The Arnie update
I don't know how I feel. I think I am OK. I feel a little bit empty but I know that it will pass. I made my choice- I went to see ARnie again knowing that we weren't going to have a relationship and I don't even think I want one with him. Sometimes being with him is great and sometimes it just isn't. I am not sure what the appeal is and sometimes when I am with him I really don't care if he stays or goes but then when he goes I feel sad. This is so weird and in some ways it is so real. I honestly don't get it. He told me that he likes tha tI just feel my emotions and I don't try to manipulate them- (this is when I was crying in his arms about us) and that I did everything right- he is the one with intimacy issues. I dont' think he has intimacy issues, I think he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. It seems like they couldn't make it work and she is all he wants and he is just doing everything else to stop missing her. I feel really warmly and protective towards him. I am not sure what it is. I don't want him to be mine long-term but I want to take care of him.
He asked me what makes me pained about the world and when he answered he told me that when we are kids we can just get a hug when we need it but as adults we have to jump through hoops to get someone to hold us. I kind of want to be there to hold him whenever he needs it.
This was such an odd experience. I think I did what I wanted. And I think I am happy about it. I told him that when all was said and done, I wouldn't have any regrets. It's weird to let someone in without any expectations of a future or a relationship. He was really sweet and didn't want to hurt me and was concerned that he would leave and I would e-mail him and he wouldn't respond or he would be in NY for the weekend and he wouldn't call me and I would be hurt. I told him that I fully expected that he would leave and I would never hear from him again- my intention was to delete his e-mail and his phone number so as to remove temptation- I know he doesn't want to hear from him and I am not sure that continuing contact would be good for me anyway. I think that it might ruin what we had- it was what it was and no more. I know it is weird and I dont' understand it but it was just this place out of my life and now I am going back to my life and I get to take anything I gained from it back into my life with me. I sort of see it as this beautiful, odd gift. He told me that he is sorry that he hurt me- and I told him it was OK and he said it hurt him too. And he was right, every time we spend time together we do get closer and he was wrong because the time we spent together also demonstrated to me how transient this thing was. I guess it is good to know that I can connect with someone and feel close to someone. We were talking about being in love and I was saying that I thought I was in love twice- Kermit and Caleb but I don't think that I was in love. I dont' think I loved myself enough then to love anyone else really. I think I do love myself enough now, I think I am not sorry about how I acted or anything I said. I think I like who I am and I am mostly confident that other people will see me and like it too. I know I wasn't alone in my whatever with Arnie- he connected to me too. And connecting with someone has intrinsic value. I am happy that I did it.
And now it's over and it's time to let go and let him move on and get back to my life. Get back to my family, friends, school (although I did study while I was with him the past 36 hours), dating, responsibilities. And I'm not sorry.
I will have to see him again as he has my car for the weekend so he can pack up but I think it will just be a quick exchange. I think our time together is over whether or not I am ready. Maybe we will spend a little more time together before he leaves but i have to expect that we won't. I thought he was leaving on Sunday so he would be gone tomorrow. He says he is leaving on Tuesday so I will have to get my keys back on monday night or tuesday morning but that is just a detail.
And reader, I didn't sleep with him.
I just listened to all the voicemails I ignored while I was with Arnie. And that is what made me cry- I got a really sweet message from Bernard, a concerned message from Lilah, messages from my mom and Sophie and one from this random guy I went out with once in the beginning of the summer. It's time to get back to my life and to the people who love me. I have to call my mom and Sophie back and explain my short dissappearance. I wasn't totally irresponsible, I did talk to Lois and explain that I was coming a day late to Baltimore and I spoke to Holden for the same reason.
I should go get some studying done before my train to Baltimore. I am also going to meet Dani for lunch. Just spend sometime with a friend to break up spending the day alone. I could always go to Jesse's for lunch but I was supposed to be in Baltimore already and I'm not sure I am in the mood for Shabbat lunch- even though I love it and I love my friends down here and I know that I am always welcome but I know I will get some of that kind of experience tonight and the rest of the weekend in Baltimore. I am really lucky and blessed.
I doubt myself and my values and beliefs all the time and sometimes I don't know who I am but I think I have figured out a way to function well most of the time.
He asked me what makes me pained about the world and when he answered he told me that when we are kids we can just get a hug when we need it but as adults we have to jump through hoops to get someone to hold us. I kind of want to be there to hold him whenever he needs it.
This was such an odd experience. I think I did what I wanted. And I think I am happy about it. I told him that when all was said and done, I wouldn't have any regrets. It's weird to let someone in without any expectations of a future or a relationship. He was really sweet and didn't want to hurt me and was concerned that he would leave and I would e-mail him and he wouldn't respond or he would be in NY for the weekend and he wouldn't call me and I would be hurt. I told him that I fully expected that he would leave and I would never hear from him again- my intention was to delete his e-mail and his phone number so as to remove temptation- I know he doesn't want to hear from him and I am not sure that continuing contact would be good for me anyway. I think that it might ruin what we had- it was what it was and no more. I know it is weird and I dont' understand it but it was just this place out of my life and now I am going back to my life and I get to take anything I gained from it back into my life with me. I sort of see it as this beautiful, odd gift. He told me that he is sorry that he hurt me- and I told him it was OK and he said it hurt him too. And he was right, every time we spend time together we do get closer and he was wrong because the time we spent together also demonstrated to me how transient this thing was. I guess it is good to know that I can connect with someone and feel close to someone. We were talking about being in love and I was saying that I thought I was in love twice- Kermit and Caleb but I don't think that I was in love. I dont' think I loved myself enough then to love anyone else really. I think I do love myself enough now, I think I am not sorry about how I acted or anything I said. I think I like who I am and I am mostly confident that other people will see me and like it too. I know I wasn't alone in my whatever with Arnie- he connected to me too. And connecting with someone has intrinsic value. I am happy that I did it.
And now it's over and it's time to let go and let him move on and get back to my life. Get back to my family, friends, school (although I did study while I was with him the past 36 hours), dating, responsibilities. And I'm not sorry.
I will have to see him again as he has my car for the weekend so he can pack up but I think it will just be a quick exchange. I think our time together is over whether or not I am ready. Maybe we will spend a little more time together before he leaves but i have to expect that we won't. I thought he was leaving on Sunday so he would be gone tomorrow. He says he is leaving on Tuesday so I will have to get my keys back on monday night or tuesday morning but that is just a detail.
And reader, I didn't sleep with him.
I just listened to all the voicemails I ignored while I was with Arnie. And that is what made me cry- I got a really sweet message from Bernard, a concerned message from Lilah, messages from my mom and Sophie and one from this random guy I went out with once in the beginning of the summer. It's time to get back to my life and to the people who love me. I have to call my mom and Sophie back and explain my short dissappearance. I wasn't totally irresponsible, I did talk to Lois and explain that I was coming a day late to Baltimore and I spoke to Holden for the same reason.
I should go get some studying done before my train to Baltimore. I am also going to meet Dani for lunch. Just spend sometime with a friend to break up spending the day alone. I could always go to Jesse's for lunch but I was supposed to be in Baltimore already and I'm not sure I am in the mood for Shabbat lunch- even though I love it and I love my friends down here and I know that I am always welcome but I know I will get some of that kind of experience tonight and the rest of the weekend in Baltimore. I am really lucky and blessed.
I doubt myself and my values and beliefs all the time and sometimes I don't know who I am but I think I have figured out a way to function well most of the time.
posted by Zoe at 10:48 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home