Questions and maybe some answers

What came first- T2GT told me that I am doing well and he asked me what role Arnie played in my well-being. I countered that I don't think I would have connected with Arnie at all if I wasn't feeling good about myself.
Arnie said he was sorry that I was cryiing and hurt and I countered that I am happy that I can feel- i would rather feel sad and know that I can feel - is that true?
I dont' think there is really anything else to say about Arnie- it just was - we dont' have to figure out why or what it was- it was and now it's not. He is a good guy and I think he really didn't want to hurt me adn I would think that knowing he is a god guy would make it worse because now I can't villify him and artificially make myself feel better- but I think it is a measure of my growth that I don't want to- I want to remember him as the sweet, sexy, smart guy he is, who entered my life for a brief while and I can be sad that it is over and value it on it's own terms.
I had a lovely lunch with Dani and we discussed relationships, sex, intimacy and letting people in among other things. I think I have been making the right choices for me recently and I think that I would have been OK with sleeping with Arnie, although I am happy that we didn't since he still is in love with someone else. I just don't think that sex is the big deal that I used to think it was, I think that I can sleep with someone other than my husband and I no longer expect to be my husband's first. Did I let Arnie in because i knew he was leaving? Did I really let him in at all?
I think going away for the weekend will be good for me as will driving back to NY on Monday night with my brothers. I love road trip with Will and Holden. On Tuesday I will have to get my car back from Arnie- maybe I will spend some time with him and maybe not. I would be happy to see him again and hang out with him but I will be OK if last night was the last night. Either way he is leaving on Tuesday and I wont' have any regrets. I am happy to have had this interlude and I think I will be ready to open myself up next time. Maybe I'll open up to Bernard- we'll see what happens. I think I am ready to let someone in and share my life with someone. It was nice to share myself with someone for a while. It was nice to share a bed with someone. It was nice to have someone in the other room while I studied yesterday and this morning. It was nice to learn about someone and allow myself to care about someone. It was nice to feel comfortable with someone and like I belonged for a little bit. I think I might be ready to be with someone and i think I have a lot to offer the right person. Maybe Bernard could be the right person and maybe I will be the right person soon or in a while. I don't know. I think I want to be in love- Dani told me it could really F--- you up and I know well enough that it isn't enough to make a relationship work but I think I would like to try, and maybe it will work and maybe it won't but I think I want to try it and if I get hurt, I get hurt. I think I would rather experience thiings and feel even if it means that i will get hurt rather than living in a bubble and protecting myself from getting hurt but then not getting to feel all the exquisite emotions life has to offer- including pain, i think I would prefer that to muted, bland experiences. I don't think I want that kind of life. It is safe and easy and painless but it isn't real and true and it isn't the way to live fully.

