Dating up a dust storm

So I never heard from RMDPHDS again, I guess I can rename him DWLI 3. Had a date last night with RTS which went about as well as expected. Today, I told someone that they could give my number to RCPAS (random cpa set up). We'll see how this one goes. I thought that lots of dating would make it less anxiety provoking and it does but it still hurts and makes me anxious when I like someone. The guys I dont' like keep me busy and keep me getting stars in the tourney. We will see how long the dating tear lasts. If it doesn't end byteh time classes start i may have to start being more selective because I will have a lot less time.

Disappointment

I suspended my jdate membership- it has never really worked for me and at this point, I am only using it to stalk RMDPHDS. I am having a great weekend with the girls. A bunch of us came to Chloe's parents for the weekend since they live right by the beach. We spent a few hours on the beach today and we spent a lot of time talking and eating (I ate WAY MORE than I should) and laughing. I am having a great time with them. The only cloud is that I didn't hear from RMDPHDS so I guess we are not going out tomorrow. I think I have to stop thinking that if someone asks me out on a second date they want to see me. I am fun and smart and I think someone will want to see me and want to spend time with me, someone else. Guys who don't want me are not worth chasing. No one is worth chasing. I want someone to want me and value me. I have a lot of friends who value me, I will find a guy who does as well. I have been having a really good time and I want to be able to have an untainted time at the beach tomorrow. Relax and read and hang out with the girls. Now I think it is time to get some sleep.

Girl's Weekend

Hanging out with the girls this weekend has been so much fun. Relaxing and rejuvenating. It is good to remember that I really love my friends and if I am friends with all these great people, I must be pretty great too.

Not much to report

Totally time for bed. It was time for bed an hour and a half ago. At least I can get some sleep over the weekend- going to Long Beach for Sarah's birthday weekend. I am really excited. Especially since I met Sarah for dinner tonight and it was so good to see her. She looks great, she looks happy and I am really happy about it.
Was a mostly good day, had a semi-productive breakfast meeting for ED project, went to the lab and it was good, I really think that I know a lot of the intricacies of the experiment and I feel like I own the information. I had another meeting this evening that also went pretty well and then I met Sarah. Spoke to RTS on the way home, he is nice but it doesn't seem promising- among other things, he thought I was 24 (the person who set us up didn't know how old I am). Spoke to Simon and my mom and attempted to touch base with Lilah. Had some anxiety about not hearing from RMDPHDS but I think that I am feeling better about it, I think I am calmer. I can still hear from him and even if I don't it's OK, he is not the last man on earth that I will think is worth seeing again. I was thinking today about how lucky I am, I have wonderful friends and I often do fun stuff and have a great time and I am interested in the work I am doing and it is helping me achieve a goal, my parents are able and willing to support me and I love my siblings even if I don't share their values. It's hard to see them disregard my input on certain matters because the know we have different values but I see that they don't love me any less and while it may hurt to see Holden turn to Sophie (he is my boy!!!) I know that I can't have it both ways. I can't expect them to respect the fact that I have my own values and expect them to seek my advice on matters that have any relationship to religion. I am a good person and I do good things and I am starting to remember that I have faith in myself. I can be happy and productive and one day meet someone who is crazy about me, someone I am crazy about too. Until then I can have fun with my friends and pursue my goals. I invited all the girls I like to a girls' night out on August 14th at 9 pm at Bowlmor so that they can meet each other. I feel blessed to know so many great women and I think they should know each other. I really do love my friends and think they are wonderful people and I think they should all meet, a lot of them would like each other and it's always nice to meet more nice people. It is a networking opportunity for Jewish Communal work and for professional stuff and dating and Sabbath meals and also just a nice way to expand your social circle. We'll see if people respond, although it doesn't really matter because I felt good doing it. I also invited some girls that I think really want to meet new people. Maybe this is just another way to try to feel good about myself, or to feel popular or well connected- but I think it isn't about that. If it were about that I would care who showed up and if it looked like I had a lot of friends or who likes me enough to come (basically how I felt about my housewarming party) but I don't' think that I care about that this time. I think I am happy to do it even if only 2 of us are there. Maybe my motivation was off for inviting the people that I thought might get insulted if thy heard about it (perhaps I am flattering myself) or for inviting the people that I thought would appreciate it and want to meet people even if I am not particularly interested in hanging out with them.
Ok now I really have to get to sleep as I still have to wash up and take my vitamins and we are running a subject in the lab tomorrow.

Oh the anxiety!

Not sure why I am feeling vaguely anxious. I went swimming with Karen this morning, had breakfast with Holden and then visited my James on my way to school. I got a lot done in the lab, I revised my survey for Sinai, based on yesterday's meeting, I took care of other community stuff - so it was productive. But I feel anxious, I am not sure if it is because I flushed my cell down the toilet, when it first happened, I was kind of relieved, it gave me some space to be inaccessible for a while. I can call in for messages- do I think I am missing some urgent text? Maybe it is because, i feel like I procrastinated today and probably could have gotten more done and I didn't finish readiong this thesis on eating disorders that I have to return tonight. Maybe it is because I haven't had anything to eat in over 4 hours and my blood sugar is low. Maybe it is because I told this girl she could give my number to this guy and I don't know much about him and what I know isn't all that promising - although maybe it should be - she told me he is fun to talk to and friendly and an elementary school teacher whose kids love him- it is intellectual snobbery about the teaching? Or am I just anxious because RMDPHDS indicated that we would speak last night and we didn't and I haven't heard from him tonight either (even though we have a date set for sunday so there is plenty of time)and it's only 7:30- I may just be that crazy. I liked him but not this much. We had a nice time and he is a good, cute guy- who I am sort of scared to speak to again- wow, I really am that crazy.
Last night I started this book that I bought over a year ago- Women who think too much. I think it might be time to read it and it might be time to finish Evolution of Desire. OK time to go to pick up a new phone and go to dinner.

Why finish one of 4 existing drafts..

When you can just start a new post? It's been a good couple of days. I have mostly stuck to my diet, I went to the gym yesterday with Sally and will be swimming with my aunt Karen in the morning, I FINALLY scheduled an interview to volunteer for Mt Sinai's SAVI program (it's a rape advocacy program that is run through 6 Manhattan hospitals- If I am accepted, I have to train on Saturdays so if anyone knows anywhere I can stay near 98th and Madison for 5 consecutive Shabbatot in Oct-Nov, please let me know, I would rather not walk from Soho), got a really good facial and my skin is finally looking OK (not great, but I'll take OK), had lunch with Madeleine, had dinner and watched Deadwood with Juliet (after getting rainchecked by RMDPHDS - not a highlight of the day but we rescheduled for Sunday), had a productive meeting at Sinai, spoke to some people for the eating disorder project, saw Scanner Darkly with Aurora, had dinner with Grace, RLS1 stopped by to pick up my leftover gazpacho and we all hung out for a while (we also rainchecked seeing Once in a Lifetime- these guys' work is killing me), got some other community stuff out of the way and finally caught up with Sarah after her trip (we also made plans to see each other on Thursday- i'm super excited). I have just had a really good time with my friends the past couple of days and I have a full day scheduled at lab and have dinner plans with Stella and our third roommate and I am looking forward to Sarah's birthday weekend. It's all good whether or not I end up seeing RMDPHDS- I almost prefer not to speak to him or see him - do I think it won't go well or am I scared of actually going through dating? I think I am so averse to the uncertainty that i would rather just know but do I not want to know if the answer is NO, do I just want to postpone the inevitable? Maybe I should be focusing on RLS1, he is really nice and cute and smart and he seems to think I am great and nice and funny. I don't want to feel like I am trying too hard or overthinking- i just want to be me, maybe that is why I almost dread seeing what happens on a second date with RMDPHDS, maybe i'm not sure i'll be me. I think I like me. As I told Grace tonight, I am learning to embrace my craziness, as Lilah told me, if I was normal she would be bored of me.

Mawwiage is what brings us together today

Drew was saying how he doesn't date because he doesn't want to get married and when I asked him why, he told me that I didn't want to get married either. And I was thinking about it- is he right? Do I want to get married, I think I do but do I really? I am not even sure I know what being married means- I want to belong to someone and have them belong to me- or at least I think I do. Am I scared? If so, of what? Do I even really want to be dating? I have to learn to tolerate the uncertainty that is inherent in dating, allow things to be slow and not be looking toward something that I am even not sure that I know what it is. Seriously, what do I want? I feel like I really don't know.

Let's talk about sex

I was talking to someone about my eating disorder project last week and we were talking about the fact that so many guys seem to have it wrong regarding what makes for a good sexual experience. A guy once told a friend of mine that since he will only sleep with one girl, he wants her to be gorgeous. I understand his thinking but I think it is a little misguided. If you are only going to sleep with one person (more on that later)than I would think you would want them to be a sexual goddess. I don't think being thin makes you a sexual goddess, I think being comfortable with your body and sexuality and having good technique makes you a sexual goddess. (anyone who would like to train to be a sexual goddess with me is welcome to join me for August 20th 8 pm class at babeland). Someone wise has pointed out that appetites are appetites and people with ravenous appetites are ravenous, people will extreme self control are controlled. Which isn't to say that you can't be thin and highly sexual or good in bed, I just mean that mean that many people who enjoy sensual experiences, like eating, enjoy sensual experiences, in general.
As I mentioned another quality that I think helps is being comfortable with your body so if you can't be comfortable with your body if you are overweight, then perhaps you should lose weight or get in shape. I personally think it is important to be in shape so that you feel well and you have a good amount of flexibility. However, if you don't feel comfortable in your own skin, often losing 10 or 20 pounds isn't going to make the difference, I think it is about feeling good and sending that vibe. My sister was telling me about this speech she was listening to about the power of vibes. I don't need to hear a speech, I have observed the power of vibes and confidence. I think if you are comfortable with yourself and feel good, you radiate that and if you gain 10 pounds and still think you are sexy and act like you are sexy people will believe it. People respond to confidence. So how do you get it if you don't have it? A couple of ideas- one is from Carrie- wear sexy underwear, it is your little secret (another more painful option along those lines is going Brazilian). Also I am looking for someone to check out www.theartofexoticdancing.com with me- they have classes that are all about feeling beautiful, regardless of what you look like. And I think we can help each other- If you feel good, you look good so often when someone asks us if they look fat in something before they go on a date, it may be better to tell me that they look great and this way they won't feel self-conscious. Make them believe that they look great, (regardless of your opinion on the outfit, as I think getting into a changing frenzy doesn't take you anywhere good) and then hopefully they will act like they look great and the guy will respond as if they do.
So, I never thought I would have pre-marital sex, I am just not that kind of girl. But now as I am approaching, I am starting to wonder, do I want to be the 30 year old virgin? What exactly am I saving myself for? Married friends have revealed the myth of the wedding night. Do I really think that the guy I marry will care if I have had sex with someone else? I thought I would care if my husband was sexually experienced and now I realize that I don't care. In fact, it might be better if he knows what he is doing. I think it will still be different if we are married. I guess that really begs the question about separating sex from emotion- are women capable? Am I capable? Will I start to think I have feelings for someone that I don't really care about? Will meaningless sex make me feel cheap? My experiences with Pacey are teaching me about separating emotions and sexual activity- is that a good thing?
When I was thinking about it later, I realized that I think RMDPHDS was hinting that he wanted to come up when he dropped me off. Madeleine said it was better that I didn't get it because it is best not to go there on a first date. Would I have asked him up if I realized that is what he was getting at? I do think it is better for your relationship to go slowly and earn milestones but can I do that? Why do I really think that slow builds a better relationship? Am I right? And if I am, I guess I hope I have the conviction to make that commitment to my future relationship. I'm not so good at this patience and ambiguity stuff but I guess I have to learn to be better at it.
Also I was thinking if I didn't hear from RMDPHDS again would I feel like an idiot if I invited him up or if I wasn't going to see him again would I have preferred to just get some?

