If I ran the circus...
Which just sounds more interesting than if I were strong… I was talking to Lilah tonight about the things I need to accept or change about myself (damn those alcoholics and their serenity prayer). So at the top of the list- was strength. I need to stop being weak and lazy and self indulgent and take responsibility for my life. Set boundaries between me and other people. Define myself and my goals and make decisions that are in service of those goals. I think I have been having trouble knowing what I want – or I have decided not to know because if I don’t know then I don’t have to sacrifice to get there. What do I want? How do I get there? Lilah tells me that I have to stop waiting to figure out how to be strong and just be strong. That is how I am going to get my life. What is my life? What would be different if I were strong?
What do I want for myself? What am I scared to give up to get there? Honestly right now I want to go to sleep and forget about this for a while but I know it is an escape so that I don’t have to feel or think about this and if I walk away from this I can’t figure it out and learn from it. What am I scared of? Am I scared to let someone in? What horrible things do I think they will see? I think that I make progress toward liking myself and then I’m here and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin and I feel the old self-loathing and in some ways it is worse because this is ten years later and I think I like myself better now. I think.
So what am I scared of? Being ordinary? Why? So what if I am ordinary—wouldn’t I prefer to be ordinary and happy? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe that is the problem.
What don’t I like about myself? I don’t feel like I am defined enough. I don’t know what I think about a lot of things. I don’t have opinions or well constructed views on many issues. I get petty and jealous and envious and I hate that. I hate that I am not more comfortable with myself or more secure. And I guess I really fucking hate that I am weak. How would my life be different if I were strong? I am not sure I know.
I probably would have to stop living off my parents. I would support myself because that is what 30 year old adult people do and if I want to be in school then I wouldn’t live in Soho or I would take out loans or I would also have a job and juggle more or some combination thereof.
I think that in my attempt not to offend people, I don’t always tell them what I think- sometimes because I am not sure of what I think and sometimes because I don’t think they will hear it or want to hear it. I think I avoid confrontation with people not to make them feel better but as a cop-out. I avoid things that I don’t want to deal with- and that isn’t strength.
I’m impatient- I don’t want to wait for things, I don’t want to earn them and I don’t want to suffer the uncertainty. That isn’t strength.
Things I have to give up- Daddy. It’s my daddy fixation that draws me to inconsistent men. It’s my relationship with my parents being played out again and again. I will never just feel loved with them, in some sense I will always feel like I am earning it and working for it. That was the attraction to Caleb and being with him would have been a lifetime of that.
Why did I like Jack and Myron? I liked them because I felt like they knew who they were. They were confident, secure and comfortable. And they were fun- they had interests that they pursued and were committed to like rugby and camping and other outdoorsy things. And they liked me as long as I was being myself and was comfortable with myself (as in before I liked them and got anxious and weird and started caring what they thought of me so I started molding myself to them). Oh and I was also attracted to them even though neither guy was “my type”. And I think I liked that they were raised religious and knew that world and valued the traditions but didn’t really observe.
I don’t like my body right now and I don’t want to do anything about it. I don’t want to count calories and give up things and slowly drop weight in some sustainable but unremarkable way. I need to start doing things differently. I sprint. I cram for exams. I go on a lemonade diet before my brothers wedding and after two dates I want to “break up” or be in a relationship. My mantra used to be faith and patience- now I am starting to think that it needs be strength and patience.
What do I want and how do I get there? Define myself and my goals and commit to them. I don’t have to be superwoman- the community organizer, the PhD candidate, the devoted aunt and sister, the welcoming hostess, the outgoing partygirl and the skilled hook-up, the well traveled and well-read intellectual, the loyal, thoughtful friend, the fun social coordinator and I don’t have to be perfect or an overachiever or anything other that whoever I need to be to be happy. Do I want to be on all these boards? Do I want to produce this movie? Do I want my PhD in psychology? Who do I want to be? I think I have finally figured out how religious (or not) I want to be. What’s next? What am I willing to work for? And what am I willing to accept? I want to like myself. I want to be strong and I want to be happy. I suppose that is really the crux of it- I want to be happy. When I am happy, I am comfortable in my skin and I am generous not petty and it’s easier for me to be secure and patient. What makes me happy? How do I get there?
Am I strong enough to let someone in? Am I strong enough to do that while maintaining myself? There was a list in Glamour of things to know by 30 and one was “how to fall in love without losing yourself”. I don’t even feel like I know how to fall in like without losing myself.
I used to say that I want to be the person that Alison thinks I am. Now I guess I want to be the person that Lilah thinks I can be.
I need to turn off my whiny inner voice and give myself a swift kick in the pants. Maybe it’s harder for me to be happy (as my mother once intimated) or maybe I give up too easily and don’t want to do what everyone else does to be happy- work at it. It’s easier to pity myself that I have to work harder to be happy than it is to work hard to be happy.
