Finding my words
Lilah keeps telling me to use my words but I’m not even sure I have any. I don’t feel like I know what I am thinking- well I just caught sight of myself in the mirror and now I am thinking that I am fat and blotchy. At least I am clean.
Where to start? My 22 year old cousin (maybe he just turned 23) is getting engaged tomorrow and getting married in August. His 19 year old sister is getting married sometime in the fall (not sure when she is getting engaged). Erin has started talking about dating and I think she will go out with the first appropriate, available guy. I’m the oldest grandchild and I am starting to feel like the single pariah. And I know that I am doing my own thing and I like my own thing, I like being a student and living in the Village and hanging out with my friends and I am not ready to be a mom and I don’t think I am really ready to be a wife but I want to be part of a pair. And I don’t know if I know how to have a boyfriend. I get so freaked out by the inherent uncertainty that I want to move on to being engaged or married or broken up- but I don’t really want that. I want a boyfriend and I want to be able to do that, tolerate the unknown and enjoy getting to know someone and hanging out with them and hooking up with them and seeing where it takes us. I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I don’t feel like I know where to start. How do I connect with someone else without losing myself? I keep thinking about Myron and I don’t even know him, I don’t if I like him and chances are even if I like him, I shouldn’t like him. I don’t know. I don’t know if he is unreliable or just doesn’t like me (or like me enough) or if he has the right idea—we’ve been out twice and this is casual and non-exclusive and there is no urgency, just take our time and see each other when we have time and see what happens. In some ways I think he has the right idea; wait before you make someone a priority in your life. Last week he told me to focus on my work and there was plenty of time for other stuff later. And he is right. I’m not sure if this is his attitude because this is the way he is, if this is the way he is now but might shift if we progress or he just isn’t that into me. And I don’t know if he is unreliable or just busy- and I am not sure the two are mutually exclusive. I may or may not hear from him but I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him until I am back in NY. I told him when I would be back and I guess I will see if he contacts me. I am not even sure that I should want him to contact me. I like him but it may be for all the wrong reasons. I bought myself this book- the surrendered single- on Monday. I am totally embarrassed to be reading a pop psychology self help relationship book but it did seem like it was addressing my issues. Issues like feeling the need to control a relationship by planning dates and not allowing myself to be pursued. I guess I don’t really trust that someone will pursue me.
While I am in LA I was perpetually torn- I want to be with my family but I want to be with Lilah. And I know that no one is putting pressure on me. Lilah understands the pull of my family and my family assumes that I will want to spend time with my best friend. I know the stress is all self- generated. I thought that I had gotten better about this and was able to appreciate how lucky I am to have these wonderful options but yesterday I just totally broke down in tears when I got into Lilah’s car (hence the admonition to use my words). I don’t know if it was too much Pesach, too much family/couple time, leaving my family who was all hanging out to go hang out with Lilah, the fact that I ran out of Prozac over Pesach and need to re-fill my script. This crying thing is becoming a regular occurrence- last Thursday night as I was driving to Meg and Will. Friday afternoon in my parent’s house, Monday to Sophie, Wednesday night to Lilah. I didn’t use to be this way.
I think it’s time to refuse to be miserable. I think it is time to remember all of my amazing friends and how lucky I am to have them. And I think it’s time to get my mother out of my head regarding body and weight and clothes etc. I need to stop valuing her validation of my appearance. It gives her too much power. I am crying to her about Myron and she is telling me that I will see what happens and to listen to her and Sophie as they have my best interests in mind and I can’t get all flustered after 2 dates, we’ll see what will happen (all true and crying may also have been related to getting my period a couple of hours later) but then she tells me that I may not want to hear it and she may sound like a broken record but I need to lose weight. Hearing or not hearing from Myron again is not about weight. I really don’t believe that is going to make the difference – of course when I am anxious that I haven’t heard from him I wonder if I was 10, 15, 20 pounds thinner would he be calling but I don’t really think that is what is making the difference. I went out on Thursday night in my jeans, heels and cute poncho from Lois and felt good and cute and I got a response (not from anyone I was really interested in but still I got a response). I know it is much more about how I feel about how I look than about how I look. On that note I should go get dressed to go out with Lilah so I can feel cute.
