Flu, I think

I have been SO sick the past couple of days, running a fever sick, the kind of sick that makes you realize that you weren't really sick all of those times that you didn't feel well. Achy, pained, cold and hot, congested -- sick. Look at me and you can see it in my eyes sick. I went to Aunt Karen's to take a steam shower which helped me breathe but made me throw up (it is SO not fun when you can't control it). Now I am waiting for Holden and Erin to come and get me so that I can go to sleep. I'm really tired and I am ready for this day to be over.

Waitlisted

I guess the interview went more poorly than I realized. :(
I dont know what I do now. I emailed the head of the program and asked if there was anything I could do. But I was waitlisted twice last year and nothing came of it. Do I just finish up the Masters and then apply to other programs next year? Do I move on to something else? I dont want to - I'm just feeling kind of numb.

Updates

Interview- Went OK- I didnt' rock it but I think it was fine. I hope to hear from them in the next couple of days. I will feel a lot better once I am officially accpeted. (I hope that I will be accepted- everyone at school keeps telling me I will be but I am still a bit nervous)
Aufruf- It was nice
Wedding- I had a really good time. It was fun and i danced a lot and was really happy for Will and Meg. i was happy with my hair, make-up, jewelry, shoes and dress- the whole look really worked for me. It was young and funky and people told me I looked thin.
Back- Unfortunately I woke up with back spasms on monday- I was on my back all day Monday and Tuesday (it worked out well that I didnt' have school but I do have to catch up on some reading and stuff for Sinai).
Car- I drove back to my apt tonight ( I guess I could have stayed at my parents which is what my mom expected) and I got sideswiped by a truck and now I need to take my car to the shop.
Sheva Brachot- I need to stop slacking and start planning Sheva Brachot for Sat night
Friends- I want to start making plans to see friends next week and get back to my social life and get back to a study schedule when the wedding festivities are over
Men- i have been playing phone tag with Lloyd from eharmony and exchanging emails with Manfred and Norman- it's been moving pretty slowly on all fronts.
Diet- did my 10 days of lemonade and followed it with a day of juice and after another day of transitioning, I've been eating whatever I want and I havent' been using it as an oppurtunity to eat more healthfully but I would like to. I did exercise on Sat night and Sunday and I would like to start moderate regular exercise and eating right- I think I would like to be thin but I think I looked good on Sunday as I am now. I should figure out some better way.

Quickie

I've been running around all day- class, wedding stuff, prepping food for my transition to solids--i've barely prepared for my inteview tomorrow. I have a bunch of stuff to say (particularly about weight -- of course) but I need to get to sleep so i can be relatively well rested tomorrow at my interview.

I think it's over

I am finishing up day 10 of this lemonade fast and I am excited to go back to food (after a day or two of juice to transition) but I am also a little tempted to keep going- at least until the wedding but I dont want to go crazy. Today my friends at school were practically staging an intervention.
I want to stop making dieting and food and weight this huge deal and lemonade keeps me in that place.
i was talking to Sophie today about my next step and I want to just eat well and try to eliminate emotional eating and guilt and I just dont want it to be this presence in my life. I am tempted to go on a diet now but I dont think that focusing on food like that is good for me. I want to be thin and I like looking good but I can look and feel good at more than one weight and I want to transition to being healthy and happy and not as pre-occupied with weight and food. Eat more fruits and vegetables, eat balanced meals and move away from processed foods and mindless eating. I want to try to exercise 3-4 times a week and I want to focus on being fit and healthy and start living moderately in a fashion that I can sustain, living in a way that doesn't exert all this mental energy on this stuff.
I know I also have to figure out a way to stop looking to my mom for approval in this regard. I went home today to take care of shoes and stuff for my gown and my mom told me " I dont want you to get annoyed but you look better". And I wanted her to notice. I was kind of excited to go home to see her reaction; Sophie asked me what my mom thought when I tried on the gown at Aunt Karen's (she wasn't there) because she knew that my attitude towards the gown was linked to my mom's attitude toward the gown. I need to stop that and I'm not sure how.
I have some notes to catch up on from the day I missed Neurochem but I am going to go to sleep instead. I will have to catch up later but I want to try and get a normal night's sleep as I have 2 classes tomorrow, my interview on Friday and Will's festivities this weekend (I think I am finally getting excited, I think it will be fun- or I hope it will be fun, I want it to be fun) and I went to bed late last night. Lia and I finished our presentation at 2 am and then I reviewed my notes from my last class and it was difficult to wake up. I think our presentation was fine. In the end we put it together in less than 3 hours and we just as easily could have sat down and did it the night we started (2 weeks earlier) instead of the night before it was due. Had we done it that way I could have went to Trivia Night last night with Daryl, Aurora and a bunch of other people. I would like to think that I will learn for next time- but I suspect I won't.
I should get to bed - I hope to get a lot done tomorrow - I need to take care of a bunch of stuff for will's wedding and associated parties and I would like to be alert during class tomorrow, especially since I blew off the last Neurochem and Research Design lectures.

