psychology. I dont know the where, how and when- but the what and who are indisputable. I am living a religious life that fits me and I dont feel bad about it. I dont even think I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore. I am starting to feel like I know what I think about things I care about and I dont have to care about everything or know what I think about everything. I like my life and my friends and my community and I feel like I am doing things on my terms. I would like to be in a relationship, I want to be commited to one person rather than have the fun and excitement of dating (although I went on a date this week and it was nice and have another guy calling me and spoke to yet another and the possibilities are fun). I am ready to give up infinite possibilities for one good (not perfect- that doesnt happen) reality. And I am hopeful that I can find someone who appreciates me because I have been feeling like I appreciate myself and I know my worth and what I want. Apparently this is what being an adult feels like. It's pretty good. I think I like it and will try to keep this up.

OH....

got my period today. That explains a lot- like why I was in such a foul mood yesterday, why i've been feeling fat and bloated, why I have been eating a ton, why i was so horny yesterday, why stomach was hurting today, why i've been tired and not focused. Took some midol, I hope I will start to feel better soon. I really have to start paying more attention to when I should be expecting my period.

hate the uncertainty

Today I was getting so annoyed while in lab. I think I am just getting upset about not hearing from school about next year. I hate this uncertainty and I haven't even been told when I can expect to hear. I ended up cancelling my trivia night plans with Daryl and his girlfriend, I just didnt feel fit for company. I went over to Lia and Pete's and they took care of me and after a couple of glasses of wine, I felt much better.

Random thoughts running through my head

Happy Birthday Simon- sorry I didn't make it uptown last night. (tonight). I ended up gettin drinks on my corner with Harry and a friend of his.
I totally need to get to bed- I have a lot of stuff that I jotted down in class. Some of which I worked out with Lia and Joan and some of which I should probably figure out.
Need to get into healthy lifestyle.
I got back neurochem presentation grade A on one part and A+ on the other. I really need to start working on WAIS III and Advanced Physio paper. Tomorrow is a lab day and I need to get work done.
i started making some notes for my essay on bulimia. I am not that I have as much to say as I thought I did. It seemed like more in my head.
Didn't go to cousin's engagment party in Monsey tonightt- not feeling as bad as i thought I might about it. not sure if that is good or bad- only a Jew feels guilty about not feeling guilt. Thanks mom.
I have been obsessively checking email to see if I have heard about school (a few sources told me that they should be making a decision shortly). I think that I have done whatever I can at this point. I asked all of my connections/profs who like me/researchers I work for to put in a good word and they have (some did before I asked) I really want to get in and I really want this fellowship. It would be really nice to feel something resembling settled.
Question - does practice make perfect when it comes to dating?

Weekend update

I had a really nice if unproductive weekend so far. Sarah came for the weekend which is always great (she is coming back next week!). I ordered dinner from this amazing and inexpensive mexican place - i dont think I am ever cooking again. Jesse, Scotty, KIm, Sean, Harry, Sally,Lia, Pete and 2 other people came for dinner and it was really nice. Unfortunately I ate and drank so much that I woke up sick the next morning and couldnt' go hear Pete read Torah like I said I would. I just spent the day with Sarah and we walked around the village. I love that I live here. It is so nice. Lois and her friend drove in for Simon's birthday party last night and they picked me up on their way in. We had a nice time at the party and Simon was trashed which was adorable (he offered to kick Arnie's butt to make him deserve me if I tell him who he is- he only knows about from blog, I didn't realize how skewed a person's view of my life might be if that is their primary source of info on me). He also told me that it's good we didn't hook up because it would have destroyed his world. Not sure what he meant by that.
I woke up feeling a bit sick again, I totally shouldn't have had 4 am falafel even if I flirted with random cute guy at the falafel stand. I have Jamie's birthday party this morning and 2 engagement partys later on (Anne and my cousin) and Lia and I have a presentation due tomorrow and I have outline due for Neurochem (at least that is about halfway done).

Stop talking about me at these parlor meetings....

It's amazing how I identify with the way our survivor speaker and mental health profession were speaking on Tuesday night. Well not really amazing since that is what makes ita a disorder with a classification and diagnostic criteria. It is not just the symptoms that are shared, it is a shared pathology of disordered thinking. The survivor was talking about doing things in extremes and being clingy and depressed in high school, needing to feel different and feeling alone and different at the same time. She was talking about feeling like no one would love her and about her poor self regard and depression. Stop talking about me!
The mental health professional was talking about living a dual life and looking ok but being miserable and so distant from people. How can you feel close to people when you are so different from who you pretend to be and you aren't telling anyone. How can you not feel alienated if you are walking around with this secret?
I emailed a bunch of the people who are involved with the film project and asked them to write essays to share their experiences. I think it is time to share mine, albeit without my name.

Correlated?

Today was the first day that I was singing along with the radio in a long time- also first day in a long time that I swam at 6:30.

