Elephant in the blog
Ok so I think I have been avoiding blogging about food, weight, dieting and all that fun stuff. I was at T2GT yesterday and we were talking about school and dating stuff and then he asked me if school has been the only thing on my mind and i was quiet for a while and then I admitted that I have been thinking a lot about my weight. I had some trouble articulating it as it feels really inchoate and intangible even though it feels really present. He asked me to write about it and I feel like it is really hard but I also feel like I have so much to get out- some of which I dont really want to share but I know that I should.
I guess I will start with recent history- my mom drove me to the airport when I went to Israel and when I got to my parents to meet my mom and drop off my car, she tole me that she knows that there is a lot of good food in Israel and that I won't be going to the gym so I have to walk a lot and I have to lose weight before the wedding as I am walking down the aisle and the dress won't fit well now and I won't be happy and she won't be happy and she isn't sure what I have been waiting for (which is what she told me when I bought the dress and promised her I would lose 10 pounds before the wedding so it would look better). When she dropped me off at the airport she apologized and told that she wishes she hadn't said anything and its my life (It makes me feel like crap whenever she says that as it implies that she thinks its my life to f%*# up, which is what she thinks I am doing- and I hate that I care if she approves- and I know she thinks I dont care because I dont be have in accordance with what my parents would choose). I took my cookies with me to Israel so that I could start the cookie diet there again. (Lilah keeps asking me about it and I hate telling her that I haven't been doing it- or talking to her about dieting- hers or mine or talking to anyone about dieting or exercising- avoiding much?). I also had this half-baked idea of starting the Master Cleanse (lemonade fast on which Beyonce lost 20 pounds in 10 days). I kind of gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted at the beginning of my trip and then do cookies or lemonade. Of course I ate a ton of food (as it was my last day before serious diet so I needed pasta and dessert or to eat at 2 am) and was always starting the diet the next day. I dreaded going home and seeing my mom as I knew that instead of losing weight I had gained weight on my trip. I deliberately went home in baggy clothes and then talked about how sick I felt from the flight to explain why I looked like crap.
I've been feeling like I haven't looked good and I know I gained weight (bless Elle for telling me that I looked great and thin on Sunday even if I didn't believe her) and I haven't really wanted to get dressed and go out. I ended up staying in on Shabbat (also due to the cold) and Sat night. I went out Sunday with Elle and then Chloe- but I wore cords, hoodie and ponytail. Did the onesie girdle and black v-neck for date on Sunday but didn't feel cute. I watched all the thin girls who went up to sing at karaoke and wanted their bodies and figured I could use lemonade fast to get me closer to there. I didn't tell anyone about my plan as I knew no one would approve and I know it is a patently bad idea. I still bought the sea salt, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and senna tea. I started it 3 days this week- Tues, Wed and Thursday and didn't make it past 5 pm on any given day. But I always had some "reason" and a half cocked idea of starting again the next day (I even drank the tea and salt water flush 2 nights in a row). Even today I plan(ned) to start again on Sunday. Of course after I had 20 oz of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper this morning, I had chocolate and popcorn this evening in the lab. It's no wonder I have been gaining weight and feel fat and bloated and gross.
I kind of thought that once the rest of my life fell into place (which I think it is) my weight would fall into place too- T2GT asked me what falling into place meannt and I dont know. I know that when I was with Arnie, I lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks because I just didnt' have an appetite while I was with him. I didn't eat a lot and when I did I mostly made healthy choices. Now I am making all bad choices. I can't even pretend that I can be overweight and healthy because I am not healthy- i am not eating well and I am not going to the gym or getting any other exercise.
I keep hearing from my mom about my dad's diet and trainer and my aunt's nutritionist and she reiterated her offer to pay for a trainer. I have been avoiding seeing her. I keep thinking that I will cleanse for a few days before I see her and then I wont look that bad when I see her but I haven't done that and I am going home for Shabbat and I have to get dressed for a family party on Sat night. I have been avoiding shopping for clothes for the associated wedding festivities- puttting it off until I lose weight but I am not losing weight and I promised my mom I would go with her on Sunday- after Meg's shower, to which I have nothing to wear. And at this rate my gown isn't going to fit either - the wedding is in 2 weeks from Sunday.
I don't know how I thought things would fall into place regarding weight. I've been better in the past- not just in the extreme way that I am prone to which is unsustainable but I've also had periods of regular, moderate exercise and balanced eating with occasional desserts. Am I just being lazy?
How can I be in therapy for almost 10 years for food related issues and be this freaking unaware? Years ago, while I was doing an installation piece on bulimia for the student art show I was talking to my professor and we were conceptualizing the piece and I wanted it to be about emotion and he wanted me to address food as well and I told him that it isn't about food. He was 'you are eating untold amounts of food and throwing it up- it's a little bit about food'. It is and it isn't about food. I don't know what to do. I have to fit into my gown and it has to look decent and I have to have stuff to wear to all of the parties and I need a longer term solution than the Master Cleanse (not that I am really doing that anyway- but the idea of this really clean fresh start is appealing).
I was talking to my mom and she said that her friend's daughter who is my size got engaged recently to a tall, good looking boy. I told her that I dated more this year than any other year in my life and I dont think that my weight was the breaking issue with any of the guys. I dont know if it's true. I know that I connected with Arnie, Bernard and Isidore and my weight didnt' feel like it mattered and when I was with them I wasn't hungry. I dont know what it all means- grad degrees and years of therapy and self-reflection are no threat to my unconscious deliberate self unawareness (I know that is not a word but it is the best term for it).
Would my parents care about my weight if I were married? Would I?
I was talking to my sister about losing weight after you meet someone and then you know that your weight isn't an issue for them- she kind of implied that such an idea was kind of BS.