control

people talk about the lemonade diet being a way to retake control of your life and diet but instead this diet is controlling my life- or i'm using it an excuse to retreat and not do anything.

Almost Done

So it's almost the end of day 9- although I will be up for quite some time as Lia and I have to finish (and start) our presentation for Advanced Physiological Psychology- we are such bad influences on each other, we keep getting together and getting very little work done. We both procrastinate and aren't motivated unless there is pressure (like the night before it is due kind of pressure). I hope to get myself on a better (less time wasting, less TV) schedule.
I dont want to think about food and body stuff all the time. I want to eat quality food (when I am hungry) and enjoy it and eat moderately and exercise moderately. Be healthy and enjoy some indulgences (but not junk food and soda- i want to eat GOOD food- if i'm going to eat chocolate I am going to enjoy high quality chocolate and not scarf down some hershey's mindlessly) . I don't want to waste all this mental energy on worrying about what I ate, if I am going to eat it, I want to enjoy it and I want to feel good and of course I would like to stop emotional eating. I want to train myself to feel things and deal with them instead of avoiding them and then eating. I have to learn that just because I dont want to feel someway it doesn't make it go away. I want to be the kind of person who isn't bothered by her younger brother getting married but wanting it doesn't make it so. And I want to be able to seperate my self-worth from my weight.

Cleaning out my crap

This lemonade diet is supposed to detox my body and I want for a 3 hour facial today to clean out my pores, I cleaned my apt and room yesterday - how do I clean out my head? How do I figure out what I want - i think I have figured it out in terms of career (even if I am not always focused and on top of it, but I think I might be like that with anything, I do think this is interesting and I could be good at it and enjoy it) and I think I worked out most of the god/religion stuff- now I have to figure out the rest- men and weight. I think that is it.
In terms of cleaning out other crap- this is what I have been jotting down and meaning to blog about but haven't
--vanity and age lines- should i be focused on my appearance? was I only ok with turning 30 because i didnt think that I looked 30?
-- slacker and trying to get better- i haven't though
-- i have such a good time when I go out, I should push myself when I am unmotivated more often
--schoolwork and needing to be on top of it more
--why am i keeping in touch with isidore?
--part-time job- do I have time?
--why do I want a relationship? do I want one? If not, why am I spending all this time chasing one (although I am off jdate and still have to write this guy from eharmony back). What do I think I get from a relationship that I can't get from other things? Intimacy? do I want that?
--I was at Gracie's apt last week and realized I was on the floor that Caleb used to live on and I thought about all the time I spent in this elevator going to his apt- am I still that girl? I dont think so but can i be sure?

Day 7 almost done

So it's been almost 7 days without real food. 3 days left I guess.
In other news
-Isidore seems to have found himself a girlfriend and I know I really dont want him but that didnt mean I wanted him to stop wanting me- not fair I know.
- I've been thinking about Arnie- I dont think I miss him, I barely knew him- it was 3 weeks, months ago and while some things were great - it was far from ideal. I think i miss the way he made me feel sexy and I miss getting out of bed with someone and kissing them on the forehead and then heading off to school. I miss just being with someone and laying in bed just talking (and of course I miss the more than talking ;). What do I want? I should probably be able to define it before I go off and look for it.
-I'm trying to catch up a bit on my life, having been making some (very little) progress at the lab and have started re-engaging with Sinai stuff and I tried to get work done with Lia today (not very successfuly). I'm on call tomorrow night for SAVI but I totally haven't been participating in the downtown community (I stayed in all weekend with my lemonade and tea and didnt' make it to Jesse's dinner, Juliet's lunch or Dani's party), I've been sort of distanting myself from my life and haven't done anything for any community projects- including my film. I've been kind of self-absorbed in my own shell and retreat and avoiding my life I suppose. I didn't think my mom was right that I was gaining weight because I was depressed but maybe she was correct after all.
I think that I was so determined to be fine about Will's wedding because I wanted to be that girl who was fine that I didn't let myself feel upset so it was there, I just wasnt' feeling it. Wanting to be OK and not wanting to have to deal with it is far from a solution and know I am practically dreading Will's wedding and I feel terrible because this should be about him and not about me. I love him and I want him to be happy and I want to be able to enjoy this time with him - but I havent been able to. I have been going through some of the motions and skipping some of them as well.
I think it is kind of like the whole weight thing- I have been trying to make it not an issue in my life and I have been avoiding talking about it but it is always there. In some way it was always on my mind- in how I looked at other women, in how I avoided shopping unless absolutely neccesary at this size, in how I deliberately didn't look at fat and calorie counts on stuff I was eating because then it wouldn't be mindless, it's just been this presence and I dont want it to be anymore. It takes too much energy. I want to figure out what I want and how to be healthy and how to feel good consistently.
I miss me- I miss feeling connected to myself and feeling good about myself and part of me doesn't want to emerge from my cocoon of retreat but I can't stay there and continue to block out feeling.