Surprise to no one

Daddy issues- they aren't over

Worthwhile lesson

Instead of going to sleep I went out with this guy from jdate and it was totally worthwhile because I think it cured me of jdate forever. People can say they are whomever they want to be, this guy hadn't lied but it was relying on pretty broad definitions. He was just boring and I realized that I am not boring. i am entertaining and smart and dude, work hard to prove yourself to me! Best bad date I ever went on. Also as I was talking I realized I really like my life and I like me. And then my brother called and I remembered how lucky I am, I have these awesome siblings and friends and I live in this great area and I like what I am doing and I am able to do other projects too. I know that spending time with some loser guy shouldnt be neccesary for me to know that but as Iong as I got there I'll take it. And hopefully the next time I am anxious about or preoccupied with some guy I dont know I will remember this and I hope it gives me patience to wait for a guy who is as wonderful as I am.

time to sleep!!!!

I should really get to bed. I didn't sleep at all last night. Cuz you know presenting on no sleep is a sound idea. I hope it went ok. After class I met joan for coffee and Elle for mani/pedis. I love my friends. I am really so lucky. skipped out on family dinner.

Last stop on the procrastination railroad

I really have to get work done as I have been avoiding it all weekend and I have exactly 7 hours until I have to leave to school with a completed presentation. But I felt like it was important to clear my head a bit first.
I spent the weekend sleeping more than I should and staying up later than I should and not getting work done or going out. I really didn't want to go tonight to the parlor meeting but I totally didn't have a choice. I am so happy I went (as I knew I would be). As we were educating this community about eating disorders i was repeatedly tempted to jump in and say "this is how it was/is for me". As I write this I am starting to cry as I think about all the ways in which we were discussing me tonight. The control, the stress triggers, using food as a stress release or affect regulator or feeling suppressor or to fill my up when I felt empty. And I was thinking about the comorbidity of bulimia and nymphomania (not that I think I am a nymphomaniac, exactly). But they are both borne of feeling empty and out of control and needing comfort or needing to suppress painful feelings or needing to feel something.
We were talking about the inherent dishonesty and secrecy, the need to be different. We discussed how this is a disorder that affects the best and the brightest. This is an illness for the overacheiver. And this is so related to poor self worth and depression and addiction and self injurious behaviors like cutting.
And I started thinking that it might be time to talk about it or maybe write about it in a more public forum. I have things to say and I hope my pain and experience can help others. Maybe I should write a piece for Jewish newspaper so people can know what their daughter, sister or friend might be going through. Maybe someone will recognize themself and feel less alone.
I think it was helpful to see that it is all part of this disorder - I'm not unique or special but i'm not alone. Lots of people go through the same things that I do.
It makes me sad that I am still dealing with this but pretending I am not doesn't make it go away. I want this to be productive, dealing with it, reflection rather than a destruction self rumination cycle.
I should really get to work, I am hoping that feeling empowered from going to the meeting as a producer of a documentary will give me focus and motivation to finish my presentation for tomorrow. Clearly I am hoping the rain will flood subway and school will be cancelled but I can't bank on that and I am actually interested in the topic. As I was driving Charlie to the meeting I was telling her about all the stuff I learned earlier in the day and it's cool. It is also related to the work I would be doing for the fellowship so I got more excited about that as well. Getting off this train at the neurochem depot.

Justifying staying home?

how do i feel my pain so i can learn from it? what is the good way to self-soothe as opposed to bad way. Is going out with friends, good. Is it better to try and feel it rather than just ignore it and make myself feel better? Talking about it, thinking about it, feeling it- good?
Going to sleep or drinking - not good- that much I know.
I don't know what is really the best thing to do long term.
I want to just stay in tonight and I am thinking about Myron and sort of just feeling the hurt- is this just being lazy and weak? Should I be forcing myself out? Or is it good to feel it and try to process it rather than just distract myself?
T2GT recommended lit search on attachment and sexual behavior- I hope to do that tomorrow- hopefully I will learn something. Maybe I will read Becoming Attached tonight.
Maybe I will get myself out later for Karaoke with the girls. I am also less inclined to go because I need to get to bank as I have no cash.
I know I am depressed and falling into my pattern of blowing off plans. I know i do this and I recognize what I am doing and know that it isn't an excuse but....

Crawling before I learn to walk

I deleted Myron's email address (although since like Arnie's it is his name, it is merely symbolic), his cell number from my contact list and call list, canceled eharmony and jdate and removed all past and potential FB from my AIM list and email list. Going to get myself dressed and go to dinner and then out with girls. Resisting impulse to stay in. Hopefully will be able to resist IF Myron calls me.

In other news...

Got nothing done today- I am going to Lia's as soon as they get home from services tomorrow and I have to just buckle down and work!!!
Totally feel like holing up on my couch and watching TV and going to sleep but I am going to make myself go to Sean and Kim's for dinner and then out with SAVI girls. I know that being with people who value me will make me feel better.
I keep thinking about the way Myron said he doesnt know what he wants and he is fucked up and I am sadly, so drawn to that, I feel like I want to help him figure it out. And I know that it is not emotionally healthy to want some who is emotionally fucked up and I know that I want to be thinking about someone who thinks about me. he is not thinking about me and won't be until he wants to get off (and maybe not even then).
Inner wild child has to be indulged in context of a relationship. i think i can sneak someone upstairs at my aunt's house but it needs to be my boyfriend, not a second date.
Need to relax. let go and stop trying to control everything

