must sleep

finished finals. i think i rocked my last final- neurochem. I really feel like i know this stuff. Sadly dont feel like I rocked the neurochem paper or last psychodiagnostics report. Tomorrow i have to write letter of rec for myself from one of my profs, have interview for paid research position. oh i also have to start working on movie stuff and i think i am going to meet sally at the gym. and i need to write about some stuff that has been on my mind- about holden and my cousin and dating and summer plans- but now i need to get some sleep. i collapsed on sophie's bed after i handed in paper today. I was in middle of playing with jamie. i had to reschedule dinner with meg and will. i thougth i ws on call tomorrow night but apparently i was on call on sunday- good thing i wasn't called in. my rape deterrence powers are as potent as ever.

How do we choose our friends?

I have a few conversations over the weekend with different people about different relationships. One person has stopped being friends with a couple of people and another is frustrated with a long time friend. I have been thinking about the nature of friendship. Why are we friends with people? Not why do we have friends - that is clear to me but what is the reason we are friends with certain people. Are we friends with people because we have fun with them? Are we friends with them because they need us? Because we need them? Both? All? Do we choose friends or fall into them?
I have my friends from school all of whom I really like but i likely wouldn't be friends with any of them if we weren't in school together. Will I keep in touch with them if I end up somewhere else next year.
what is more compelling convenience, history, shared interests
Not sure I know and I am not sure it really matters
I should get back to finishing up my work- tomorrow is my last day of finals and I have assignments as well. After that I have to figure out my summer plans and hopefully I will figure out next year as well. I also have to devote some time to movie stuff. Now I have to devote time to memorizing the anxiolytics. Maybe i'll spend some more time on these random fairly useless thoughts later.

Grades started rolling in

B+ in advanced physiological psychology
waiting on research methods- still have final and paper to complete for neurochem and final report for psychodiagnostics. Hopefully will get 3 A range grades if not three As. I am poised to do well in these classes. Assuming my papers are Ok and I do well on the finals.
I need to get work done tomorrow after taking off two days for holiday- I had such a great time with Lois, Clark, Deb, Ray and Sam. It is so good to see my friends and hang out with them and just chill. It was really great to see Sam as I haven't seen her since Yom Kippur- which is just way too long for someone I have that much fun with. I just really love her and emailing daily isnt enough. It was just nice to sit around a table, drinking and laughing. I did feel like everyone was cuter and skinnier than me- I really have to curb my eating and I have to start working out. I dont like feeling like I am checking out every woman's body and feeling jealous. (Although I did think that I looked cute, if not thin, the other day but not today). I really don't want to feel this way, looking at other people, judging their physical imperfections in an effort to make myself feel better. Feeling jealous - I dont want to be this person.

Met a friend of Lois' today who is a downtown Jew so it might be a fun person to hang out with.

I should get to bed so I can wake up and get work done. I need to finish paper and report tomorrow.

Finals!!

The end is in sight and then I can start returning emails and phone calls and seeing friends (did testing Gracie for my class count?)
One final, one paper and one report left. And then I have to figure out my summer and next year. I do have interview set up for next week for part-time paid research position.
I had a whole conversation last week with the prof I have been working for - he basically implied that I may not wnt to be in program and sabotaged myself in some way. He doubts my drive or as he calls it the "fire in my belly". I will worry about that later. now i need to study neurochem or get some much needed sleep.

Study, Study, Study, Study!

In study hibernation and it feels so good. Not really but hopefully it will pay off. I need to get at least a 94 on final to get a grade in the A range. I've been sort of neglecting anything not study related and will have to continue that for at least a couple of days. Back to writing study guides.

Living la vida procrastination

Sunday I got some work done- but not the work that was due on Monday. Monday I overslept and then still had to email in my paper that was half way done last Monday but then left alone since then. I have to get my butt in gear and get work done.
That is basically what I have been up to- finals are coming up and I need to focus on finishing up the semester and doing well. I need to do well on my final this Friday as I didn't do well on the mid-term. In all my other classes I am poised to do well and I just have to keep it up. In other news, I kind of want a boyfriend- not that I have time for one right now but I think wanting a relationship is another way to procrastinate. I know that I need to figure out my school/career/life before I focus on a relationship. Not that I just found one when I had time to focus on one.
Hopefully I will get a lot of studying done today. I should be hearing over to Lia later and I will probably be there for most of the day after class tomorrow and Thursday. Finals on Friday and monday and tuesday after memorial day, Paper due on Monday and report due tuesday after memorial day (i still have to finish running IQ test that the report is based on)
Time to get back to the books.
Oh and I ate a ton yesterday (mostly but not entirely healthy) and I woke up feeling totally gross- hopefully I learned my lesson.

