To sleep perchance not to dream

I am exhausted and ready to go to sleep and think that I may not have freaky dreams. (recently I have been dreaming that I am graduating from high school but i am really nervous b/c i haven't been showing up for months, it feels very real). Before I go to bed, I wanted to take a moment to make sure I had poured everythign out of my head so that it won't keep me up. I think I feel lighter. I am going to call Lilah and tell her that I am OK and that she doesn't have to worry - at least not too much. Also I just wanted to say, if you are reading the blog please comment, I love comments! With your name, anonymously, with the pseudonym I have given you if you think you have figured it out. I am trying to keep this open, real and honest and really trying not to censor myself so I write it to this very faceless audience but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate some friendly faces.

Today I cried

It was good and it was time and I have to say while it wasn't fun, I am happy that I was feeling SOMETHING. I was talking to Lilah and she was telling me that blogging is no substitute for talking to her and she is worried about me. And I realized that I was worried about me. I don't know who I am and I am not sure why I am scared to find out. Am I scared to find out that I am ordinary? Does that somehow offend this overacheiver sense of myself. Lilah tells me she just wants me to be myself and to be happy. I don't need letters after my name or to be married I just need to know who I am and what I believe. I have to stop trying on all these costumes and stop trying to make them fit. Basically, she says the only time she doesn't like me is when I am being fake or trying too hard. I know that my sister has said that to me as well. I want to be me. I think I want to stop lying to myself and to everyone else. Is that what the back pain is- the lies? My mom was telling me that I have to release my back (she suggested spine twists) and I am thinking, do I have to release the lies, are they residing in my back (are they somehow the straw that broke the camel's back- when they get to be too much then theyt break my back and I feel it and I have to take some time off to figure out what is going on?- not sure if that is properly articulated but it makes sense to me). How do I figure out who I am, what I want, what I believe, what I want to do, who I want to be? Things that I know don't work- trying to be what my parents want, extremes- I have to learn moderation so that something can stick, trying to be some version of wonderwoman. Progress in the past 11 years (since Lilah and I have been friends)- I accept that I am not really a spiritual person and I am ok with it. Am I pursuing grad school b/c i think I have to or should or because it fits some notion of who I think I should be. Will being a psychologist make me happy? Regardless, I should probably adjust my schedule for the fall- taking Neuroanatomy, Neurophysiology, History of Psychology and Survey of Clinical Neuroscience may be a bit much and may only be servicing my need to prove something. Also going to try moderate exercise. Lilah recommended 20 minutes of walking and then working up to 20 minutes of running and then build from there. So today I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and next time I will go just slightly faster. I am not looking at my calorie expenditure or mileage just the time and the speed. I am also not going to look at the scale. I will try to honestly mark down everything I eat in my blog and I am going to try to be healthy. Other blog additions will be what song I am singing in my head and what book I am reading. Not sure it will always be illuminating but it might be. Song- Scars by Papa Roach (I think, I am not really good at that kind of thing), Refrain that is in my head is "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much, the scars remind us of what was there, I tear my heart open so I can feel"- or some variation on that. This morning I finished A Spectacle of Corruption by David Liss, it is the sequel to Conspiracy of Paper, that people told me was very compelling. I thought they were both eh. Then I was reading the paper, we'll see if I start a new book tonight. Basically, I can't say that i'm hopeless but not sure i'm hopeful either. i think i'm trying.

Blah

That is pretty much how I am feeling now- Blah. Basically not feeling much at all. I don't feel happy or sad or upset or angry or hurt or excited. I just feel Blah- I guess I feel kind of stuck and like I am sort of at loose ends. Not sure if it is taking some time out because of my back that makes me feel out of touch or if I think I shouldn't have taken it. Was my back really that bad or did I just indulge myself- should I be getting back to the lab today or is it OK to go back tomorrow.
Hanging out at my aunt's house now- my brother is heading over here for a swimming lesson. I guess I should get back to the city tonight in time to meet Muffy- does my back still hurt or even if it does should I be moving past it? Am I looking for an excuse to drop out of life?

Update

Spent most of the last two days on the floor all doped up. I think I did something to my lower back or that is just where I carry my stress. When I finally think I am better, I try to drive and I'm in pain. I feel OK now and I hope I can maintain that. Of course part of me is perfectly happy to have an excuse to sleep and read and waste away. I missed therapy today and dinner withSara and a meeting that I planned. I am sorry that I missed all of those things and I am starting to miss the lab and being productive. Not that much to say as I haven't been doing much. I guess I have been regressing a bit and letting my mom and brother take care of me as I lay on the floor.

Oh Gross...

Apparently sometimes just brushing my teeth can make me throw up. Really disgusting but the good news (such as it is) is that I didn't go with it. I stopped myself and cleaned out my mouth and finished brushing my teeth.

Conversations with my parents

Dad- Called me to tell me how well he thought it went on Monday night and couldn't get over the girl who shared her experiences. He thought she was so courageous. He said it must be so painful for her to relive it each time. I wonder how we would feel if it were me. Also asked me if I wanted to go to a nutritionist since I am obviously watching myself and exercising and it isn't working. I told him I would wait to see what happened after my appt with Dr Vitamin Guy on July 11th since his program had worked for me before. I'm so paranoid that I almost think that he knows I havent' been watching myself or exercising as much as I claim and this is his attempt to call me on/make me feel guilty. He also asked me to go out with some friend (Random Lawyer Set up #2) of a friend of his as a favor so the guy will leave him alone. I told him, I would do it as a favor- what was I thinking? I think I was just feeling warmly toward him because I felt like he was supporting me and my project.

Small Victory

I woke up at 6:15 this morning and went swimming. I weighed myself after swimming and I was 181 on my aunt's scale- I could attribute it to being sopping wet or I could attribute it to the cake and ice cream I ate yesterday. I am going to try and take ownership for my weight and my responsibility for it. I had looked in the mirror on Friday after I showered, post- swimming and it wasn't that bad, not that good but it was OK. I could claim that as my body and work with it. Tried that again this morning and not so much. I am trying to move forward to get anywhere other than stuck.