The Arnie update

I don't know how I feel. I think I am OK. I feel a little bit empty but I know that it will pass. I made my choice- I went to see ARnie again knowing that we weren't going to have a relationship and I don't even think I want one with him. Sometimes being with him is great and sometimes it just isn't. I am not sure what the appeal is and sometimes when I am with him I really don't care if he stays or goes but then when he goes I feel sad. This is so weird and in some ways it is so real. I honestly don't get it. He told me that he likes tha tI just feel my emotions and I don't try to manipulate them- (this is when I was crying in his arms about us) and that I did everything right- he is the one with intimacy issues. I dont' think he has intimacy issues, I think he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. It seems like they couldn't make it work and she is all he wants and he is just doing everything else to stop missing her. I feel really warmly and protective towards him. I am not sure what it is. I don't want him to be mine long-term but I want to take care of him.
He asked me what makes me pained about the world and when he answered he told me that when we are kids we can just get a hug when we need it but as adults we have to jump through hoops to get someone to hold us. I kind of want to be there to hold him whenever he needs it.
This was such an odd experience. I think I did what I wanted. And I think I am happy about it. I told him that when all was said and done, I wouldn't have any regrets. It's weird to let someone in without any expectations of a future or a relationship. He was really sweet and didn't want to hurt me and was concerned that he would leave and I would e-mail him and he wouldn't respond or he would be in NY for the weekend and he wouldn't call me and I would be hurt. I told him that I fully expected that he would leave and I would never hear from him again- my intention was to delete his e-mail and his phone number so as to remove temptation- I know he doesn't want to hear from him and I am not sure that continuing contact would be good for me anyway. I think that it might ruin what we had- it was what it was and no more. I know it is weird and I dont' understand it but it was just this place out of my life and now I am going back to my life and I get to take anything I gained from it back into my life with me. I sort of see it as this beautiful, odd gift. He told me that he is sorry that he hurt me- and I told him it was OK and he said it hurt him too. And he was right, every time we spend time together we do get closer and he was wrong because the time we spent together also demonstrated to me how transient this thing was. I guess it is good to know that I can connect with someone and feel close to someone. We were talking about being in love and I was saying that I thought I was in love twice- Kermit and Caleb but I don't think that I was in love. I dont' think I loved myself enough then to love anyone else really. I think I do love myself enough now, I think I am not sorry about how I acted or anything I said. I think I like who I am and I am mostly confident that other people will see me and like it too. I know I wasn't alone in my whatever with Arnie- he connected to me too. And connecting with someone has intrinsic value. I am happy that I did it.
And now it's over and it's time to let go and let him move on and get back to my life. Get back to my family, friends, school (although I did study while I was with him the past 36 hours), dating, responsibilities. And I'm not sorry.
I will have to see him again as he has my car for the weekend so he can pack up but I think it will just be a quick exchange. I think our time together is over whether or not I am ready. Maybe we will spend a little more time together before he leaves but i have to expect that we won't. I thought he was leaving on Sunday so he would be gone tomorrow. He says he is leaving on Tuesday so I will have to get my keys back on monday night or tuesday morning but that is just a detail.
And reader, I didn't sleep with him.
I just listened to all the voicemails I ignored while I was with Arnie. And that is what made me cry- I got a really sweet message from Bernard, a concerned message from Lilah, messages from my mom and Sophie and one from this random guy I went out with once in the beginning of the summer. It's time to get back to my life and to the people who love me. I have to call my mom and Sophie back and explain my short dissappearance. I wasn't totally irresponsible, I did talk to Lois and explain that I was coming a day late to Baltimore and I spoke to Holden for the same reason.
I should go get some studying done before my train to Baltimore. I am also going to meet Dani for lunch. Just spend sometime with a friend to break up spending the day alone. I could always go to Jesse's for lunch but I was supposed to be in Baltimore already and I'm not sure I am in the mood for Shabbat lunch- even though I love it and I love my friends down here and I know that I am always welcome but I know I will get some of that kind of experience tonight and the rest of the weekend in Baltimore. I am really lucky and blessed.
I doubt myself and my values and beliefs all the time and sometimes I don't know who I am but I think I have figured out a way to function well most of the time.

i don't know what I am doing but I am pretty sure I am going to do it anyway

I found something to watch on TV so I didn't go over to Pacey's apt. And then I heard from Arnie, (I had alredy deleted his number from my phone but I recognized it anyway). He wants his lenses back and I had offered to lend him car for the weekend for his packing while I was out of town and he is taking me up on it. So I am going to his apt now to drop off my car and he is going to drive me back in the morning. I am happy to get another night at the beach. I think we aren't going to do anything but I am still going to wear cute underwear just in case. I guess I am that easy, if he wants to hook up I will. I am going to drive over (now my neck is feeling better- or at least better enough) and hopefully get some studying done and then go to sleep. I think I would still sleep with him even though he is leaving. the truth is I would delay going to Baltimore and spend a day in bed with him if he wanted to - i know that can't be a good idea and I am not going to offer it, I am not going to offer it, I am not going to offer it. Also how horrible would I feel if I was turned down. I am not going to come on to him tonight. I am going to go over, read my textbook, go to sleep and have him drive me back in the morning.
(While I have been typing this, Pacey IMed me and when I apologized for not coming over, he responded "WTVR")
I ate so much today that I feel kind of nauesous and really feel like the complete opposite of sexy.
This might make saying godbye harder or if might not- either way I am going to do it. I know it is a bad idea but I want to do it and I am going to do it. i hope it isn't wildly self-destructive. I think I am not doing anything that will jeopardize my life long term. I am still on top of schoolwork and i think I will do well this semester and I am keeping my friends and family and keeping up with my volunteer work. I think I am happy and I think this is OK.