Day 4 and counting

I was hungry this morning but then I had some water and lemonade and I was fine. I am not sure if it actually doing anything (although I suppose 4 days is too soon to tell) but hopefully I can make it through the full 10 recommended days. I think meals on Shabbat are going to be a problem. I am not sure I can go to Jesse and Juliet and just drink tea for the entire meal.
I want to feel thinner so I can stop dreading Will's wedding. I had such a good time at Sophie's wedding and I feel like my appearance is casting a shadow over Will's festivities and it's not fair to him and it's not fun for me. I want to enjoy myself and partake in his happiness- not dread it all and just want it to be over.
I tried on my dress yesterday and it fit but I didnt try it with a bodysuit underneath and I need to wear one and it was a lit tight around the stomach area- it could lay a lot better but Sophie said it was fine. I told her to tell my mom not to worry- I could wear my gown but I didnt' feel narrow and good in it like I did when I bought it, I just felt kind of fat.

Bulimia

Is this "last hurrah" and then lemonade diet a new form of binge-purging? The only times I have gained weight this fast and gotten this heavy have been when I was bulimic (you eat SO much that purging barely makes a dent) so it makes sense that my mom would conjecture that I am not happy- because I look the way I did when I was really bulimic. It's my long ingrained pattern and it makes sense that I would return to it- but why now?

Impatience- thy name is Zoe

Quoting Aunt Karen- "I've been good for 2 days, how come I am still fat?"

Day 2 Ramblings

I totally didn't want to get up and go to the lab this morning. But I went- and then our participant cancelled. I stayed until close to 2 and got a bunch of work done but then came home and didn't get anything done. I hope to read a chapter in the Kandel book tonight. I was supposed to meet Joan but I didnt' really want to go up and she didnt' want to come down so we caught up on the phone and rescheduled for Dani's party on Sat night. I guess I feel like fasting is a full-time occupation. It's not that I am so hungry or tired, I have been trying to get to bed earlier to offset going off caffeine for the fast, but not that motivated and I suppose I am using the fast as an excuse. I spent a lot of time today reading people's blogs about their experiences with the lemonade diet. I will see how long I can handle the fast. Sophie asked me if I missed eating, of course I miss eating but I'm not really hungry, I just like eating. Food tastes good.
I was talking to Joan and she was saying that she thinks I am doing better, the weight gain is learned behavior- that sounds right to me. I told her that I dont think my mom is right that I am sabotaging myself. I think Joan is right and I know that T2GT thinks I am doing well and dealing with old issues in a new way. I hope so.
A bunch of people have been blogging about all of the health benefits of the fast. More energy, loss of toxins, loss of cravings- I am hoping that I can release toxins and start a longer term solution with a clean slate. I know that this isn't a lifestyle change- which I need. I know I should take advantage of my parent's offer to pay for a trainer and I have to figure out a way to eat healthy food on a regular basis. If I made moderate changes long ago I would be where i wanted to be with quick fixes that havent' been sustainable. I'm not sure how thin I think I have to be and if I would be OK with my appearance if I thought I was healthy and fit.
My mom was saying that she was trying on my old clothes and they were tight on her and she is at a thin stage now so she knows I can do it. I was talking to Joan about incorporating exercise into my schedule and how tough it is with school. It is tough and school is tiring but I have been wasting a lot of time that I could be using to exercise- although it is really tough in this cold.
Lois and Lilah both told me I have been MIA recently. Have I been hiding out from my friends? I got together with Sarah on Sunday night but I havent' really done anything else in the past week other than family time, "studying" with Lia and dinner with Gracie a week ago.
I was invited to Juliet for lunch on Shabbat and Jesse for dinner- I'm not sure how I am going to maintain the fast and go to bar with SAVI chicks thursday night, dinner and lunch on Shabbat and Dani's party on Sat night but I have to ensure that my dress fits. Although my mom checked with Aunt Karen and she has something that I can borrow if my dress doesn't fit but I would hate to have to wear it.