He is Just not that into me... and I am not into myself enough either

Myron didn't call last night. And then he was in neighborhood today and came over basically to tell me he didn't like me that much (phrased it differently of course) and essentially I told him we could be fuck buddies and we hooked up and he said he would call me later (for more of the same). After speaking to Lilah, Lia and Joan about it I have a few things to think about.
1- I still want to do this, as pathetic as that is, but I am really going to try not to do it. I used to want to make myself throw up- that was an addiction too. Just because I want something doesn't mean I should do it. This is not being strong. Welcome to self indulgent and weak and lazy and impatient and faithless.
2- He told me that he is incapable of getting hurt- and that should of scared me but I found it compelling. Also claims to be incapable of caring for someone else. I should be running for the hills- why am I not doing that?
3-I have stop being impatient, stop settling for feeling sexy and desirable instead of valued and adored, stop tryng to guarantee that someone will like me by hooking up with them (even if I want to- time to learn how to hold out)- let them get to know me and get to know them and we can both decide
4- Do I just want a fuck buddy or do I really hope that like Arnie we will feel connected to each other through hooking up? What do I want? Myron said he didnt' know what he wanted and responded that I didn't know either. Was I lying to him? to myself? In some ways I feel more like me and like I know myself and what I want better and in some ways I have no clue. Am I scared of a real relationship so I am pursuing this kind instead? If I am then what exactly am I scared of?
5- I need to believe in myself enough to know that someone will want to get to know me and will value what they find and will work for it and make time for it. No one is too busy to see someone they want to get to know.
And as much as I might want to tell myself differently (lying to myself - while I am very good at it- hasn't been serving me well) It's like when Harry met Sally- he just didn't want me.
6- Need to recognize and not justify rejection and then walk away. guys who are scared will have to be more scared to lose the oppurtunity to get to know me, guys who are busy will find time if they want to and no one takes dating so casually that they dont make any effort.
I can like him and he can not like me. It hurts - I need to feel it and move on instead of prolonging the agony. He is not the only guy out there. Not by a long shot.
I am humiliated to remember how I took whatever Caleb offered me and practically begged him to let me do it as I refused to acknowledge him rejecting me over and over. Walking away from him was one of the hardest and best things I did for myself- did I do it to get here?
time to think more of myself and have more faith and patience and self-worth.

ode to lilah- that is all about me

not sure i would be who i am without lilah in my life

Things I don't like about myself

I hate that I get jealous and competitive. I hate that I can't always be happy for my friends. I don't know what to do about it. If I feel happier and more secure is it better? I am not sure. This is pretty humiliating to admit

Things are looking good

First of all --Happy Birthday Lois!!!!
Good news- 19.8/20 on my interview report on Myron, AMAZING dinner with Sarah, registered to be an organ donor with halachic Organ donor soceity (HODS), had so much fun in class with my school girls, emailed the prof who has the fellowship and he told me to send him my grades and set up appt with his grad student (he is having 2 candidates meet with guy who would train new student) and email head of program to tell him i am being considered for the fellowship, emailed cute london guy to tell him I may come in june to see Dani and he told me to let him know when I will be there and we will meet up, printed out all the articles I need to read for neurochem presentation and scheduled work day with Lia tomorrow, hope to see joan tomorrow as well, made date with Carrie for lunch next week, spoke and texted with friends today, been emailing with another cute nice guy that I went out with last summer- it's just friendly but it's nice, made swimming date with Karen for wed and gym date with Sally for tomorrow morning, bought tickets for upcoming Air Guitar competition, have karaoke outing scheduled with SAVI girls this weekend, was offered play if I want it (i put it on hold)
Not so good news- 68 on Advanced Physiology (it is only 20% of grade so I can still do well in the class)- I did dream last week that I got 68 and that I got fellowship so hopefully I now have prophetic dreams).
Seems like things are pretty good.

Feeling good in the neighborhood

I'm home and it's good. Not super excited to have a presentation due but I will get it done. Getting back into class and hanging out at Lia's. Pedicures with Joan tomorrow morning before class and dinner with Sarah after class. Trying to see if I can do a normal (non-intense, non-impetous) relationship/dating. I am going to see if I can find out if I like Myron and be honest with myself about it and if I get hurt, I will survive it. I can decide I like him and he may not like me enough and it may sting but I am strong enough to get through it and I may decide that I don't like him enough, just because I may like him and I want to get to know him doesn't mean that I stop assessing him and my feelings. Not too much assessing- just trying to relax and see what happens. Try not to obsess or talk about it too much- just be me and get to know him and let him get to know me. Let's try being patient- it can't hurt as much as constantly making the same mistakes.