Insecure by any other name

I can call it non game playing or confident or breezy or whatever I want but it doesn't change what it is. I choose not to believe in myself and I choose not to tolerate the uncertainty and then I do stupid things, the kind of things that can screw something up before it even starts.
i am better than this- live with uncertianty- i can hlep it- i made a choice and i made the wrong one- do i ever belive someone will like me enough- seomoene worthwhile? i don't want to fuck this up by being neurotic. what do i do? he is in his first month of residency in CT!!! be patient- and have confidence in myself
I made a commitment to myself when I stopped speaking to Caleb and I have to make the same commitment to myself again. I need to have faith in myself. I have to believe in myself.

We're only human

Tonight Drew called me and asked me to meet him for drinks, since he lives 45 minutes away, I figured if he wanted to drive in, I would meet him. As soon as I saw him I knew something was wrong. I wasn't exactly sure why he wanted to meet me as we aren't that close, our relationship is mostly professional (in a community context- i'm on the board and he is on staff). I thought he may have wanted to fool around but i had let him know last time that it wasn't a good idea (I assigned the blame to the professional relationship and not my disinterest). He finally got around to telling me what was going on- his ex-wife got engaged and he was upset that it affected him, he didn't think that it would or that it should and I tried telling him that it is natural to be affected in some way. We might not want it to bother us but it does- I guess I should remember that next time something like that happens to me.

What a difference a day makes

I made myself eggs this morning and went to the gym with Sally and saw Clerks II with Casey and then went to Columbus circle and the park with him and then went on a date with RMMS and then met Drew for drinks. Now I have to edit Will's paper for him that is due tomorrow (which he sent me today) and then go to sleep so I can rewrite my BPD survey tomorrow and go the gym with Sally and hopefully go out with RMDPHDS if he isn't too tired from overnight call. I'm not sure if I feel better because I stuck to my diet (eggs with veggies, water, coffee, fruit salad, date walnut bar, morrocan kebabs and veggies and then vodka juice drink, missed a vitmanin dose b/c of timing with waking up late and stuff) or because I went to the gym or because I saw a movie I wanted to see (Clerks II was filthy but hilarious- up to Kevin Smith standards, but still not as good as Chasing Amy) or because it turned out to be a beautiful day and I walked in the park or because I finally found the Jewish culture magazine Guilt and Pleasure (www.guiltandpleasure.com) that I have been looking for for over 6 months or because Casey bought me Bill Bryson's Short History of Nearly Everything or because I made plans for this week that I am excited about or because I had a good conversation with my mom (that was an unexpected highlight of the day) - I was catching up with her and told her about my horrible date with RMMS (out it this way, for the first time in my life, i went to the bathroom so that I could pass the waitress and ask her to bring the check) and we were discussing RMDPHDS and she said oh he must be really modern and I responded in the affirmative and then she said does he keep shabbat? and I was like MOM, what do you think? and she said, i'm just asking, you went to a non-kosher restaurant on your date and i assume he didn't wear a kippah there and I just dont know, she tehn averred that she doesn't care as it is my life and I can live it as i choose, she just wants me to be happy. She was happy that I had fun plans for the week and she also told me that I didn't have to help Sophie and Will with their cover letters and papers, that I wasn't the family Englidh tutor and I dont' have to try to make everyone happy all the time like she does. I told her that I am doubly blesssed because I try to make everyone happy like her and I am very self-critical like my dad. She realized that that must not be a fun way to live.
Other highlights/minor accomplishments of the day- When Casey and I were in Borders he told me that I could pick a book as they were offering 2 for 3, so he picked 2 and offered me the third. Clearly I never turn down an offer for a book. I was looking through the books and I was tempted to get The Plot Against America by Philip Roth because RMDPHDS had mentioned it on our date, I have been meaning to read it but I knew that I wouldn't have chosen it had he not mentioned it. So then I picked the Bil Bryson book that I have been meaning to buy for a long time.
Before I sign off I want to encourage people to post comments- not to respond to me or to comment on my life (which is always welcome) but to perhaps share a little bit of your own experiences, in a sense feel out the blogging experience, i've found it helpful, maybe you will too and you can give it a test run on my page. I would love to have guest bloggers.

Trying to get back on the wagon as it drives away

I took fruit with me to the movie tonight and I made a date to go to the gym with Sally in the morning. I may just have to throw out or give away all the leftoever baked goods. I am going to take my vitamins, wash up and go to bed. Tomorrow I will try to get work done, hit the gym, stick to my diet and have some fun with friends- we'll see how that goes.
Oh and Pirates- eh, as Harry said, nice visuals, terrible ending and the last hour or so is pretty boring but great special effects and costumes and I guess it was worth seeing on the big screen. I finally started In Cold Blood last night, so far so good- i will keep you posted

Cookies and Candy and Chips OH MY!

I was doing so well, until I had a few cookies last night for dessert and then cookies for breakfast and then candy and cookies in the afternoon and chips and salsa when Alyssa came over. So much junk!!! I only took one dose of vitamins today and one dose yesterday. And I feel nauseous from the junk food. Joan had asked me this week about my weakness and I responded that it was ice cream but I think my weakness is emotional turmoil. Yesterday after I blogged, I took a nap and I felt much better. I had a great time with my company and I stuck to my diet at dinner and then I just started eating dessert, I had a few cookies and some cherries. This morning I woke up and I thought Ok, that was a lapse but then I picked up the paper and had cookies with my New York Times Magazine. I had lunch at Jesse and I started out with salad and meat and then also had stuff I shouldn't have so then I moved to the couch and stayed there through dessert but then I took two rugalach with me when I walked out. I came home and resisted the cookies and had some candy (twizller twerps- so good) and then when Alyssa came I had chips and salsa (which are both verbotten) and a cookie and some cherries and then when she left I finished the twerps and had 3 or 4 cookies. At that point, I started feeling pretty sick. So now it's back to the diet and vitamins. I was lying in bed last night and this morning and I felt my fat and I thought that it would keep me from eating but it didn't. Trying to hydrate myself now.
I had a nice time hanging out with my friends over the weekend and figured that I didn't need to hear from RMDPHDS, that i had a full social life and this dating thing would work out. And then i typical Zoe fashion, I started think that I could contact him, it wouldn't have to be desperate, it could be confident- it could be me not playing games, knowing he wants to see me again and making it happen. Alyssa told me that I may want to call but I know that I shouldn't. When I want to do things like this, I think about if i would be willing to tell people, if I wouldn't tell Lilah or Sophie about it, I probably shouldn't be doing it. But in the end I did, I didn't have plans for tonight so I texted RMDPHDS and asked him if he was feeling spontaneous, I wasn't sure I was going to hear back from him but I guess I thought I had nothing to lose. He responded "Always" and then I asked how soon he could be here- he called me and told me that he had to be in the hospital at 6 am but we set up a date for Monday, it was the only night he wasn't on call or working early the next morning, so I called RMMS to reschedule from Monday to another day this week. In other social calendar news, I was IMing with Simon, who asked me if i was going to Pacey's housewarming party, which I told him I wasn't invited to (I had been IMing iwth Pacey, thursday and friday and we made tentative plans to "hang out" on Sunday, Anyway I jsut got a text from Pacey that it was an oversight and I am invited. so not going to that. I left a message for RLS1 to see if he wanted to see Once in A LIfetime with me, as we were supposed to see it on our date and I dont' have anyone else who wants to see it with me. (we have already been in contact as I wanted to set him up with someone)- we'll see if I hear back from him. I have to go now to get dressed to meet Jesse to see Pirates of the Caribbean - Harry and RMDPHDS said that the visual effects were great and I couldn't find anyone to see the movies I wanted to see. Feeling pretty good now= strong and social and just good.

