In Israel
I've been doing a bit of traveling over the past few months which has required a bit of juggling since I have to work out school, clinic, research and my job responsibilities. I haven't been going anywhere too exotic and basically I have a really good reason each time. I'm in Israel for the premiere of my film (its completion should make me feel like I have tons more time as I won't be spending hours each week, including Sunday, editing the film). The premiere went well and I think that the film is good. And I think that I answered the post- screening questions knowledgeably and articulately. I'm proud of myself but for some reason not feeling really satisfied. It may be because it is 6:30 am and I stayed up to write a paper that I haven't made much progress on. It may be because I'm feeling lonely (although I have been having a lovely trip and have seen many friends and spent lots of time with Sophie, Jamie and Adam), it may be because I am feeling fat and it may be for some other reason all together- I'm not sure. I know I'm lucky and beloved and I am a good person but I think I realize now that all that isn't enough- I'm busy and productive and social and respected but I want someone to love, I want true intimacy. I think that for a long time I was scared of it- I am not sure that I always realized that I frightened, but I was. And I realized recently that I don't think I am anymore. I realized that as much as I value my independence and I am proud of my individual accomplishments and I enjoy my freedom- I am willing to trade in some of that for true intimacy. I don't need to be with someone else but I REALLY WANT TO BE. And I have to find a way to be comfortable with that and I have to find a way to find someone appropriate- I am not sure that I really know where to start. I'm going to try going out and just meeting people who are suggested to me even if I suspect that they are not going to be a good fit- I feel like that makes me feel like I am in the dating game but I'm not sure that it is the best use of my limited time. Is it worthwhile to meet someone that I suspect I wouldn't want to date? Or are my suspicions unfounded or based on something totally irrelevant or superficial?
The Kabbalist who told me (through my sister and dad) that I was afraid of getting married and didn't speak about it told my brother in law that I no longer have anything standing in my way- I just have to go out and I'll get married.
I want to build a life with someone- I am really proud of the life I built for myself, the life I am building for myself but I don't want to be alone. I have amazing friends and I love my family and my roommate but I want someone in this world who loves me more than anyone, I want someone that is the most important person to me who feels the same way about me. I have watched all of my younger siblings get married and now three of them are expecting children (Sophie's third and the boys are expecting their firsts) and I don't want children right now, but I want to be with someone whose children I want to have. I hate crying that I am the single sibling. Wanting something that I don't know how to get (I knew how to get myself into grad school- it took a lot of work but I knew how to do it, I figured out how to make a movie but this seems different- it relies on someone else who I don't know and it makes me feel vulnerable and it makes me feel pathetic even though I know it isn't.)I was sincerely happy for Erin when she got married and unselfishly filled with joy at Lilah's wedding. I was and am happy for them but I want MY turn. I don't want to keep setting people up because I don't know another way to feel like I'm making an effort (although I'm meeting some Rabbi friend of my dad's this week as he is supposed to know a lot of guys). I want to set people up in a completely disinterested fashion because I don't harbor any hopes that they will reciprocate, as I don't need them to. I just want to set people up because I want them to be as happy as I am. I am happy now- I am not looking for someone to complete me or make me into something more or make me content as I can't do that on my own. That isn't why I want to be with someone. I do appreciate my independence but it is starting to feel old. I want the belonging to someone and something that my siblings have. I want my turn. I don't want to be the one with my parents because everyone else is with their spouses and I don't have one. I miss the feeling I had with Arnie of having someone sincerely curious about you and I miss the feeling I had with Wally (although God knows I don't miss him) that someone wanted to make you happy and I miss the feeling that I had when I was with Kermit of being fully invested in someone else's happiness. And I suppose there really isn't anything pathetic about wanting those things. We all want those things. I have to accept that I want them and I won't really be able to control when and how I get them.
Being in Israel and with my family makes me realize that while I am not fully observant, I do want a truly Jewish life and it is important to me in ways that make someone who is unaffiliated inappropriate. I think figuring out what I want has been a big part of getting over being scared of committing by choosing a mate. I am committing in others ways. Spending Shabbat with my family highlighted the importance of having that be part of my life. And I haven't quite figured out the whole me-God thing and the whole me-religion thing but I feel like I am getting there and I know it is never going to fit into some box and I may never fully understand it. There is no reason why I should put stock in what a Rabbi says about my life when I don't listen to the proscriptions he has set forth regarding observance. But somehow I do. Maybe because it's easy and convenient, maybe because I want to and it may be hypocritical but somehow I don't think that it is. I do believe in God, I just haven't worked out all the details. I do know that the last time I prayed (granted its not something I do often) I did feel connected to God- but not connected enough to repeat it. I think I'll go to the Kotel tomorrow and pray for the first time in over a month. I always maintained that I didnt' like prayer because I didn't find it was meaningful (to me) but last time I prayed it was meaningful but I'm not sure that it wasn't just that I was pouring my heart out and it was better to feel that my catharsis was directed. Do I think God heard me and responded in some way? I would like to think so but I'm not sure how I think that works. and honestly at this point in my life I feel like i'm too busy to start figuring it out. Maybe my winter break would be best spent in some form of spiritual reflection and maybe I have to get over this idea that I am not a spiritual person. Although I may just have constructed an image of God that works for me.
