Change in plans

Now I am going to dump Wally (unless he dumps me first which would be great). Over IM today he revealed an angry, bitter, begrudging side of himself which among other things told me "if i had your connections, i would be very successful". He was angry that my prodigal cousin returned to the family and was accepted, since only rich kids get second chances. It was all very whiny, negative and unattractive. This is not someone I want to be with. I can handle him having a rough time and feeling down but I can't handle the victim mentality and what I really can't handle is the begrudging. As Lilah pointed out, men I admire don't behave that way or think that way. Speaking to Lilah, Joan and Bobby just confirmed what I know. This isn't the person for me. He did treat me well and was really nice to me but he isnt a big enough person for me. And as much as I hate to start from scratch, it's not a reason to stay with someone who is not what i want.
The good (and scary news) is that I start with a new patient tomorrow. I have been reading the manual on CBT for kids with depression to prepare and I talked about it in supervision today but I am still really nervous. Dress fitting, new patient, and then lots of editing- hopefully it will be productive. Oh, and I'm getting another new patient as well. My externship is really coming together. I will have at least two individual cases and I am starting intakes on Monday.
These couple of weeks before school starts are going to be crazy. I want to get as much editing done as I can, I have data entry to do for my job as we are putting together an abstract, things are picking up with my patient load and it requires a lot of prep at this point as I am still very much in training and I have helpline shifts. Not to mention Erin's wedding and trying to spend time with Jamie and Adam before they move away- and trying to see my friends before I get crazed with school. So I guess I won't have time to miss dating someone.

Dumped?

So I think Wally is breaking up with me because he thinks we might be too different and I might be too tough. He says he needs to think it through and I told him to take all the time that he needs. He says he feels like he is constantly apologizing to me and maybe that is true. Maybe I am tough on him because I wasn't scared he would leave or I didn't like him enough to care if he did. I don't know. Once I got past the initial hurt (all ten minutes of it) I realized that I really believe I am worth working hard for- I think I am something special and I don't honestly think that anything I called him out on was really unreasonable. Maybe those who get scared off are worth scaring off. Maybe I'm just being angry and defensive now, I don't know. I think I am going to go to sleep- I have to wake up early to go to the gym and I have didactics, a patient and supervision tomorrow and I am tired from spending the day editing and the evening in the ER with a rape survivor.
Anyway maybe he is just doing what I should have done but wasn't ready to- although i really think I was just giving it time. I know either way I will feel better in the morning.

Essay I wrote a year ago for potential compilation of ED essays- current thoughts to follow

Over my years (and years) of treatment for bulimia there were many ways that I made sense of my disorder- I thought I was trying to gain control of my life in the only way I felt I could. I understood it as a good girl’s means of rebellion. I thought about my disorder as a way to vomit up stress and demands, a pressure valve of sorts. In fact, for an art show in college (majoring in art history with a visual arts concentration at an expensive liberal arts college – another means of rebellion? My parents probably thought so) I created an altar to a toilet complete with a pillow with knee prints set in resin. Swirling down the toilet were all the demands and pressuring comments- both externally and internally imposed. Make no mistake about it- a lot of the pressure was internally imposed- I’m not the first nor last overachiever to have an eating disorder. But as I reflect on my years of binging and purging and the years since then I have come to believe that all of these important and real factors- rebellion, control, pressure- are triggers but they don’t really explain it. Maybe because these are the things I was able to work out.

I have been meaning to write this essay for months and I just never found the time. Oh, I found time to watch bad TV and read all of the 7th Harry Potter in one weekend. Surfing the internet and sitting on the beach- those things I managed to make time to get done. But this essay just sat on my “to do” list gathering dust. I just didn’t want to write it. While I may be a master procrastinator and I know sometimes wasting time is just wasting time, I also have spent enough time (and enough of my parent’s and my money) to know that I avoid doing things that make me anxious. So why was writing this essay making me anxious? I suppose I could have told myself that it was hard to write about what if felt like to have an eating disorder since it has been years since I was in the throes of it but I know that while I may not have made myself throw up in a long time it is not so far from me. Part of me, a big part of me, still thinks of it as a rational solution – you paint your nails a color you don’t like and you remove the polish or you eat more than you think you should have so you get rid of the food—seems logical enough.

As I was talking to a friend about a recent emotional upheaval, I referenced my eating disorder and I started to cry. I realized that I was crying because of those eating disorder issues that I was talking about are as relevant now as they were then. And that is why I didn’t want to write about it- I didn’t want to write about it because the core issues – not the triggers but the thrust of it for me- are still present. I’m still working those issues out.

Issues relating to feeling alone and the paradoxical pain of feeling connected and issues relating to a self-perpetuating alienation, issues relating to the anxiety attached to isolation and connection. Those are the ones that I haven’t gotten all figured out yet. I haven’t figured out how to really connect with other people in a way that is both meaningful and comfortable. I think this was the true purpose of my bulimia- dampening down feelings, especially these types of feelings. The feelings that if someone really knew me then I wouldn’t measure up, not in some over-achiever sense but in some basic sense of being “less than”. I was scared for so long to let people in because I was sure deep down they would find me wanting. So I threw up as a means of regulating my affect and it worked. After I threw up, all I could feel was lonely but it was a self-imposed loneliness and that made all the difference.

So what now? Now I am “cured” or “in remission” or any words that you want to use to say that I don’t make myself purge on a regular basis. And the other stuff…well, I’m working it out. I’m trying to let people in and trust that they will still love me when they see “the real me”. I think the first step is deciding that I love me enough, I know that I am not “less than” anything. Once I really know that I might trust other people to know it too.

Eh

Wally just left and I had a perfectly lovely time tonight but I'm pretty indifferent to seeing him again. If I hear from him I will go out with him, but if I don't I think I won't be that devastated. I think I'm pretty sure that this isn't for me because I don't really dig his smell. I think I miss how into me he used to be but that isn't really enough.

I think it's over

I think Wally and I might be done after 5 good dates, we had a fairly disconnected bad date tonight. At first i was upset, although I wasn't sure if I was upset about having to start at square one (not like 6 dates is so far along) and that not quite everything was coming together or if I really thought this might work (or I only told myself that I thought it would). Anyway I was really tired and thought I would go to sleep but I ate dinner and had a drink and hung out with Emmett and some of his crew and I'm feeling so much happier. I am feeling like so much more of myself again. I think that is also what upset me- not so much that I felt like our connection and chemistry disappeared but I felt like I disappeared. I wasn't myself tonight- and now I feel like me again- but I should still get to bed. I know that when I wake up I will have a lot more clarity. It's amazing to try to pay attention to what I feel before I tell myself what to feel.