Hoping to get better

I want to get back to my life and I want to get past all this. I want to get through Will's wedding and be happy for him and have a good time. and I want to feel good about how I look and feel. And I want a lifestyle that is sustainable. Hopefully I will get a lot done tomorrow and start to feel a little more productive and drop enough weight to fit into the gown for Will's wedding. Day one of lemonade is almost done. Let's see how tomorrow goes - when I actually do stuff.

Not getting better

Shopping wasn't as bad as I anticipated as I got a bunch of stuff and some it looked OK. The rest of the weekend was tough - i felt like my mom was watching my plate at my aunt's house on Sat night and she told me not to wear sweatshirts as they aren't flattering on Sunday. My mom also told me to try on my gown so that I can get a new gown if this one doesnt fit as I have clearly gained weight since I tried it on and I said I would lose weight before the wedding and clearly that didn't happen.
Sunday night my mom left me a message that she wants to get together to talk to me at a time that is convenient for me. I avoided talking to my mom until later today. I told her that I was going on a juice fast until the wedding and then I will figure out a long-term solution after the wedding. I really want to fit into this dress. My mom spent over $1700 on this dress and it is really pretty and it fit me a month ago. My mom was basically saying how she wasn't even sure how it was possible (to gain that much weight in a month) and she was talking to Sophie and Holden about it. She is willing to do whatever I need her to do to help me. She wants to understand why I sabotage myself like this and I told her I dont' know. She said she thought I was happier now that I moved out and that she and my dad love me and my siblings love me and want to help me. I told her that I dont know what is going on. I thought I was happy- I am happy with school and I know I have great friends and family and I have a great support system- I know I am lucky. I love my apt and my community. She told me she doesn't care if I am religious, she just cares if I am happy but it doesn't look like I am happy. Crying on the phone couldn't have helped. I know I need to exercise and eat right and I think I have been happy with the choices I have been making, I am not sure what has happened in the last month. I think the way I have been able to gain this much weight in a month (so that holden noticed and mentioned it to my mom) is that I keep having these last hurrahs - and then starting a diet in the morning and then pigging out later in the day. And not exercising- I did exercise on Friday and Saturday night but then i didnt' exercise on Sunday but I did eat a lot of junk food and ice cream late in the day. This is no way to live and I know that. And this fast isn't a solution and I know that and I am not sure how long I will be able to do it but it is probably the only way to even possibly fit into the dress by the wedding.
I took the day off to start my lemonade diet and escape the cold - I am totally bored now. I need to get back to school and life tomorrow.
Let's see how many days I can handle not eating and just drinking.

Avoiding?

am i spending so much time with jamie in an attempt to avoid my own life? I love him and he is a big fan of mine (i'm oya to him and he calls for me ALL THE TIME). But am I not doing things I should be doing for myself or my own social life and thinking it is OK because it feels productive because I'm with my nephew?

once you get going...

Ways that I have understood the secondary gains of being overweight in the past- although I dont think any of them are relevant now- but what do I know?
1- Control- taking control over my life from my parents- particularly my dad. This was something that I could control (conventional ED theory)- at this point I feel like I think I have control over my life- well to the extent that you can have control over a life that is financed by other people. I am living according to my values and following my own path. Maybe it is because I am not entirely honest with my parents about how I live my life- this is something I can't hide from them even if i lie to them.
2- Esteem- I wanted a buffer, something to blame if people didn't like me- but I dont think I need that anymore. I think I feel a lot better about myself and I dont think I expect people to reject me anymore. I no longer try to please people to keep them around- I no longer expect them to need to be bought.
3- Scapegoat- I wasn't ready to get married for various reasons so I created a barrier to intimacy and to acceptance by men. I think I am ready to be in a relationship and I think I am ready for real intimacy- so I shouldn't need this barrier.
4-Stress release- bulimia was a type of stress release- a way to purge all this stress, pressure and bad feelings- but now I am not purging- I was tempted yesterday after the great chocolate gorge of '07 but I didn't and I haven't in a long while.

