The F word

When my younger cousin was in elementary school, my aunt got called into school because he had said "the F word." My aunt was upset and really confused, she couldn't imagine where he had picked up that word. (In LA there are no school buses which is where the rest of us picked up such words). She rushes to school and is mortified as she talks to the principal. She apologizes profusely and asserts that he did not learn that word at home. She finally gets to see my cousin who is sobbing. She asks him what happened and through his tears, he tells her that he called another kid "gulp, ...sob, ....FAT."
People seem to be afraid of the words fat. Girls only use the word when they know that no one else would ascribe it to them. They feel fat, or they look fat in these size 4 jeans or they ate a lot today and they are really fat. Most people use it with other people as a prompt for the second person to assure them that they are not fat or don't look fat in some outfit. It's this ugly word that no one wants to use- people might tell you that you could drop a few pounds or you are overweight but fat is this verboten word.
I realized that I will think of myself as overweight and that seems temporary and impersonal but I don't think I am fat. It was only recently that I looked at myself and I realized, no, no, I'm fat. It was the revelation, it somehow made it more personal and made me recognize that I have to own it, this is me and I'm letting myself get fat by ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Assuming that it will resolve itself in its own time. Or that it doesn't matter because it doesn't fundamentally change who I am. Just because I can still buy clothes in a regular store doesn't mean that I am not fat. If I am buying the biggest size or more often, avoiding shopping all together, I am still not thin. Which is how I think about it, I'm not skinny or thin but I don't make the leap to fat. I think I have to face it. I think I have to acknowledge that I am fat or getting fat and I have to do something about it.
I am trying to move away from the dieting and think about adopting a healthy lifestyle. I am not sure how to do that as I tried to do that in the past. I tried to eat more a balanced diet and exercise regularly, and it worked for a short time, as it always does. I think my most recent attempt lasted longer than any of the previous attempts and I tried to give myself a little room to eat ice cream and chocolate. I tried to refrain from engaging in a prohibitively restrictive diet that is doomed to fail. I thought I had altered my eating habits but here I am now, no longer in good shape or eating well. I am not sure how I got here, I'm not sure what happened and I dont' know how to proceed. How can I really change my eating habits, not for a month or two but for a lifetime? Every time I lose the weight I promise myself (and my mother) that it is the last time. I give away all my "fat clothes" and as I gain weight I have to wear the same few outfits. I get really anxious as an event approaches because I have nothing to wear as I have given away my previous incarnation of fat clothes and I dont' fit into my skinny clothes and I don't want to buy clothes in this size and i'm scared to find out what this size really is. I have missed more than one party or occasion because I didnt' have anything to wear. I have been "sick" or have fabricated some other excuse.
I'm writing this sitting cross legged on my bed and I feel the two rolls of fat bunched up. I hate it. I hate that my thighs rubbed together when I went walking in a skirt today and now my inner thighs are red and raw. And I hate that I won't take pictures because I dont' want to record this. I have spaces in my life that have not been photographed. I went on vacation with my siblings and I am not in one of the pictures. I am obsessed with my nephew but have no photos with him. There were some points in my life when I thought I was fat but I was much thinner than I am now and I have no pictures of those times and afterwards I realized how silly it was and how I was young and cute and wasn't fat then. I dont' think I have had a picture taken of me in about a year.
How do I do it differently this time around? I'm fat now, I'm not just not thin right now people will call me fat (although never to my face) and they would be right. I am no longer average or athletic looking or have a few extra pounds. My sister took a picture that I made her delete and I looked fat, I tried to say that it was because my hoodie pockets were full but I looked like I did at the picture at my cousin's wedding. When I saw that picture, I was horrified and promised myself that I would never let myself look like that again, but here I am. I can no longer pretend that my jdate picture resembles the current version of me. It is not a case of gaining five pounds since the picture was taken and it is no longer just a really flattering picture.