All about sex--

As in sexual abuse. I had training all day on Sunday and then went in on a call to the ER on Sunday night. I like the people who do this work. Meeting with them energizes and empowers me. It was a good call on Sunday night- not good that this homeless woman was raped but good that I felt like I made a difference and she appreciated it. I told SAVI that I would interview potential advocates this summer and I may join the Speaker's Bureau as well. I have to check my schedule for the fall to see if I can facilitate next year's training.
As in sex and the city - 2.5 hour film deserves being mentioned as part of my day. I went with Lia and Peter tonight after book club and then went to their apartment to watch Weeds with them. I really like the people in my life like Lia and Peter and the book club chicks- Kim, Stella and Trudy. We chose "The Story of a Marriage" as our next book and decided that we will meet again before next month's book club for sangria and set-ups. I am also going to see all of them on Shabbat at jesse's for dinner and here for lunch. Kim and I are also going to go swimming at her in-laws next week.
In other news -
-some downtown folk are going camping on July 11th and I am thinking about joining them. I would have to get a tent though.
- my mother and grandmother are splitting a trip for my graduation present (MA). I am thinking about a one week wellness retreat in costa rica. I think I even found someone to go with me. I will have to work out the details in the next couple of days.
-I think I secured another survivor for the film. I have to try to call her again tomorrow.

Such a good weekend and it's not over yet

Yay! Lilah is engaged to a man that I set her up with- my third match and what is better than finding your best friend her husband? It's so exciting and it also just makes me happy about who I am that I did this for her even though I am single. I'm not upset to be "left behind" i'm just excited because I know she deserves it and I know that my time will come. And I have been having a grand ole time too. Ok I didn't get engaged this weekend but I had a meeting with this eating disorder center and all of the therapists who have been working in the field for YEARS loved the clip of the film. They said this is the movie that they would have made. I am beyond excited and they want me to speak at their upcoming conference and arrange an in-service to train them to work with this community. I am so excited and I know that by the time I get my PhD I will be well regarded and connected in this field. I am really paving my way. I also secured a male bulimic for the film as well as two married survivors. I booked them for a week from tomorrow which hopefully will be our last day of shooting.
Emmet's friend came for Shabbat because I heard that he didn't have plans and I invited him. It was really nice to have him here and to have him just because I thought he might need a place to be. We went to minyan on Friday night and then went to dinner at Sean and Kim. It was really fun and relaxed and I just feel like I belong and am appreciated for being myself in the very best way. We went to Stella's new apt for lunch and it was more of the same. Tonight I went with Justin (Emmet's friend) and his boyfriend (who did my hair) to a party down the block. I danced with friends and drank and had fun and then we went to get some food next door. It was one of those nights when you feel like it is fun to live in the East Village and be young and have friends and enjoy life. I got home at 4 am and found Emmet depressed on the couch so we talked it out and now I am going to sleep. I have to wake up relatively early to train for the helpline but if I get really tired I can take a nap after training at 4. Hopefully I will meet Sarah for dinner later on. I have lots of fun plans for this week like book club and Juliet's going away party and dinner party at Jesse and other stuff we talked about over the course of the weekend. I also have to book tickets to present the film in Austin and Israel and finish up filming and meet with the PR department and hopefully get to the gym. I do feel like I have looked cute all weekend in the new clothes I bought with my mom in LA and I have been taken care of myself but I know I have to pay more attention to what I eat and I have to get to the gym more regularly. I did make tentative swimming plans with Kim for Monday and Wednesday so it's a start. Oh and I am going to school this week to look at a lab that I may work in next year and I made plans with Emmet's friend to buy wine and cheese for the party I am hosting next week for my future classmates. I feel like things are coming together and just moving in the right direction. Hopefully it will keep going that way.

The best laid plans....

I threw out my back this morning while getting dressed in cute new Michael Kors dress that my mom bought me in LA. So no trainer, no therapy, no presentation (i wasn't giving it but I wrote it so it would be fun to see), no board meeting, no swimming. I did make it to Emmet's dinner party but that was in my apt so I am not sure it counts. I am feeling a bit better and am hopeful that I will be able to make it to my two meetings and assessment tomorrow and maybe start getting some other stuff done at work since that clearly didn't happen today. There is a SAVI get together tomorrow night but I doubt I will make it out to Queens to join them. We'll see. I'm drugged up and slathered in icy hot so hopefully i will wake up ready to get it all done. I was upset to miss out on my day today and would like to avoid missing out on my day tomorrow.