I hate all this and I hate that I hate it and I dont know what to do. Maybe being honest about it is the first step- I hope this is authentic, honest and real. I will try to keep talking about it.
I guess I will start with recent history- my mom drove me to the airport when I went to Israel and when I got to my parents to meet my mom and drop off my car, she tole me that she knows that there is a lot of good food in Israel and that I won't be going to the gym so I have to walk a lot and I have to lose weight before the wedding as I am walking down the aisle and the dress won't fit well now and I won't be happy and she won't be happy and she isn't sure what I have been waiting for (which is what she told me when I bought the dress and promised her I would lose 10 pounds before the wedding so it would look better). When she dropped me off at the airport she apologized and told that she wishes she hadn't said anything and its my life (It makes me feel like crap whenever she says that as it implies that she thinks its my life to f%*# up, which is what she thinks I am doing- and I hate that I care if she approves- and I know she thinks I dont care because I dont be have in accordance with what my parents would choose). I took my cookies with me to Israel so that I could start the cookie diet there again. (Lilah keeps asking me about it and I hate telling her that I haven't been doing it- or talking to her about dieting- hers or mine or talking to anyone about dieting or exercising- avoiding much?). I also had this half-baked idea of starting the Master Cleanse (lemonade fast on which Beyonce lost 20 pounds in 10 days). I kind of gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted at the beginning of my trip and then do cookies or lemonade. Of course I ate a ton of food (as it was my last day before serious diet so I needed pasta and dessert or to eat at 2 am) and was always starting the diet the next day. I dreaded going home and seeing my mom as I knew that instead of losing weight I had gained weight on my trip. I deliberately went home in baggy clothes and then talked about how sick I felt from the flight to explain why I looked like crap.
I've been feeling like I haven't looked good and I know I gained weight (bless Elle for telling me that I looked great and thin on Sunday even if I didn't believe her) and I haven't really wanted to get dressed and go out. I ended up staying in on Shabbat (also due to the cold) and Sat night. I went out Sunday with Elle and then Chloe- but I wore cords, hoodie and ponytail. Did the onesie girdle and black v-neck for date on Sunday but didn't feel cute. I watched all the thin girls who went up to sing at karaoke and wanted their bodies and figured I could use lemonade fast to get me closer to there. I didn't tell anyone about my plan as I knew no one would approve and I know it is a patently bad idea. I still bought the sea salt, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and senna tea. I started it 3 days this week- Tues, Wed and Thursday and didn't make it past 5 pm on any given day. But I always had some "reason" and a half cocked idea of starting again the next day (I even drank the tea and salt water flush 2 nights in a row). Even today I plan(ned) to start again on Sunday. Of course after I had 20 oz of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper this morning, I had chocolate and popcorn this evening in the lab. It's no wonder I have been gaining weight and feel fat and bloated and gross.
I kind of thought that once the rest of my life fell into place (which I think it is) my weight would fall into place too- T2GT asked me what falling into place meannt and I dont know. I know that when I was with Arnie, I lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks because I just didnt' have an appetite while I was with him. I didn't eat a lot and when I did I mostly made healthy choices. Now I am making all bad choices. I can't even pretend that I can be overweight and healthy because I am not healthy- i am not eating well and I am not going to the gym or getting any other exercise.
I keep hearing from my mom about my dad's diet and trainer and my aunt's nutritionist and she reiterated her offer to pay for a trainer. I have been avoiding seeing her. I keep thinking that I will cleanse for a few days before I see her and then I wont look that bad when I see her but I haven't done that and I am going home for Shabbat and I have to get dressed for a family party on Sat night. I have been avoiding shopping for clothes for the associated wedding festivities- puttting it off until I lose weight but I am not losing weight and I promised my mom I would go with her on Sunday- after Meg's shower, to which I have nothing to wear. And at this rate my gown isn't going to fit either - the wedding is in 2 weeks from Sunday.
I don't know how I thought things would fall into place regarding weight. I've been better in the past- not just in the extreme way that I am prone to which is unsustainable but I've also had periods of regular, moderate exercise and balanced eating with occasional desserts. Am I just being lazy?
How can I be in therapy for almost 10 years for food related issues and be this freaking unaware? Years ago, while I was doing an installation piece on bulimia for the student art show I was talking to my professor and we were conceptualizing the piece and I wanted it to be about emotion and he wanted me to address food as well and I told him that it isn't about food. He was 'you are eating untold amounts of food and throwing it up- it's a little bit about food'. It is and it isn't about food. I don't know what to do. I have to fit into my gown and it has to look decent and I have to have stuff to wear to all of the parties and I need a longer term solution than the Master Cleanse (not that I am really doing that anyway- but the idea of this really clean fresh start is appealing).
I was talking to my mom and she said that her friend's daughter who is my size got engaged recently to a tall, good looking boy. I told her that I dated more this year than any other year in my life and I dont think that my weight was the breaking issue with any of the guys. I dont know if it's true. I know that I connected with Arnie, Bernard and Isidore and my weight didnt' feel like it mattered and when I was with them I wasn't hungry. I dont know what it all means- grad degrees and years of therapy and self-reflection are no threat to my unconscious deliberate self unawareness (I know that is not a word but it is the best term for it).
Would my parents care about my weight if I were married? Would I?
I was talking to my sister about losing weight after you meet someone and then you know that your weight isn't an issue for them- she kind of implied that such an idea was kind of BS.
I hate all this and I hate that I hate it and I dont know what to do. Maybe being honest about it is the first step- I hope this is authentic, honest and real. I will try to keep talking about it.
posted by Zoe at 12:28 AM
1 Comments:
"when I was with them I wasn't hungry"
welcome to my life in a nutshell
however when you have spent less than 1% of your life in that state of mind it is amazing i dont weigh a million pounds
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