Time for some brutal honesty

I feel really anxious about hurting Rianna. I hurt someone and I think I should feel bad about it and I hate feeling like I am in the wrong and I want to look like the good guy. I think I am more concerned about me and how this looks than about her. Why did I send her my blog when I had written about her? I say it was to help her, to show her that other people are struggling as they try to grow up- is that true? Am I oversharing the blog? Did I share it to show off, bare my progress in some way? Am I sending it to too many people and therefore censoring myself more than I should? I can't write about people who read the blog in the same way that I write about people who don't. I am not sure if the blog is supposed to represent reality or just the truth as it seems to me at that moment- maybe it is supposed to help me reconcile the two. If I am lying to myself, how does sharing that lie and calling it full disclosure and honesty help me? Am I epecting too much from a plastic keyboard and a patch in cyberspace?
Do I care about hurting someone or do I care about looking bad?
I wrote her an e-mail to apologize and as Lilah suggested, I tried to strike the right balance without becomign defensive or groveling, I don't know if I succeeded and I am not sure I had the proper motivation. How can I make someone feel like they aren't special and then be concerned with how it makes me look or what the potential repurcussions might be. As I was writing to her, I realized part of it was really honest- I talk to my parents about my friends and their lives so I have something to talk to them about. I dont' talk to them about me and my life andmy parents aren't interested in what is going on with my friends.
I was going to take a nap before people came for dinner but I am not sure I want to face the quiet time and the thinking.
My phone call with RMMS didn't go that well because I wasn't into it. I was boring and only half there. I am not really interested in him - i'm not sure why- maybe because he lives with his mom or maybe because my aunt set it up and i am far from confident that she knows me or maybe because I think his job sounds boring. I am not sure, perhaps the problem is that my aunt kept telling me how nice he is and although I think I want a nice guy (see what women want) I dont' really. Do I want someone who will treat me well or someone that looks good because they are funny and accomplished. I guess it mgiht be OK to want both, but do I? I hate that RMDPHS didn't call and I hate that i am preoccupied about it. Of course part of me is tempted to be breezy, cool girl and call him and ask him out but that part is a lot smaller than it would have been in the past(could it be pride? or just finally realizing that if a guy doesn't like you enough to call back then he doesn't really want to see you and nothing productive will come of the date?) As time passes without him calling, is my interest growing. Is he summoning Electra? I know he is not that great, he is cute and smart and funny and ambitious and I guess I liked that we went to Aquagrill and that I felt like I staked my claim (see Staking my claim) but it wasn't a great date. It was an OK date and I didn't feel like he brought out my most fun self but I thought that was good. I thought it was natural and normal and that moving slowly might be right for me. But I can't move slowly, I have to build him up in my mind. In some ways he reminds me of DWLI 1 and 2 and part of me wonders if they are out of my league in some way and part of me wonders if the problem is that I like them for the wrong reasons and part of me thinks this is exactly who I should be going for and this is who I have been working on myself to be with (among other motivations for personal growth). Maybe i'm kidding myself that I am ready to grow up or tht I am growing up. As much I might not want to, maybe I should just lie down now and let myself think for a while- what am I so scared of finding out?
Maybe I am looking for all the wrong things and misvaluing things- I guess the real question is why?

What a day!

Today wasn't all that eventful, I am just riding an emotional roller coaster. I ran interviewed a subject on my own and made my own stimuli files, I am really mastering a lot of the skills for the lab and it is exciting. So I was proud of myself on that count and then I hurt someone who I didn't mean to hurt, which made me sick to my stomach for a good part of the day. I didn't hear from RMDPHDS, which was dissappointing and I spoke to RMMS, which was uneventful. I was driving home feeling kind of empty and I really wanted to eat. For the first time since I started my diet, I really wanted ice cream or cake and I parked in front of Once Upon a Tart and I wanted to go in and get a walnut apricot scone or something. Instead I had rye bread with walnut butter and sugar free blackberry preserves. I probably should have sat down with my mac instead of food but at least I ate permitted foods.

Just when I think I'm getting better...

I realize that I am kidding myself and I am not sure that things ever fundamentally change. Sure things look better and I feel good and stable but that always happens. I have good periods and I feel energized and in love with life and proud of myself and then it fades and I know I cant expect to live life on that plain but it still hurts when it is over and sometimes it feels like the littlest things can shift my equilibrium. And then I think about how nothing can shift my equilibirium unless I allow it to. I have great friends and I really like psychology and being in school (although I may not love all the nuts and bolts of research but no one loves every aspect of their work) and I like living in my 'hood and I like my community and I am progressing with my eating disorders project and have been doing fun things and spending time with my nephew and I don't know, i just feel tired. I stayed home tonight and turned down Jesse and Stella's invitations to go out and didnt' make it to the gym with Sally and I just cooked and ate dinner (still sticking to my diet) and watched TV and i just feel kind of tired and empty and I am not sure why- RMDPHDS (found him on Jdate and I have to say my profile is so much cuter than his- but I did see that he logged in tonight) didn't call and Holden and Will are both turning to Sophie to talk about their break-ups (such as they are) and it's jsut so yicky out - it that it? I dont' think that any of that should affect me in any dramatic fashion. Maybe i'm just tired.
I know that I am a good person and have a lot to offer the right person-am I ready to meet the right person? Do I have my priorities straight? I am not sure I know what I am looking for or what I should be looking for. Do I think I am ready to be with someone who is what I want- whatever that means.
Text flirting with Pacey is probably not a step in the right direction- but it's fun to feel flirty and cute and sexual. Even if I may not have any immediate plans about doing something about it.
Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. I have to return RMMS's call tomorrow and hopefully I will get myself to the gym and i will have fun with my company tomorrow night and I will KNOW and not just know that I derserve to have someone be exctied about me, someone that I can get excited about.

What women want

Last night Harry was saying that women don't' know what they want (of course he issued the obligatory disclaimer that he wasn't referring to me). He was saying that women say they want a nice guy and then always go for the guys who treat them poorly and complain that the nice guys are boring. What do I want? Do I want a nice guy or do I want someone exciting or do I only value guys that I feel like I had to work to get? Do I want someone that I have to convince to want me? Because then I can credit my power of persuasion or because I have never left the Groucho club at all? Or because I think that no one worthwhile will ever want me unless I make them want me somehow? Do I have any idea of what I want? Do I want all the wrong things? I want someone to spend time with me, but I don't want someone who has a lot of time to spend with me as I like guys with ambition and plans and interests and they often are busy. I am attracted to busy- is that because I want to feel like I have to earn their attention so it means something? Is that just summoning Electra? Or do I just like that busy guys have full lives? Someone once told Lilah that you dont' want a guy to be so into you right away b/c then he is a freak, he doesn't really know you and this might be his MO. Of course when someone is blown away (and who doesnt like blowing away) you love to think that it was you and you were so captivating and enchanting- but what if it is them? and they are so easily captivated or enchanted? Do I really want to be with a guy that gives up his life for me before he knows me?

Headlines

Song- Collide (i think its wishful thinking)
Food- one week down! Today I had eggs and melon for breakfast, apple chips with walnut butter, coffee, water, half a turkey and corned beef on rye, caesar salad, grilled chicken and lots of water and my vitamins- wasn't a perfect day as I was low on fruits and veggies but pretty good.
Recap- Brit in morning- another baby James, lab- we ran pilot subject and it went pretty well, I think I know what is going on and how everything works, meeting for upcoming fundraiser, shopping at sephora and urban outfitters, going to see "susan and god" at mint theater with Joan- we liked it but it's not for everyone. Met Harry and Sally for drinks
Today's lessons- I need to be more careful about my time management and I have to realize that I can't do everything, at least not at the same time. Optimistic scheduling adversely affects other people- I have good intentions and bad planning and as Joan says, it is preferable to the other way 'round but I need to stop making people wait or overscheduling myself. And I have to be honest with myself about what I am doing and why. I need to make sure I am not making things more complex and difficult than they need be. I need to evaluate myself accurately and be honest with myself about my intentions. It's true that I need to be kind to myself but I can't justify things to myself and I can't pretend that things are out of my hands when they are not or that because I don't care about something, it isn't important. I need to stop the self=congratulation (wanting to set people up is nice, but what are my motives- do I just want to feel like a good person or look like a good person?)
Can I be in this for the long haul?
Dating update- No word yet (i hope) from RMDPHDS but I got a message tonight from RMMS (Random middle management set up) on my voicemail.
Other noteworthy facts- Today is Lilah's birthday! Happy Birthday Sweetie, I wish I could spend it with you.

The Good, the bad and the ugly, Reprise (hey i'm not all that original but at least i try to steal from the best)

The Good- Day 6 of my diet and going strong, spoke with another person who has a lot of experience with eating disorders and she is really excited about my project and agreed to be interviewed on video.
The Bad- have barely exercised and not sleeping well. I can't find the number of one of the anorexia survivors who contacted me that I intended to meet with this week and I'm not sure how to find her. Keep forgetting to call this other survivor who emailed me her number and she jsut emailed me to ask me for my number (oops)
The Ugly- i keep obsessing about this girl that I know RMDPHDS set up went out with a few years ago. I went to school with her and I can't say that we were ever really friends and she is really thin and i know they went out for a while and I know that by thinking about her i am giving him some kind of power in my life that he didn't earn (that and checking out his publications on www.pubmed.com when I should be reading up on BPD) I was SO proud of myself yesterday b/c I felt like it had been natural and I had been gasp, emotionally healthy about it- Lilah even commended me on it. My aunt called about some guy and I wasn't all that excited but I called her back and told her to give him my number and I told this other girl she could give the guy she knew my number as well. I think this is my attempt not to put all my eggs in one basket - especially since I have had guys ask me out on a second date on the first date and then lose interest (see DWLI 1 & 2) - does that make me pessimistic or bitter? Sometimes (like yesterday) I think I am emotionally healthy and sometimes I think I am so far away from it that I wouldn't knwo emotional health if it beat me with a stick. Gotta love volatility.
joan tells me that I am not as messed up as i think I am and I choose to believe her. Although I did tell RMDPHDS last ngiht that all of us are crazy just in different ways (to which he replied- we are all fuckin' nuts) and that all my friends are neurotic but he said it is because we are all Jewish. Other props to Joan- she didnt' think that REGS was neccesarily about my Electra Complex (a guy is distant and I yell "daddy!" and run to try to get some attention and get pulled into that dynamic) she said I might just have been horny and y'know I think she's right.

Staking my claim

For quite a while now (on and off) I have been "eating out" dairy and I keep thinking that this isn't the way i am really going to live my life. So I keep it quiet and I don't really date guys who eat out. When I was talking to RMDPHDS he asked me where there was to eat in my area. So I answered that there was Village Crown and this vegan place and then I said if you eat out dairy, there are a lot of choices and then he asked me if I eat out dairy and I was a little hesitant but then I basicaly said yes and he told me and he asked me if there was any restaurant that I have been meaning to try. Lilah was surprised because she said that I wouldn't marry someone like that because of my family and I told her that I think I would, I hope that I would do what was right for me and not for them. I was pretty vague when my brother and sister asked me where I went to dinner on my date and I told them we went for fish in the neighborhood and I figured that they would interpret it on their own, when I gave my Dad that answer, he wanted a name and I told him that he wouldn't know it and then he asked again, so i lied, I told him scared chow- which is kosher but he probably wouldnt eat there. He said he never heard of it. So I guess I was only partially staking my claim.