Bitter by the numbers

175- My weight on the scale in my aunt's house
7 or 8- Number of pounds my mother told me I could lose by July 5th when Random Lawyer Set up #1 (RLS 1) is coming back to the States and we are then having our first date
3 or so- Number of times that my mother said she couldn't get over this guy whose daughter suffered from an eating disorder who tracked me down to see if he could help (he is also a pediatrician)
0- Number of times my mother actually spoke to me about this project this weekend. I was totally freaking out this afternoon and considered calling her and I realized i wanted to have that kind of relationship with her but I dont'.
I feel like a super brat because my parents pay my bills and help me out and run errands for me and buy me stuff and I take it and I lie to them and in some ways I feel like they are really wonderful and I couldn't disrespect them by coming out about my mental health history but I feel like i can't come out about it because my parents dont' acknowledge it. We never talk about it. I have been vomiting (not by design) and we don't really talk about my diminished peristalsis. My mom picks up my Prozac from the pharmacy and we call it my medication and they know I go to therapy once a week (I think they are really wondering when I will be done) but we dont' really talk about my bulimia or depression. My relationship with my mother should not be any different or feel any more comfortable when I am thinner.

Random note- This guy in the bar said "I love being me" to the bartender when he was buying his wine- I miss that. I miss feeling that way. I think I did at some points. I think I remember thinking that I love my life earlier this year and I remember saying in therapy that I finally feel like I am the person I wanted to be, the person I looked up to, the person who would apply to grad school in Atlanta and go there if she got in, the strong, independent, confident girl- where did she go? I am not sure she ever really resided in me.

Quick update before bed

I'm exhausted and kind of nauseous from everything I ate today (some candy, some tings, ice cream, poppers, half a chicken wrap, 6 chocolate chip cookies, some fruit, and a raspberry beer as well as picking at some other stuff at the parlor meeting).
I dont' think I prepared enough for the parlor meeting, I didn't call people and remind them to come, I didn't prepare my speech in advance and I had no idea what I was going to wear. I ended up borrowing a sweater set from my aunt and got dressed in about 5 minutes (including shower and make-up). The meeting was OK, I think some people liked it and were moved by the speeches. I am not sure how much money we raised and most of the attendees were my friends and family. My sister called me later tonight to tell me how proud she was and my dad kissed me goodbye but my mom basically walked out. She stayed to clean up and thanked my cousin for hosting but just asked me if I was sleeping at home. Clearly, I wasn't. I hung out with my cousins for a bit and then drove back and went for a drink with Juliet. It was fun to get out. We went because Juliet was in the mood to go to a bar instead of watching TV in my apt and she was saying that we have to get out more- I think she is right. I had fun on Thursday night and I should be getting out like that more. Meeting new people, flirting with guys, maybe kissing someone. We probably could have spoken to people had we sat at the bar instead of moving to the couch.
I think I have to consider speaking about my experience with bulimia, I am asking other people to share their stories and I have a story too. I say that I don't come out because I am protecting my parents but is that really what is going on? I feel like a bit of a fraud that I didn't get up there and at least acknowledge my problem. I have a history of bulimia and depression and I sat there tonight while someone else was brave enough to share their history with the crowd.
I am going to make myself wash up and then I will go to sleep. And hopefully i will be in the lab on time tomorrow.

Checking in

I have been doing it again- procrastinating and waiting for tomorrow to do something including blogging- Sat night I told myself I would do it on Sunday and then on Sunday, I just didnt' do it so I am just checking in now so that it doesn't become so long and too overwhelming to come back. Short version of my weekend- great to hang out with my siblings and I love them a lot and had a great time with them. My parents were fine but there was a lot of stress associated with what I was wearing and how I looked and I felt their eyes on me a lot. At least I didn't sit next to them at meals. I totally kept to my diet until Sat night when I had some ice cream cake with my siblings and then Sunday was just shot to hell- in terms of diet and doing anything producutive. Yesterday I went to sleep without blogging, washing my face or brushing my teeth and I had also taken a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. At least I swam on Friday afternoon and Sunday morning and I gave my brother swimming lessons on both of those days as well.
I also had a slight incident with my mom over my spending and lack of income- and she's right. What my parents weren't neccesarily right about was making comments about my excess of education and lack of job and lack of gratitude (which I tried to disavow) at the table on Saturday.
Trying to get back on track- and trying to find something to wear tonight to the parlor meeting for eating disorder awareness project. I have to find something to wear and I have to prepare something to say. good luck to me

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good- I kept my diet for 2 days in a row, I deleted Dude who lost interest #1 (DWLI 1)'s number from my cell phone (along with some other people that won't be calling), went to see US Air Guitar National championship- it was insanely fun, I highly recommend it, finished Sex and Death to the Age 14 and What to do if your adolescent has an eating disorder and am making progress on the evolution of desire, having sibling night out old school style on sat night, revised abstraction instrument for Mt Sinai, have been using teeth whitening gel for 11 days consistently, have been on top of my skin care regimen, took my car for an oil change.
The bad- haven't made it to the gym in over a week, joined quick fix diet website, haven't been reading journal articles that are relevant to either research project I am working on this summer, have been getting annoyed and even angry - about manager of my building sending a curt e-mail, about co-committee members not responding to e-mails, by presence of too many people in the lab, even though my period is over and i have been trying to watch myself, my pants were no looser tonight than they were on sat night (and they were tight then)
The ugly- I saw another mouse in our apt tonight, I have been tweezing my ingrown hairs on my legs and now I have a ton of little scars and red marks, when I found out Sarah couldn't make it with me tonight, I started calling anyone I thought might be interested- people either weren't there or were busy or tired and I thought that DWLI 1 might be interested because he said he liked to do crazy things, i didn't have his number as I had deleted it yesterday and that should have detered me but I tried calling my aunt to get his number (only after I tried to reach another two people to invite them to come with me) and she wasn't home or on her cell and then I tried the other couple who set us up who thankfully were not home and I tried the white pages and there was no answer at the number I thought might be his- I have to stop doing things that i know I would be embarrassed to tell people about - I may have told myself that I can invite him as a friend and somehow it's not that weird- it's cool and confident and fun and there is no reason why we shouldn't be friends but it's crazy to call a guy you barely know to invite him for a spontaneous outing. Lilah would cringe for me and she would be right- will my days of cringeworthy impulses ever end?, I am going home for the weekend and we are eating out at family friends and cousins and I am worried that I have nothing decent to wear, I can't just show up in a jean skirt and hoodie like I do at my parent's house when I feel like I have nothing to wear.