I’m exhausted and I want to go to sleep but I want to make sure I have worked this out as best as I can right now so that I won’t ruminate about it instead of falling asleep. I think I might be tired enough to fall asleep relatively quickly. I think I have covered all of the major points. I have to keep them in mind and see how I conduct my life differently and build strength just by doing it.
What do I want for myself? What am I scared to give up to get there? Honestly right now I want to go to sleep and forget about this for a while but I know it is an escape so that I don’t have to feel or think about this and if I walk away from this I can’t figure it out and learn from it. What am I scared of? Am I scared to let someone in? What horrible things do I think they will see? I think that I make progress toward liking myself and then I’m here and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin and I feel the old self-loathing and in some ways it is worse because this is ten years later and I think I like myself better now. I think.
So what am I scared of? Being ordinary? Why? So what if I am ordinary—wouldn’t I prefer to be ordinary and happy? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe that is the problem.
What don’t I like about myself? I don’t feel like I am defined enough. I don’t know what I think about a lot of things. I don’t have opinions or well constructed views on many issues. I get petty and jealous and envious and I hate that. I hate that I am not more comfortable with myself or more secure. And I guess I really fucking hate that I am weak. How would my life be different if I were strong? I am not sure I know.
I probably would have to stop living off my parents. I would support myself because that is what 30 year old adult people do and if I want to be in school then I wouldn’t live in Soho or I would take out loans or I would also have a job and juggle more or some combination thereof.
I think that in my attempt not to offend people, I don’t always tell them what I think- sometimes because I am not sure of what I think and sometimes because I don’t think they will hear it or want to hear it. I think I avoid confrontation with people not to make them feel better but as a cop-out. I avoid things that I don’t want to deal with- and that isn’t strength.
I’m impatient- I don’t want to wait for things, I don’t want to earn them and I don’t want to suffer the uncertainty. That isn’t strength.
Things I have to give up- Daddy. It’s my daddy fixation that draws me to inconsistent men. It’s my relationship with my parents being played out again and again. I will never just feel loved with them, in some sense I will always feel like I am earning it and working for it. That was the attraction to Caleb and being with him would have been a lifetime of that.
Why did I like Jack and Myron? I liked them because I felt like they knew who they were. They were confident, secure and comfortable. And they were fun- they had interests that they pursued and were committed to like rugby and camping and other outdoorsy things. And they liked me as long as I was being myself and was comfortable with myself (as in before I liked them and got anxious and weird and started caring what they thought of me so I started molding myself to them). Oh and I was also attracted to them even though neither guy was “my type”. And I think I liked that they were raised religious and knew that world and valued the traditions but didn’t really observe.
I don’t like my body right now and I don’t want to do anything about it. I don’t want to count calories and give up things and slowly drop weight in some sustainable but unremarkable way. I need to start doing things differently. I sprint. I cram for exams. I go on a lemonade diet before my brothers wedding and after two dates I want to “break up” or be in a relationship. My mantra used to be faith and patience- now I am starting to think that it needs be strength and patience.
What do I want and how do I get there? Define myself and my goals and commit to them. I don’t have to be superwoman- the community organizer, the PhD candidate, the devoted aunt and sister, the welcoming hostess, the outgoing partygirl and the skilled hook-up, the well traveled and well-read intellectual, the loyal, thoughtful friend, the fun social coordinator and I don’t have to be perfect or an overachiever or anything other that whoever I need to be to be happy. Do I want to be on all these boards? Do I want to produce this movie? Do I want my PhD in psychology? Who do I want to be? I think I have finally figured out how religious (or not) I want to be. What’s next? What am I willing to work for? And what am I willing to accept? I want to like myself. I want to be strong and I want to be happy. I suppose that is really the crux of it- I want to be happy. When I am happy, I am comfortable in my skin and I am generous not petty and it’s easier for me to be secure and patient. What makes me happy? How do I get there?
Am I strong enough to let someone in? Am I strong enough to do that while maintaining myself? There was a list in Glamour of things to know by 30 and one was “how to fall in love without losing yourself”. I don’t even feel like I know how to fall in like without losing myself.
I used to say that I want to be the person that Alison thinks I am. Now I guess I want to be the person that Lilah thinks I can be.
I need to turn off my whiny inner voice and give myself a swift kick in the pants. Maybe it’s harder for me to be happy (as my mother once intimated) or maybe I give up too easily and don’t want to do what everyone else does to be happy- work at it. It’s easier to pity myself that I have to work harder to be happy than it is to work hard to be happy.
I’m exhausted and I want to go to sleep but I want to make sure I have worked this out as best as I can right now so that I won’t ruminate about it instead of falling asleep. I think I might be tired enough to fall asleep relatively quickly. I think I have covered all of the major points. I have to keep them in mind and see how I conduct my life differently and build strength just by doing it.
posted by Zoe at 3:11 AM
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