Love Hurts

Loving people can hurt because their disappointments are your disappointments. Both Will and Holden got dumped this week. Will went out with this girl 3 times and had a great time and really liked her and she decided that even though she had a great time she isn't sure that he is outgoing enough for her and she was concerned by the few awkward pauses in conversation. Holden had prolonged drama with his best friend from high school and they finally went out on Sunday and she called him last night to tell him that had she been honest with herself she would have realized that they are never going to be anything more than friends. I hate seeing them hurt and it is just making me feel anxious and sick to my stomach. They both turned to Sophie and Alex and I guess on some level that bothers me but honestly I am also kind of relieved because I don't really have anything to offer them. I can't make them feel better. I spoke to Will today and I fed him all the platitudes and I know they don't' help (as Niles said on Frasier when in the history of time did the phrase it's her loss ever make anyone feel better- or something to that effect). I was feeling calm as I was driving home and now I am just a ball of nerves. And my parents aren't even home! Although my dad did call and we spoke for 2 minutes and then he spoke to Sophie for 20 minutes. And of course I am so paranoid that I overheard soem comment she made and immediately started thinking about how it could be about me (clearly I assumed some negative connotation).
I wish that I could make the people I love happy. I feel so powerless when faced with the despair of someone I love. My heart hurts. And in some ways I am so selfish because it is making me feel anxious about my dating life and about RMDPHDS. Maybe if I'm honest with myself I was feeling anxious about it before. I hate this unsettled feeling. For some reason I feel like I am outside myself looking in, evaluating myself and seeing how someone else might see me. It is a terrible feeling, I hate that I am not just feeling like me and living in the moment. I know I am lucky and I feel so blessed that I have such good friends and people who love me and I am happy to feel connected to people but for some reason now I just feel like I am at loose ends.
This afternoon, I had a productive meeting at Sinai and I was thinking about how right GT2 was about focusing on my career and schoolwork and how amazing it was that it had such an immediate effect. I guess like many immediate effects it was transient. Hopefully I will get my bearings back. I have been re-esatblishing my position in the lab and things at Sinai are moving along and I have plans to see Susan and G-d with Joan tomorrow night, followed by drinks with Joan and Bobby and maybe a few others. Just like good feelings pass, so do the bad ones. I think I will try to swim or exercise after dinner to see if I can give it a push out the door.

Smiles

Little joys- learned how to make stim files in the lab today. RMDPHDS fixed my lightbulb and brought me blueberry sorbet. My skin is getting better- finally. I passed on RLS 2 to Beth's cousin- maybe it will work. Started my survey for tomorrow. Shared appetizer and dessert with him and still managed to stick to my diet for the most part. Day 5 almost down! Programmed my nano= maybe i'll take it with me when I go walking/running with Joan. Made pm plans to go to gym with Sally as well. My James is coming back into town tomorrow morning. I feel like it is OK to be me, not ecstatic it just seems right and effortless for the moment and I am going to enjoy the moment because it is going to pass but I have it now.

Worth the wax

Don't get the wrong idea. The wax was not featured in any way. But it was a good date. The best part about it is that I think I was really just me. I think I wasn't trying too hard or attempting to make sure he knew something about me. It was relaxed and I think we both had a nice dinner. And it's nice that he asked me out at my door. As Lilah said I have to go out with him again soon so that I don't build this up into something it's not and then make myself crazy and ruin it. I am trying to enjoy it for what it is- a nice experience, a good dinner with someone who is smart and nice and cute. It is good to know that there are guys worth meeting out there. It wasn't amazing or intense- it was just natural and relaxed. Of course it would be nice if it turned into something but for now it was a nice evening. I want to try and live in the moment and not in my head. I don't want to think about him or analyze this or second guess my behavior or statements. I think I should go finish writing the survey for Sinai now so I am focusing on other things that matter to me, goals that are mine and mine alone. I'm happy in a muted appropriate way and don't it feel good.

Weekend in Review

I am tired and I really want to have a productive day tomorrow. Especially since I didn't get anything done today- other than going to the beach with Harry and Salley, almost finishing crossword puzzle with Harry and having dinner at Beth's house. Which were all good and fun but I didn't work on the survey or get any reading done and I didn't even swim as planned. Tomorrow I would love to get work done on the survey and finish up some of the blog posts that I have started last week but have not yet finished. The truth is that I am going into the lab tomorrow but I won't have more than a couple of hours of work to do so I should be able to do stuff for Sinai and still get out in time to get my legs waxed and hit the gym before my date. Trying not to get too excited about RMDPHDS (random -note the attempt to keep a mild level of disdain - md phd set up- in neurology no less- i can't fake neuroscience or fudge stuff i don't understand- i have learned a lot but i have forgotten a lot and there is TONS that I don't know. Getting excited is always the kiss of death for me, I get weird or feel self-conscious and the best me never gets to emerge. I am trying to feel cute and sexy and fun and smart- everything I felt about myself on my date with RLS 2- the guy I couldn't care less about who had a great time with me. I suppose this isn't much of a weekend review. Perhaps tomorrow when I am procrastinating from working on the survey. I know I can do, I have done it before and my efforts were well reviewed so I just have to stop being scared that I can't do this and sit down and do it. Once I start these things they are never that hard or scary.
4 Days Down on DVG Diet.
All right off to bed to attempt to finish crossword puzzle and to get to sleep at a reasonable time - although i suspect that ship may have sailed

ARG!!!

I finally blogged for the first time in days and I was in the middle of a really long post when AOL shut down. I have to remember not to connect via AOL when I want to get anything done. It is so frustrating. So we'll try again. I think that attempt may have to be made tomorrow as now I am exhuasted. Despite a 5 hour nap today but it is 3 in the morning and I did wake up early every morning this week (other than today) and it is past 3 am so I suppose I am entitled. I had a really busy productive week and I think it is great but I am just a bit tired from it. I have to remember that I dont' have to be out every night or busy all the time. I can just have downtime. Taking some downtime doesn't mean I am depressed or unproductive or anything else. Gotta remember that. It is nice to be busy and productive and to do fun stuff and hang out with people I like but I dont' need to do everything in the same week. I don't have to have 4 meetings, and 3 appointments, and see 2 shows and go on 3 dates and see a movie and hang out with friends and shop and cook for 12 people and go to the lab and actually get stuff done there. The truth is maybe i'm not that busy, maybe it's just poor time management. I want to see my friends and do fun stuff and get the movie going before the fall semester starts. I have a bunch of phone calls to make and meetings to schedule for the film and have some other stuff to do for event that Stella is chairing in September. I also have a full day in the lab Monday and Tuesday and have a meeting at Sinai on Tuesday for which I have to prepare. I am not superwoman, i dont' have to do it all and relinquishing the superwoman crown does not make me depressed, unproductive woman. Maybe the new diet (3 days down) is making me tired as I haven't yet adjusted. I will see what I do tomorrow- beach or work or whatever- now it's time to go to sleep- i'll try to make blogging part of my schedule tomorrow.

An alltime high

Ouch - I got on the scale at DVG's office today and it was U-G-L-Y. I officially reached my all time high of 187 and I'm not pregnant and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't even weigh that much if I were. His assistant took my blood pressure and body fat ratioand told me that he wouldn't be happy. But I told her that he would - because I came back and I am ready to do something about it. After that she told me I looked cute and I said I am cute and soon enough I'll be cute and thinner. So I got my diet plan and I bought my vitamins and I am going to try. I can eat a lot every day as long as it is a lot of fruit, vegetables and protein that are approved. I am going to try to continue looking cute and going to try to work on getting in better shape and being healthier. I want to feel better and have more energy - DVG says this will work and he said as I keep going I can add more foods and take away some of the vitamins. I hope I will stick it out until then. I hope that by my 30th birthday I can be a healthier me, as well as a me that is focused and moving ahead with her career (not that a me with a boyfriend would be bad but that isn't something I can control. Although I am trying to date more and give a try to any guy that someone suggests- if it's not for me, maybe I can set these guys up with other girls). I made an appointment to go back to be weighed and measured and to have a body composition taken (% water, % muscle and % fat) and I think I am going to try to hold off on weighing myself until then. I want to try to stick with the diet and see if I feel better and let the weight fall where it may (hopefully far from me) Viva la vitamin guy!

Its not revolutionary but it's true

I think what drew me to REGS was that he was so comfortable with himself. He was just relaxed. And I think that is what RMBS liked about me on Sunday. I was totally comfortable with myself. the song running through my head now is get it together. ("think its ???? that we can finally get it together"- dont' really know more words than that).
What gets me is that this random guy can shake my confidence in myself. Why am I ceding that kind of power to a man i dont' know. He shouldn't have any ability to affect my sense of myself-how do I get to that place? how do i stop giving away control of my self image?
Now I am really going to sleep
Quick rundown- no exercise
Iced mocha, 3 little cheddar chive scones, chocolate croissant, fruit salad, iced caramel machiatto, soy chips, water, mango, glass of wine, can of beer, water

Just a whiff of disinterest makes the panting start

What is wrong with me? I just came back from a date with REGS and he isn't really cute- dude is balding, has crows feet, unfortunate shoes and english teeth and is so skinny that I am pretty sure I weigh twice as much as he does and yet...I totally would have invited him up (stella is out of town) and had my way with him had I thought he would come up. And that is SO not protocol on Jewish set-ups and yet...I don't know if I really wanted to get to know him or date him but there was just something about him. He was perfectly nice but I think he was pretty disinterested. I looked cute and I was fun. As we were listening to the performers at the open mike night I kept trying to tell myself to be myself, relax and just let it be. See what happens. I wasn't anxious but I felt myself trying. Sunday with RMBS I was indifferent to him and that seemed to work. I tried to be indifferent to REGS but I couldn't help it I felt disappointed when he dropped me off after open mike night. I recalled how on Sunday I couldn't wait to get back home and I think that is how he felt tonight. i guess it serves me right- all the dates that I try to hurry so that i could go out with my friends after, that was me tonight. And I don't even know why I care. He is older than I would like and not educated and doesn't read but there is just something about him. I guess this is what they call chemistry and it doesn't neccesarily work both ways. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter because I am going out with RLS 1, who finally resurfaced after his trip, on Thursday and RMDPHDS is supposed to call sometime this week. Oh the joys of dating!
I guess what worries me is that it wasn't chemistry that drew me to REGS but his disinterest. Somehow that made Jack and DWLI 2 exciting? Am I that warped? And if so how do I stop? It is amazing how I can go from loving being me at 8 pm- I spoke to Joan and made plans to run with her on Friday morning, I spoke to someone who is invterviewing me for the radio about my eating disorder project, I was excited to be going to an event that I wanted to attend- to hating being me at 10. It is a volatile life that I lead. I hate being confused and feeling damaged and thinking that i won't allow myself to be happy. I won't allow myself to connect with the right guy. and I dont' know what to do about it. I dont' know how to make it better. I think I will try to get to bed early. I am just exhausted and it is only 10:30 but hopefully i'll actually get a good night's sleep.