Patience

Last week I tried to go back on the diet I had lost weight on years ago- it worked, I felt great, it was with a nutritionist. It was actually the diet that helps me acheive my longest purge free run- Dr. Vitamin Guy told me that I was compromising my health and fertility by abusing my body and he was the first one who really put it in those terms. Basically, he told me that I couldn't keep abusing my body and expect to escape chronic consequences. I kept to the diet for a few months and I lost a lot of weight. I only started exercising 6 weeks into it because I had so much energy. I really got into it and wasn't hungry and it was working for me, well, until finals and Kermit and going to Israel for 2 weeks and then getting depressed. I never stayed with it long enough to move into the maintenance phase. I went back to him after I lost weight before Sophie's wedding as I was still over 10 pounds where I had been when I last had seen him. I didn't make it as long on the diet this time but I was still really active and then well then what always happens happened. This time I moved home and started school and gained some weight and then after I didnt' get into grad school, I got back to here. Eating lots of ice cream and sitting on your ass will do that. I made an appt with Dr Vitamin Guy and I would like to keep it up with him so I can get to the maintenance stage and learn how to live on his plan long term. He didn't have anything available until July 11th. Of course, part of me was tempted to wait until I saw him and part of me wanted to crash diet so that when I saw him I wouldn't be as heavy. Instead I have been attempting to follow the original regimen he gave me. I don't particularly feel like it is working but I haven't been super careful and I haven't actually weighed myself to see if there are any results. I hate dieting and I like to see results- like everyone else in the world. And of course I am attracted to the quick fix but I realized yesterday that had I been patient and taken the slow but reliable weight loss method, I would be thinner now. My impatience has attracted me to all of these fad diets- I have tried most of them- at least for a few days but had I just tried to make small and steady progress it might have lasted.
I went to look up Oprah's boot camp (i think this week may have been the first time i watched an episode in it's entirety) and the site I found www.oprahsbootcamp.com had links to all these other diets and there are all these outrageous claims like lose 9 pounds in eleven days- I went to the site and grappled with joining for $27. I know it's not really a solution but .... and I figured if I started this diet tomorrow, well, i could have fries and ice cream tonight (I have probably gained over 20 pounds cumulatively just from indulging in "last hurrahs". Apparently I feel the need to gorge myself before I start a diet and I get myself in more trouble b/c often the diet doesn't start that day- sometimes just because I didn't get to have fondue before I started or Juliet offered to bring over Indian food.) So then I did it, I joined, I couldnt' resist the siren call of the diet that is too good to be true. It is one of those food combining diets. I am not sure if I am going to try it. I'm tempted to try it next week- it is too restrictive to be able to follow at my parents house over the weekend. I know, I shouldn't. I should continue trying to follow the Vitamin Guy diet and then go see him in July and see what I should be doing now.

Meta-blogging

Today was one of those days when I was driving and trying to take notes as I was steering. I found a scrap of paper and a highlighter (until I located my pencil at a red light) and I kept making notes to myself of things to blog about later. My mind was racing and I didn't want to forget - that hadn't happened in a long time. I used to do that when I really thought I wanted to be a writer and I thought I would write about my experiences with bulimia. Often, when I left first good therapist I would take notes on my drive home so as not to forget what I was thinking about.
My notes- I wonder if I can still decipher what I intended- in no particular order as they are scribbled all over the back of a label.
-What is marraige really like? I asked Joan about it at dinner and I have to say she made it sound pretty good. Unconditional love, security, a best friend - and I think I could forsake all other penises for the right penis. I remember when I told Joan that I wanted to marry someone extraordinary (the night before my second and last date with DWLI 2) she said she thinks Bobby is extraordinary but other people may not. So I guess the trick is to find someone that I think is amazing. I think I want to be in love and be in a good relationship and then a good marraige and belong to something. I think I could do a marraige like theirs- (not that anyone ever knows what is really going on in another's marraige). I also see that part of what makes it work is that they are really different and i think they both maintain thier own space. Maybe I need someone who is different than I am. Not sure how you go about finding that- not sure how I would go about finding someone similar either.
- Artificial affect regulation- thought about this as I took 2 aleve because I had a headache. There is nothing wrong with that but I use nyquil or ambien to go to sleep (sometimes so I can turn off my brain) and when I didn't get into grad school, i drank more wine than I normally do and I use purging as an affect regulator, whether or not I am cognizant of it at the time. Have I never tried drugs because I am scared that I have an addictive personality, or because there hasn't really been oppurtunity (when I have been offered pot it wasnt really with people i wanted to smoke up with) or is it because i was a "good girl" - so i'm almost 30 and a virgin and completely narcotic free.
- I am not an authority on anything and can barely manage my own life- how can I possibly give advice. People listen to me and i can speak authoritatively but seriously what do I know about how people should conduct their lives or relationships
- What do we really look for in our relationships with other people? I have to say I am feeling more positively about this than I was when I jotted it down. I was thinking about what we expect from other people and what we can expect and why we are in relationships. As I was driving into the city, I was tired and irritable (apparently that was been the recurring theme this week) and I wanted to blow off dinner and the ballet and go home and eat and veg and go to sleep (although I knew I probably wouldn't go to sleep) but I had made plans. I had plans every night this week that I had made last week and at the time I was excited about them and felt good that I was scheduled to do these fun, cool things and then Monday night and tonight i practically had to drag myself. But I had dinner with Joan and then we met Rach for a modern ballet and I remembered about just enjoying someone's company and sharing something with them and feeling understood. I guess we are looking to feel understood from others, from others we respect. I am really interested in understanding Joan as well.
Note on the ballet- i'm not a dance person. It's not how I express myself and I am very literal. I am tied to words. I dont' go to a lot of dance performances b/c i dont' find them particularly evocative. I enjoyed it tonight (I was happy to go for 12.50 and 90 minutes). I still didn't neccesarily relate to it but I liked the frenetic energy on the stage -I prefered the measured chaos of the whole company on stage as opposed to the solo pieces. It is amazing to see how powerful their bodies are. Of course i referenced myself and when my body was powerful and thought about how i miss it. It hasnt felt that way in a long time. Also I did spend some of the time thinking about what I thought of it and what I would write about it later and I thought am I becoming one of those people who observe my life instead of living it? And I realized that most of the time, I just sit down and free associate so observing my day with the intent to comment isn't really what I should be doing. That isn't what blogging is about for me.
- Recovery is a journey not a destination- i have to remember that even when I feel like I have arrived
I am trying to go to sleep on time as I have to get up early and I want to try to shift my schedule back from being so nocturnal. If I want to try the Oprah boot camp (and I did stay on my diet today- yay!) I will have to start getting up earlier. So i'll just type up my other notes as a list with no commentary (i may comment later, i always reserve the right to elaborate on a story, clearly I am queen of the tangent and the parenthetical remark)
-substance abuse
-secret admirer- i'll explain briefly- a few weeks ago someone left a rose on my windshield and last week someone left a party blower and while I know that these were left my random (probably drunk) people, it made me smile and i dreamed for a moment that I had some admirer. This week I had some random message on my voicemail and it must have been a crossed wire (or airwave) it was garbled but there was a masculine voice saying clearly "...I love you, Goodbye". Kind of fun for a moment to wonder who it might be even if I know it's really not a secret admirer.
- What's it all about? What do we live for? Perfect moments like Spalding Gray suggests? relationships? fulfillment- what does that mean? does life only make sense if you are religious and believe you are serving god. Which might be a problem for me because while i am observant I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a spiritual person. Without spirituality do we feel empty? Or does everyone feel empty sometimes and everyone created their own reason for being.
-Theory of mind deficit- are my perspective taking skills deficient? is this one of the illusions i have been harboring about myself that I have theory of mind skills when I dont'. Or maybe I did and they are just dormant now. I remember feeling connected to people last summer and wanting to help Beth feel good about herself and trying to be kind and friendly to everyone at PI.
I just wonder about my skills and empathy because I think of all the times, I didnt' use them with Lilah or when I turned it off to focus on what i wanted- maybe it isn't a theory of mind deficit but a compassion vacation.
- Counting friends- why do I care about the number of friends I would invite to my wedding or how popular I appear to be or how many people I see on a semi-regular basis- i would think quality is more important - or is it easier for me to be an ok friend to a lot of people b.c it doens't really require as much of me?
- The last 2 are completely illegible- i am telling myself its the highlighter and not my handwriting.

