Meta-blogging
Today was one of those days when I was driving and trying to take notes as I was steering. I found a scrap of paper and a highlighter (until I located my pencil at a red light) and I kept making notes to myself of things to blog about later. My mind was racing and I didn't want to forget - that hadn't happened in a long time. I used to do that when I really thought I wanted to be a writer and I thought I would write about my experiences with bulimia. Often, when I left first good therapist I would take notes on my drive home so as not to forget what I was thinking about.
My notes- I wonder if I can still decipher what I intended- in no particular order as they are scribbled all over the back of a label.
-What is marraige really like? I asked Joan about it at dinner and I have to say she made it sound pretty good. Unconditional love, security, a best friend - and I think I could forsake all other penises for the right penis. I remember when I told Joan that I wanted to marry someone extraordinary (the night before my second and last date with DWLI 2) she said she thinks Bobby is extraordinary but other people may not. So I guess the trick is to find someone that I think is amazing. I think I want to be in love and be in a good relationship and then a good marraige and belong to something. I think I could do a marraige like theirs- (not that anyone ever knows what is really going on in another's marraige). I also see that part of what makes it work is that they are really different and i think they both maintain thier own space. Maybe I need someone who is different than I am. Not sure how you go about finding that- not sure how I would go about finding someone similar either.
- Artificial affect regulation- thought about this as I took 2 aleve because I had a headache. There is nothing wrong with that but I use nyquil or ambien to go to sleep (sometimes so I can turn off my brain) and when I didn't get into grad school, i drank more wine than I normally do and I use purging as an affect regulator, whether or not I am cognizant of it at the time. Have I never tried drugs because I am scared that I have an addictive personality, or because there hasn't really been oppurtunity (when I have been offered pot it wasnt really with people i wanted to smoke up with) or is it because i was a "good girl" - so i'm almost 30 and a virgin and completely narcotic free.
- I am not an authority on anything and can barely manage my own life- how can I possibly give advice. People listen to me and i can speak authoritatively but seriously what do I know about how people should conduct their lives or relationships
- What do we really look for in our relationships with other people? I have to say I am feeling more positively about this than I was when I jotted it down. I was thinking about what we expect from other people and what we can expect and why we are in relationships. As I was driving into the city, I was tired and irritable (apparently that was been the recurring theme this week) and I wanted to blow off dinner and the ballet and go home and eat and veg and go to sleep (although I knew I probably wouldn't go to sleep) but I had made plans. I had plans every night this week that I had made last week and at the time I was excited about them and felt good that I was scheduled to do these fun, cool things and then Monday night and tonight i practically had to drag myself. But I had dinner with Joan and then we met Rach for a modern ballet and I remembered about just enjoying someone's company and sharing something with them and feeling understood. I guess we are looking to feel understood from others, from others we respect. I am really interested in understanding Joan as well.
Note on the ballet- i'm not a dance person. It's not how I express myself and I am very literal. I am tied to words. I dont' go to a lot of dance performances b/c i dont' find them particularly evocative. I enjoyed it tonight (I was happy to go for 12.50 and 90 minutes). I still didn't neccesarily relate to it but I liked the frenetic energy on the stage -I prefered the measured chaos of the whole company on stage as opposed to the solo pieces. It is amazing to see how powerful their bodies are. Of course i referenced myself and when my body was powerful and thought about how i miss it. It hasnt felt that way in a long time. Also I did spend some of the time thinking about what I thought of it and what I would write about it later and I thought am I becoming one of those people who observe my life instead of living it? And I realized that most of the time, I just sit down and free associate so observing my day with the intent to comment isn't really what I should be doing. That isn't what blogging is about for me.
- Recovery is a journey not a destination- i have to remember that even when I feel like I have arrived
I am trying to go to sleep on time as I have to get up early and I want to try to shift my schedule back from being so nocturnal. If I want to try the Oprah boot camp (and I did stay on my diet today- yay!) I will have to start getting up earlier. So i'll just type up my other notes as a list with no commentary (i may comment later, i always reserve the right to elaborate on a story, clearly I am queen of the tangent and the parenthetical remark)
-substance abuse
-secret admirer- i'll explain briefly- a few weeks ago someone left a rose on my windshield and last week someone left a party blower and while I know that these were left my random (probably drunk) people, it made me smile and i dreamed for a moment that I had some admirer. This week I had some random message on my voicemail and it must have been a crossed wire (or airwave) it was garbled but there was a masculine voice saying clearly "...I love you, Goodbye". Kind of fun for a moment to wonder who it might be even if I know it's really not a secret admirer.
- What's it all about? What do we live for? Perfect moments like Spalding Gray suggests? relationships? fulfillment- what does that mean? does life only make sense if you are religious and believe you are serving god. Which might be a problem for me because while i am observant I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a spiritual person. Without spirituality do we feel empty? Or does everyone feel empty sometimes and everyone created their own reason for being.
-Theory of mind deficit- are my perspective taking skills deficient? is this one of the illusions i have been harboring about myself that I have theory of mind skills when I dont'. Or maybe I did and they are just dormant now. I remember feeling connected to people last summer and wanting to help Beth feel good about herself and trying to be kind and friendly to everyone at PI.
I just wonder about my skills and empathy because I think of all the times, I didnt' use them with Lilah or when I turned it off to focus on what i wanted- maybe it isn't a theory of mind deficit but a compassion vacation.