It's all about the talismans

I am a big believer in what I call talismans. They are these facts or images that you hold on to that remind you why you shouldn't go back to someone. Although in most cases you would think that the fact that the person doesn't want you would be reason enough for someone with self-respect. When I finally stopped talking to Caleb what stopped me from calling him when I missed him was the fact that he told me he knew he would hear from me within the month. It was one of the best things he ever did for me. Anytime I missed him or was tempted to call I would remind myself about what he said and it would give me the strength not to call. I might even suspect that is why he did it if I thought that wasn't given him far too much credit. So I was thinking today about Jack, who by all rights I should have stopped thinking of long ago and I realized we had completely different values. So if I am tempted to think about what might have been or contacting him in any way (which I know that by all rights shouldn't be happening) I can "rub" the completely different values and remember that I am better off this way. I think I finally got my talisman for Stephen- he wasn't that nice, he took over a year to call the first time and then called an hour before he wanted to go out on Sunday when all we had arranged was sometime on Sunday and he stopped to talk to someone for 15 minutes on our date without including me in the conversation. Granted, all of these things should have annoyed me at the time but they didn't so now they finally do. All hail the talisman.

The Juicy(?) Bits

It's after 2 in the morning and I should really get to bed as I was up relatively early this morning and would like to get to the lab early tomorrow. However, my list of things to remember to mention is growing and i haven't been blogging so I will try to provide a brief update of more salient points with some of my trademark over-analysis and I will try to do better tomorrow.
I was talking to my dad on Sunday and I was telling him that Deidre broke up with her boyfriend (she called me crying on sat night to tell me how sad she was about it even though i haven't spoken to her in weeks and it was months prior to that, i think she may have expected me to run over and comfort her and a past version of me might have done that, driven by a motivation to play the savior or be the perfect friend or to get involved in someone else's drama. I didn't offer to come over or to meet her, i gave her a run-down of my weekend and offered to meet her during any of the gaps in my schedule should she so desire. YAY progress. I think I was compassionate and appropriate. If Sarah or Lilah or many others had called me like that I would have skipped Casey's party or made a brief apperance on my way over to their apt but Deidre and I dont' have that kind of relationship. I would never expect her to do that for me if the situation was reversed.In fact, I wouldn't even tell her for a while if I broke up with someone (ah, remember breaking up with someone, it was part of the whole dating and relationship thing- wow, that is a faint memory) because she is not someone I speak to often or confide in or particularly miss when we don't speak. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her when she is not a drama queen and her recent behavior suggests that her affliction is very much improved. Trying not to be den mom and therapist, trying to shift the dynamic in relationships that are all about the other person's problems. Walking away from the very attractive wise, amazing, advice giver friend role is tough. I am trying not to need it to validate me and i am also trying to acknowledge that relationships that are all about the other person are that way because I allow them to be so. i have to take responsibility for my role in my relationships rather than resenting the other)- So back to my dad, he didn't remember that Deidre ex isn't Jewish and when I mentioned it he said "wow, she must really hate her parents". It wasn't until I was swimming on Monday afternoon that I replayed that back in my head and realized how warped that is- choosing your own path and values is not neccesarily a rejection of your parents. I guess my dad still thinks thatI wear pants and dont' pray to punish him (or he might think it is due to laziness, he doesnt' attribute my motivation to conviction. I suppose that is why he thinks I'm not grateful that my parents are supporting me because if I were really grateful I would be more religious. My parents seriously think I am not religious and I think they believe that they accept it. They display this "acceptance" by acknowledging it in jokes. I was telling my mom today that I met this Jewish non-observant couple at the bar on my corner while I was watching the world cup. After the game I invited them to friday night dinner and my mom was laughing "oh, you're doing jewish outreach? you, miss religious". Actually I am not doing outreach, I just like them and want to hang out with them and think they would like the other jewish people who live downtown, I am not expecting them to fall in love with the beauty of shabbat and become observant. I don't care if they are observant. Which I guess is pretty weird since I am on the board of a national jewish youth outreach organization and a commissioner of the long island region. I like the identity and the community and I am more interested in the work they do with youth that bolsters their esteem and gives kids in public school a sense of jewish identity. I am less interested in their straight up outreach work.
Holden asked me today if I am speaking in the film I am producing on eating disorders. I told him that out of respect for my parents' wishes I am not. He wanted to know if it was because they dont' want anyone to know, they think the other people who are sharing their stories are courageous but they don't want me to be one of them. He seemed to think that if I were married, my parents would care less. I think that they don't even think I have a story to tell. I don't think they really believe it. I was never hospitalized and I avoided chronic health issues (unless you don't discount my tendency to throw up when I have drunken too much water- including before Yom Kippur, on the street in Jerusalem, right outside the president's residence- it was not a political statement). Holden asked me if they know, I told him they know but I don't think they really believe it and they never talk to me about it. Even when I went to see my internist to talk about not being able to swim without vomiting, my parents didn't acknowledge that this could be a consequence of the abuse I inflicted on my GI tract. I also told Holden that I am not sure what I would say. I don't feel like I have a story to tell. I guess I think that stories are supposed to be cohesive and have a theme and a plot and I am not sure I can speak about something that I dont' even know if I understand. I can't get up there and talk about how everyone in my family is naturally thin and that is why I have an eating disorder or my parents were overly critical regarding my diet and appearance and that is why I have an eating disorder. It just feels a lot more complex than some of the stories people tell. I'm not sure why this happened to me. I'm not sure why I did this to myself. Maybe once I feel like I have a grasp on it I will feel like i can speak about it. Perhaps as the film production progresses I will become ready to be filmed. I had two good meetings with potential interviewees today and they responded well to me and my ideas and I am reclaiming my belief in myself regarding this project and my knowledge of the disorders both of which have been fairly absent of late.
I have a date tomorrow night with REGS. I would like to go to a local open mike night. I hope he is amenable. I was really happy yesterday that I switched the plans for my date with RMBS and went to watch the world cup in the bar, I want to be able to incorporate dating into doing the things I want to do. I would hate to give up doing something that sounds fun to sit at starbucks for 2 hours. (it is only a real issue with limited edition events like tomorrow night and world cup- i am not going to just take guys with me to see a movie I want to see). I wore pants yesterday against matchmaker advice and I was casual and myself. I would love to be able to be myself with the contenders and not just with the non-contenders. If the contenders like me than they really like who I am and if they don't like me then it's not a good fit.

Food Log- feel free to skip as there is a distinct lack of juicy bits

Sat Night- Beer(at casey's birthday party), Espressotini(attempt to take advantage of relinquishing designated driver position for the evening), one slice cheese and 2 crackers (at 4 in the morning while doing sunday crossword with juliet- we finished it)
Sunday- strawberries, blueberries,sour cream and sugar (only ate half of it), coffee, alcoholic cider, long island iced tea, passion fruit iced tea with splenda, essentially a whole box of couscous, tortilla chips with guac and sour cream (considering that I was home alone from 6 until I went to sleep at 1 the consumption could have been much worse, of course i also could have gone to the gym regardless of sally's availability)
Monday- Grapefruit, water, Sugar free/fat free vanilla iced latte, caesar salad with feta cheese, 1/4 of choc chip muffin, whole wheat penne with broccoli cream sauce(i just had a little of my aunt's), mango, medium chocolate cookie dough shiver (only ate half), passion fruit iced tea with splenda, lots of chicken poppers, caesar salad, 1/2 corned beef wrap, 2 diet cokes, water, 3 chocolate chip cookies. I didn't eat anything while watching Gray's Anatomy with Harry, Sally, Juliet and Alan even though I was tempted b/c I realized I wasn't hungry so I had a glass of water instead (yay eating in response to hunger almost like a healthy person)
Exercise Sat-zip (unless you count short walk around soho), Sun- zip, Monday- 40 lap swim and 8 minutes on elliptical

Encapsulated weekend so far

Song- Flake by Jack Johnson
Food- Friday night- Challah, strawberry soup, deli roll, teriyaki chicken, sweet potato pie, broccoli kugel,noodle kugel, watermelon, babka, diet coke.
Sat- 4 chocolate chip cookies, mango, sesame pasta salad, merlot, vouvray, taco salad and a burrito
Small Victories- going out for a walk instead of spending the whole day in my apt, cleaning my apt,
Notes that I have scribbled this week (I may expound on any of these later)- 1-I've been thinking about Jack, not a lot but considering I met him for all of a week almost a year ago, I'm not sure why I have an impulse to get in touch with him. Jack was this guy that was so different from what I thought I wanted. His brother in law asked me to hang out with him while he was in town - had I not felt obligated to his bro-in-law, I never would have gone out with him. He wasn't really educated and he wasn't religious and he was short and balding and crude. But we just got along and I was really attracted to him. Our first date was 14 hours and our few kisses were amongst the best I have had. And then he went back to where he came from and I never heard from him again. And I never contacted him either, even when I went to his hometown- rare show of pride. however, I did just email his bro-in-law about a couple of things and asked for his e-mail address as well. I hope I won't use it. 2- I am the queen of spin, I feel like I am always managing my PR even when things are bad, I control the presentation of information. 3- I seem to have this aversion to average. Things have to be dramatic- i am feeling great or miserable. For a while I thought I was cyclothymic. I am either damaged or powerful- member of power girls or broken girls. What if I was just a girl?