Back to leavened life, Back to reality

At the airport with my dad (solo flying with Dad- oh it's going to be a good time) about to head back to NY. Heading back to school in the morning as I soon as I get in. Vacation such as it was is over and now I have to start working on trying to get this internship, upcoming parlor meetings for ED movie, neurochem presentation and all the other fun stuff. I am excited to get back to my life and it was a nice holiday with the family. I got to spend a lot of time with Jamie and Adam and I got to know Meg. I should be back in LA in August and then October for family festivities. I feel like I have been pretty out of touch with my life. I miss my school friends and the Village crowd and my SAVI girls. I think it will be good to get immersed in school again. I will see if I hear from Myron but I am not really counting on it and I waver in terms of thinking if I care or not. Do I tell myself I don't like him because I think I won't hear from him or did I try to convince myself that I was more into him than I was because I had a good time with him. We didn't really connect and I am not sure he shares any of my interests - although I do think he is fun and interesting. I have to let go and just see what happens. I think I am going to cancel eharmony. I don't think that it is the route to go. I asked Will to ask his friend who knows tons of people from all over the place and happens to be the president of my fan club if he knows anyone for me. I think I will just go back to trying to get out there and meet people and trying to be proactive. And I dont think I will invite any of the guys on my flight to meet me in the restroom on the plane but you never know.

My kind of Self Improvement Reading

I haven’t been reading the Surrendered single because I decided I would rather read the Lobotomist (biography or Walter Freeman, surgeon who performed close to 3500 lobotomies between 1936 and his death in the 70s). Although my reading has been curtailed by hanging with siblings, River and my grandmother. She was talking to Sophie and I about her family and her experiences after the war. (I may have started tearing up). It was really good to get in touch with what an amazing person she is after days of being annoyed because she complains about random stuff or if getting older and more crotchety. She is this amazing giving person and it is hard for all of us to watch my grandparents get older and I think I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have them and I don’t stop to take advantage of it. I stopped using the shower upstairs (my grandparents’ shower) because there is a chair in the shower. I hate seeing this tangible sign that they are getting older and need more help and can’t do all the things they used to do (although they both still go to work daily).

I am starting to remember that someone would be damn lucky to be chosen by me and that I have SO MUCH to offer exactly as I am. No need to change to fit someone else, I’m really more than good enough exactly as I am. I like me, I like me a lot.
I like being Jewish because I like the community, history and tradition and I like feeling like I belonging to something. And I like feeling like I belong to my family and I am wiling to pay the price of admission because that is how you really feel like family. I was happy to cook and serve for holiday meals and when I came in last night at 12:30 and Adam and Jamie were crying I went to help Sophie and put Adam back to sleep so she could deal with Jamie and Alex could sleep. I like hanging with Meg and Will and helping her truly become part of our family. It’s really good. And I know that the price of admission may include being respectful of their religious practice but it need not include being religious in the same manner that they are. I was talking to River about being supported by my parents while not really being observant in the way they are and he said that my parents are not buying my religious belief. He’s right. They support me beause they can and it makes my life easier and enables me to pursue my dreams and they do it because I’m their daughter and they love me. They don’t do it to keep me in line. Which isn’t to say that it isn’t time to try to make a contribution to my income- I’m 30 and an adult and supporting themselves is what adults do.

Moon RIVER

Hanging out with River reminds me that I know exactly who I am and what I believe and that I am living the life I chose and I want. I suppose that can happen when you are catching up with a friend that you see about once a year, if it is a friend with whom you are totally honest and totally yourself. It was so good to see him and his hugs are always mad solid.

Embracing me (and my inner book nerd and slut)

I spent part of the day with Holden today, which was amazing. Being myself with him reminded me how compelling and interesting I am- without trying. I don’t have to assimilate other people’s interests; I have enough of my own. We walked to Barnes and Noble to buy me my therapy reading assignment- Becoming Attached, which wasn’t there but I had such a good time discussing books with him in the Psychology and Philosophy sections and he helped me pare down my selection (of about 20 books) to three books. I’ll review them as I read them. I got in touch with me, fun, interesting, me. The me who Holden appreciates (and not just because I am his sister). We were talking about my friend River who lives in LA who I am having trouble connecting with (he is really busy with work and his girlfriend). I was telling Holden that River is tough to see and his friends know that if you want to be friends with him, you put up with it, it’s just River. Holden asked the obvious question of why be friends with him- and I said I love him, he is my friend for years but also he is the kind of friend who we can talk once a year but then really talk. But really it’s because I like who he sees in me, he always had faith in me even when I didn’t, he really sees me and he sees me as I want to be seen. I value that and I know he loves me so I am willing to put up with River being River. Hopefully I will see him tonight. I will not be seeing Jack as he never responded to my text (assuming Gracie gave me the right number) “hey it’s Zoe Carrington, I’m in LA until Tuesday night and thought it might be fun to hang out. I seem to remember that you were a really good kisser.” Kind of forward but I figured it accurately represented my intentions. I am not looking to pursue a long distance relationship with him (which was the problem when we dated, if you can call it that). I just want to hang out and hook up. I guess that might make me a slut but I’m OK with embracing my inner sluttiness.

