More of the same
Now that I have admitted to myself that I have been thinking about it- I realize it is all I've been thinking about even I have attempted to avoid thinking about it.
I've been thinking about my cousin's wedding a bunch of years ago (8 or 9) and how when I saw the pictures, I told myself I would never let myself get that fat again- I think I might be there and I will have to be in MANY more pictures. I looked so beautiful at Sophie's wedding and the family pictures are great. I feel like I am going to ruin the shots at Will's wedding as I (and my parents) will never want to look at them.
Lilah - "how is the cookie diet going? I haven't been hearing you talk about it"
Me- "that is because I haven't been doing it"
Lilah- "why not? I thought you said you were starting again when you went back to school"
Me- " things keep coming up"
Then she returned to a conversation that I hadn't picked up earlier regarding her own weight gain and again I didn't pick it up so she told me I was being mean - she said that when I dont care about skinny then no one should care about skinny.
Me- "there is just nothing to say about it"
Lilah- "since when does that stop us?"
And I suppose she is right when I am being "good" (there is definitely a problem associating such a highly valenced value judgement term with dieting) I, like all dieters, just want to talk about dieting but when I am not dieting or avoiding dieting, I want to avoid all dieting talk. I dont want to hear about Sophie's attempt to lose weight for the wedding, I dont want to hear how my dad won't eat the muffins Sophie baked for shabbat- I guess in some way it all feels like a criticism of me and I know I am the one casting the judgemental eye.
what do I do about this? I guess I get my butt to the gym and start making better choices. commit to a new lifestyle, a healthy lifestyle and try to look cute and feel good at any size- that is a lot of work but I have stop expecting this to solve itself.
It is ok to be overweight if I am healthy and I feel good about how I look- how do I do that? I want to stop feeling a stomach fold when I sit indian style and I want to stop feeling like I have breasts that are screaming mother earth or mrs butterworth (is she the buxom syrup lady?)
I am going clothing shopping with Sophie tomorrow. I am really dreading it.
Recently i have been having anxiety dreams- like I forgot to study for a test or I was lying to my parents about something and I was scared I was going to be caught- I thought it was starting school but that hasn't really been stressful and I am fairly confident about my interview- I think it might be anxiety about Will's wedding, anxiety about being the fat old spinster sister - "no wonder she's not married!"
i had this idea that I was doing well- that I was even-keeled and feeling serene about school and my decision to stay here and my decision to pursue this career path, feeling good about all the wonderful people in my life, feeling more comfortable dating-- now I don't know how well I have been doing. My sleep has been off (which I attributed to jet lag) and I've been less engaged with community stuff ( i kind of thought that was me not being depressed but not being hypomanic- just sort of regular)--- now I am starting to feel like I have no idea what is going on with me. Have I been avoiding dieting because I like ice cream and don't want to give chocolate? Or is there something else going on?
I've been thinking about my cousin's wedding a bunch of years ago (8 or 9) and how when I saw the pictures, I told myself I would never let myself get that fat again- I think I might be there and I will have to be in MANY more pictures. I looked so beautiful at Sophie's wedding and the family pictures are great. I feel like I am going to ruin the shots at Will's wedding as I (and my parents) will never want to look at them.
Lilah - "how is the cookie diet going? I haven't been hearing you talk about it"
Me- "that is because I haven't been doing it"
Lilah- "why not? I thought you said you were starting again when you went back to school"
Me- " things keep coming up"
Then she returned to a conversation that I hadn't picked up earlier regarding her own weight gain and again I didn't pick it up so she told me I was being mean - she said that when I dont care about skinny then no one should care about skinny.
Me- "there is just nothing to say about it"
Lilah- "since when does that stop us?"
And I suppose she is right when I am being "good" (there is definitely a problem associating such a highly valenced value judgement term with dieting) I, like all dieters, just want to talk about dieting but when I am not dieting or avoiding dieting, I want to avoid all dieting talk. I dont want to hear about Sophie's attempt to lose weight for the wedding, I dont want to hear how my dad won't eat the muffins Sophie baked for shabbat- I guess in some way it all feels like a criticism of me and I know I am the one casting the judgemental eye.
what do I do about this? I guess I get my butt to the gym and start making better choices. commit to a new lifestyle, a healthy lifestyle and try to look cute and feel good at any size- that is a lot of work but I have stop expecting this to solve itself.
It is ok to be overweight if I am healthy and I feel good about how I look- how do I do that? I want to stop feeling a stomach fold when I sit indian style and I want to stop feeling like I have breasts that are screaming mother earth or mrs butterworth (is she the buxom syrup lady?)
I am going clothing shopping with Sophie tomorrow. I am really dreading it.
Recently i have been having anxiety dreams- like I forgot to study for a test or I was lying to my parents about something and I was scared I was going to be caught- I thought it was starting school but that hasn't really been stressful and I am fairly confident about my interview- I think it might be anxiety about Will's wedding, anxiety about being the fat old spinster sister - "no wonder she's not married!"
i had this idea that I was doing well- that I was even-keeled and feeling serene about school and my decision to stay here and my decision to pursue this career path, feeling good about all the wonderful people in my life, feeling more comfortable dating-- now I don't know how well I have been doing. My sleep has been off (which I attributed to jet lag) and I've been less engaged with community stuff ( i kind of thought that was me not being depressed but not being hypomanic- just sort of regular)--- now I am starting to feel like I have no idea what is going on with me. Have I been avoiding dieting because I like ice cream and don't want to give chocolate? Or is there something else going on?
posted by Zoe at 4:26 AM
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