i don't know what I am doing but I am pretty sure I am going to do it anyway

I found something to watch on TV so I didn't go over to Pacey's apt. And then I heard from Arnie, (I had alredy deleted his number from my phone but I recognized it anyway). He wants his lenses back and I had offered to lend him car for the weekend for his packing while I was out of town and he is taking me up on it. So I am going to his apt now to drop off my car and he is going to drive me back in the morning. I am happy to get another night at the beach. I think we aren't going to do anything but I am still going to wear cute underwear just in case. I guess I am that easy, if he wants to hook up I will. I am going to drive over (now my neck is feeling better- or at least better enough) and hopefully get some studying done and then go to sleep. I think I would still sleep with him even though he is leaving. the truth is I would delay going to Baltimore and spend a day in bed with him if he wanted to - i know that can't be a good idea and I am not going to offer it, I am not going to offer it, I am not going to offer it. Also how horrible would I feel if I was turned down. I am not going to come on to him tonight. I am going to go over, read my textbook, go to sleep and have him drive me back in the morning.
(While I have been typing this, Pacey IMed me and when I apologized for not coming over, he responded "WTVR")
I ate so much today that I feel kind of nauesous and really feel like the complete opposite of sexy.
This might make saying godbye harder or if might not- either way I am going to do it. I know it is a bad idea but I want to do it and I am going to do it. i hope it isn't wildly self-destructive. I think I am not doing anything that will jeopardize my life long term. I am still on top of schoolwork and i think I will do well this semester and I am keeping my friends and family and keeping up with my volunteer work. I think I am happy and I think this is OK.