Not much going on

So i spent the day on my couch with Icy hot and aleve and strategically placed pillows. Did not get much studying done or much else done other than bok eating disorder speakers for my next parlor meeting. Feeling a little better,not up to par but well enouhg to get back to life and I kind of miss life. A day off is nice but I have been consistently productive (mostly) for past few weeks and it feels good.
My mom thinks that I might be carrying my stress in my neck. It is possible. My parents have been really great the past couple of days.
Getting kind of bored since I was home all day- deciding if I am bored enough to go uptown and hang out with Pacey- he has showtime and I want to catch up on weeds. I guess I will shower and then decide.

Bedtime

I have been texting with Bernard- he is cute and I think he is into me. He is out of town until sunday and I think I am going to MD on Friday until Monday. Although I shouldn't go if I haven't gotten enough studying done for my exam on Tuesday and i have a bunch of stuff I should be doing for my insurance for my car, my ED movie, BPD research, other volunteer stuff to say nothing of stats exam (part 2) tomorrow. But I really do want to see Lois and Clark and baby supergirl.
Song of the day- Fond Farewell by Elliot Smith (thanks Arnie)- totally my new favorite song. Lilah, send more Elliot Smith please.
Not sure what I think about Bernard- he is really skinny and I dont' love that but I am not sure that I can't get over it. Isn't every girl looking for a guy who weighs less than her? At this point, I guess I will just see how it goes. I enjoy spending time with him and there haven't been any big red flags (is that what our standards have come to?) and it seems like he is a contender (what does that even mean?). I guess we are progressing at a rate that is appropriate for a mature, real (potential) relationship.
I should probably throw out Arnie's contact lenses that are sitting in my bathroom, and I should delete his number from my phone (without resaving it from my missed call log). I guess I should be proud of myself that I really do wish him well and I don't feel the need to mentally denigrate him in order to feel better about him. Other (pathetically) pride worthy facts, i ahve been MUCH nicer to other people in lab and in class. And i guess I should feel good that it wasn't my imagination- he thought we were getter closer too which is why he pulled away before leaving (because he didn't want to get closer- that part doesn't neccesarily make me feel better) but I wasn't in this alone. In some weird way we connected, I think.
At this point I think I am so tired and preoccupied by my pain that I am not sure I can think straight.

Ow

I pulled or strained a muscle in my neck. I keep hanging up on everyone who calls b/c I am really distracted by my neck (and the serious smell of icy hot). I would go to sleep but i lent Erin my car and I need to wait up for her to bring it back. Hopefully I will feel better before Neurophysiology tomorrow. My planned night of relaxing and sutdying didn't really go off as planned. Ordering in dinner worked out jsut fine though. If by fine i mean I ate enough to feel sick. I have been super munchy all day- I'm not sure what is going on but if I want to continue losing weight I have to stop eating and start exercising.

The tears just keep on coming

I went to T2GT today and spent the last 15 minutes crying - I was talking about Arnie and I realized that I really wasn't ready to let him go (not that I had a choice). Monday night I was thinking "I like you so much more than I should" but I didn't say it. I also didn't tell him that I would have slept with him if he wasn't leaving town- I didn't think we would end up together or even really date but I think I would have had a good experience with him and I was comfortable with him. T2GT told me that I am doing well and I am sad but that is normal.
I wonder if Lilah is right and the only develepoed emotional receptors I have are those for rejection. I am not sure, I thought that I was upset because I felt rejected but I dont' think that is it. I think I miss him and I wasn't ready to let him go. I thought I would have a little more time with him. I know that this time next week he would be gone either way and it is probably better to be less emotionally attached and spending more time with him would have only made me more attached. I know all that and still I want to see him and spend another night with him or a day. I totally don't get it. We aren't compatible and we are not what the other person is looking for and he isn't ready for a relationship but somehow I just felt close to him. And I really think that he felt close to me too. I am not sure what the attraction was on either end but I really did and do care about him. I miss his body and feeling like it was mine for a while and having a place to lay my head even just for a moment. I miss feeling comfortable with him. I am not sure what I liked about him- he is sweet and smart and sexy and sad in some ways- I am not sure if that is what I was drawn to but it didnt' feel pathological - it just felt tender. I don't think I realized how much I cared about him. I really don't get it and I know he isn't the last guy I will ever feel connected to and there were all these silences. I kind of want to just sit with him and study or just sleep in his apt and hear the ocean and I guess I wouldn't mind once last hook-up. I probably would have been more in the mood than tired on Monday had I known that I wasn't going to see him again. He offered to meet me to say goodbye and see this movie that I wanted to see but I declined b/c I felt like it would just be stilted and awkward but now I am kind of sorry.