Integration

I know that I need to integrate all the versions of me and create a cohesive identity instead of trying on identities like outfits and wearing them for as long as I can. To a certain extent all of the outfits are me but they aren't the only me at any given time. Some people think I am totally emotionally healthy and others probably think that I am completely neurotic, I can be outgoing and friendly and approachable or I can be reclusive and pathetic and lonely. I am the damaged girl that keeps this blog and dropped out of college numerous times before graduating and the girl who has been bulimic for almost half her life and I am the community organizer, straight A student, overacheiver, and I am the fun, fiesty, firecracker who loves to do things and the girl who can spend days on end on her couch. Just gotta get it together

Lose your Illusion

I think I have to deliberately start stripping myself of my illusions about myself.

It's wasn't a "singing along with the radio" type of day

I've been pretty irritable and intolerant today. I am not sure why- the heat, dieting, my period, unhappiness, discontent - with myself? I don't like being this way. I get forgetful and unfocused when I am like this. I like being friendly and tolerant and laid back and easygoing- I like that me. This me? Not so much. It did get better as the day progressed. I think it might have been getting a haircut or meeting with the people I will be volunteering for this summer. Sometimes I really wonder "what is wrong with me?" You might think that 100 mg of Prozac daily would make it go away. I guess I should go back to regular exercise- I think it was better then but quite frankly, i'm not sure I remember. I may be romanticizing it. The truth is even when I was in great shape, I was still attached to my fake boyfriend crutch (fbc). I was spending as much time as I could with him, writing his admission essays and just hanging out in his apt. I can't imagine that was emotional health. I think I must be coming up on almost 10 years of therapy- should I be farther along by now? When am I there? When have I grown up? When will I be ready for intimacy? In some ways I am so lonely (God I HATE that word- it sounds pathetic, needy, desperate and sad) and I think I want to be with someone but I am not sure if I really do. I will surf jdate and talk about guys and being set up but do I really want to go out? Do I really want to start a relationship and start the process of getting to know someone and letting someone get to know me- am I ready to take that risk or am I too afraid? I like to think of myself as strong and brave but I think that may be just another illusion I harbor about myself. Being willing to take the risk to ask a guy out isn't really what is scary. Often, I think I do it when I think I'll get a "no" (on some level) so there really isn't a risk. Maybe i'm looking to affirm what I fear, that I am undesirable. Thinking about DWLI 1 is not an indication of how I am ready to be in a relationship, thinking about him maintains an obstacle to starting a real relationship. Am I ready to go on another first date- my recent dates haven't been painful but it's still awkward. I know I can make conversation with just about anyone on the phone but for some reason I'm not sure I really want to talk to RLS 1. We are playing phone tag and I tell myself that I am looking forward to speaking to him- but is it true? Seriously, what is wrong with me? I don't know what I think or why I am like this or what to do about it.
I got a call about an upcoming singles event and I really dont' want to go. I didn't commit either way mostly because I didn't think I could say, I just don't want to go. It's so nice of people to try and help people meet each other and all I want to say to them is "GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE". I don't want to be expected to go to singles events because I am 29 and single. I don't want to have to speak to people I barely know and I hate being "older single girl". I wouldn't mind being single if people didn't treat me like it was some problem that they wanted to help me fix. To be fair, people mean well and they think that they are helping me but I dont' like feeling like I need help. I think the help I need is in figuring out how to let someone in without paralyzing fear. It's no accident that I am overweight now, I'm keeping the weight as a barrier between me and dating and I dont' know how to stop. I really stuck to my diet today and then I went to Jesse to watch a movie and I had a slice of pizza and a serving of lite ice cream- not a binge (and I also had salad) but definitely not on my diet. First I 'm not sthought I shouldn't eat it because I am playing phone tag with RLS 1 and I will go out with him soon and I want to at least try to be a bit thinner. And then I ate it. This was also after I watched myself in the mirror for an hour as Suzanne was cutting my hair and I looked fat- she gave me a great haircut but still I need to lose weight to look cute - that should have given me an impetus to go to the gym instead of watching a movie on Jesse's couch (We saw Braveheart b/c he couldn't believe I had never seen it- it really is a good movie and of course now I want to learn all about Scottish history and William Wallace). I'm not sure I know what to think anymore. I think I am getting tired and need to go to bed- or rather put my laptop off my bed, pick up my book (sex and death to age 14 by spalding gray, although perhaps i should make some more headway on what to do if your adolescent has an eating disorder or the evolution of desire) and lay down. And I'll try to go to yoga tomorrow- we'll see if that helps at all. I think I am tired and I kind of feel tired of being me and I know that being me is pretty good. Maybe I really am just some kind of crazy.