checkin' in

I had a good day. I stayed in last night and caught up on sleep and then today went to lunch at Scotty's. It was really nice to feel connected to my community. After lunch we went for a walk to the pier. I just enjoyed being outside, hanging out with friends and taking advantage of living in this cool neighborhood. I wore a cute outfit and accesorized and felt cute. It motivated me to want to go out tonight but when I got home and put on sweats, I was totally ready to stay in. I figured I could stay in and get work done - although the likelihood of getting work done- slim to non-existent. In the end I got cuted up and went out with Juliet, the guy she is seeing and his friends. I can't say I had a great time or felt particularly cute once we were out in a trendy club but I got out and met new people. I didn't really click with any of them but I still had a nice time. i didn't feel like I had interesting things to say but then I just reminded myself that I know I am cool and interesting whether or not these people see it and i don't actually think that they are all that interesting. It mostly worked. I felt connected and cool and interesting when I was at lunch and I also felt like I was with interesting people. It is nice and fun to meet new people and it is good to get out but it is also great to spend time with the people I know and value, with people who know and value me. We went to two trendy places and to a bistoro and I just got in at 5:30. I really need to get work done tomorrow. I have Anne's engagement party, I am adminstering the WISC on Gracie and I need to finish my neurochem paper. That said, I should probably get to sleep.

I think I am figuring it out a bit

Not knowing what is going on in my life definitely bothers me but I think I am making some progress on that front. I think I have fashioned a plan of sorts. If I can apply to school for this year I will do that and if I get in I will go there. If it turns out that it isn't an option I will continue taking classes and look for part time paid research position and then reapply to MANY schools in the fall. Right now I am going to focus on finishing my semester. When I have a better idea about what is going on for the fall, I can figure out my summer. I do think I am ready for more structure, for a paid position and I am definitely ready for a little more certainty. I think I am going to put serious dating on hold for a bit while I figure this out. Flirting- well that is all good, as I am doing with this guy (mostly online) - he is really nice but not going anywhere (my last jdate guy before I unsubscribed, we have hung out a couple of times, a little very innocent hooking up and nice conversation. I rescheduled with the guy I was supposed to go out with earlier in the week and I told someone they could give this other guy my number but I really don't think I am interested in either of these guys and I won't have time to see them for a couple of weeks. I really need to focus on school until finals are over. (the good news is that I got a 96 on my final project for advanced physiological psychology, hoewever since I bombed that midterm I still need to rock the final).
I have been attempting to eat better and get some exercise, it was just enough mornings of waking up feeling fat and gross. I am really trying to focus on health and nutrition and fitness as my goals. I want to feel good and take care of myself. At this point I am counting how meals in a row I made good choices-- I think I am up to 12. I am trying not to deprive myself- just to make better, healthier choices.

Chesbon He nefesh

Sorry I've been so slack, blogger has been weird and the couple of times that I intended to blog I didnt' bother trying to navigate the new system.
So I didnt get into school. So now I need to embark on a chesbon ha nefesh (calculating/weighing/balancing of soul). I need to weigh my options, figure out what I want and what my next step is going to be.
So I didnt get into school because my personal statement and interview did not convince admissions committee that I wanted to pursue clinical neuropsychology and not regular clinical psychology. It was my fault that I didn't revise my statement sufficiently. I should have applied to more schools this past fall and I should have put more work into this application.
So the questions are- do I want straight up clinical or neuropsych clinical? I like getting the neuroscience background in my current program but I am slightly concerned that the externships focus on neuropysch evaluations more than psychotherapy - will I get the training I really want?
What do i do next year? continue taking classes towards my masters and to fulfill doctoral requirements and reapply to school here. Take the research coordinator position that I am likely to be offered at Mt Sinai? Where do I apply to next year? I may have an oppurtunity to apply to another school for 2007. I'm not sure I am in a position to make a decision as I don't realy know what my options are.
In terms of Sinai job, I am concerned that the work might be too administrative without enough research. I like the work they do but I am not sure I would like my job. I am going to meet with more people on Tuesday so I can try to find out more.
I know that rather than jsut running around trying to feel like I know what I am doing, I need to figure out what my next step is and how to best pursue it. I can't make decisions just because I want to feel more settled.

In other news, had unremarkable date last week- trying to set him up with someone else and have another (not all that promising) date tomorrow night.

Also feeling really fat and unhealthy and out of control - I need to start being more mindful or what I eat and stop indulging every desire. It is definitely adversly affecting my dating life and affeting my confidence in regards to my appearance.