I would keep score if I knew the point system

This being strong- it ain’t for sissies. Just kidding—because I am not sure I have been doing it but I don’t think I have not been doing it. I’m just not sure.
Scorecard- Helped my brother in law with my nephew when I wanted to go to sleep, helped set up for cousin’s engagement party, interacted with guests at cousin’s engagement party, went upstairs to get book for someone when I was feeling lazy, didn’t eat cake when I was full, didn’t eat chocolate or candy before I went to bed, did eat A LOT of strawberry shortcake at engagement party, texted Jack in an attempt to make plans to hook up with him while I am in town – I am not even sure how to score it. What gets points, what loses points, what I left off the card that should have been there.
I had a really nice Shabbat, I hung out with my family and I had a good time. Tonight I just hung out with family in small and larger groups. Tomorrow is my last non-holiday day in LA.
I would like to get some work done but I still haven’t gotten any feedback on my references.
I would really love to get this fellowship. Then I feel like I would be a lot more settled. I would know where I would be for the next 4 years, I would know how I am supporting myself (mostly) during that time and hopefully at the end I will have my PhD, some publications and teaching experience. I am not sure if I can do anything to improve my chances. I don’t want to pester the professor but I want to ensure that I have made the best case for myself. Maybe I will research his publications and research tomorrow and then e-mail him about them and my availability and credentials. If this doesn’t work out I should really be looking for alternative sources of funding.
I think I should start training for a triathalon again (obviously need to work up to it) but I think being goal oriented will help me and I have been reading about the benefits of vigorous exercise. I want to exercise with a focus on health, fitness and emotional/mental benefits rather than weight loss. I want to try to eat better with a focus on health and not weight as well. And obviously I want to try to move away from emotional eating.
I was thinking today that my cousin’s wedding is in 4 months and I would like to have a boyfriend by then. I want to work toward having a set plan for school/work and work on myself and being healthy- mentally, emotionally and physically and work towards having a mature relationship. I am not sure how to go about this so all suggestions are welcome. Four months is both a long and short period of time- and I don’t expect to have a serious boyfriend, a boyfriend will do.
I should get to bed, I am going to read The Surrendered Single and see if that helps me on my journey and we’ll see if I hear back from Jack. I don’t have that much time to see him but it might be fun. I was thinking if I need to cut out hooking up (meaningless and that in the beginning of a relationship) as part of the pursuit of my four month goal- I am not sure. It’s 2007 I don’t think that hooking up with a guy means that he won’t date me, I have seen enough girls that have hooked up early on and married those guys. But is Lilah right, do guys only value what they have to work for? If I want it is that not reason enough to do it- is wanting it and fulfilling my short term desires a sign of weakness? Does it necessarily subvert my longer term goals? I really don’t know so all feedback is sincerely appreciated.

I make my own choices

I choose to be happy. I will enjoy myself this Shabbat and participate in my cousin’s engagement party with joy. I love my aunt and uncle and cousins and I am happy for them. I choose to remember that. I will enjoy the company of my family and I am going to have a good time. That’s it. I refuse to feel sorry for myself or any other emotion that is going to get in my way. I can have a good time this weekend and I will and I will do it as me. I will not pretend to be something I am not nor will I aspire to it. I am figuring out what fits me and I am going to wear it and wear it well.

I was IMing with Isidore last night for a bit and it was really all about him- he didn’t even make a perfunctory inquiry about my well-being. He apologized at the end and said this is how he gets when he is tired and hungry and I realized that is no excuse. Not when he does it and not when I do something comparable. Although I have to admit that I was surprised he even noticed that he was being self-centered. No loss there. Which makes you wonder why I am even in touch with him at all….

I know exercise is a really effective mood stabilizer but it is easier to take a pill so I have been doing that instead.