Welcome to my stream of conciousness

Note- For some reason the ability to post comments was screwed up but I have since fixed it- Please comment
I am never going to be able to catch up and flesh out all the stickies and all the unfinished drafts so i am just going to publish the drafts as they are and cut and paste the stickies here and then I will start with a clean slate but with the ability to reference older thoughts (even if they aren't fully developed)-most of the stickies are notes I made in class last week and on monday and tuesday. Depending on how things go in the lab I may discuss some of the points later today.
I think these are in chronological order- such as they are
stickie 1- off my to do list- blog religion and personal growth and belonging-
(it has been on the top of my list for quite some time)
stickie 2- BLOG
studying
convos- queen, seymour
work- t2gt
beach
food- coffee, dried mango, salads, mango, shawarma,
soy latte, coffee
hook up with arnie- not girlfriend- nice to have someone tell me i'm beautiful- totally sober- nice to sleep at someone's apt but also nice that there isn't expectations of each other- just is- i guess if it goes well with bernard i should stop- drugs- "i hope life works out for you"
swim
wedding
fundraising for ed video
lab
studying
impulse control /avoidance- problems with my hook up?- self-destructive? short sighted?

stickie 3- food- backwards- coffee, foccacia, fructose candy, coffee, spicy peanuts, soy latte, caramel machiatto, fruit juice, chicken, carrots, 2 gnochi, carrots, very little salad and tuna, soy latte, coffee, soy latte, weight watchers bar, soy latte, sald with tuna and itialian dressing

photo from fundraiser- i thought i looked good until i saw pics
seymour, simon
i'm a 15 yr old boy who just discovered sex (and i'm not even having sex)
ohel wedding
date with bernard
not getting enough sleep
arnie- what do i want from him? if it is just fun i should not be prioritizing him at all

studying- avoiding it but priortizing everything else
lab
sinai
DVG- down 5.5 - at 177.5 - lost another 2 inches off my waist
Rosh Hashanah
stella- busting out

stickie 4-
offsite comments
queen- hooking up- talking about sophie's wedding
arnie- emotions/contender
do i ever think i am hot? cute yes
is this a good idea- self destructive? make me normal for contenders? is it ok since he is leaving- givng him too much priority- am i going to get myself in trouble and get too attached to him?
what do i want from him- do i want him to ask about bernard? stella- doesn't want me to get hurt- spending as much time as i can with him efore he leaves- silly?
am i deliberately giveing myself emotional space from bernard? is that even neccesary?
it's like i am deliberately not letting go of him when i can but i am not- if i give it a couple of days i'll be over him but i'm waiting for him to go
do i want to spend full day with him before he leaves? why?
we have a lot of silence when we aren't in bed and even then- what is the attraction? i'm not even so into kissing him- he is an ok kisser but he is really sweet- why am i obsessing about him?
i dont think we have same values- i dont even think i am what he is looking for - were he to be looking for relationship - which he isn't- do i like that he doens't want relatioship? am i avoiding relationships with him- i get th hooking up and company without asking too much of me. is that what i want? are we just lonely? am i being impatient?
do i own my values? do i think that other people have it right?
inhibitions
why do i care if someone is smart?

photography- i should pick that up again

I'm back

In more ways than one. I didn't realize how much I missed blogging and how it helps me clear my head- often when I don't think I have that much to say or I don't have time to blog it is when I probably should be doing it more.
So my stats exam went OK. I didn't study nearly as much as I should have but since it was an open book exam I just looked up all the answers- in fact the prof let me use my computer since I take notes on it, I could have just googled all the answers- but I didn't. The second half of the exam is on Thursday. I should study a bit more for that.
I feel calmer and more like me in the best way. I just spoke to Erin and made plans to hang out with her tomorrow- it was good to remember how much I like my siblings (she called to check how my exam went) and I spoke to Joan, Lois and Lilah on my way home. Speaking to them helped me access all the positive aspects of my encounter with Arnie. I had a lot of fun with him while it lasted. I enjoyed hanging out with him and hooking up with him (and I think it helped me feel more comfortable with my body- always a good thing). I think I was just upset about being rejected such as it was- I like him as a person and I was comfortable with him and I guess I wasn't ready for that to end even though I knew we never had a future- I wonder if that was part of the appeal for me- I could get comfortable with him because I knew he was leaving in a couple of weeks. I am not sure. Stella tells me that I am busting out- I remember when a friend of mine in 8th grade told me that everyone rebels sooner or later, she was just doing it sooner. I think this was good for me- it was fun and I enjoyed myself. It was fairly uncomplicated. I think we might have confused things a bit too much last night when we hung out and didn't really hook up. Maybe I am just not ready to give up the easy access to action. It was fun to explore that side a bit more and I guess I thought I would have more time to do that, more time to try other stuff. It's nice to have a chest where your head belongs - if even for a night. Part of me feels like I have been acting like a 15 year old boy who thinks he just invented sex. Pacey has been in touch with me and I suppose I could go back there if I am so inclined. Maybe I should think about hooking up with someone that I want to date. Speaking of dates- I just got back from my date with Bernard. I am not sure how I feel about it- I would see him again if he wanted to, which is probably all I have to know right now. If I am harboring any illusions about swimming tomorrow morning I have to go to sleep now.