Where to start? My 22 year old cousin (maybe he just turned 23) is getting engaged tomorrow and getting married in August. His 19 year old sister is getting married sometime in the fall (not sure when she is getting engaged). Erin has started talking about dating and I think she will go out with the first appropriate, available guy. I’m the oldest grandchild and I am starting to feel like the single pariah. And I know that I am doing my own thing and I like my own thing, I like being a student and living in the Village and hanging out with my friends and I am not ready to be a mom and I don’t think I am really ready to be a wife but I want to be part of a pair. And I don’t know if I know how to have a boyfriend. I get so freaked out by the inherent uncertainty that I want to move on to being engaged or married or broken up- but I don’t really want that. I want a boyfriend and I want to be able to do that, tolerate the unknown and enjoy getting to know someone and hanging out with them and hooking up with them and seeing where it takes us. I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I don’t feel like I know where to start. How do I connect with someone else without losing myself? I keep thinking about Myron and I don’t even know him, I don’t if I like him and chances are even if I like him, I shouldn’t like him. I don’t know. I don’t know if he is unreliable or just doesn’t like me (or like me enough) or if he has the right idea—we’ve been out twice and this is casual and non-exclusive and there is no urgency, just take our time and see each other when we have time and see what happens. In some ways I think he has the right idea; wait before you make someone a priority in your life. Last week he told me to focus on my work and there was plenty of time for other stuff later. And he is right. I’m not sure if this is his attitude because this is the way he is, if this is the way he is now but might shift if we progress or he just isn’t that into me. And I don’t know if he is unreliable or just busy- and I am not sure the two are mutually exclusive. I may or may not hear from him but I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him until I am back in NY. I told him when I would be back and I guess I will see if he contacts me. I am not even sure that I should want him to contact me. I like him but it may be for all the wrong reasons. I bought myself this book- the surrendered single- on Monday. I am totally embarrassed to be reading a pop psychology self help relationship book but it did seem like it was addressing my issues. Issues like feeling the need to control a relationship by planning dates and not allowing myself to be pursued. I guess I don’t really trust that someone will pursue me.
While I am in LA I was perpetually torn- I want to be with my family but I want to be with Lilah. And I know that no one is putting pressure on me. Lilah understands the pull of my family and my family assumes that I will want to spend time with my best friend. I know the stress is all self- generated. I thought that I had gotten better about this and was able to appreciate how lucky I am to have these wonderful options but yesterday I just totally broke down in tears when I got into Lilah’s car (hence the admonition to use my words). I don’t know if it was too much Pesach, too much family/couple time, leaving my family who was all hanging out to go hang out with Lilah, the fact that I ran out of Prozac over Pesach and need to re-fill my script. This crying thing is becoming a regular occurrence- last Thursday night as I was driving to Meg and Will. Friday afternoon in my parent’s house, Monday to Sophie, Wednesday night to Lilah. I didn’t use to be this way.
I think it’s time to refuse to be miserable. I think it is time to remember all of my amazing friends and how lucky I am to have them. And I think it’s time to get my mother out of my head regarding body and weight and clothes etc. I need to stop valuing her validation of my appearance. It gives her too much power. I am crying to her about Myron and she is telling me that I will see what happens and to listen to her and Sophie as they have my best interests in mind and I can’t get all flustered after 2 dates, we’ll see what will happen (all true and crying may also have been related to getting my period a couple of hours later) but then she tells me that I may not want to hear it and she may sound like a broken record but I need to lose weight. Hearing or not hearing from Myron again is not about weight. I really don’t believe that is going to make the difference – of course when I am anxious that I haven’t heard from him I wonder if I was 10, 15, 20 pounds thinner would he be calling but I don’t really think that is what is making the difference. I went out on Thursday night in my jeans, heels and cute poncho from Lois and felt good and cute and I got a response (not from anyone I was really interested in but still I got a response). I know it is much more about how I feel about how I look than about how I look. On that note I should go get dressed to go out with Lilah so I can feel cute.
posted by Zoe at 1:25 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home