Not getting better
Shopping wasn't as bad as I anticipated as I got a bunch of stuff and some it looked OK. The rest of the weekend was tough - i felt like my mom was watching my plate at my aunt's house on Sat night and she told me not to wear sweatshirts as they aren't flattering on Sunday. My mom also told me to try on my gown so that I can get a new gown if this one doesnt fit as I have clearly gained weight since I tried it on and I said I would lose weight before the wedding and clearly that didn't happen.
Sunday night my mom left me a message that she wants to get together to talk to me at a time that is convenient for me. I avoided talking to my mom until later today. I told her that I was going on a juice fast until the wedding and then I will figure out a long-term solution after the wedding. I really want to fit into this dress. My mom spent over $1700 on this dress and it is really pretty and it fit me a month ago. My mom was basically saying how she wasn't even sure how it was possible (to gain that much weight in a month) and she was talking to Sophie and Holden about it. She is willing to do whatever I need her to do to help me. She wants to understand why I sabotage myself like this and I told her I dont' know. She said she thought I was happier now that I moved out and that she and my dad love me and my siblings love me and want to help me. I told her that I dont know what is going on. I thought I was happy- I am happy with school and I know I have great friends and family and I have a great support system- I know I am lucky. I love my apt and my community. She told me she doesn't care if I am religious, she just cares if I am happy but it doesn't look like I am happy. Crying on the phone couldn't have helped. I know I need to exercise and eat right and I think I have been happy with the choices I have been making, I am not sure what has happened in the last month. I think the way I have been able to gain this much weight in a month (so that holden noticed and mentioned it to my mom) is that I keep having these last hurrahs - and then starting a diet in the morning and then pigging out later in the day. And not exercising- I did exercise on Friday and Saturday night but then i didnt' exercise on Sunday but I did eat a lot of junk food and ice cream late in the day. This is no way to live and I know that. And this fast isn't a solution and I know that and I am not sure how long I will be able to do it but it is probably the only way to even possibly fit into the dress by the wedding.
I took the day off to start my lemonade diet and escape the cold - I am totally bored now. I need to get back to school and life tomorrow.
Let's see how many days I can handle not eating and just drinking.
Sunday night my mom left me a message that she wants to get together to talk to me at a time that is convenient for me. I avoided talking to my mom until later today. I told her that I was going on a juice fast until the wedding and then I will figure out a long-term solution after the wedding. I really want to fit into this dress. My mom spent over $1700 on this dress and it is really pretty and it fit me a month ago. My mom was basically saying how she wasn't even sure how it was possible (to gain that much weight in a month) and she was talking to Sophie and Holden about it. She is willing to do whatever I need her to do to help me. She wants to understand why I sabotage myself like this and I told her I dont' know. She said she thought I was happier now that I moved out and that she and my dad love me and my siblings love me and want to help me. I told her that I dont know what is going on. I thought I was happy- I am happy with school and I know I have great friends and family and I have a great support system- I know I am lucky. I love my apt and my community. She told me she doesn't care if I am religious, she just cares if I am happy but it doesn't look like I am happy. Crying on the phone couldn't have helped. I know I need to exercise and eat right and I think I have been happy with the choices I have been making, I am not sure what has happened in the last month. I think the way I have been able to gain this much weight in a month (so that holden noticed and mentioned it to my mom) is that I keep having these last hurrahs - and then starting a diet in the morning and then pigging out later in the day. And not exercising- I did exercise on Friday and Saturday night but then i didnt' exercise on Sunday but I did eat a lot of junk food and ice cream late in the day. This is no way to live and I know that. And this fast isn't a solution and I know that and I am not sure how long I will be able to do it but it is probably the only way to even possibly fit into the dress by the wedding.
I took the day off to start my lemonade diet and escape the cold - I am totally bored now. I need to get back to school and life tomorrow.
Let's see how many days I can handle not eating and just drinking.
posted by Zoe at 7:24 PM
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