Random questions followed by random notes
1-I've been keeping in touch with Isidore and I'm not sure why I am bothering. We had a whoel conversation (over gmail chat) about how he wouldnt like my famiy and they wouldn't like him (probably true as they, like Lois, might think that I could do better). I'm not sure why I was trying to argue with him about it or why I care about him at all or get hurt if I think he doesn't like me. He totally needs to get himself together and he seems intimidated by how many people I am connected with- why am I bothering?
2-I went with Aurora to a children's home in Netanya yesterday- i was so self-conscious and had a lot of trouble interacting with the children. Aurora was totally getting into it and I was mostly observing. why? i was trying to figure out if that should bother me or if i should just accept that I have other strengths. I felt like I should be happy that I went and feel good about it but most of the time I just wanted to go already. I was inspired by the people who worked there and the high school kids who we went with but i didnt really want to interact with the kids. I feel like I like helping people from a distance- and I dont really think that is admirable. I did tear up when the guy who runs it was talking about it- not sure what that says about me. It made me feel kind of inadequate.
3- I went with Alison tonight to the Kotel and to get a bracha from Reb Aryeh Levine's son (my dad arranged it). I am not sure why I do these things when I am not sure if or how I believe. Why daven at the kotel if I dont daven? why ask this rabbi to daven for me if I dont daven? do i believe in him if what makes him great is that he learns torah all day?
4- I have been eating a ton, I keep thinking I am going to stop the next day but then I don't. I feel fat and I havent' really been exercising and I know I have to fit into my gown for Meg and Will's wedding and yet I continue eating like it is my job. Why can't I stop myself? I feel yicky and it makes me nervous to date and I think I want to date but yet I keep eating.
In other news- good news
I have been catching up with some friends that I havent' seen in a while and it is great. Jo and Henry drove into jerusalem to see me last night and I had such a great time. I have plans to see PJ tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. I havent seen her since she got married.
The first good therapist sent me the nicest birthday email- she let me know she is thinking about me and believes that it will all turn out well for me. I replied that I believe it too (I think I do) and thanked her for her role in getting me here
Alison has been calling everyone she knows trying to get me dates while I am here- I am not sure I really want to go out with someone who lives here but it is SO nice of her to make this huge effort.
2-I went with Aurora to a children's home in Netanya yesterday- i was so self-conscious and had a lot of trouble interacting with the children. Aurora was totally getting into it and I was mostly observing. why? i was trying to figure out if that should bother me or if i should just accept that I have other strengths. I felt like I should be happy that I went and feel good about it but most of the time I just wanted to go already. I was inspired by the people who worked there and the high school kids who we went with but i didnt really want to interact with the kids. I feel like I like helping people from a distance- and I dont really think that is admirable. I did tear up when the guy who runs it was talking about it- not sure what that says about me. It made me feel kind of inadequate.
3- I went with Alison tonight to the Kotel and to get a bracha from Reb Aryeh Levine's son (my dad arranged it). I am not sure why I do these things when I am not sure if or how I believe. Why daven at the kotel if I dont daven? why ask this rabbi to daven for me if I dont daven? do i believe in him if what makes him great is that he learns torah all day?
4- I have been eating a ton, I keep thinking I am going to stop the next day but then I don't. I feel fat and I havent' really been exercising and I know I have to fit into my gown for Meg and Will's wedding and yet I continue eating like it is my job. Why can't I stop myself? I feel yicky and it makes me nervous to date and I think I want to date but yet I keep eating.
In other news- good news
I have been catching up with some friends that I havent' seen in a while and it is great. Jo and Henry drove into jerusalem to see me last night and I had such a great time. I have plans to see PJ tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. I havent seen her since she got married.
The first good therapist sent me the nicest birthday email- she let me know she is thinking about me and believes that it will all turn out well for me. I replied that I believe it too (I think I do) and thanked her for her role in getting me here
Alison has been calling everyone she knows trying to get me dates while I am here- I am not sure I really want to go out with someone who lives here but it is SO nice of her to make this huge effort.
posted by Zoe at 6:40 PM
2 Comments:
faith takes shape in actions, beliefs are merely the crude explanations of this process that we offer to the world. na'aseh v'nishma. you are telling yourself that you are getting brachot because a) it will humor your parents and b) it can't hurt, but the reality is somewhere between c) you have never stopped the faith that you have because it's source is beyond you and d) all of the above. PS you are invited to hang out in the Capital of Golus anytime, we'll set you up.
-KMS
girl - i was a competitive eater in a former life -- i can't wait til i am a golden girl and spend my day eating cheesecake and suntanning
enjoy your second job :)
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