Clearing my head before Stats

I really should be reviewing stats now but I am having a hard time focusing so I am going to try to clear my head for a minute and then try to focus.
Arnie "dumped" me today- I knew he was leaving town on Sunday and that we wouldn't be keeping in touch but I think I thought we would be seeing each other until then. I liked having someone to sleep next to and staying at his apt near the ocean and I really do think well of him (I don't think I would have spent any time with him if I hadn't). He basically told me that he doesn't want us to get any closer than we are - I know he is right but I still feel kind of rejected. I'll admit it I cried for a couple of minutes and then went to the bathroom and washed my face. I am actually feeling better already. Lois told me that I am not a player and I'm not the type to be able to hook up without getting emotionally involved in some way- I suppose she is right. All in all, it was a good experience and I am happy that I met him and hung out with him for a bit. It's refreshing for me b/c I think I honestly wish him well- once when we were hooking up he said "Zoe, I hope life works out for you." and I responded in kind. It's true. I do hope life works out for him.
I could have done without feeling dumped or rejected but by this time next week it wouldn't have mattered- either way it would have been over. And this way I can go on my date with Bernard without Arnie on my radar. I didn't think he was going to be on my radar anyway but I may have screwed it up somehow if I thought I was hooking up with Arnie the next day. (although I thought it was safe because Bernard is going out of town (and out of communication- for a review course)tomorrow morning and won't be back until Arnie is gone.) It may not matter as I am not sure if either Bernard or I will be interested after this date but on paper we seem pretty well matched.
I think i should be ready to date a contender. I think I know who I am and what i want- I hope so. I think I like my life and the people in it and I think I like myself.
I know this is going to be a rough couple of months in grad school and applying to schools won't be fun but I am really excited about my work at Sinai (I am going to start interviewing patients about their abuse historys soon)and excited about rape advocacy program. I think I get scared sometimes and unsure but this is what I want. I worked hard to get this far and I am going to continue to work hard. Arnie might have also been a (pleasurable) diversion from my mounting courseload.
Ok I think I can get back to work- more later

Promises Kept

Emotional Landscape- pretty serene. Which is kind of odd considering how anxious I was yesterday. I don't know what was going on- it might have been school stuff as I hadn't realized that I have a history exam next Tuesday and I am completely unprepared for my stats exams this week (I am not that worried about stats as it is an open book test and if you don't do well on the first exam the second exam counts twice (as long as you do better on that exam- really you can bomb the class, ace the final and walk away with an A- obviously bombing the class and acing the final seems to be a risky proposition but as he doens't really teach the material, you have to teach it to yourself and that can be done at any point in the semester). I am not sure that the academics were really the source of my anxiety. I was having a really good morning - woke up early, got my coffee, took notes in class, met Carrie for breakfast, ran a subject in the lab and then when the subject left I started getting really anxious. It felt like my stomach was eating away at itself (I tried to calm it down with baked pita chips). I thought that I should go to the gym and get studying done so that I might relieve some of the anxiety. I ended up playing with my James, hanging out with my family and then walking on the beach with Arnie. I tried to get some studying done at Arnie's last night (was moderately sucessful- would probably have been more successful had I not been so tired- may have been tired from staying up with him until 1 am on sunday night and waking up at 6:30 on Monday). I slept over at his apt - which was nice and innocent. I am feeling a lot more relaxed this morning- of course Neuroanatomy starts in 10 minutes so that is bound to change. I have a date with Bernard tonight- we'll see how that goes.
more later

I will check in more frequently, I will check in more frequently, I will check in more frequently

I don't mean to check in weekly, I write myself notes on stickies on my desktop (i love my mac!!) everyday and then I haven't been getting around to actually fleshing out my thoughts. So I am going to try to check in more often even if the thoughts are always that developed.
Highlights - Lost 5.5 pounds!!!
more to come... class is starting- 8 am Monday morning- there should be a law...