The more things change....

Old impulses die hard, I was so tempted to send my blog to DWLI 1- i'm not sure what I thought it would accomplish. Obviously I had hoped it would bring him to me- but do I really think that would happen? Do I think he would read it and get to know me and we would start a truly intimate relationship? It's such a crazy, cringeworthy, desperate move- shades of the old me, this is what I would have done ten years ago and called it brave and strong. Ten years later and I still want to do the same pathetic, grasping, futile things.
I wonder if it is really about trying to push people away or show them the craziest me and then if they want to stick around, I'm safe b/c i'll never be found out. It reminds me of what Lilah had said to me after I didn't hear from DWLI 1- of course we had the routine, why can't guys just call when they say they are going to- it's not do much to expect people just to do what they say they are going to do. I got my sympathy and was told how stupid he was- after all what are best friends for? True best friends will not only tell you what you want to hear but also what they think you need to hear. I had worn jeans and a hoodie on my date with DWLI 1, as we had met for a movie and I was meeting a friend as soon as we were done. I liked the casual vibe and was really relaxed. Lilah told me that I can't wear jeans and a sweatshirt on a date and I seem to have this obsessive need to be myself on a date and show the most casual side of myself immediately- rather than selling myself and dressing up and then getting comfortable slowly and letting people get to know me before I bare my demons. She says I want to show them right away so I will know if they can handle it so I won't get attached and then reveal myself and hve them run. The problem is that before people are invested they are going to run at the first sign of trouble so essentially I am pushing people away before they get to know me.

Oops I did it again

All too familiar binge-purge. And I knew I was doing it and I shouldn't do it but i did anyway. I put up a token resistance at each point but who was I trying to fool. I could have stopped mysef but I didn't. I can't claim a compulsion or abdicate responsibility in another way. I don't know why I wanted to or what I thought it would accomplish. I was exhausted during therapy, all I wnated to do was go to sleep. I knew I could go to a meeting or the gym or get some reading done but I also knew that I wasn't going to, I thought I might just go home and go to sleep but that didnt' happen either. I went from therapy to the cafe down the block and first I was going to get a mocha latte and I did and then I ordered 2 mini onion tartlets and a piece of nectarine tart, a pecan bar, a chocolate croissant bread pudding, a strawberry oatmeal bar and a piece of pesto feta toast. I cabbed home instead of walking and then proceeded to eat most of the food. I didn't finish the strawberry oatmeal bar and i left some of the nectarine tart crust. But I ate everything else. And then I was going to lay down and go to sleep but then I couldn't believe i was going to sleep on such a full stomach. And I told myself that it was better to deal with the consequences of binging then to purge, I wasn't happy that I didn't make it through the fifth day of my diet but then I just went and purged. I basically threw up almost everything I had eaten. I know that dieting is hard and I guess I wasn't ready to do that.
As I write this Oprah's Boot camp is on television and I was going to turn it off but I realized that I couldn't hide from it. She says to own the number and eat consciously at every meal (as well as drinking water, no alcohol, eat breakfast, no white stuff, vigorous exercise 8 times a week and stop eating at 7:30). She talks about it as an emotional commitment. I suppose I have to make that commitment. I hope that this is the beginning of the road to that commitment. I should own my number - last week I went to the doctor and weighed 183, I had weighed 171 the previous May. I want to get back to that weight and then back to my weight at my sister's wedding- which was just under 150 and then I wanted to be thinner. I was 143 a few years ago and boy would I love to be back there.
I really wanted to go and hide after I purged, sleep or something and I figured I would bog later but I finally made myself do something or not do something and I started blogging right away.
I still want to go and hide and skip my plans tonight, I still want to eat the rice that is in my fridge.
Today in therapy we talked about my sense of entitlement and extreme expectations- I feel like I have a right to be thin, that if i want it and i'm ready for it, I shouldn't have to work hard for it.I want the quick, easy fix. Which is part of the problem- i need to commit to a long, slow, long-lasting process. It's going to take a while and I dont' want to work hard, I like the idea of working hard and when I am in the groove I can enjoy it but I haven't been in the groove for a long time. I want to get back to the groove. I miss being healthy and in shape and an early morning workout girl but do I miss it enough to do it? I miss being strong and fit and doing pilates twice a week. Oprah is talking about doing Pilates and i can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I did regular Pilates and I only stopped because I stopped. I didn't run out of time or my parents didn't say that they wouldn't pay for it anymore, I just stopped doing it and then I thought I would start again and i never did.
I went to buy clothes today, I wanted some cute tranisition clothes - I wanted to try and look cute so that I would look in the mirror and be aware of my appearance and hopefully be more cognizant of what I was eating and what it was doing to my body. I have been willfully ignoring it. I haven't paying attention to what I have been eating. I thought that feeling my fat rolls and acknowledging them would somehow make me diet but it's not. Maybe because looking at my weight makes me want to retreat but I dont' want to live this way. And I know that I have to make the difference, I have to make the commitment- and I can't say I dont' know how. As my grandmother used to say "shut your mouth and move your butt."
Oprah and her boot camp participants worked really hard and lost a lot of weight and are really excited about it.
I'll write more later about my sense of entitlement and overacheiving expectations. I want to work on those and on my tendency to hide and my fear of really knowing someone and being known by them, I want to work on my honesty - especially with myself.
I need to make a decision to really work on these issues, it's hard and it's work and it is not just going to happen. I hope i'm ready but i'm not sure that I am. I always want to start tomorrow with my self improvement plan. I know I'm strong enough to do this- am I ready? Do I really want to? What do I do? What am I waiting for?
Do I want to date? I dont' think so. I see couples and yearn to be part of one but I dont' know if I am really ready for it.
I still keep thinking about Dude Who Lost Interest #1 (DWLI 1) and we went on one date 4 weeks ago. I am not sure why I have this image that once I am ready we can go out again. I don't even know him and seeing as he didn't call me after he asked me out again, it's not promising and doesn't speak well of him. I seem to harbor this notion that I will make myself ready and then I will help him get ready and we will be together. Why won't I just give up on this guy? I dont' think of him all the time but every week in therapy as we talk about getting ready for a relationship he comes to mind. I am not sure I would recognize him if I saw him on the street but somehow he has become part of my impetus to be ready for a relationship. Or am I fixating on him as a means to stop myself from being open to new possibilities and open to really being intimate with someone? Do I want to be ready for a relationship, a really intimate relationship. Do i want to be able to let someone in and really be part of someone else's life and psyche? Do I want to have someone really know me? I'm not sure I am ready to give up that kind of space.

