Oops I did it again
All too familiar binge-purge. And I knew I was doing it and I shouldn't do it but i did anyway. I put up a token resistance at each point but who was I trying to fool. I could have stopped mysef but I didn't. I can't claim a compulsion or abdicate responsibility in another way. I don't know why I wanted to or what I thought it would accomplish. I was exhausted during therapy, all I wnated to do was go to sleep. I knew I could go to a meeting or the gym or get some reading done but I also knew that I wasn't going to, I thought I might just go home and go to sleep but that didnt' happen either. I went from therapy to the cafe down the block and first I was going to get a mocha latte and I did and then I ordered 2 mini onion tartlets and a piece of nectarine tart, a pecan bar, a chocolate croissant bread pudding, a strawberry oatmeal bar and a piece of pesto feta toast. I cabbed home instead of walking and then proceeded to eat most of the food. I didn't finish the strawberry oatmeal bar and i left some of the nectarine tart crust. But I ate everything else. And then I was going to lay down and go to sleep but then I couldn't believe i was going to sleep on such a full stomach. And I told myself that it was better to deal with the consequences of binging then to purge, I wasn't happy that I didn't make it through the fifth day of my diet but then I just went and purged. I basically threw up almost everything I had eaten. I know that dieting is hard and I guess I wasn't ready to do that.
As I write this Oprah's Boot camp is on television and I was going to turn it off but I realized that I couldn't hide from it. She says to own the number and eat consciously at every meal (as well as drinking water, no alcohol, eat breakfast, no white stuff, vigorous exercise 8 times a week and stop eating at 7:30). She talks about it as an emotional commitment. I suppose I have to make that commitment. I hope that this is the beginning of the road to that commitment. I should own my number - last week I went to the doctor and weighed 183, I had weighed 171 the previous May. I want to get back to that weight and then back to my weight at my sister's wedding- which was just under 150 and then I wanted to be thinner. I was 143 a few years ago and boy would I love to be back there.
I really wanted to go and hide after I purged, sleep or something and I figured I would bog later but I finally made myself do something or not do something and I started blogging right away.
I still want to go and hide and skip my plans tonight, I still want to eat the rice that is in my fridge.
Today in therapy we talked about my sense of entitlement and extreme expectations- I feel like I have a right to be thin, that if i want it and i'm ready for it, I shouldn't have to work hard for it.I want the quick, easy fix. Which is part of the problem- i need to commit to a long, slow, long-lasting process. It's going to take a while and I dont' want to work hard, I like the idea of working hard and when I am in the groove I can enjoy it but I haven't been in the groove for a long time. I want to get back to the groove. I miss being healthy and in shape and an early morning workout girl but do I miss it enough to do it? I miss being strong and fit and doing pilates twice a week. Oprah is talking about doing Pilates and i can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I did regular Pilates and I only stopped because I stopped. I didn't run out of time or my parents didn't say that they wouldn't pay for it anymore, I just stopped doing it and then I thought I would start again and i never did.
I went to buy clothes today, I wanted some cute tranisition clothes - I wanted to try and look cute so that I would look in the mirror and be aware of my appearance and hopefully be more cognizant of what I was eating and what it was doing to my body. I have been willfully ignoring it. I haven't paying attention to what I have been eating. I thought that feeling my fat rolls and acknowledging them would somehow make me diet but it's not. Maybe because looking at my weight makes me want to retreat but I dont' want to live this way. And I know that I have to make the difference, I have to make the commitment- and I can't say I dont' know how. As my grandmother used to say "shut your mouth and move your butt."
Oprah and her boot camp participants worked really hard and lost a lot of weight and are really excited about it.
I'll write more later about my sense of entitlement and overacheiving expectations. I want to work on those and on my tendency to hide and my fear of really knowing someone and being known by them, I want to work on my honesty - especially with myself.
I need to make a decision to really work on these issues, it's hard and it's work and it is not just going to happen. I hope i'm ready but i'm not sure that I am. I always want to start tomorrow with my self improvement plan. I know I'm strong enough to do this- am I ready? Do I really want to? What do I do? What am I waiting for?
Do I want to date? I dont' think so. I see couples and yearn to be part of one but I dont' know if I am really ready for it.