Catching up

So first I just want to get some "paperwork" out of the way
Food intake since last noted (as best as I can remember) - no exercise and intermittent vitamin intake
Thursday- Coffee, dried mango, coffee, salad with tuna, walnut bar, white wine, bit of funnel cake, mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuit and gravy, half a hamburger with bun, 2 long island iced teas, one cosmo, 1.5 dead poets, popcorn
Friday- eggs with onions, larabar, coffee, fruit juice, lots of challah at dinner, shot of cutty sark, asparagus, salad, 1/2 cup ice cream and some entenmann's chocolate cake
Sat- challah, cholent (lots), cauliflower, apple crisp, bite of babka then ate lots of junk-candy, peanut m and ms, popcorn, pretzels and chips and salsa at Harry and Sally's party- also had 3 sex on the beachs, early morning (6 am) had baguette with butter and cinnamon cafe mocha
Sunday- spinach-artichoke dip and chips, mushroom ravioli, focaccia (shared all with sarah), one meat taco and taco salad
This morning- dried mango and coffee- going to meet Carrie for lunch shortly.
Need to rein it in as I want the skirt I bought for Rosh Hashanah to fit well.

The Good News- Charity event had 650 attendees and raised over $95,000
-Met cute young guy (we'll call him Arnie as I finally remembering to institute the hurricane nomenclature system for guys) at Harry and Sally's party- not a contender but sweet, nice guy who I hooked up with on Sat night. It's a little hard to sleep with someone in twin bed but it worked out OK. He kept telling me how cute and pretty and sexy I was. He is really just nice and smart and he seemed into me. He said he would call - he hasn't yet but either way it was a fun experience and it made me feel desirable. I suppose it could have made me feel like a slut but it didn't and our hook up was fairly innocent.
- Spoke to Bernard on the phone last night- I think we are going out on Wednesday. It seems promising. We seem to have similar interests and he seems nice and smart and he thinks I am smart and confident (we'll see if I can maintain that illusion- just kidding)
- Finally went shopping for clothes for Rosh Hashanah so my mom will stop freaking out that I have nothing to wear. Shopping was only mildly painful- I think it was because I got to spend the day with Sarah and we spent 3 hours driving and eating lunch and about one hour actually shopping.

The not so good news
- Did close to no studying over the weekend. I dont' think half a chapter of history while falling asleep counts. I am going to try to get reading done on the beach this afternoon

Yay just Yay!

I got way too little sleep last night but i am too pumped to go back to sleep- or to study. All kinds of good news. I got a ten out of ten on my neurophysiology presentation. The only feedback he gave me was well-done. Things at the lab went great yesterday and the charity event was a HUGE success. I looked really good and had an AMAZING time, I was totally in my element. I introduced myself to people and was friendly and introduced people to each other. It was just great. The jeans and shoes worked (even if my feet killed- totally worth it) and then I had after party with Simon, Juliet and Seymour. I got drunk for the first time last night. It was fun- I am a fun drunk and it made me remember how I am fundamentally a fun, laid back person. I did try to hook up with Simon, I even took a cab back uptown and rang his doorbell- I guess I should feel bad about that (he didn't answer) but I don't. I am not hungover and I am mostly sober and I would still hook up with him. He thinks it would be too weird which is understandable since we are good friends and i did hook up (repeatedly) with his best friend - i totally made the wrong call back in January and I knew it the same week- but it was too late, I didn't want to be the girl who worked her way through their crew.

Goal of the day (for tomorrow)

Feel cute and sexy at charity event. I bought stilleto sandals and nice jeans with rhinestones on butt and got pedicure- tomorrow i have hair cut (scheduled my pre holiday haircut strategically) and hopefully it will all work and I will feel good about the way I look. Hopefully I will feel good about who I am.
New set up on the horizon- dont' know that much about him but what I do know sounds promising.
Food - coffee, eggs, carrots and broccoli dip, walnut-date bar, caulifower souffle and carrots and olive dip
Got a lot of lab work done today but No studying. I need to get some work done over the weekend.

