Bitter by the numbers
175- My weight on the scale in my aunt's house
7 or 8- Number of pounds my mother told me I could lose by July 5th when Random Lawyer Set up #1 (RLS 1) is coming back to the States and we are then having our first date
3 or so- Number of times that my mother said she couldn't get over this guy whose daughter suffered from an eating disorder who tracked me down to see if he could help (he is also a pediatrician)
0- Number of times my mother actually spoke to me about this project this weekend. I was totally freaking out this afternoon and considered calling her and I realized i wanted to have that kind of relationship with her but I dont'.
I feel like a super brat because my parents pay my bills and help me out and run errands for me and buy me stuff and I take it and I lie to them and in some ways I feel like they are really wonderful and I couldn't disrespect them by coming out about my mental health history but I feel like i can't come out about it because my parents dont' acknowledge it. We never talk about it. I have been vomiting (not by design) and we don't really talk about my diminished peristalsis. My mom picks up my Prozac from the pharmacy and we call it my medication and they know I go to therapy once a week (I think they are really wondering when I will be done) but we dont' really talk about my bulimia or depression. My relationship with my mother should not be any different or feel any more comfortable when I am thinner.
Random note- This guy in the bar said "I love being me" to the bartender when he was buying his wine- I miss that. I miss feeling that way. I think I did at some points. I think I remember thinking that I love my life earlier this year and I remember saying in therapy that I finally feel like I am the person I wanted to be, the person I looked up to, the person who would apply to grad school in Atlanta and go there if she got in, the strong, independent, confident girl- where did she go? I am not sure she ever really resided in me.
7 or 8- Number of pounds my mother told me I could lose by July 5th when Random Lawyer Set up #1 (RLS 1) is coming back to the States and we are then having our first date
3 or so- Number of times that my mother said she couldn't get over this guy whose daughter suffered from an eating disorder who tracked me down to see if he could help (he is also a pediatrician)
0- Number of times my mother actually spoke to me about this project this weekend. I was totally freaking out this afternoon and considered calling her and I realized i wanted to have that kind of relationship with her but I dont'.
I feel like a super brat because my parents pay my bills and help me out and run errands for me and buy me stuff and I take it and I lie to them and in some ways I feel like they are really wonderful and I couldn't disrespect them by coming out about my mental health history but I feel like i can't come out about it because my parents dont' acknowledge it. We never talk about it. I have been vomiting (not by design) and we don't really talk about my diminished peristalsis. My mom picks up my Prozac from the pharmacy and we call it my medication and they know I go to therapy once a week (I think they are really wondering when I will be done) but we dont' really talk about my bulimia or depression. My relationship with my mother should not be any different or feel any more comfortable when I am thinner.
Random note- This guy in the bar said "I love being me" to the bartender when he was buying his wine- I miss that. I miss feeling that way. I think I did at some points. I think I remember thinking that I love my life earlier this year and I remember saying in therapy that I finally feel like I am the person I wanted to be, the person I looked up to, the person who would apply to grad school in Atlanta and go there if she got in, the strong, independent, confident girl- where did she go? I am not sure she ever really resided in me.
posted by Zoe at 2:54 AM
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