Back to life... back to reality

Fortunately, reality seems pretty good. Really busy but good. It was so nice to be on vacation and I loved spending time with Lilah, Holden, Lauren, Erin, Sophie, Alex, Jamie and Adam as well as my aunt, cousins, uncle and grandparents. The weather in LA was fantastic and I went swimming and to the beach. Now I have to get back to my life and there is a ton going on. I have lots of exciting and not so exciting stuff to do for the film- including being invited to speak at an advocacy conference in September. I have to catch up at work and I have like 12 things to do/go to tomorrow night. I also have an appointment with my trainer and my therapist tomorrow and have to start working on getting in shape and getting the "man stuff" all straightened out in my head- which I think I have made some progress on. Spending weekend with Sarah and I have a party and training for rape and incest helpline. Should be a busy weekend and a totally busy 3 days. I should get to sleep so that I can get to the gym and then to presentation that we are giving. OK I can do all these things that I need to get done over the next few days (I just spent 2 hours returning film related e-mails and I am not done yet), I just have to get one thing done at a time and getting some sleep will help. Oh I also have to take care of some stuff for school for next year- I think I can do that next week. Ok, really need to sleep so I can have a productive day tomorrow. This is slightly overwhelming but all really amazing.

It is all about the swimming

Seriously there are few days that can't be saved by some outdoor swimming. I spent two hours in the pool trying to teach my nephew to swim and then doing laps. I may have a bit of a sunburn but I also have a strong sense of contentment. Which thankfully has been pretty regular recently. I went to lunch with Lilah on Friday (it is so much fun to be able to see her) and she told me I looked good, that I looked like I was taking care of myself. I told her that I am taking care of myself for the most part but mostly I am just content. And I realized that it was true- I am happy. There are things that I am working on but they are just that- things I am working on. No more than that- we all have things we are working on or we should otherwise we aren't going anywhere. Things are really great. I am starting a PhD program that I have been working towards for 4 years. I am completing filming on a project that I have been working on for 3 years. I have a great time with my siblings, I have been getting along better with my mom and my dad has been OK for the past week (that is progress- we even took a walk together and did something that seemed an awful lot like talking). I am happy for Erin that she is getting married and I am thrilled for Lilah that she is happy and moving on. I just really like the people in my life and I like who I am in a fundamental way. In some ways it just seems that simple. At least for now.
It is great to be in LA and talk books with Holden and shop with Lauren, Erin and Sophie and play with Jamie and Adam and hang out with my grandparents and cousins and aunt and uncle. I feel the usual anxiety about wanting to hang out with Lilah and wanting to hang out with my siblings and not to miss out on either but I am trying to appreciate that I am lucky to have people who love me and who want to hang out with me. I know I will have a good time whatever I do but I can't be in two places at once. I haven't perfected it yet but I am trying and the anxiety is a lot less. It also helps that I know that all the players want me around but understand that I also have some place else to be. It kind of sucks to have to miss something when I can spend a lot of time doing nothing but I suppose that is how life goes.
I should get to bed so that I can work on film stuff and hang with Lilah and the sibs and all the other stuff I am going to want to do tomorrow (including load up on Coffee Bean while I can).

It's amazing what a good swim can do

Beautiful day and I had coffee with Lois in the sun and swam laps in a fantastic pool. It's hard not to think that life is pretty good. Filming is moving along really well. And I have a full day tomorrow including an assessment and then dinner with friends and party with other friends. And then weekend in LA with my family. It's all good.
Lilah is happy and that makes me smile and I am just content.
I find that swimming just helps me clear my head and brings me a sense of peace.

Cleaning house

I cleaned my room, took out my trash, finally got a full leg wax. And I think I am going to start really trying to keep my insides cleaner. I feel like it is helping me get my life and head in order. If nothing else, I have clean sheets :) Tomorrow I may even do laundry. And I got rid of all the clothes that I don't wear. When Elle gets back from her trip she is going to take me shopping and help me fashion my downtown funky but casual grad student look.

Trying to appreciate all the good in my life

There is all this good stuff going on. I have to stop and revel in my good fortune.
-I am an author on a paper that was submitted for publication today.
-We should be finished filming by the end of the month and I secured an original song from a talented songwriter friend.
-Interviewed for a good part-time job today- walking distance from my apt, flexible hours, utilizing my skills (writing up research, evaluations and assessments).
-Dinner party tonight for Harry and Sally's baby.
-Grad party and birthday party tomorrow night.
-Plans with friends from my old lab and very old job.
-Heading to Baltimore on Sunday morning after girl's brunch.
-Going to Israel in November for Israel premiere of the film.
I have to go get ready for dinner but I wanted to take a moment to remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life. I love that I have friends from every lab and job I have had in the past 4 years. I love the downtown peeps (and I am really excited about our book club). I am trying to be more social and get out and meet new men and feel good about myself when I do- remember why I really like myself and so should the men I am interested in. I like who I am and I am proud of myself. And I am pretty damn cute. Things are good, I am good and now I am going to get dressed, go out and enjoy my life.