I guess T2GT was right

http://health.msn.com/dietfitness/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100142231
I am waiting for it to start working for me- maybe I'm not quite kind enough to myself yet.
How do I accept myself the way I am- for more than three minutes at at time?

Wake up Call

This morning in Neuro-anatomy I realized that I have a TON of work to do for school. I wasn't working because I didn't feel the pressure but today I realized that I amtaking 4 hard classes and I need to start working if I want to keep my head above water. Clearly this realization made me VERY anxious. I was suddenly overwhelmed and I didn't know where to start. I am still kind of anxious. I reviewed my neurophysiology notes this afternoon in between classes and I am supposed to be doing stats review now. I dont' have that much to do in the lab tomorrow so I hope to make some headway on stats and I need to start catching up on my reading.
I am feeling a little better now after exercising and eating (I think I may have had too many coffees today- 3 larges).
I think the key to getting through this semester will be moderation- I need to exercise enough to keep the anxiety at bay but I don't really have time for daily extended workouts, I need to make time to eat so that I make good food choices, I have to stay on top of my studying so that I dont' get overwhelmed and I need to make time for my friends and my social life but I need to do it on weekends. Mostly I need to learn to make good use of my time, I am not going to stop procrastinating - I don't think it is in me- but I can try to minimize it. I really need to make sure I am on top of my school work before I start training for the rape advocacy program in mid-October and before both Sinai and the lab pick up speed. I am going to leave applications aside for a few weeks.
I think I am getting stressed because I know that I need to get As- not just to satisfy my inner overacheiver but to get into a PhD program. I need to get As and perform at Sinai and the Brain lab.
I guess not having a boyfriend may have its advantages at this point in time. Time to buckle down and work hard.
Food intake- the aforementioned 3 coffees, walnut date bar, salad with tuna, onion soup, caesar salad and 3 doses of vitamins.
I should get to bed as it doesn't look like I am doing my stats homework and I have to wake up at 6:15 to swim with Aunt Karen.
At this point accumulating more drafts and doing very little fleshing out of the dieas- yesterdays was about neediness vs independence- if I ever get around to it, it might just be a good one.

I want you to want to take care of me

needy- i want to be needy sometimes. I guess it can be the only way I know I am taken care of and cared for. I want to be strong and independent but sometimes I just want to stop being there and be taken care of for a bit. I guess I want people to want to take care of me but i dont' want to actually need to be taken care of. I guess sometimes you can't feel like people want to take care of you if they aren't actually taking care of you. But that requires needing care.
The sunday styles modern love column this week addressed this issue- your need can draw someone to you but what if you dont' need them?

Signing out on the day

checked- lunch with carrie, facial, made appts for hair cut and wax, dinner with casey, one chapter (almost) of neurophysiology, some therapy homework
unchecked - any stats or history reading, gym, date with aurora, finishing up drafts on blog
food- coffee, juice, salad with meat, string beans, beet salad, short ribs with cauliflower, sorbet and half a bottle of chianti- no vitamins (just took my night dose)

Trying to make the most of the day

I'm going to try to make this a productive day. I woke up at 7 and went to class this morning and I want to make the best use of my day. I could easily go home, sleep and watch TV for the rest of the day but I am going to try to catch up on stats work and history reading. I want to set specific goals that are achievable and defined. I am supposed to meet Carrie for lunch at 11:30 and I should get some work done before then. I am resisting impulse to reschedule her and go home. At least blogging is relatively porductive and I also have therapy homework to do that I have not done since it was assigned on Wednesday.
Best case scenario for day- One chapter of history, two chapters of stats, finish blog drafts from last month, gym (with or without sally), lunch with carrie, schedule facial, hair cut and wax- eyebrow and full leg/bikini (maybe one or two of them today), therapy homework- maybe coffee or movie with Aurora. Dinner with Casey and relatively early bedtime- i'll keep you posted on my progress.
I should also try to eat well- so far I had a large coffee this morning. I think I will have a naked juice now to hold me over until lunch at 11:30.

5 Minute Round-up

I am trying to get 7 hours of sleep tonight so I will make this brief- I keep going to bed instead of blogging (either b/c i was legitmately tired or disassociated or some other reason) so I am attempting to at least catch up a bit before I go to sleep.
The Good news- Swam a mile today, half of it without any breaks; didn't spend the day on my couch watching Oz and other TV but went to beach with James, Erin and my parents; Had a nice shabbat- Sarah was here and we hung out with downtown crew; numbers for Thursdays event look ok- i'm cautiously optimistic- Erin, Alex and Sophie are going to come to support me.