- Counting friends- why do I care about the number of friends I would invite to my wedding or how popular I appear to be or how many people I see on a semi-regular basis- i would think quality is more important - or is it easier for me to be an ok friend to a lot of people b.c it doens't really require as much of me?
- The last 2 are completely illegible- i am telling myself its the highlighter and not my handwriting.
My notes- I wonder if I can still decipher what I intended- in no particular order as they are scribbled all over the back of a label.
-What is marraige really like? I asked Joan about it at dinner and I have to say she made it sound pretty good. Unconditional love, security, a best friend - and I think I could forsake all other penises for the right penis. I remember when I told Joan that I wanted to marry someone extraordinary (the night before my second and last date with DWLI 2) she said she thinks Bobby is extraordinary but other people may not. So I guess the trick is to find someone that I think is amazing. I think I want to be in love and be in a good relationship and then a good marraige and belong to something. I think I could do a marraige like theirs- (not that anyone ever knows what is really going on in another's marraige). I also see that part of what makes it work is that they are really different and i think they both maintain thier own space. Maybe I need someone who is different than I am. Not sure how you go about finding that- not sure how I would go about finding someone similar either.
- Artificial affect regulation- thought about this as I took 2 aleve because I had a headache. There is nothing wrong with that but I use nyquil or ambien to go to sleep (sometimes so I can turn off my brain) and when I didn't get into grad school, i drank more wine than I normally do and I use purging as an affect regulator, whether or not I am cognizant of it at the time. Have I never tried drugs because I am scared that I have an addictive personality, or because there hasn't really been oppurtunity (when I have been offered pot it wasnt really with people i wanted to smoke up with) or is it because i was a "good girl" - so i'm almost 30 and a virgin and completely narcotic free.
- I am not an authority on anything and can barely manage my own life- how can I possibly give advice. People listen to me and i can speak authoritatively but seriously what do I know about how people should conduct their lives or relationships
- What do we really look for in our relationships with other people? I have to say I am feeling more positively about this than I was when I jotted it down. I was thinking about what we expect from other people and what we can expect and why we are in relationships. As I was driving into the city, I was tired and irritable (apparently that was been the recurring theme this week) and I wanted to blow off dinner and the ballet and go home and eat and veg and go to sleep (although I knew I probably wouldn't go to sleep) but I had made plans. I had plans every night this week that I had made last week and at the time I was excited about them and felt good that I was scheduled to do these fun, cool things and then Monday night and tonight i practically had to drag myself. But I had dinner with Joan and then we met Rach for a modern ballet and I remembered about just enjoying someone's company and sharing something with them and feeling understood. I guess we are looking to feel understood from others, from others we respect. I am really interested in understanding Joan as well.
Note on the ballet- i'm not a dance person. It's not how I express myself and I am very literal. I am tied to words. I dont' go to a lot of dance performances b/c i dont' find them particularly evocative. I enjoyed it tonight (I was happy to go for 12.50 and 90 minutes). I still didn't neccesarily relate to it but I liked the frenetic energy on the stage -I prefered the measured chaos of the whole company on stage as opposed to the solo pieces. It is amazing to see how powerful their bodies are. Of course i referenced myself and when my body was powerful and thought about how i miss it. It hasnt felt that way in a long time. Also I did spend some of the time thinking about what I thought of it and what I would write about it later and I thought am I becoming one of those people who observe my life instead of living it? And I realized that most of the time, I just sit down and free associate so observing my day with the intent to comment isn't really what I should be doing. That isn't what blogging is about for me.
- Recovery is a journey not a destination- i have to remember that even when I feel like I have arrived
I am trying to go to sleep on time as I have to get up early and I want to try to shift my schedule back from being so nocturnal. If I want to try the Oprah boot camp (and I did stay on my diet today- yay!) I will have to start getting up earlier. So i'll just type up my other notes as a list with no commentary (i may comment later, i always reserve the right to elaborate on a story, clearly I am queen of the tangent and the parenthetical remark)
-substance abuse
-secret admirer- i'll explain briefly- a few weeks ago someone left a rose on my windshield and last week someone left a party blower and while I know that these were left my random (probably drunk) people, it made me smile and i dreamed for a moment that I had some admirer. This week I had some random message on my voicemail and it must have been a crossed wire (or airwave) it was garbled but there was a masculine voice saying clearly "...I love you, Goodbye". Kind of fun for a moment to wonder who it might be even if I know it's really not a secret admirer.
- What's it all about? What do we live for? Perfect moments like Spalding Gray suggests? relationships? fulfillment- what does that mean? does life only make sense if you are religious and believe you are serving god. Which might be a problem for me because while i am observant I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a spiritual person. Without spirituality do we feel empty? Or does everyone feel empty sometimes and everyone created their own reason for being.
-Theory of mind deficit- are my perspective taking skills deficient? is this one of the illusions i have been harboring about myself that I have theory of mind skills when I dont'. Or maybe I did and they are just dormant now. I remember feeling connected to people last summer and wanting to help Beth feel good about herself and trying to be kind and friendly to everyone at PI.
I just wonder about my skills and empathy because I think of all the times, I didnt' use them with Lilah or when I turned it off to focus on what i wanted- maybe it isn't a theory of mind deficit but a compassion vacation.
- Counting friends- why do I care about the number of friends I would invite to my wedding or how popular I appear to be or how many people I see on a semi-regular basis- i would think quality is more important - or is it easier for me to be an ok friend to a lot of people b.c it doens't really require as much of me?
- The last 2 are completely illegible- i am telling myself its the highlighter and not my handwriting.
posted by Zoe at 11:43 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home