Dates- RLS 2-favor to my dad (having him pay my rent can be a Faustian bargian)dude was old but really nice but i was fairly bored- Thursday night dinner; RMBS(Random Mortgage Banker Set-up)didn't really have a chance to refuse as it came from a friend of my grandmothers who said this was the son of her favorite cousin, REGS (Random English Guy Set-up)when I informed her that I was less religious than my family she asked me if I kept Shabbat and then when I told her I wore pants, she advised that I not wear one on a first date. Because misrepresenting yourself always works out so well. Dude has been to a bar once and had one G&T. He seemed nice but really boring. We'll see tomorrow afternoon; REGS will be on Tuesday night- set up through my sister's sister-in-law, he apparently is successful but hasn't been to college which might have been a dealbreaker before Jack and without considering Seymour. still waiting to hear from RLS 1 since he returned from his trip on Wednesday. Just trying to rack up the stars. Don't really have any big hopes for anyone and I dont' even know if i would be ready if one of them would turn out to be a contender.

The secret to happiness

My dear anonymous audience,
I think we are all just trying to figure out how to be happy. So I was thinking that i would share some of the best advice I had gotten on the subject so I started this post and then like so many others it was just hanging out in the draft netherworld until I got this article forwarded from joan. http://newyorkmetro.com/news/features/17573/
thanks sweetie
So years ago when I was lamenting my miserable state and bemoaning the fact that I didnt' think I would ever be happy and I didn't know how to work on being happy, Lilah told me not to work on being happy but to work on being a good person and the happiness would come. I have to say that this ranks among the best advice I have ever received (another one from my mom is that if you are going to do something, do it graciously- i try to live up to both of these edicts, not always successfully). So I tried to be a good person. I wasn't sure how to do that and that is when I really started getting involved in community work and volunteering. It just felt like a tangible way to be a good person. It seemed less amorphous. My motivation may not have been entirely pure since this conversation had been triggered by my break up with Kermit. At the time I felt like I was too good for Kermit, that he was beneath me in some way(It was this ridiculous epiphany a couple of months ago that it just wasn't true and it was arrogant and misguided to think of him that way- it wasn't good for me and it just wasn't true). However, I felt like the only area he "had me" on was community service. So in true petty fashion, I decided to beat him at his own game or at least make sure that there was no area in which he was superior to me. When all is said and done, trying to be a good person (whatever that means) did make me happier.
I can't claim to have taken the following advice quite as well as I should have but perhaps one day I will. Martin Seligman and Chris Peterson started positive pyschology and the website www.authentichappiness.com. I was instructed by GT2 to go to the site and fill out the questionnaire and then try to use each of the strengths they identified for me. He also told me to think of 3 three things at the end of each day that went well and try to attribute a personal cause to them. Apparently it is the most effective intervention for lasting happiness. I did it for a few days. I should probably try it again.
I recommend these methods/interventions/whatever. Maybe they can help you be a happier you- and it's that really what we all are looking for? The elusive secret to happiness? maybe these are it
I love you guys
-Zoe

This week's edition of 10 facts about me

1- I have almost no sense of fiscal responsibility
2- I almost never pray but when I do at Friday night services i kind of like the singing but still don't like the silent part and don't like to do it for very long and when I show up at the end of services, I don't mind having missed anything. When I was younger and my parents told me to pray, I would often go to a room and read or daydream until I figured enough time had passed and then I would emerge, having "finished praying".
3-I hate movies like "meet the parents"- I just don't think it is funny to watch someone be humiliated.
4- I am more competitive than I would like to admit. Sometimes I wonder if I really want good things for other people.
5- I am a compulsive inviter- generally if I tell someone about my plans or think they have nothing to do i'll invite them to join me. I am trying to control my impulses but it's hard. I think I often think about the person I am inviting but dont' think about the person I have made the plans with previously. Usually it works out but still...
6- I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see people kiss on tv. Hetero, Homo- it used to happen and then it stopped but this week I noticed a recurrence. I guess it is a yearning to connect with someone in a physical way. I suppose I could always get together with Pacey but I'm not that attracted to him and it's not that good. It is basically just an oppurtunity to hone my skills.
7- I think my parents know I wear parents but I dont' wear pants in front of them. I will even put on a skirt in my car if I am coming to their house from school and I didn't wear a skirt that day(I basically only wear a skirt on shabbat and when i am going to see my family). It feels pretty ridiculous.
8-I have a tendency to run late- but i'm trying to work on that.
9-A few years ago I went to an acupuncturist for a while. I even took all the disgusting chinese herbs. And then I applied to grad school for oriental medicine. All part of my attempt to figure myself out and what I should be doing. I have tried lots of things (not drugs though- good to know something has been neglected). I missed an appointment about six months after I started and I just never went back. I dont think it ever did much for me.
10- I painted one of my bedroom walls Benjamin Moore's Million Dollar Red. (thanks sarah for helping me choose the color- or more correctly, choosing it for me) You can tell I painted it myself thanks to all the red splotchs on my ceiling and neighboring walls.

Life's Little Inconsistencies- First Edition

I'll spend an hour (or more) tweezing and picking my hair on my face and legs (and causing unsighlty blemishes) but I consider it a victory if I spend three minutes putting on make-up before I leave the house.

Doing my homework

One of the advantages of being the oldest of five is that when I had homework in elementary school my mom was usually too busy with the other kids to do my homework with me or check on it so she aksed me if i did it and I would just say yes, regardless of whether or not I actually had completed it. I did homework in high school most of the time and in college, I did my homework the semesters that I wasn't depressed. Let's just say my college transcripts are really inconsistent- some are dean's list and some well not so much. Anyway (my favorite segue) I get therapy homework and I try to do it. I try to follow up on the work i am doing in therapy. I try to read the books that are assigned and write and post pictures and think about what i want (this blog grew out of a therapy homework assignment)so this week I was told to recommit myself to my career since it was not getting into school that made me stop believing in myself. And I am trying and I have to say it is helping. I do like psychology. I am excited to start classes in september. I went to the lab on Friday and I got myself there early in the morning and I stayed until 6pm and I did lab work most of the time and I started to feel like I knew what was going on in the lab. I talked to the doc, melanie and ivy about moving forward with the experiment and getting more involved. I felt like it was the first time in a while that I wasn't just talking to them about lab stuff, I was absorbing it and connecting to it.
I met this guy at Casey's birthday party on Sat night and I spoke to him briefly about my studies and research and I felt like I knew what I was talking about and I enjoyed it. The research is interesting and could be important to the field. It isn't the kind of research I want to do forever but it is research I would do for grad school. I do feel like I am gaining skills. Tuesday I have a meeting at Mt Sinai about the research there and I am really excited about it. It is an oppurtunity to finally work with my population of interest.

Reading (books), writing (blog) and 'rithmatic (calories)

Song- for the past few days- Mr Big Shot- I only know a few of the words- "mr big shot da dum, who do you think you are, mr big shot..you're never going to get my heart (repeat)". don't know where the song is from but justine bateman sings it in the movie "satisfaction"- not a shining moment in either julia roberts' or liam neeson's careers; perhaps the pinnacle for justine (although to be fair, juliet and i saw her in "the tv set" at the tribeca film festival and she was pretty good). Totally forgot about the song and the movie but it was on cable a few weeks ago in one of my hibernation stages. Wouldn't recommend it and not sure why I can't get the song out of my head- any two cent analysis would be welcome.
Book- Finished Beach Music and "eh". didn't love it and got bored toward the end, i remembered it being more compelling than i found it to be this time and sadly it's not because i remembered it- it was like reading it for the first time. If only I could remember 50% of what I have learned and read - and experienced!! You know what they say (whomever they are) about remembering your history. Ran into Barnes and Noble on my way home yesterday because I didn't want to ride the subway from 79th to Houston without any reading material. Grace asked me if I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts. So I thought about riding solo (like I had done on the ride up- I thought I would go home and get stuff before I headed uptown to meet Grace to see Me, you and dupree- julia had gotten free passes- i had no interest in seeing it and was not pleasantly surprised) but then I went to B&N and bought "bookseller of kabul" - some guy from the new york review of books recommended it on the brian lehrer show. So far it's pretty good. I brought it to the lab today since I was playing subject and would have some time while Melanie and Ivy put on the electrocap but I ended up doing some reading on Eating Disorders in the jewish community for my project- yay, making a more responsible choice, boo- because i didn't write up the text for the web film that I was doing the research for.
Food- From where we left off last- had iced skim mocha and then iced tea with joan then after appt with 2GT (was told that I don't have to be better than people expect - A is fine, A + unneccesary and that I should be focusing on school and my career now to reclaim the belief in myself that I lost when I didn't get into school among other stuff- perhaps i'll elaborate later) then I bought cute fat clothes, so that I have fun outfits to wear until I lose weight (whenever that may be) and then shared crispy beef with Miranda and had spring rolls and brown rice veggie sushi roll while having dinner with the Power Girls Club. Thursday- protein drink (bolthouse farms- i recommend it- thanks juliet) and a cliff nectar bar, lots of water, worked out with Sally at the gym (almost didnt' make it as I told myself I would go later or I had other things to do and then I just kicked myself in the butt and went- yay,boo- saw myself in the mirror while we were doing ab work and boy did I get fat)then picked up food from supermarket for the movie- Grace bought soy crisps, carrots and guac(she is the queen on the yummy healthy snack) and I bought a tub of Edy's French Silk Lite ice cream and water. I ate some of everything except the carrots. I ate way more than strictly neccesary but I did stop before the food was finished and before I was nauseously full. I did eat after I wasn't hungry though. I could have stopped there but I ended up going for a late dinner with random lawyer set up 2 (see oh so zoe) and shared morrocan app platter (small), morrocan kebabs and macadamia encrusted chicken and fries- i had ordered salad but it was all tomatoes and cukes (ick). Oh and I had a glass of cab. He didn't eat that much of the entree so i followed suit- not that I was even hungry when we walked in.
Today- iced mocha, yogurt, strawberries and granola,iced coffee, 2 slices of pizza, 2 lollipops and a mini reeses (didn't touch the soy chips or papaya that I bought on my way to school). We'll see what tonight brings.
I am on my own for shabbat and I have to say I kind of like having the place to myself. I am going out for dinner tonight but will be home for lunch by myself and will be spending the day with the times, my book, dairy taco fixins and the carpenter if he shows at four (stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to "will zoe's door get fixed?")