The Bad News- Cried in the car for about half of my drive to my parents,- not sure why I was/am feeling this way. Feeling kind of alone and in need of a hug- and perhaps a drink. I tried to make plans to see friends tonight but it didnt' really work out. I wanted a hug from Sophie but I feel like we dont' have that kind of relationship- we're close but we don't hug- we kiss hello and goodbye- I knew she would do it but I just couldnt bring myself to ask; Feeling fat but is probably (definitely) a result of eating way more than I should have Thursday night through this afternoon- haven't taken my vitamins in that period either; haven't been making much headway on fundraising for the eating disorder film and therefore can't move forward with the project- haven't really been making much of an effort to fundraise.

The mediocre news- hooked up with Pacey last night; weighed in at DVG in Wed- lost 3 pounds and 2 inches off my waist- he altered my vitamins a bit; Did some reading for my class tomorrow but not nearly enough; My presentation in Neurophysiology on Thursday was far from stellar.

Tomorrow- i'm going to class, hope to get a facial, maybe meet Aurora and I need to get some studying done. I'm meeting Casey for dinner/drinks/hug tomorrow night. Hope to blog and get reading done and exercise and feel better- I am not sure if I hate or love feeling vulnerable - I think I could make myself feel better but I also want someone else to make me feel better- I want someone else to care about me and I know that people do and I was tempted to be needy tonight but I both did and didn't want to do it. Wasn't really successful with Simon (were expectations too high? is that part of what is feeding this mood? )

Apparently I dont work well without pressure

Instead of getting a lot done on my presentation (on membrane potential and depression in rats) I exercised, tok a nap, hung out with Sophie and James and wasted time. I did read the article but I didn't make much progress - I am supposed to meet with my professor tomorrow (I gave myself this false deadline so I would be finsihed in advance) but apparently 4 pm tomorrow is not close enough to inspire me to really get working. I have my textbook at my apt and I plan on reading it tonight but first I have to get home. I am currently waiting for Erin so that I can drive her back to school on my way home. Stopping for coffee will probably be neccesary. I also have to get a decent night's sleep as I have a 3 hour neuro-anatomy lecture at 9 am.
I'm not sure why I didn't get anything done today. I'm not sure if it is basic procrastination or anxiety about actually doing the presentation and my concern if I can do it well.

Procrastination Central

Today is a beautiful day and I wish I could take advantage of it. Had I done work yesterday I could have gone to the beach on this glorious beach day but I spent the day driving to Deal to go to a BBQ that wasn't particularly fun (I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't my crowd or because I was tired or it wasn't worth the drive). I didn't want to go but I thought that I would have fun if I went and it would be better than just hanging out at my parent's house with my sisters. I thougth that going was the better thing for me to do because it was more active and less lazy. Also I was reaching the threshold of parent time. My mom was getting on me about buying clothes for the holidays and telling me that the outfit I wore to the day before was tight.
For some unknown reason I did come back home last night and i exercised last night and woke up early-ish to swim this morning (swam a mile!!!). I should be set to get work done, I got a good night's sleep, I have exercised and I have a presentation due on Thursday as well as Stats homework for tomorrow night.
I have to go sit down and read the article I am presenting.
Good news- I have exercised daily for the past week, I have been keeping my diet (well except Sat- which was a disaster- particeluarly sat night and the icing incident)
Bad News- I feel fat and bloated (I am hoping it is PMS, I think it might be because I have been dreaming about food- particularly cookie dough and ice cream- I have been eating it in my dreams- weird. I also have yelled at a friend of mine to face the fact that this girl in his life just doesn't love him enough and he should let her go. That may be PMS or it may be friends' drama induced exhaustion.)

The "est"

For some reason we all want to be the "est" -the prettiest girl in the room or the smartest or cleverest or some "est" - like we need to be the best at something to have some kind of identity. What is that about? Are we all like that? Why isn't it enough to just be?

First Day of school

Quick rundown- neurophysiology was interesting and I volunteered to do the article presentation next week. I started reading the article and it looks good. I was excited that I was able to take notes on my laptop.
Got in a workout and swim (as well as some lab work) in between classes
stats was painfully boring and not very edifying.
more tomorrow- eyes are closing on me