I still keep thinking about Dude Who Lost Interest #1 (DWLI 1) and we went on one date 4 weeks ago. I am not sure why I have this image that once I am ready we can go out again. I don't even know him and seeing as he didn't call me after he asked me out again, it's not promising and doesn't speak well of him. I seem to harbor this notion that I will make myself ready and then I will help him get ready and we will be together. Why won't I just give up on this guy? I dont' think of him all the time but every week in therapy as we talk about getting ready for a relationship he comes to mind. I am not sure I would recognize him if I saw him on the street but somehow he has become part of my impetus to be ready for a relationship. Or am I fixating on him as a means to stop myself from being open to new possibilities and open to really being intimate with someone? Do I want to be ready for a relationship, a really intimate relationship. Do i want to be able to let someone in and really be part of someone else's life and psyche? Do I want to have someone really know me? I'm not sure I am ready to give up that kind of space.
As I write this Oprah's Boot camp is on television and I was going to turn it off but I realized that I couldn't hide from it. She says to own the number and eat consciously at every meal (as well as drinking water, no alcohol, eat breakfast, no white stuff, vigorous exercise 8 times a week and stop eating at 7:30). She talks about it as an emotional commitment. I suppose I have to make that commitment. I hope that this is the beginning of the road to that commitment. I should own my number - last week I went to the doctor and weighed 183, I had weighed 171 the previous May. I want to get back to that weight and then back to my weight at my sister's wedding- which was just under 150 and then I wanted to be thinner. I was 143 a few years ago and boy would I love to be back there.
I really wanted to go and hide after I purged, sleep or something and I figured I would bog later but I finally made myself do something or not do something and I started blogging right away.
I still want to go and hide and skip my plans tonight, I still want to eat the rice that is in my fridge.
Today in therapy we talked about my sense of entitlement and extreme expectations- I feel like I have a right to be thin, that if i want it and i'm ready for it, I shouldn't have to work hard for it.I want the quick, easy fix. Which is part of the problem- i need to commit to a long, slow, long-lasting process. It's going to take a while and I dont' want to work hard, I like the idea of working hard and when I am in the groove I can enjoy it but I haven't been in the groove for a long time. I want to get back to the groove. I miss being healthy and in shape and an early morning workout girl but do I miss it enough to do it? I miss being strong and fit and doing pilates twice a week. Oprah is talking about doing Pilates and i can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I did regular Pilates and I only stopped because I stopped. I didn't run out of time or my parents didn't say that they wouldn't pay for it anymore, I just stopped doing it and then I thought I would start again and i never did.
I went to buy clothes today, I wanted some cute tranisition clothes - I wanted to try and look cute so that I would look in the mirror and be aware of my appearance and hopefully be more cognizant of what I was eating and what it was doing to my body. I have been willfully ignoring it. I haven't paying attention to what I have been eating. I thought that feeling my fat rolls and acknowledging them would somehow make me diet but it's not. Maybe because looking at my weight makes me want to retreat but I dont' want to live this way. And I know that I have to make the difference, I have to make the commitment- and I can't say I dont' know how. As my grandmother used to say "shut your mouth and move your butt."
Oprah and her boot camp participants worked really hard and lost a lot of weight and are really excited about it.
I'll write more later about my sense of entitlement and overacheiving expectations. I want to work on those and on my tendency to hide and my fear of really knowing someone and being known by them, I want to work on my honesty - especially with myself.
I need to make a decision to really work on these issues, it's hard and it's work and it is not just going to happen. I hope i'm ready but i'm not sure that I am. I always want to start tomorrow with my self improvement plan. I know I'm strong enough to do this- am I ready? Do I really want to? What do I do? What am I waiting for?
Do I want to date? I dont' think so. I see couples and yearn to be part of one but I dont' know if I am really ready for it.
I still keep thinking about Dude Who Lost Interest #1 (DWLI 1) and we went on one date 4 weeks ago. I am not sure why I have this image that once I am ready we can go out again. I don't even know him and seeing as he didn't call me after he asked me out again, it's not promising and doesn't speak well of him. I seem to harbor this notion that I will make myself ready and then I will help him get ready and we will be together. Why won't I just give up on this guy? I dont' think of him all the time but every week in therapy as we talk about getting ready for a relationship he comes to mind. I am not sure I would recognize him if I saw him on the street but somehow he has become part of my impetus to be ready for a relationship. Or am I fixating on him as a means to stop myself from being open to new possibilities and open to really being intimate with someone? Do I want to be ready for a relationship, a really intimate relationship. Do i want to be able to let someone in and really be part of someone else's life and psyche? Do I want to have someone really know me? I'm not sure I am ready to give up that kind of space.
posted by Zoe at 3:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home