Oh so Zoe

Something happened today that was just so me. I am sure everyone can recall the paralyzing (cuz I let it)back pain of last week. I had been taking Skelaxin as a back relaxer and i was pretty doped up. I probably took more than I needed to and some of it may have been to get doped up and not have to think for a while. I had gotten a couple of messages from RLS2 and figured that I had to call him back already so I called while not in top form. We spoke briefly and then made a date for Thursday. I apologized for being out of it and explained the back situation. I was certain that we hadn't set a time for the date and that I hadn't given him my address. I thought that I would hear from him again and I didn't, I then realized that I misplaced his number and couldn't call him back. I had a couple of experiences recently in which I had set days but not times and the guys called back to see if I wanted to meet them in an hour. So I didn't think it was all that weird when I didnt' hear from him, kind of rude but not unheard of. As I didn't have any time constraints, I made plans to see a movie with Grace, I figured that I could make a date with RLS2 that would be later than the movie. While I was in the movie, i see that I missed a call from a 718 number that I realized could be RLS2, Grace told me to be proactive and call him back and that is when I found out that we made a dat for 8 and he was at my door- OOPS!!! I had totally forgotten. He thought I might have been so doped up that I forgot that we set a date but I remembered the date, I was just CERTAIN that he didnt' have my address and we hadn't set a time. Meanwhile he is downtown and I am uptown in my gym clothes. He gave me the option to reschedule and I countered that if he didn't mind hanging out downtown, I would run down, shower and he could pick me up in 40 minutes. He came about 70 minutes later as he didnt think I could really get ready in 10 minutes- but I did.

Consumption- running tally

Scrambled eggs with onions(made by my mom- i'm way too lazy for that) and coffee, Big coffee, 1/3 pound corn nuts while driving to school (wasn't hungry and still ate and finished the container), cantaloupe (cut up by my mom- see above- i went to carringtonville to swim at my aunt karen's house (5o laps) and then stopped at the house to get checks from my parents and my new laptop), whole wheat bagel with cheese, lettuce, onion and mustard and water- now sucking on lollipop to get rid of that taste.
Leaving the lab after doing very little actual pysch research work (if any)- going to meet Joan before appt with second good therapist (2gt) and then meeting power girls club for dinner. Stay tuned for the rest of todays intake and "little big deal"

Little Big Deal

Both Melanie and Ivy thought that my schedule for the fall was going to be too much. Melanie thought Survey of Clinical Neuro would be really difficult for me without some previous neuro classes and Ivy thought that taking both History and Neuroanatomy at the same time would be excessive memorization. At first I completely dismissed their concerns, I felt like I could handle it and really felt like I had something to prove about not getting into school or that perhaps they wouldn't have been able to handle but I could. And then I caught myself and realized that I didn't have to be better than other people or prove anything. I could take some advice from people who have been through the program and take classes that would be managable especially since I want to train to be a rape advocate this fall and I hope to continue my research at Mt Sinai. I don't have to be doing it all and I thought that I was taking classes that would cover every contigency- staying where I am, getting a masters in Neuropsych and applying elsewhere. I spoke to Ivy today and finally listened to her, I didn't just nod my head and dismiss it as advice that I didn't need. She suggested that I take 3 classes and rock them- she said schools will be more impressed with 3 A then 3 As and one B- in any event, I emailed the head of the masters program and told him that I wanted to switch from Clinical Neuro to stats which I am told is very easy and then I will decide if I want to take stats or just take 3 classes.

Apt sweet Apt

After almost a week away, I came back to my apt last night. The AC is not on par with my parents house but I am SO happy to be here. A- Had a good conversation with my mom today- so much easier to get along with my parents when I have some space
B- Woke up whenever I wanted (which was close to noon as I didnt' go to sleep until around 7- reading and mostly due to ill advised late night coke) without any observations re: my schedule
C- Saw my friends and hung out in my 'hood. Love walking around here!- went out to drinks and some dancing with Elle and Juliet at 3 cool places that were all in walking distance. (Merc Bar, Sweet and Vicious, Cafe Condessa). Went to see Wordplay (I thought it was fun but I am a crossword person, Casey liked it and he isn't) at IFC (I love being so close to IFC, Angelica and Film Forum) and went to watch some of World Cup game at Cubroom on my corner. I
So happy to be home! I dont think I am going to go to my parents for a while (other than to pick up stuff like my new Macbook)

Just the facts

Song playing in my head last night as I was in bed reading Beach Music (some good moments but not find it as compelling as I had remembered it to be)- Blurry by Puddle of Mudd (I had to search on internet to identify the name of the song). Lyrics can be found on www.lyricsfreak.com or can be provided upon request (I will paste them into the comments section if anyone requests then in the comments section- insidious plot to drive comment?)
Food Consumption yesterday and today (always a fun one)- yesterday- onion soup, iced coffee, half a serving of chilean sea bass in saffron sauce with steamed veggies, one cookie, a low fat frappucino bar (java mocha- totally recommended), water, 3 cherries, penne with pesto and caramel macchiato. Three cocktails (some fruity/sour martini called Love, chocolate martini and white russian) and can of coke
today- onion soup, sinless sweet cream ice cream from cold stone (medium), small cottage cheese with small bag of fritos, bag of carrots with onion dip, bag of cheddar kettle chips and one serving of brownie batter ice cream and a pom black tea- also water and crystal light.
Exercise- 50 laps of the crawl yesterday and walking and dancing with Juliet and Elle (but I don't think it was really enough to count but it was more than I did today)
Felt full, gross and nauseous after chips and ice cream tonight but no upchucking. I think it has been a while- not since I have had the impulse but since I have given in to it.

Jdate Profile and answers to matchmakers -it's a role i've played (See Integration)

The Essential Stats: MY TRICKS:productive procrastination (except if you think acheiving proficiency at Spider Solitaire isn't an accomplishment,and then let me tell you I don't play the easy version), making a short story long (well, the details are all fascinating to me and doesn't every anecdote need context?), surviving on minimal sleep, editing other people's admission essays, making up words to songs as I sing them to Munchkin, my nephew (I mean who knows any lyrics after "Davey, Davey Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier"?) DEFICIENCIES: Complete inability to see hidden images in any Magic Eye pictures, crocheting anything FAVORITE WAYS TO AVOID STUDYING OR WORKING ON RESEARCH PROJECTS: Pilates, Scuba, Snowboarding, Surfing,"Book clubbing" with my brother, checking out indie movies or gallery exhibits that I hear about on NPR or in the Times, traipsing around the Village and people watching (often at the same time), Volunteer work, international travel, road trips, trying anything new. PET PEEVES: Ads for Pharmaceuticals ("So, I saw this commercial and I think I might have Alzheimers, the other day I opened the fridge and I couldn't remember what I was looking for, so can you prescribe some Aricept for me?"), commercials at the movies (If I've paid $10 I shouldn't have to subsidize my ticket by being part of a captive consumer audience), People who make left turns from the right lane, Shopping. (Usually I con my mother and sister into doing it for me and I get really cute clothes!), people who ask questions in class (or elsewhere) just to hear themselves talk (sweetie, you don't sound smart when you summarize what we all should have read).

My perfect first date: Skydiving (actually I found it to be anticlimatic), flying lessons, trapeze school or hanging out in a park, museum or coffeehouse (not Starbucks- someplace with character)and laughing at each other's jokes.
My ideal relationship: Honest communication, having a sense of humor about yourself and the other person. Spending time with someone that you never get bored of and who can make a flat tire on a road trip feel like a good time. I hope to meet someone who inspires me to be a better person just by virtue of who he is and somehow thinks I do the same for him. Then we can change the world together. In the context of a relationship I can put someone's need before my own and I would love to meet someone who does the same. And in an ideal relationship, there are always oppurtunities for spontaneous adventures.
My past relationships: Be honest with yourself and with the other person and if you get a feeling that this probably isn't it, it probably isn't. Accept it and move on, don't try to make something work that isn't or talk yourself into it because someone is great. And don't try to recapture the way it once was, if the way it is now exceeds that first bright spark.

It is really important to me that someone be smart and ambitious. I love what I am studying and am really excited to be going back to school and I am pretty driven. I like people who are similarly passionate about what they do. Confidence is key- but NOT arrogance. I really want someone extraordinary (who doesn't?). It is important to me that someone have really strong personal character and moral fiber. I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person by virtue of who they are. I am someone who in the context of a relationship subverts my needs for the other and I need to be with someone who does the same. Openminded, funny, family-oriented, cute (I tend to go for the preppy look). Someone with a sense of communal responsibility. I am on the OU youth commission as well as the board of Ohel and have helped organize multiple fundraisers as well. I want someone who is successful and a consummate mensch. I need someone who knows who they are and doesn't just follow the pack.

I like people who are laid-back and flexible. I define "nice" as being kind to everyone, not just to friends or others who can furnish some desired outcome. It's important to me that someone can both define and exemplify personal character. If something is important to you, your behavior should reflect that. Everyone can pontificate regarding an issue and offer solutions, not everyone tries to implement them. Ideally, I would love to be in a relationship with someone who makes me a better person by virtue of who he is and can make the same claim about me. I want someone who is capable of putting someone else's needs before their own. I like people who are fun and "up for anything". Be willing to try skydiving, a really off broadway production or some bizarre cuisine. Everything is worth attempting once and I like people with curiosity and energy. Don't just say you'll try it, let's go tomorrow. I prefer people who know what a sarcophagus is and who know that Mt. Kilimanjaro and Helsinki at not in close proximity- after a particulary uninspired blind date, these became the criteria (similar to "the Kissinger test" that I heard some people utilize). My family has mocked this as intellectual snobbery- but really, it's fairly basic, i'm not asking about anything that esoteric. And as a friend said - (adapted from Shaw)-"intellecutal snobbery is what intellectual curiousity is called by those who don't possess it". It's more fun when people who gets my humor- apparently not everyone does but my best friend insists i'm witty and hilarious. Admittedly not at 4 am when I should be finishing up studying cognitive neuroscience. Most of my friends are confident, fun, smart, interesting people with some neuroses (see interesting) and generally people with strong personal character.And I like people who are passionate about what they do, independent, strong and quirky. Finally, dream big and dream often.