This is just my life...

I went to school to register today. I guess this is really happening. Felt kind of anti-climactic but as Lilah pointed out- this is my life now. I am a PhD student and it will feel banal- it is just what I will be doing every day but I worked really hard to get here and I should remember to enjoy it too. I had dinner with Joan and Bobby tonight. I love our weekly dinner and explorations of new restaurants in the city. And then I came home and caught up on emails and hung out with Emmett and watched TV (love Top Chef) and engaged in a little text flirting with my Southern jailbait. Not a spectacular day- just a nice regular day.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a part-time job. Ten hours a week at the hospital isn't really enough (although I might get my first trauma focused CBT patient tomorrow) and the personal assistant job fell through as my free hours and his didn't mesh. Tomorrow's job is walking distance from my apt and involved actually skills like APA style writing- this could be a good thing. I also have meetings for the film and work and I have plans with Elle. Emmett is supposed to wake me to go to the gym in the morning as well. Nothing earth shattering - just my life and it ain't bad.
Sophie, Lauren and I were talking about Erin's bridal shower today. I am really just happy for her. I am confident that my time will come and I am just enjoying seeing how happy she is. I really do love my siblings and in some ways I am really humbled by the depths of my attachment to them.
I think I'm just content. Trying to eat better and exercise more and excited to start my summer reading assignments and would love a boyfriend (but I'm not sure that I don't have to get my head in order a bit more first- at least that is what I told Sam when she wanted to know why I am hanging out with married folk for Shavuot instead of hitting up the scene) but I think I am sure it will all fall into place. Not that I won't have to work on it but it will work out. I suppose like AA it will work if I work it.

Over 6 months since my last post...