The non-sequitur - Take 2

This is my second attempt at this post. I had written the first section and then somehow (I am pretty much a techno-idiot) erased it. I'm not going to attempt to regurgitate that post so my recent book reviews and weekend activities will have to wait or go hang out with the other accidentally deleted masterpieces.

Am I insensitive to fears that I dont' have? If something doesn't bother me, do I think that it ought not to bother anyone else and if it does they should get over it? This seems to indicate a distinct lack of empathy, which will probably make it difficult to be an effective psychologist.

Spalding Gray kept a journal for seven years without missing a day- let's see how long I can go without missing a day of blogging. I dont even recall what is my longest stint of journal writing. I have kept my journals and I suppose I could look it up but I really haven't looked at my journals. I'm not sure why I feel the need to keep them. I guess I keep hoping that one day they will provide fodder for my great american novel or memoir. I'm not sure what I would write about, which is probably one of the reasons I haven't started- well that and my complete lack of discipline. I used to think that i wanted to write more than anything, I used to think I had something to say and that I was compelled to express myself. Not sure what happened to that girl.

I gave some guy from jdate my number and I haven't returned his call. I suspect that I am not going to and I feel a little hypocritical. I complain about the guys who don't call when they say they are going to or ask you on a second date and then disappear, etc. Is my behavior any better? Do we all navigate our way as best we can in this crazy world of dating and try to be honorable but also try to avoid awkwardness and reserve the right to change our minds? How much do we owe to someone we barely know- or is this just a sad attempt at justification? I know that our behavior should be dictated by our beliefs and should be consistent with our values. Charachter isnt about what is comfortable. I say I want someone with sterling charachter- do I have that? Do I really want that and would I be able to recognize it if I found it?

Still feeling fat but I got my period today and now I can tell myself that I"m bloated and it will go away. The way I think, you would assume that every month I gain 10 lbs from my period and then somehow it doesn't really go away. I am tired of feeling jealous and envious of thin girls and i'm tired of cloaking that envy in disdain. I find myself becoming irritated with girls who are thin and well-dressed. The was this cute, thin girl at Friday night services and Sat lunch and I know that I have never become friends with her because I have told myself that she couldn't be nice or fun or interesting and i hate that some of the guys I am friends with are friends with her as well. She is perfectly nice and I wonder if I would have warmed up to her if I met her when I was thin or at least thinner.

This week's edition of 10 facts about me

1- My watch has dancing flowers on its face. I bought it because I really appreciated this bit of whimsy.
2-I am really uncomfortable with any signs of my dad's vulnerability.
3- I have been to babeland (www.babeland.com) but never really used what I have purchased. I do plan to attend one of their seminars though.
4- I have used other people's toothbrushs when neccesary ( I didn't neccesarily tell them but I did wash and dry it afterwards)- I'm not proud of it.
5- I met my roommate's ex when she did and I kinda liked him too but there was a distinct lack of schadenfreude when they broke up.
6- I get regular pedicures but I rarely wear make-up.
7- I'll drive after one drink
8- I try to make my bed every day but recently I haven't been that on top of it.
9- The first time I read Marjorie Morningstar I put it down for months when I realized it wasn't going to end the way I thought it should. I did finish it and at different points in my life I had different relationships with the resolution of the story. It was my favorite book for a while (probably from about 14-18) but I don't know what I would say my favorite book is now.
10- I think I prefer brown haired men with cool glasses and I like it to feel solid when a man hugs you.

The F word

When my younger cousin was in elementary school, my aunt got called into school because he had said "the F word." My aunt was upset and really confused, she couldn't imagine where he had picked up that word. (In LA there are no school buses which is where the rest of us picked up such words). She rushes to school and is mortified as she talks to the principal. She apologizes profusely and asserts that he did not learn that word at home. She finally gets to see my cousin who is sobbing. She asks him what happened and through his tears, he tells her that he called another kid "gulp, ...sob, ....FAT."
People seem to be afraid of the words fat. Girls only use the word when they know that no one else would ascribe it to them. They feel fat, or they look fat in these size 4 jeans or they ate a lot today and they are really fat. Most people use it with other people as a prompt for the second person to assure them that they are not fat or don't look fat in some outfit. It's this ugly word that no one wants to use- people might tell you that you could drop a few pounds or you are overweight but fat is this verboten word.
I realized that I will think of myself as overweight and that seems temporary and impersonal but I don't think I am fat. It was only recently that I looked at myself and I realized, no, no, I'm fat. It was the revelation, it somehow made it more personal and made me recognize that I have to own it, this is me and I'm letting myself get fat by ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Assuming that it will resolve itself in its own time. Or that it doesn't matter because it doesn't fundamentally change who I am. Just because I can still buy clothes in a regular store doesn't mean that I am not fat. If I am buying the biggest size or more often, avoiding shopping all together, I am still not thin. Which is how I think about it, I'm not skinny or thin but I don't make the leap to fat. I think I have to face it. I think I have to acknowledge that I am fat or getting fat and I have to do something about it.
I am trying to move away from the dieting and think about adopting a healthy lifestyle. I am not sure how to do that as I tried to do that in the past. I tried to eat more a balanced diet and exercise regularly, and it worked for a short time, as it always does. I think my most recent attempt lasted longer than any of the previous attempts and I tried to give myself a little room to eat ice cream and chocolate. I tried to refrain from engaging in a prohibitively restrictive diet that is doomed to fail. I thought I had altered my eating habits but here I am now, no longer in good shape or eating well. I am not sure how I got here, I'm not sure what happened and I dont' know how to proceed. How can I really change my eating habits, not for a month or two but for a lifetime? Every time I lose the weight I promise myself (and my mother) that it is the last time. I give away all my "fat clothes" and as I gain weight I have to wear the same few outfits. I get really anxious as an event approaches because I have nothing to wear as I have given away my previous incarnation of fat clothes and I dont' fit into my skinny clothes and I don't want to buy clothes in this size and i'm scared to find out what this size really is. I have missed more than one party or occasion because I didnt' have anything to wear. I have been "sick" or have fabricated some other excuse.
I'm writing this sitting cross legged on my bed and I feel the two rolls of fat bunched up. I hate it. I hate that my thighs rubbed together when I went walking in a skirt today and now my inner thighs are red and raw. And I hate that I won't take pictures because I dont' want to record this. I have spaces in my life that have not been photographed. I went on vacation with my siblings and I am not in one of the pictures. I am obsessed with my nephew but have no photos with him. There were some points in my life when I thought I was fat but I was much thinner than I am now and I have no pictures of those times and afterwards I realized how silly it was and how I was young and cute and wasn't fat then. I dont' think I have had a picture taken of me in about a year.
How do I do it differently this time around? I'm fat now, I'm not just not thin right now people will call me fat (although never to my face) and they would be right. I am no longer average or athletic looking or have a few extra pounds. My sister took a picture that I made her delete and I looked fat, I tried to say that it was because my hoodie pockets were full but I looked like I did at the picture at my cousin's wedding. When I saw that picture, I was horrified and promised myself that I would never let myself look like that again, but here I am. I can no longer pretend that my jdate picture resembles the current version of me. It is not a case of gaining five pounds since the picture was taken and it is no longer just a really flattering picture.