Conversations with my parents the mom edition

1- She keeps telling me that we need to find something for me to wear to my cousin's upcoming wedding b/c I clearly won't fit into the gown I wore to Sophie and Alex's wedding and I shouldn't have given away the outfit I wore to my cousin Harry's wedding - this is a recurring theme as I give away fat clothes when I lose weight and then have nothing to wear when I gain it back. Each time my mom tells me that next time she will keep my clothes and of course each time I lose the weight I think that it is for real and I wont' need my larger clothes again.
2- My mom actually reference my bulimia today- albeit in terms of her wish that I not speak about it on video for the eating disorder project. We briefly discussed the option of speaking with a blurred face and voice but she would prefer I not do that either as I am producing the video and she thinks it there is enough fodder for speculation about my motivation already.

Upcoming posts- Graveyard of past relationships, Practicing Moderation and Matchmaking

This week's edition of ten facts about me

1- Sometimes I can be an interruptski but I am trying to work on it
2- I love cooked cauliflower, tomatoes and broccoli but abhor them all raw- also love pickles but hate cucumbers.
3- I have been skydiving and found it underwhelming, I may have thrown up on the way down
4- I am not sure I have totally grown out of being a people pleaser/affection buyer
5- My favorite food is ice cream. My favorite flavors are Baskin Robbins World Class Chocolate (I had some on Friday and it was as good as ever), Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter and Haagen Dazs Mayan Chocolate.
6- I have 3 pairs of glasses and two pairs of prescription sunglasses and I get new glasses every 6 months or so but I haven't had my eyes checked in years. I rarely wear contacts but when I do they are green.
7- I can spend hours picking ingrown hairs out of my legs with tweezers, I find it oddly compelling and relaxing and keep promising myself I will stop (as I have red dots and scars all over my legs) but I keep doing it.
8- I love the beach at night, I love the crashing water in the dark and also love eating or drinking outside on a nice night.
9- I wish I were less envious and more capable of being truly happy for other people. I think I have been like that at times, times when I have been happier and more confident but I don't know if I was really like that or I just wanted to be badly enough that I convinced myself that I was.
10- Notable personalities in my romantic history are Max, who came out and then married a woman 6 months later; Kermit who was green and Caleb, my fake boy friend crutch for over 2 years.

E-mail Correspondence with Aurora- reprinted with permission

From Aurora who is currently traveling with friends after a 2 week organized trip (I miss her and can't wait for her to come back but I am excited that this is proving to be such a good experience for her- if also a bit envious)
one of the greatest parts of the trip was how everyone in the group opened up so freely and honestly that i really feel that i am a better, or at least, happier, free-er person than when i left. i thought i'd share this with you cuz i feel like you might appreciate this - so nearly every day we had a session on spirituality and everyone had to share their thoughts with the group. not feeling particularly spiritual (and at first very resistant to such exercises) i could never come up with a good comment, and hated that. finally, the last night of the trip -last shabbat at seudah shlishit we had to open up for the last time and i finally was able to express something real and true - maybe not spiritual exactly, but authentic. so i got up (and i was the last person to speak) and, fighting back embarassing tears, i said taht the hardest part of the trip for me was not the extreme sports or the hiking or rapelling, because i can do any of those things easily. the hardest part for me, and one of the most transformative aspects of the trip was being with a group of 30 strangers who were so free with their thoughts and feelings and i admired and respected the way they shared with each other and longed to be able to finally do the same. after that all these ppl kept coming up to me and hugging me and it was so weird and freeing and great. ppl often say (and tell me) that i'm cool, but i know it's not a good thing, because it really just means that i don't let them or anyone see my vulnerable side so i keep ppl at a distance. my goal right now, for the rest of my tri pand the rest of my life is to stay connected to ppl - to have real meaningful relationships with others and of course with myself. its taken me sooooo long to get to this place - and so much unhappiness along the way, but i am just glad to say that right now, today, i'm ok, maybe even happy. as for tomorrow, we'll see. right now i take it one day at a time...

My response-
thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and story from the trip- i really appreciate it! it's great to hear how this is working for you and i'm looking forward to finding something that works for me. it's good to hear that you might be happy- i htink you are- some of us have a harder time recognizing it. and i have to say that i think your goals are great and that you are right about letting people see your vulnerabilty and really see you- i guess a lot of the time, i want people to think i'm cool and it's fun when they do but ultimately lonely b/c they dont' really know me. i guess this blog is among other things an attempt to work on it and that is why i share it with a few select people that i think will get it. people i think i can have meaningful relationships with.
if you dont' mind i would love to paste some of this correspondence (really just about the cool stuff) on my blog as well as link to your blog- i think the few people that see my blog would appreciate it, i am starting to think of it as the broken girls club but people are on different stages of their journey and can be inspirational b/c i'm trying to remember that i dont have stay a broken girl.
so good to hear from you- keep me updated on waht you are doing and thinking

Aurora has a really great blog as well- I will send the link to anyone who is interested- let me know

Broken Girls Club

Lilah took some exception to the term Broken Girls Club so I'll clarify. Broken doesn't mean that it can't be fixed.In fact, one of the reasons I am forming this "club" is to get inspiration from the other members. I am not interested in just commiserating with the others but I am interested in looking at the others to help me find my way. I look at Joan and I see how she is happy and married and moving forward with her life. And last week she told me that she used to also avoid being in pictures and lost pieces of her life just the way I do but now she owns who she is and what she looks like because this is her and this is her life. So this week I took a bunch of picutres- well 3 and that is a bunch for me and I definitely looked fat but I also looked cuteandI looked like me, a bloated me but still me. And Lilah is always my rock and makes me believe that I dont' have to be broken and that I can be a pretty terrific me when I fix myself. Aurora is a new member, well not a new member but my knowledge of her membership is new and her courage and attempts to reach out to me and others and be happy and whole. I love you guys a lot and you make remember how this is worth it. I am sure there are other members that I am forgetting now but I'll update the roster later. Sorry for any oversights.
PS- Broken doesn't mean unhappy or crazy or troubled. There are some people like Rach and Diedre are deliberate omissions because I don't think they recognize their status and they aren't working toward fixing themselves. I omitted Stella because I think any issues she may have are not born of misguided love and she is not tortured by herself in the same way. Feeling lonely or unhappy because you are single or just being a chocolate or neurotic is not sufficient inclusion criteria. Later we may inaugurate a few male honorary members.

Lyrics

So Thursday night as I was washing up I was singing to myself, "I think I love you but what am I so afraid of" and others songs played through my head all weekend and now I am thinking about the Dave Matthews Song- So Much to Say but I am singing it as either "nothing to say" or "too much to say", it took me a couple of minutes to remember the correct lyrics. I guess that is what I am feeling like now- I have too much and nothing to say. I haven't blogged all weekend and stuff definitely happened (in the way that somehow minute details and non-events and random musings become blog worthy) but nothing really happened. I suppose I just don't know where to start. So obviously I wanted to go to sleep without starting at all but I figured if nothing else I would check in regarding my mental lyrics.
In terms of progress these past few days have been a mixed bag- pretty bad on the eating front but not as bad on the getting out a bit and being a little more active front. Tied on the getting dressed and looking cute front.
Currently reading two books I picked up at Lois and Clark's over the weekend- "Being Single in a Couple's World"- if reading the intro counts as being in midst of reading it. I am trying not to be disdainful of self help books. God knows, I need to help myself. I am wary of anything that is a best-seller, mass marketed or pop anything- but that is just the snob in me and probably not born of my best impulses. I am also rereading Beach Music as I was looking for something to read at Lois's (I could have just read the other book but that didn't seem like bedtime reading) and I remembered enjoying Beach Music and that I didnt' really remember it as I had read it about ten years ago. As I read it (and enjoy it again) I am struck my how I romanticize pain and suffering and mental illness when I read about it. I am jealous of the friendship between the protaganist and his best friend and the bond they share as victims of child abuse and the strength in them. It makes me feel small and selfish for feeling angry at my parents because of their misguided love (thanks aurora for giving it a perfect name) and yet I also realize that in some way Lilah and I have that kind of friendship too, bonded by parents who don't quite get us and it isnt' very romantic. I am drawn to Jack McCall and his love for his wife and the melodrama and tragedy of it. I don't know what I want in and from another person.
I feel like I want to grow up and figure myself out and then date but sometimes I think I want to be with someone. I guess I want to find someone if I could find the right someone and I want to be in a good relationship but I dont' know if I would recognize the right someone or know who to be in a good relationship and I certainly don't feel like I know how to get there. I'm up to 3 random set up guys (2 lawyers and a mortgage banker) - they each have their own fairly ridiculous story that could only happen to me (all for different reasons).
In related news, my soul brother Holden is going through his own romantic ambiguity drama and it's weird for me on a bunch of levels. I harbor this notion that he is somehow a different version of me, a male, younger version who was gifted by being fourth rather than first child. I am not sure that is in any way accurate. I am starting to wonder if that like so many other things is a lie I told myself. A deliberate illusion that I kept for some reason. I love him and I think he is amazing in so many ways but I'm not sure he is really like me or even gets me in any special way. I considered sending him my blog and then realized it would probably be too much information (especially if I talk about friends with benefits or hooking up or other things that I hope I will get the oppurtunity to discuss). He really loves me but I wonder if I ascribed a certain kind of love to him because I wanted to have it in my life. Maybe I just wanted to have a sibling that really got me and it was part of the image that I wanted to build of myself. I say that my siblings are my five (I include the brother in law) favorite people in the world but I think i may just want to be the kind of person who says that. I love them a lot and speak to them pretty regularly and I like to think we are close and in some ways they really know me but I wonder if they really KNOW me. I think they are phenomenal people andI love spending time with them but I wonder if I have been entirely honest with myself about them, if I haven't been seeing things clearly, choosing to see them as less complex than they actually are. Have I been doing myself a disservice by seeing what I want to see as opposed to what is there?
Wow, life can be really confusing when you aren't sure that you know who you are, what you want, what you think and you're not sure what is real. Is anything real or is reality just want you see? Not sure that makes sense but in an odd and tired way, I know what I mean.
If I get a chance tomorrow (and I should) I hope to blog about cousin Jonah and spirituality and God; Lois and Clark and their relationship; the broken girls club