Day 2 of Strength Training

I am more aware but I don’t know if that counts as progress. I am not sure that I have done anything to build strength or overcome weakness or anything of the sort. I slept later than I have all week (until about 10 or so) and hung out with my family. Helped set up for my cousin’s proposal, helped set up for the engagement party tomorrow and attempted to buy glasses (the store was closed) and babysat for Jamie. Shoot- I forgot to make the calls for the parlor meetings for the movie and now it is too late in NY. And I can’t call Sunday and then it is more Pesach. OK I am feeling really unreliable. This is a great start. Oh and I ate whatever I wanted today – so not really an auspicious beginning.
I know I have to do things that aren’t easy for me. Studying- I know how to do that, being patient- not so much. I let myself get thrown by the littlest things. I have to be able to handle more and keep my stride. I forgot how inspired I am by a friend of mine. She has really legitimate excuses not to work hard but she has a graduate degree from an Ivy League university and she is engaged and has a great (important- in the helping the world and making a difference sense of the word) job. And I haven’t even been that good of a friend to her because I have been busy with school and being sick and justified not making an effort with her and not following through. And I guess I didn’t remember how much I valued her and how inspiring a presence she could be in my life so I didn’t make an effort and I am sorry. Being preoccupied with my own life is no excuse. Pretending that it is an excuse is really just self-indulgent. Facing what I was doing and apologizing meant accepting responsibility and I wasn’t looking to shoulder blame so I didn’t allow myself to really feel bad about it. Being flaky is not OK. If I can’t make plans I shouldn’t make them and if I have to cancel it is better not to try to postpone the inevitable and try to avoid disappointing people- they will understand especially if it is done earlier rather than later. And if I can’t be somewhere there is no point to go and resent it- either go happily and graciously or cancel with appropriate apologies and lead-time. I think I have gotten better about overbooking myself but not better enough. I can’t schedule tons of plans so I feel popular and busy and be unrealistic about my time management.
What don’t I like about myself that I can change? Who do I want to be? Who can I be?
My cousin got engaged today to a 19 year old and they came over and they are adorable and happy and I want that. Not to be 19 and engaged but to be happy and feel secure with someone else. I was thinking about Arnie again- but really I was thinking about me – what I miss about him and what I want—I remember when he told me that I was distractingly beautiful and I keep him from doing his work. I want to be distracting to someone (obviously it meant something from him because he was occupying my thoughts as well). I miss feeling connected and having intimacy with someone and having someone think about me when I am not there. I want that. And I want it with a good man. My cousin who is my age is getting divorced from a man who apparently never treated her very well (and he is the one leaving her and her 2 children)- I don’t want to be in a lonely relationship or be with someone who doesn’t really see me. Although I am not sure how I can expect someone to see me when I am not sure that I really see myself.
I’ve been happy. I am not really sure how I got there and what happened to that state. Which makes it really difficult to figure out how to get back. I am not miserable and I have enjoyed parts of my trip. No misery, no real joy, no drama- how very boring. How very real life, I suppose. If I were strong, what would I do? It might just be time to figure it out. I’m fucking 30 years old and this is my life. Is this what I want my life to be? If not how do I get to where I want to be? I thought that parts of my life were what I wanted but now I am not so sure. It might be harder to piece this together when I am somewhat removed from my life in LA or that might be exactly the right time.
Honestly part of me wanted to tell Lilah to go fuck herself last night – that I am fine and happy and I do like myself. I am in grad school and I love the people in my life and my apt and I am a good person and I treat people with respect – so leave me alone and stop fucking projecting. Stop talking to me like I am a child or like I am your patient. But I couldn’t deny that I was crying and that I wasn’t feeling like I was happy and I liked myself even if I did feel that way a week or two ago. What changed in the past couple of weeks? I shifted the balance of power with Myron (away from me). She questioned my hooking up with him- was it what I wanted (I thought so) or a way to buy affection and even if it is what I wanted was it in service of my long term goals? I was strong with him – until I wasn’t. I was distant and put myself and my life first --until I didn’t. And not because he earned it; it was just because I liked him. I thought I had enough to offer without trying and I was worth waiting for and I could be unavailable and difficult because I wasn’t really interested in him and I had to focus on my life but then I liked him and I got impatient. And I don’t know if he is worth it- not because I suspect he doesn’t like me enough but because I don’t know him well enough to make that kind of judgment. I don’t know if he shifted things or too much family time shifted things. I was feeling securely attached to my family- I realized I was connected to them even when we were too busy to speak and we were seeing each other less frequently and then I started seeing them again all the time. I love them and I do feel like they love me for me but it gets hard for me sometimes. I am not sure why but I suppose it is comforting to be with them so being like them seems tempting and it seems easier. And that seems to get me in trouble- things that seem easier.
So the challenge is to like myself enough to expect people to take me or leave me as I am but still recognize the need to grow and change and attempt to do that as well. I suppose that growing up can make you more likable to yourself and more secure and then less affected by people accepting you and therefore less malleable and amorphous.

Recently the first good therapist emailed me to tell me that she was thinking about me and that she knows things will turn out for me because she always believed in my stars. (I have mentioned recently how much I love her and how much she helped me?) I want them to work out for me and I think I have to work on making sure that my stars are aligned rather than waiting for them to figure it out on their own- it’s been a long time waiting. If it’s not working it is probably time to shift the game plan.
Ok I think I am starting to bore myself, there is only so much introspection one can stomach in one sitting.

If I ran the circus...

