The more things change....
Old impulses die hard, I was so tempted to send my blog to DWLI 1- i'm not sure what I thought it would accomplish. Obviously I had hoped it would bring him to me- but do I really think that would happen? Do I think he would read it and get to know me and we would start a truly intimate relationship? It's such a crazy, cringeworthy, desperate move- shades of the old me, this is what I would have done ten years ago and called it brave and strong. Ten years later and I still want to do the same pathetic, grasping, futile things.
I wonder if it is really about trying to push people away or show them the craziest me and then if they want to stick around, I'm safe b/c i'll never be found out. It reminds me of what Lilah had said to me after I didn't hear from DWLI 1- of course we had the routine, why can't guys just call when they say they are going to- it's not do much to expect people just to do what they say they are going to do. I got my sympathy and was told how stupid he was- after all what are best friends for? True best friends will not only tell you what you want to hear but also what they think you need to hear. I had worn jeans and a hoodie on my date with DWLI 1, as we had met for a movie and I was meeting a friend as soon as we were done. I liked the casual vibe and was really relaxed. Lilah told me that I can't wear jeans and a sweatshirt on a date and I seem to have this obsessive need to be myself on a date and show the most casual side of myself immediately- rather than selling myself and dressing up and then getting comfortable slowly and letting people get to know me before I bare my demons. She says I want to show them right away so I will know if they can handle it so I won't get attached and then reveal myself and hve them run. The problem is that before people are invested they are going to run at the first sign of trouble so essentially I am pushing people away before they get to know me.
I wonder if it is really about trying to push people away or show them the craziest me and then if they want to stick around, I'm safe b/c i'll never be found out. It reminds me of what Lilah had said to me after I didn't hear from DWLI 1- of course we had the routine, why can't guys just call when they say they are going to- it's not do much to expect people just to do what they say they are going to do. I got my sympathy and was told how stupid he was- after all what are best friends for? True best friends will not only tell you what you want to hear but also what they think you need to hear. I had worn jeans and a hoodie on my date with DWLI 1, as we had met for a movie and I was meeting a friend as soon as we were done. I liked the casual vibe and was really relaxed. Lilah told me that I can't wear jeans and a sweatshirt on a date and I seem to have this obsessive need to be myself on a date and show the most casual side of myself immediately- rather than selling myself and dressing up and then getting comfortable slowly and letting people get to know me before I bare my demons. She says I want to show them right away so I will know if they can handle it so I won't get attached and then reveal myself and hve them run. The problem is that before people are invested they are going to run at the first sign of trouble so essentially I am pushing people away before they get to know me.
posted by Zoe at 5:31 PM
2 Comments:
it feels really cheap (to say nothing of self absorbed) to feel compelled to make an...ahem.... "clarification" here. it's not that it's bad or good to wear a hoodie and jeans on a first date. my issue is not that you did so but that you felt compelled to do so. That you repeatedly feel compelled. Drive your ship however you wish to but BE AWARE you are driving it. or rather, be aware of what's driving you! What i meant about the hoodie thing is this: We all (little girls) have this silly fantasy of being loved "just the way we are" (brigitte jones anybody?)We have romantic notions undoubtedly gleaned from awful movies that some guy should walk in on us when we jsut happen to have typhoid, leprosy and a mud mask on and yet!! yet!! fall madly passionately in love with us anyway. I could argue that that's not how it works in real life etc etc and that it betrays a little girl's rather than an adult woman's understanding of how men work but the truth is it doesn't actually matter. What matters is that you (and me sister. and me.) become of aware of the unconcious wishes/sets of assumptions etc that underlie our behavior. All that crap about "mindfulness" right? maybe not such crap. some other time (and place for godsake) we can get into the idea of recognizing how men fall in love. the problem with the above version is that it's how WE (chicks) fall in love. not how/why men do it. ok. now that i have officially made an ass of myself on your blog and lapsed into crap found in the embarassing sections of the bookstore i am going to shut up. i am so not signing this. love and kisses though :)
i don't think women fall "in love" these days that differently from men. we're not falling in love with any guys just the way they are: badly dressed, sans car, unemployed...let's not even begin to talk about looks. i finally decided to take better care of what i look like because i realized that i want a good looking boyfriend/mate, and i'd assume they'd want the same from me...though so far it's being wasted on a bunch of fugly unemployed types.
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