At this point if I am not going to write my paper (which really needs to get done and I wasted a lot of time tonight procrastinating) I should go to sleep. I'm not really all that worried that I won't finish my paper on time although I would like to have finished it and to have started the paper that is due later this week (especially sinc e I shlepped books and articles for both assignments).
The Kabbalist who told me (through my sister and dad) that I was afraid of getting married and didn't speak about it told my brother in law that I no longer have anything standing in my way- I just have to go out and I'll get married.
I want to build a life with someone- I am really proud of the life I built for myself, the life I am building for myself but I don't want to be alone. I have amazing friends and I love my family and my roommate but I want someone in this world who loves me more than anyone, I want someone that is the most important person to me who feels the same way about me. I have watched all of my younger siblings get married and now three of them are expecting children (Sophie's third and the boys are expecting their firsts) and I don't want children right now, but I want to be with someone whose children I want to have. I hate crying that I am the single sibling. Wanting something that I don't know how to get (I knew how to get myself into grad school- it took a lot of work but I knew how to do it, I figured out how to make a movie but this seems different- it relies on someone else who I don't know and it makes me feel vulnerable and it makes me feel pathetic even though I know it isn't.)I was sincerely happy for Erin when she got married and unselfishly filled with joy at Lilah's wedding. I was and am happy for them but I want MY turn. I don't want to keep setting people up because I don't know another way to feel like I'm making an effort (although I'm meeting some Rabbi friend of my dad's this week as he is supposed to know a lot of guys). I want to set people up in a completely disinterested fashion because I don't harbor any hopes that they will reciprocate, as I don't need them to. I just want to set people up because I want them to be as happy as I am. I am happy now- I am not looking for someone to complete me or make me into something more or make me content as I can't do that on my own. That isn't why I want to be with someone. I do appreciate my independence but it is starting to feel old. I want the belonging to someone and something that my siblings have. I want my turn. I don't want to be the one with my parents because everyone else is with their spouses and I don't have one. I miss the feeling I had with Arnie of having someone sincerely curious about you and I miss the feeling I had with Wally (although God knows I don't miss him) that someone wanted to make you happy and I miss the feeling that I had when I was with Kermit of being fully invested in someone else's happiness. And I suppose there really isn't anything pathetic about wanting those things. We all want those things. I have to accept that I want them and I won't really be able to control when and how I get them.
Being in Israel and with my family makes me realize that while I am not fully observant, I do want a truly Jewish life and it is important to me in ways that make someone who is unaffiliated inappropriate. I think figuring out what I want has been a big part of getting over being scared of committing by choosing a mate. I am committing in others ways. Spending Shabbat with my family highlighted the importance of having that be part of my life. And I haven't quite figured out the whole me-God thing and the whole me-religion thing but I feel like I am getting there and I know it is never going to fit into some box and I may never fully understand it. There is no reason why I should put stock in what a Rabbi says about my life when I don't listen to the proscriptions he has set forth regarding observance. But somehow I do. Maybe because it's easy and convenient, maybe because I want to and it may be hypocritical but somehow I don't think that it is. I do believe in God, I just haven't worked out all the details. I do know that the last time I prayed (granted its not something I do often) I did feel connected to God- but not connected enough to repeat it. I think I'll go to the Kotel tomorrow and pray for the first time in over a month. I always maintained that I didnt' like prayer because I didn't find it was meaningful (to me) but last time I prayed it was meaningful but I'm not sure that it wasn't just that I was pouring my heart out and it was better to feel that my catharsis was directed. Do I think God heard me and responded in some way? I would like to think so but I'm not sure how I think that works. and honestly at this point in my life I feel like i'm too busy to start figuring it out. Maybe my winter break would be best spent in some form of spiritual reflection and maybe I have to get over this idea that I am not a spiritual person. Although I may just have constructed an image of God that works for me.
At this point if I am not going to write my paper (which really needs to get done and I wasted a lot of time tonight procrastinating) I should go to sleep. I'm not really all that worried that I won't finish my paper on time although I would like to have finished it and to have started the paper that is due later this week (especially sinc e I shlepped books and articles for both assignments).
posted by Zoe at 11:24 PM
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