Which just sounds more interesting than if I were strong… I was talking to Lilah tonight about the things I need to accept or change about myself (damn those alcoholics and their serenity prayer). So at the top of the list- was strength. I need to stop being weak and lazy and self indulgent and take responsibility for my life. Set boundaries between me and other people. Define myself and my goals and make decisions that are in service of those goals. I think I have been having trouble knowing what I want – or I have decided not to know because if I don’t know then I don’t have to sacrifice to get there. What do I want? How do I get there? Lilah tells me that I have to stop waiting to figure out how to be strong and just be strong. That is how I am going to get my life. What is my life? What would be different if I were strong?
What do I want for myself? What am I scared to give up to get there? Honestly right now I want to go to sleep and forget about this for a while but I know it is an escape so that I don’t have to feel or think about this and if I walk away from this I can’t figure it out and learn from it. What am I scared of? Am I scared to let someone in? What horrible things do I think they will see? I think that I make progress toward liking myself and then I’m here and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin and I feel the old self-loathing and in some ways it is worse because this is ten years later and I think I like myself better now. I think.
So what am I scared of? Being ordinary? Why? So what if I am ordinary—wouldn’t I prefer to be ordinary and happy? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe that is the problem.
What don’t I like about myself? I don’t feel like I am defined enough. I don’t know what I think about a lot of things. I don’t have opinions or well constructed views on many issues. I get petty and jealous and envious and I hate that. I hate that I am not more comfortable with myself or more secure. And I guess I really fucking hate that I am weak. How would my life be different if I were strong? I am not sure I know.
I probably would have to stop living off my parents. I would support myself because that is what 30 year old adult people do and if I want to be in school then I wouldn’t live in Soho or I would take out loans or I would also have a job and juggle more or some combination thereof.
I think that in my attempt not to offend people, I don’t always tell them what I think- sometimes because I am not sure of what I think and sometimes because I don’t think they will hear it or want to hear it. I think I avoid confrontation with people not to make them feel better but as a cop-out. I avoid things that I don’t want to deal with- and that isn’t strength.
I’m impatient- I don’t want to wait for things, I don’t want to earn them and I don’t want to suffer the uncertainty. That isn’t strength.
Things I have to give up- Daddy. It’s my daddy fixation that draws me to inconsistent men. It’s my relationship with my parents being played out again and again. I will never just feel loved with them, in some sense I will always feel like I am earning it and working for it. That was the attraction to Caleb and being with him would have been a lifetime of that.
Why did I like Jack and Myron? I liked them because I felt like they knew who they were. They were confident, secure and comfortable. And they were fun- they had interests that they pursued and were committed to like rugby and camping and other outdoorsy things. And they liked me as long as I was being myself and was comfortable with myself (as in before I liked them and got anxious and weird and started caring what they thought of me so I started molding myself to them). Oh and I was also attracted to them even though neither guy was “my type”. And I think I liked that they were raised religious and knew that world and valued the traditions but didn’t really observe.
I don’t like my body right now and I don’t want to do anything about it. I don’t want to count calories and give up things and slowly drop weight in some sustainable but unremarkable way. I need to start doing things differently. I sprint. I cram for exams. I go on a lemonade diet before my brothers wedding and after two dates I want to “break up” or be in a relationship. My mantra used to be faith and patience- now I am starting to think that it needs be strength and patience.
What do I want and how do I get there? Define myself and my goals and commit to them. I don’t have to be superwoman- the community organizer, the PhD candidate, the devoted aunt and sister, the welcoming hostess, the outgoing partygirl and the skilled hook-up, the well traveled and well-read intellectual, the loyal, thoughtful friend, the fun social coordinator and I don’t have to be perfect or an overachiever or anything other that whoever I need to be to be happy. Do I want to be on all these boards? Do I want to produce this movie? Do I want my PhD in psychology? Who do I want to be? I think I have finally figured out how religious (or not) I want to be. What’s next? What am I willing to work for? And what am I willing to accept? I want to like myself. I want to be strong and I want to be happy. I suppose that is really the crux of it- I want to be happy. When I am happy, I am comfortable in my skin and I am generous not petty and it’s easier for me to be secure and patient. What makes me happy? How do I get there?
Am I strong enough to let someone in? Am I strong enough to do that while maintaining myself? There was a list in Glamour of things to know by 30 and one was “how to fall in love without losing yourself”. I don’t even feel like I know how to fall in like without losing myself.
I used to say that I want to be the person that Alison thinks I am. Now I guess I want to be the person that Lilah thinks I can be.
I need to turn off my whiny inner voice and give myself a swift kick in the pants. Maybe it’s harder for me to be happy (as my mother once intimated) or maybe I give up too easily and don’t want to do what everyone else does to be happy- work at it. It’s easier to pity myself that I have to work harder to be happy than it is to work hard to be happy.
I’m exhausted and I want to go to sleep but I want to make sure I have worked this out as best as I can right now so that I won’t ruminate about it instead of falling asleep. I think I might be tired enough to fall asleep relatively quickly. I think I have covered all of the major points. I have to keep them in mind and see how I conduct my life differently and build strength just by doing it.

Working?

In starbucks in LA pretending to work on my neurochem presentation but I feel justified in procrastinating as I have not yet received feedback on my references from my prof. So instead I am returning emails and emailing with Lilah who is sitting across the table (actually working) and checking out the cute guy working at the next table. (Sadly he is not checking me out- which severely impairs my plans to hook up with him in the bathroom- just kidding, mostly).
I went with Lilah to see Music and Lyrics (under duress) and I have to say that I enjoyed it more than I expected (which is to say that I enjoyed it at all). Of course romantic comedies stir a desire to star in a romantic comedy of your very own. It's only in films that men find neuroses attractive.
Pretended to myself that I was going to pick up this guy at the next table- maybe another tiime... unlikely

Later that day...

What do I want? I don’t even feel like I know anymore. Gracie’s mom was friends with Jack (who was one of my best kisses ever) and I decided to text her to see if her mom was still in touch with him and if he was still single and if he is I want his number. I don’t think I want to date him but I think I would hook up with him while I am in town if we are both single. I have been in LA a bunch of times since we met and I am sure that he has been in NY and we have never contacted each other but I feel like maybe hooking up with him isn’t such a bad idea. I am not sure. It might be a really bad idea and I may not be able to be emotionally detached. In any event, I haven’t heard back from Gracie and chances are I won’t hear from her.
I want to the beach with Lilah today. I love walking on the beach. I feel like I am being quiet and withdrawn but I don’t know why.

