So today I sat on my closet floor for a few minutes..

There is a ton of stuff going on in my head and some stuff going on in my life. I actually just found my journal from about 3 yea/cors ago and I read up on what I was struggling with at the time- a lot of stuff about Caleb and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and trying to negotiate my relationships with family and friends. I was trying to figure out if I have grown up. In some ways I think I have. I think I have figured out how to be a better friend and I think I have a lot less anxiety about my relationship with my family. I'm in school now and I think I am on the right path- so I guess I am making progress. I'm on my way and I'll get there (I hope).
I was in NJ for Shabbat with my entire family to celebrate Konstantin's sheva brachot. It was really nice and I had a good time. I like my family. They are nice, warm people and they love me. The weekend was beautiful- like all of Karen and JR's parties. Watching Konstantin return to the fold and marry a girl who is really religious is weird for me. I want the family but I dont want to be keeping things just to belong. Do I have to? Can I belong as I am? I think so. I hope so. I wonder if life would be easier if I did want to lead that kind of life, a life similar to the ones my siblings and cousins lead. I guess I might feel differently, perhaps less confused and more comforted if I believed in God the way that they do. Do I want to? Assuming I could - which is far from certain.
I should be packing for LA and I feel really tired even though I napped this afternoon. I hope to wake up early to swim with Karen before my flight. I also want to blog about Myron, men in general, being attracted to inconsistency, my parents discussing Will's weight, my eating habits, school stuff, my friends. Maybe I will do that after I pack.