Randomness

1-Day one of my diet completed- mostly successfully. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

2- I hate that lying to my parents often causes me to lie to my sister and it's not that I think she will tell them but I dont' want to put her in that position and generally i think i am in the wrong or that she will think i'm in the wrong. i love her a lot and we are really close- mostly. Some of our values are different- or that is just what i tell myself.

3- i am really skeptical about online dating yet i persist in checking into jdate regularly- at least recently- generally it is cylical- i'll check religiously for a week or two and then stay away for a couple of months. I actually gave someone my number for the first time this week. I'm not sure why I did that and I dont' think we are really compatible. I had been corresponding with 2 people who have since dissappeared. Even I am not needy enough to chase e-guys and justify to myself as the cool confident chick move- that is my patented MO.

4- My parents friends want to set me up with a guy that I know exactly two things about- he is a neurologist and he has type 1 diabetes. Being a neurologist should not supply sufficient grounds to go out with him and should the diabetes disqualify him. I was thinking about Meredith Viera marrying someone who told her that he had MS on the first date and about Kermit- the ex who was green. Is this not a big deal? Is is not even a deal? I asked Jesse as he is really familiar with this disease as his mom was diagnosed right after she got engaged and he says that in 2006 it isn't a big deal as long as you take care of yourself. I dont' know that I take care of myself- would I if i was ill? Do I think that I should take someone who is DG (damaged goods) in some way like a gay man who wants to adopt? When I was with Kermit, I told myself that I was special because I was willing to accept this, I was a big person. Was I? Probably not, big people dont' consider themselves as such. Joey thought that my history of depression and bulimia explained my willingness to deal with his issues. Actually he felt like we were making some kind of trade. Do I think dating diabetic doctor is a way to go out with a guy that might not date me if he were healthy? do I feel like it gives me some sense of control over the relationship as the nominally healthy member? What I do isn't important but how I think about it is and more vital is what it reveals regarding what I am thinking about myself.

5- Notes to self- future posts- right amount of selfishness?, fake boyfriend crutches, friends with benefits/fb, evaluating guys as potentials, time management, buying affection, where does security come from?, on being a chocolate and on being an addict- we'll see if I flesh any of these ideas out.

Recommended Reading

I will write reviews as I finish books or I may comment on what I am reading if it is relevant. I did recently order a whole bunch of books from Barnes and Noble. I figured I would just mention what I have read this week. Gray's Anatomy by Spalding Gray- i liked it a lot, i had seen some of these monologues performed at PS 122 as part of "Leftover Stories to Tell" and I didnt' realize how much the actors brought to the piece. It was a totally different experience but I still enjoy him. He is touching, funny, ironic, deep and poignant and very, very familiar. As I said to Harry and Sally this week, he is the mackdaddy of the chocolates. I also finished "the line of beauty" which i liked as well. Set in 1980s London, it's interesting and a pretty quick read. The narrator is a young, gay man and i'm not sure why i am drawn to those kinds of stories but I am. In the same vein, I read "Boyculture", I saw the film at the Tribeca Film festival and enjoyed it so I bought the book. I think this may be the first time that I thought the movie was better. The film took some interesting ideas and fleshed them out a bit more. I also bought HEEB magazine today when I was looking for Guilt and Pleasure, which I was told will be in on Friday. Guilt and Pleasure is a Leonard Lopate find, that I havent actually been able to find and I have been looking (when I remember) for quite some time- I guess if I was really motivated I would have gotten a subscription- but that seems like overkill for a magazine that I heard people discussing on the radio but I haven't yet seen. Also, read the voice today- they didnt' like Wordplay which was dissappointing but I had really been looking forward to seeing it. Other than the Times, i think that covers this week's reading. Currently reading more Spalding Gray and carrying around 3 other books that I am in middle of reading or intending to read imminently- some for the past 3 months.