I don't know what happened, I just got busy with applications and finals and Holden's wedding and then it had been so long since I posted that I almost forgot that I used to do it. I'm not sure if I didn't need it or if I was avoiding it or if I wasn't inclined to broadcast my thoughts to (an admittedly meager) audience. I just didn't do it. There were a few times over the past couple of months when I considered blogging but I was never motivated enough to start. And even now, I am ambivalent about it, I have been thinking that it is time to start keeping journal again, at least for a little while, but I am not sure if it should be handwritten or typed, shared or not (although at this point my audience likely consists of one person and that is just because this is set up to be sent to his e-mail). I'll see. I may keep up with this or I may just type it up in word or I may go old-school. I'm not sure. I just know that it is time to start journaling in some form. And since it is 330 in the morning and I am not falling asleep this seemed like a good time to start. Of course, part or me wants to return to the book I was reading (Bright Early Morning by James Frey) and call this entry a fair comeback effort. But I think that it is the part of me that is avoiding writing and thinking about the stuff that makes me think that I should be doing this in the first place. Even now, I am thinking about writing about googling Arnie for the first time in months but I am pretty sure that when I was in bed last night, thinking that I need to start writing, I wasn't thinking about Arnie, who I haven't thought about in months but I guess I started thinking about this past week. Well that isn't exactly true- this week in therapy I was talking about men and my dad and my patterns and trying to break them. Since Wed morning I have been reviewing some of the men in my past and thinking about how they fit the pattern and I am not sure that Arnie does, which is why I suppose he stuck with me in some way. I think he represents a different aspect of my personal pathology. I think it is time to stop choosing men (unconsciously) who fit my weaknesses or patterns or fears. I want to truly start connecting with men and connecting with them for the right reasons. I want to stop being indifferent to someone until I think he is losing interest and then in my attempt to "woo" my father, start to chase him. I want to stop being afraid that if I really let someone in, he will find me wanting. He will judge me to be somehow "less than" in the same manner that my father makes me feel that he sees me. I know better. I am not less than. I am pretty fucking amazing and I worked so hard to get here. I refuse to let my perception of how my father sees me matter. If I am honest with myself, I don't really like him. So what he thinks shouldn't matter and quite frankly, even if I did like him, I am not sure that what he thinks should matter. I love my dad but I don't think he is a good person. Anyone who makes their daughter feel like shit about herself is not a good person. I spent all weekend with my family and there is all this evidence about how well liked and respected my dad is and all the good things he does, and I keep repeating in my head, "he is mean to you, anyone who is mean to their daughter is not a good person, not really." It hurts me to think it and say it and type it and now I have tears in my eyes- but are the tears real? or are they there because I think that daughters should be pained when thinking that their fathers are not good people?
I love my siblings and I love spending time with them but for the most part, I could really skip the parental hang out sessions. At least now. I was talking to Sophie (who is moving to Israel and my tears are very genuine when I consider not having her around next year and dating someone (I hope) who she won't meet until I am engaged or as good as (I made her promise to fly in when I get engaged and I made Alex promise to watch the kids. It is bad enough that Will may not be at my engagement party (to a man I haven't met) but the thought of having both will and Sophie absent hurts terribly) about eating healthy and feeling good and basically she was like you just have to get a hold on the emotional eating. And we were talking about triggers and I told her - Daddy, he is a major trigger. I don't think she noticed how mean he can be to me or how much it hurts me. And she asked me again why we don't go to family therapy and I told her that I don't think that he would. She claims that he would- which makes me wonder if I really want him to. Do I want to try to improve my relationship with him or do I really just want to try not to give a shit? It feels like the latter. Is it because I think it is easier? do I want to avoid engaging with him? Do I want to avoid hearing his gripes against me? Hearing him talk about why he is justified in treating me this way. Am I scared that it will hurt me? Am I scared that I will think he is right? Or do I just want to avoid hearing negative things about myself? Do I want to avoid taking responsibility for my role in our relationship? Do I prefer to just know my version so that I can continue to blame him and keep myself "pure"? The last response seems to resonate with me but I wonder if it is because I am so conditioned to think that I have done something wrong in his eyes and even as I try to emerge from that haze, it draws me in. Or do I not want to give up his financial support and I feel that if I really explore my relationship with him I will realize that I really have to do that. Why am I so reluctant to take out loans to pay for school and cover my rent? Sure, it makes life harder but I have chosen many times to make my life harder when there was a reward. Do I not want to remove the one thing that feels like my father's love even if it also feels like some sort of obligation? For instance, if I were financially independent would I wear pants in my parent's home? Would I still respect their boundaries or would I refuse to stop engaging in this farce?
I realize that regardless of my father's involvement in the process, I really need to work out my Daddy issues. I know that I thought that I worked them out before but if I am honest with myself, I realize had I worked them out, I would have a boyfriend. I think (and I may be completely wrong) that my last (but by no means minor) obstacle is my dad. It is hard for me to figure out what I want when part of me is attracted to men that my father would approve of and that part still needs his approval and part of me is attracted to men that my father would consider to be "slaps in the face" - in some way they are ways to rebel against him. I haven't been looking at it that way, I have been thinking that these men fit me, reflected my values and my choices but if that were true, I would have connected with one. I thought I figured out who I was and what I wanted and I think for a large part that is true, so I figured that I had to find a man who fit me as I chose her to be. But now as I look back I realize that there are all these ways in which my father loomed large (even with Arnie which I didn't see until a year and a half later- but he came from the kind of family that my dad would approve of and had the education that my dad had to respect but his lack of religious observance was a big fuck you to my dad- obviously it is more complicated than this but this is a new way to think about things). I am hoping that looking at things from this perspective will be useful and I will be able to excise my dad- or at least excise him enough so that I can connect with a man and have a boyfriend and get engaged and get married. I want to, I really do. I think I have everything else under control. I am ridiculously excited about starting school and I like my job (most of the time- no one like data entry), I love my apt and my roommate and my neighborhood, I have awesome friends and I feel like I am starting to recommit to eating well and exercising and generally I have been looking pretty cute (although I didnt feel that way today after I went shopping for a dress for Erin's engagement party- I just felt fat), the movie is coming along- not as quickly as I would like but it is coming along, I am starting training for a rape and incest hotline for the Orthodox community - usually, I am living the life that I choose, with friends whose values are the same as my own, feeling good about my life, my choices, the people in my world, confident that I am well-liked and for good reason. But I can't keep pretending that nothing is missing or the nothing that is missing will just come along (or will appear on jdate or sawyouatsinai). I also can't keep ignoring the fact that I am not taking care of my health- I don't need to be thin (but who am I kidding, once I start taking care of myself of course I would like to be thin) but I do need to feel good and I need to be healthy and fit. I just can't get obsessive and pathological (history of eating disorder and i know part of it never goes away, just lays in wait for its time to strike- but I have to stop avoiding engaging in the process, I have to have confidence that when I need to battle it, when it rises, I will be well-equipped to handle it. I can do this without becoming obsessive- or I will try and will try to continue to remain cognizant that it is an issue)
Ok seriously it is 415 and I have a full day starting at 740 tomorrow including Erin's engagment party that will likely be going until midnight, I really need to try to go to sleep again.