It's wasn't a "singing along with the radio" type of day

I've been pretty irritable and intolerant today. I am not sure why- the heat, dieting, my period, unhappiness, discontent - with myself? I don't like being this way. I get forgetful and unfocused when I am like this. I like being friendly and tolerant and laid back and easygoing- I like that me. This me? Not so much. It did get better as the day progressed. I think it might have been getting a haircut or meeting with the people I will be volunteering for this summer. Sometimes I really wonder "what is wrong with me?" You might think that 100 mg of Prozac daily would make it go away. I guess I should go back to regular exercise- I think it was better then but quite frankly, i'm not sure I remember. I may be romanticizing it. The truth is even when I was in great shape, I was still attached to my fake boyfriend crutch (fbc). I was spending as much time as I could with him, writing his admission essays and just hanging out in his apt. I can't imagine that was emotional health. I think I must be coming up on almost 10 years of therapy- should I be farther along by now? When am I there? When have I grown up? When will I be ready for intimacy? In some ways I am so lonely (God I HATE that word- it sounds pathetic, needy, desperate and sad) and I think I want to be with someone but I am not sure if I really do. I will surf jdate and talk about guys and being set up but do I really want to go out? Do I really want to start a relationship and start the process of getting to know someone and letting someone get to know me- am I ready to take that risk or am I too afraid? I like to think of myself as strong and brave but I think that may be just another illusion I harbor about myself. Being willing to take the risk to ask a guy out isn't really what is scary. Often, I think I do it when I think I'll get a "no" (on some level) so there really isn't a risk. Maybe i'm looking to affirm what I fear, that I am undesirable. Thinking about DWLI 1 is not an indication of how I am ready to be in a relationship, thinking about him maintains an obstacle to starting a real relationship. Am I ready to go on another first date- my recent dates haven't been painful but it's still awkward. I know I can make conversation with just about anyone on the phone but for some reason I'm not sure I really want to talk to RLS 1. We are playing phone tag and I tell myself that I am looking forward to speaking to him- but is it true? Seriously, what is wrong with me? I don't know what I think or why I am like this or what to do about it.
I got a call about an upcoming singles event and I really dont' want to go. I didn't commit either way mostly because I didn't think I could say, I just don't want to go. It's so nice of people to try and help people meet each other and all I want to say to them is "GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE". I don't want to be expected to go to singles events because I am 29 and single. I don't want to have to speak to people I barely know and I hate being "older single girl". I wouldn't mind being single if people didn't treat me like it was some problem that they wanted to help me fix. To be fair, people mean well and they think that they are helping me but I dont' like feeling like I need help. I think the help I need is in figuring out how to let someone in without paralyzing fear. It's no accident that I am overweight now, I'm keeping the weight as a barrier between me and dating and I dont' know how to stop. I really stuck to my diet today and then I went to Jesse to watch a movie and I had a slice of pizza and a serving of lite ice cream- not a binge (and I also had salad) but definitely not on my diet. First I 'm not sthought I shouldn't eat it because I am playing phone tag with RLS 1 and I will go out with him soon and I want to at least try to be a bit thinner. And then I ate it. This was also after I watched myself in the mirror for an hour as Suzanne was cutting my hair and I looked fat- she gave me a great haircut but still I need to lose weight to look cute - that should have given me an impetus to go to the gym instead of watching a movie on Jesse's couch (We saw Braveheart b/c he couldn't believe I had never seen it- it really is a good movie and of course now I want to learn all about Scottish history and William Wallace). I'm not sure I know what to think anymore. I think I am getting tired and need to go to bed- or rather put my laptop off my bed, pick up my book (sex and death to age 14 by spalding gray, although perhaps i should make some more headway on what to do if your adolescent has an eating disorder or the evolution of desire) and lay down. And I'll try to go to yoga tomorrow- we'll see if that helps at all. I think I am tired and I kind of feel tired of being me and I know that being me is pretty good. Maybe I really am just some kind of crazy.