Yoga for dummies

I went to yoga today for the first time in weeks (and it had been months between that time and the previous one.) When I go, I kind of hate it and love it. I particularly hate how out of shape I have become. I didn't really love watching myself in the mirror when I did pilates 2 years ago and then I was 30-35 pounds thinner and exercising daily. I was really strong and taking advanced pilates class. Today, I had to do all of the modifications to make the practice easier and I really didn't want to look at myself in the mirror or look around the class at everyone who was thinner and better than me. On one had it is upsetting to see how far I have let myself go and on the other hand, I was here before and worked my way up to that level of fitness so I could probably do it again. I know yoga is supposed to be relaxing and it kind of is but I don't think you are supposed to be focusing on how much harder it is than it used to be when you are supposed to be focusing on the breath. When I remembered, I tried to use the breath to make it easier but I dont' think it really worked for me. Of course after I left the gym, I felt healthy so I ate well - well at least until dinner. I also used that productive feeling to impel me to finally get my tox screen so that I can start volunteering and to take care of errands and other minutae. I would like to go back to the gym tomorrow but I'm not sure that it is really going to happen. I wouldn't have made it today had I not been meeting a friend there. I wonder if my parents can tell when I am lying. I claim to be at the gym a lot more than I actually go. So when I do get to the gym, I think I speak about it differently than when I don't go. When I pretend to do something I haven't done, I dont' embellish or provide anecdotes or details. Any iniquiries are met with vague answers but when I go somewhere I say I am going to be, I turn into Chatty Cathy. Am i giving myself away? Does everyone lie? To what extent? Is this something I should be working on? i know that I'm totally proud to be myself when I am transparent? Or is it Ok to lie to get some space for oneself? Lilah makes a point of telling the truth because people lie when they are depressed. When you are not interested in anything and doing even less, you generally lie about your activities and probably about your feelings (although you may be less cognizant of those lies). Lying is behavior that is associated with depression. That is certainly true for me but I don't think I'm currently depressed and I am still lying. Maybe I have been depressed, I have had odd sleeping and eating patterns and I know that it always a harbinger for me. However, I dont' think I have been disinterested or disengaged- which is how i think i experience depression. I am not sure that I really know and sometimes I'm not convinced I have recurrent major depression- sometimes I just feel like I am lazy or unmotivated or just totally out of touch. I dont know what I think or how I feel and sometimes I don't know what is real and true. Do I know what I believe?

Haunted by a should

There are all these shoulds in my life. I should get a job so that I can at least contribute to my expenses. It doesn't matter if my parents can afford my rent and if I work full-time as a volunteer. If my parents couldn't swing it, I wouldn't live in such an expensive neighborhood adn I wouldn't go out all the time and I would wait tables or do whatever I had to do. I have no sense of fiscal responsibility and I'm not sure how I am supposed to fix that. I haven't collected a paycheck in close to 2 years and I haven't realaly been willing to take a job that I didn't want. I didn't want to temp or teach SAT prep or work at night. I have taken tons of unpaid positions in the past 2 years and until the past couple of months, I have been really busy. I miss being busy. I am looking forward to a very rigorous fall semester, although i'll be stressed as I am going through it.
I should get more exercise and I should eat more healthfully. I miss being in shape and I miss being a gym rat - but apparently not enough to get myself back to the gym on a regular basis. When I go, I'm happy i'm there and promise myself that I will be back soon. I remember waking up early every morning to exercise- it's not like I liked getting out of bed early in the morning but I knew I wouldn't be thrilled to get out of bed 90 minuted later. I liked feeling athletic and limber. Do i miss it enough to get myself back there?
My dad thinks i should pray more and observe more strigently. For years, I have been telling myself that my dad has no place in my relationship with G-d, that it is the most private relationship one has, my dad is just wants me to affirm his values- do I really believe that?
I dont' know what I believe and what I should do- but i'm tired so i'm going to go to bed and read my book. ('It's a Slippery Slope" by Spalding Gray)

Weights and Waits

So I think I want to get married but I sort of feel like I can't really date until I lose weight but I am not really doing anything about losing weight. My diet and exercise plan will always start tomorrow. I have lost the weight before and been in much better shape. I went to the doctor on Friday and I am near my all-time high. I don't know if I lack willpower or I just lack will.
Lilah tells me that she isn't worried, I will lose the weight when I am ready and that it is silly to force it, it is like trying to teach a child to read before they are ready (guess her occupation). Why am I not ready? What am I waiting for? And how do I get ready?
I thought I got over all my issues about dating. I thought that I had exiled myself from the Groucho club and that I had learned to value and accept myself. I thought I became the man I wanted to marry and that I had put myself on a strong growth trajectory so that I was poised to date and marry and continue growing. I like myself which is huge for me. So what is missing? What am I missing? And how do I find it?
Am I ready to share my life with someone? Am I ready for someone to really know me? Do I want to get married to someone who doesn't really get me so that I am not so vulnerable? I thought I was brave and strong and ready but I'm not quite sure anymore. I guess, that is what this blog is about- exploring what is really going on in my head and practicing letting people in. For a long time I harbored this illusion that I was self aware and open and accessible but it was all about the spin control. I controlled my image to everyone, including myself and I just didn't realize it. It's not that the picture was always so pretty but I wonder if it was ever really true. I think parts of it have been true but it is like looking through glasses that need to be washed (as mine often do) - you see something and it's real but it's not clear and it's not the whole accurate picture.
I'm trying to see myself accurately- i'm trying to spin and control less and see more. I am hoping that I can learn to feel myself so that I can let someone feel me. I'm not sure how to do it but I learned to accept myself (or some distorted version of myself which is better than the criticizing and rejecting that had preceded that) and i'm not sure how i did that either.
I think part of it is about accepting ambiguity which I am not that good at. I like extremes -i'm either at the gym every day or not at all. I have to learn to appreciate what my parents do for me while still recognizing the ways in which they failed me. I am trying to stop seeing myself as loser or wonderwoman- i am probably both at different times. Life is complicated, I am complicated.
And as I start thinking about dating and relationships, I have to remember that relationships are complicated too (as Felicity said "relationships are hard, they just are.") I don't have an uncomplicated relationship with myself of with my best friend, I can hardly expect any significant relationship to be any simpler.

Fears

So we have been having a little mouse problem in my apt. I think they came from the restaurant that is below our apt. I have been the one who has been buying, setting and disposing of traps. My roommate tells me that I am her hero, I am the bravest girl she knows. She also repeatedly admires how calm and laid back I am. I'm fairly unflappable and I freak out pretty infrequently. So I am not really frightened by rodents (although i won't pretend they don't give me the willies) but I am afraid of other things. I can surf, ski, snowboard, skydive and I'm pretty calm about having 10 people over unannounced. However, I am starting to realize that I am harboring a lot of fear and anxiety.The craziest part is i'm not sure what the anxiety is about- i only know it is real by observing its effects. I dont think I am afraid of intimacy or of being known or of commitment but I haven't been pursuing them on anything other than a superficial level.Talking about it seems spoiled b/c it seems like a fake problem or one of luxury- basically the type of thing you talk about in therapy if you can afford to go to therapy for years. Kind of like the princess and the pea, some might say even if you feel it, if you are sleeping on 20 down mattresses just roll over or ignore it. Only a real brat would pay attention and expect it to be removed.