More of the same

Now that I have admitted to myself that I have been thinking about it- I realize it is all I've been thinking about even I have attempted to avoid thinking about it.
I've been thinking about my cousin's wedding a bunch of years ago (8 or 9) and how when I saw the pictures, I told myself I would never let myself get that fat again- I think I might be there and I will have to be in MANY more pictures. I looked so beautiful at Sophie's wedding and the family pictures are great. I feel like I am going to ruin the shots at Will's wedding as I (and my parents) will never want to look at them.

Lilah - "how is the cookie diet going? I haven't been hearing you talk about it"
Me- "that is because I haven't been doing it"
Lilah- "why not? I thought you said you were starting again when you went back to school"
Me- " things keep coming up"
Then she returned to a conversation that I hadn't picked up earlier regarding her own weight gain and again I didn't pick it up so she told me I was being mean - she said that when I dont care about skinny then no one should care about skinny.
Me- "there is just nothing to say about it"
Lilah- "since when does that stop us?"
And I suppose she is right when I am being "good" (there is definitely a problem associating such a highly valenced value judgement term with dieting) I, like all dieters, just want to talk about dieting but when I am not dieting or avoiding dieting, I want to avoid all dieting talk. I dont want to hear about Sophie's attempt to lose weight for the wedding, I dont want to hear how my dad won't eat the muffins Sophie baked for shabbat- I guess in some way it all feels like a criticism of me and I know I am the one casting the judgemental eye.

what do I do about this? I guess I get my butt to the gym and start making better choices. commit to a new lifestyle, a healthy lifestyle and try to look cute and feel good at any size- that is a lot of work but I have stop expecting this to solve itself.
It is ok to be overweight if I am healthy and I feel good about how I look- how do I do that? I want to stop feeling a stomach fold when I sit indian style and I want to stop feeling like I have breasts that are screaming mother earth or mrs butterworth (is she the buxom syrup lady?)

I am going clothing shopping with Sophie tomorrow. I am really dreading it.

Recently i have been having anxiety dreams- like I forgot to study for a test or I was lying to my parents about something and I was scared I was going to be caught- I thought it was starting school but that hasn't really been stressful and I am fairly confident about my interview- I think it might be anxiety about Will's wedding, anxiety about being the fat old spinster sister - "no wonder she's not married!"

i had this idea that I was doing well- that I was even-keeled and feeling serene about school and my decision to stay here and my decision to pursue this career path, feeling good about all the wonderful people in my life, feeling more comfortable dating-- now I don't know how well I have been doing. My sleep has been off (which I attributed to jet lag) and I've been less engaged with community stuff ( i kind of thought that was me not being depressed but not being hypomanic- just sort of regular)--- now I am starting to feel like I have no idea what is going on with me. Have I been avoiding dieting because I like ice cream and don't want to give chocolate? Or is there something else going on?