Finding my words

Lilah keeps telling me to use my words but I’m not even sure I have any. I don’t feel like I know what I am thinking- well I just caught sight of myself in the mirror and now I am thinking that I am fat and blotchy. At least I am clean.
Where to start? My 22 year old cousin (maybe he just turned 23) is getting engaged tomorrow and getting married in August. His 19 year old sister is getting married sometime in the fall (not sure when she is getting engaged). Erin has started talking about dating and I think she will go out with the first appropriate, available guy. I’m the oldest grandchild and I am starting to feel like the single pariah. And I know that I am doing my own thing and I like my own thing, I like being a student and living in the Village and hanging out with my friends and I am not ready to be a mom and I don’t think I am really ready to be a wife but I want to be part of a pair. And I don’t know if I know how to have a boyfriend. I get so freaked out by the inherent uncertainty that I want to move on to being engaged or married or broken up- but I don’t really want that. I want a boyfriend and I want to be able to do that, tolerate the unknown and enjoy getting to know someone and hanging out with them and hooking up with them and seeing where it takes us. I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I don’t feel like I know where to start. How do I connect with someone else without losing myself? I keep thinking about Myron and I don’t even know him, I don’t if I like him and chances are even if I like him, I shouldn’t like him. I don’t know. I don’t know if he is unreliable or just doesn’t like me (or like me enough) or if he has the right idea—we’ve been out twice and this is casual and non-exclusive and there is no urgency, just take our time and see each other when we have time and see what happens. In some ways I think he has the right idea; wait before you make someone a priority in your life. Last week he told me to focus on my work and there was plenty of time for other stuff later. And he is right. I’m not sure if this is his attitude because this is the way he is, if this is the way he is now but might shift if we progress or he just isn’t that into me. And I don’t know if he is unreliable or just busy- and I am not sure the two are mutually exclusive. I may or may not hear from him but I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him until I am back in NY. I told him when I would be back and I guess I will see if he contacts me. I am not even sure that I should want him to contact me. I like him but it may be for all the wrong reasons. I bought myself this book- the surrendered single- on Monday. I am totally embarrassed to be reading a pop psychology self help relationship book but it did seem like it was addressing my issues. Issues like feeling the need to control a relationship by planning dates and not allowing myself to be pursued. I guess I don’t really trust that someone will pursue me.
While I am in LA I was perpetually torn- I want to be with my family but I want to be with Lilah. And I know that no one is putting pressure on me. Lilah understands the pull of my family and my family assumes that I will want to spend time with my best friend. I know the stress is all self- generated. I thought that I had gotten better about this and was able to appreciate how lucky I am to have these wonderful options but yesterday I just totally broke down in tears when I got into Lilah’s car (hence the admonition to use my words). I don’t know if it was too much Pesach, too much family/couple time, leaving my family who was all hanging out to go hang out with Lilah, the fact that I ran out of Prozac over Pesach and need to re-fill my script. This crying thing is becoming a regular occurrence- last Thursday night as I was driving to Meg and Will. Friday afternoon in my parent’s house, Monday to Sophie, Wednesday night to Lilah. I didn’t use to be this way.
I think it’s time to refuse to be miserable. I think it is time to remember all of my amazing friends and how lucky I am to have them. And I think it’s time to get my mother out of my head regarding body and weight and clothes etc. I need to stop valuing her validation of my appearance. It gives her too much power. I am crying to her about Myron and she is telling me that I will see what happens and to listen to her and Sophie as they have my best interests in mind and I can’t get all flustered after 2 dates, we’ll see what will happen (all true and crying may also have been related to getting my period a couple of hours later) but then she tells me that I may not want to hear it and she may sound like a broken record but I need to lose weight. Hearing or not hearing from Myron again is not about weight. I really don’t believe that is going to make the difference – of course when I am anxious that I haven’t heard from him I wonder if I was 10, 15, 20 pounds thinner would he be calling but I don’t really think that is what is making the difference. I went out on Thursday night in my jeans, heels and cute poncho from Lois and felt good and cute and I got a response (not from anyone I was really interested in but still I got a response). I know it is much more about how I feel about how I look than about how I look. On that note I should go get dressed to go out with Lilah so I can feel cute.

Unclench fists

This flight with my entire family is going to be hell. My dad gets stressed about making it to the airport on time and most of us have avoided flying with him since we were old enough to fly on our own. All of us, nephews, bro-in-law and sis-in-law are flying together. This is just not going to be fun. I finished packing and my dad wanted me to weigh my bag, generally I dont bother. I didnt' pack books or a lot of shoes and I figured I would be close enough. My dad made me get the scale and he weighed it. Apparently it was 1-15 pounds over. I took out a few things but then my mom wanted to know what I had packed and started going through my bag. I really felt violated. I knew I took too much but why does she care. So I take 4 shirts that I never wear. It's not a big deal. She started pulling out stuff and making me decide what to take. She made some snide comment about the jeans I packed - that god forbid I should go a week without wearing pants. It took me 3 times of telling her to leave it alone before she snitted off. Whatever I am shaking it off- or trying to. I think it is time to go to sleep so I can wake up and swim and still get home with plenty of time to keep my dad from freaking out. I havnet' packed books and stuff but I can always get that there- or take from Karen in the morning.
I know this week with be awesome and supremely frustrating- i'll keep on blogging (hopefully)