Elephant in the blog

Ok so I think I have been avoiding blogging about food, weight, dieting and all that fun stuff. I was at T2GT yesterday and we were talking about school and dating stuff and then he asked me if school has been the only thing on my mind and i was quiet for a while and then I admitted that I have been thinking a lot about my weight. I had some trouble articulating it as it feels really inchoate and intangible even though it feels really present. He asked me to write about it and I feel like it is really hard but I also feel like I have so much to get out- some of which I dont really want to share but I know that I should.
I guess I will start with recent history- my mom drove me to the airport when I went to Israel and when I got to my parents to meet my mom and drop off my car, she tole me that she knows that there is a lot of good food in Israel and that I won't be going to the gym so I have to walk a lot and I have to lose weight before the wedding as I am walking down the aisle and the dress won't fit well now and I won't be happy and she won't be happy and she isn't sure what I have been waiting for (which is what she told me when I bought the dress and promised her I would lose 10 pounds before the wedding so it would look better). When she dropped me off at the airport she apologized and told that she wishes she hadn't said anything and its my life (It makes me feel like crap whenever she says that as it implies that she thinks its my life to f%*# up, which is what she thinks I am doing- and I hate that I care if she approves- and I know she thinks I dont care because I dont be have in accordance with what my parents would choose). I took my cookies with me to Israel so that I could start the cookie diet there again. (Lilah keeps asking me about it and I hate telling her that I haven't been doing it- or talking to her about dieting- hers or mine or talking to anyone about dieting or exercising- avoiding much?). I also had this half-baked idea of starting the Master Cleanse (lemonade fast on which Beyonce lost 20 pounds in 10 days). I kind of gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted at the beginning of my trip and then do cookies or lemonade. Of course I ate a ton of food (as it was my last day before serious diet so I needed pasta and dessert or to eat at 2 am) and was always starting the diet the next day. I dreaded going home and seeing my mom as I knew that instead of losing weight I had gained weight on my trip. I deliberately went home in baggy clothes and then talked about how sick I felt from the flight to explain why I looked like crap.
I've been feeling like I haven't looked good and I know I gained weight (bless Elle for telling me that I looked great and thin on Sunday even if I didn't believe her) and I haven't really wanted to get dressed and go out. I ended up staying in on Shabbat (also due to the cold) and Sat night. I went out Sunday with Elle and then Chloe- but I wore cords, hoodie and ponytail. Did the onesie girdle and black v-neck for date on Sunday but didn't feel cute. I watched all the thin girls who went up to sing at karaoke and wanted their bodies and figured I could use lemonade fast to get me closer to there. I didn't tell anyone about my plan as I knew no one would approve and I know it is a patently bad idea. I still bought the sea salt, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and senna tea. I started it 3 days this week- Tues, Wed and Thursday and didn't make it past 5 pm on any given day. But I always had some "reason" and a half cocked idea of starting again the next day (I even drank the tea and salt water flush 2 nights in a row). Even today I plan(ned) to start again on Sunday. Of course after I had 20 oz of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper this morning, I had chocolate and popcorn this evening in the lab. It's no wonder I have been gaining weight and feel fat and bloated and gross.
I kind of thought that once the rest of my life fell into place (which I think it is) my weight would fall into place too- T2GT asked me what falling into place meannt and I dont know. I know that when I was with Arnie, I lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks because I just didnt' have an appetite while I was with him. I didn't eat a lot and when I did I mostly made healthy choices. Now I am making all bad choices. I can't even pretend that I can be overweight and healthy because I am not healthy- i am not eating well and I am not going to the gym or getting any other exercise.
I keep hearing from my mom about my dad's diet and trainer and my aunt's nutritionist and she reiterated her offer to pay for a trainer. I have been avoiding seeing her. I keep thinking that I will cleanse for a few days before I see her and then I wont look that bad when I see her but I haven't done that and I am going home for Shabbat and I have to get dressed for a family party on Sat night. I have been avoiding shopping for clothes for the associated wedding festivities- puttting it off until I lose weight but I am not losing weight and I promised my mom I would go with her on Sunday- after Meg's shower, to which I have nothing to wear. And at this rate my gown isn't going to fit either - the wedding is in 2 weeks from Sunday.
I don't know how I thought things would fall into place regarding weight. I've been better in the past- not just in the extreme way that I am prone to which is unsustainable but I've also had periods of regular, moderate exercise and balanced eating with occasional desserts. Am I just being lazy?
How can I be in therapy for almost 10 years for food related issues and be this freaking unaware? Years ago, while I was doing an installation piece on bulimia for the student art show I was talking to my professor and we were conceptualizing the piece and I wanted it to be about emotion and he wanted me to address food as well and I told him that it isn't about food. He was 'you are eating untold amounts of food and throwing it up- it's a little bit about food'. It is and it isn't about food. I don't know what to do. I have to fit into my gown and it has to look decent and I have to have stuff to wear to all of the parties and I need a longer term solution than the Master Cleanse (not that I am really doing that anyway- but the idea of this really clean fresh start is appealing).
I was talking to my mom and she said that her friend's daughter who is my size got engaged recently to a tall, good looking boy. I told her that I dated more this year than any other year in my life and I dont think that my weight was the breaking issue with any of the guys. I dont know if it's true. I know that I connected with Arnie, Bernard and Isidore and my weight didnt' feel like it mattered and when I was with them I wasn't hungry. I dont know what it all means- grad degrees and years of therapy and self-reflection are no threat to my unconscious deliberate self unawareness (I know that is not a word but it is the best term for it).
Would my parents care about my weight if I were married? Would I?
I was talking to my sister about losing weight after you meet someone and then you know that your weight isn't an issue for them- she kind of implied that such an idea was kind of BS.
I hate all this and I hate that I hate it and I dont know what to do. Maybe being honest about it is the first step- I hope this is authentic, honest and real. I will try to keep talking about it.