Time for some brutal honesty
I feel really anxious about hurting Rianna. I hurt someone and I think I should feel bad about it and I hate feeling like I am in the wrong and I want to look like the good guy. I think I am more concerned about me and how this looks than about her. Why did I send her my blog when I had written about her? I say it was to help her, to show her that other people are struggling as they try to grow up- is that true? Am I oversharing the blog? Did I share it to show off, bare my progress in some way? Am I sending it to too many people and therefore censoring myself more than I should? I can't write about people who read the blog in the same way that I write about people who don't. I am not sure if the blog is supposed to represent reality or just the truth as it seems to me at that moment- maybe it is supposed to help me reconcile the two. If I am lying to myself, how does sharing that lie and calling it full disclosure and honesty help me? Am I epecting too much from a plastic keyboard and a patch in cyberspace?
Do I care about hurting someone or do I care about looking bad?
I wrote her an e-mail to apologize and as Lilah suggested, I tried to strike the right balance without becomign defensive or groveling, I don't know if I succeeded and I am not sure I had the proper motivation. How can I make someone feel like they aren't special and then be concerned with how it makes me look or what the potential repurcussions might be. As I was writing to her, I realized part of it was really honest- I talk to my parents about my friends and their lives so I have something to talk to them about. I dont' talk to them about me and my life andmy parents aren't interested in what is going on with my friends.
I was going to take a nap before people came for dinner but I am not sure I want to face the quiet time and the thinking.
My phone call with RMMS didn't go that well because I wasn't into it. I was boring and only half there. I am not really interested in him - i'm not sure why- maybe because he lives with his mom or maybe because my aunt set it up and i am far from confident that she knows me or maybe because I think his job sounds boring. I am not sure, perhaps the problem is that my aunt kept telling me how nice he is and although I think I want a nice guy (see what women want) I dont' really. Do I want someone who will treat me well or someone that looks good because they are funny and accomplished. I guess it mgiht be OK to want both, but do I? I hate that RMDPHS didn't call and I hate that i am preoccupied about it. Of course part of me is tempted to be breezy, cool girl and call him and ask him out but that part is a lot smaller than it would have been in the past(could it be pride? or just finally realizing that if a guy doesn't like you enough to call back then he doesn't really want to see you and nothing productive will come of the date?) As time passes without him calling, is my interest growing. Is he summoning Electra? I know he is not that great, he is cute and smart and funny and ambitious and I guess I liked that we went to Aquagrill and that I felt like I staked my claim (see Staking my claim) but it wasn't a great date. It was an OK date and I didn't feel like he brought out my most fun self but I thought that was good. I thought it was natural and normal and that moving slowly might be right for me. But I can't move slowly, I have to build him up in my mind. In some ways he reminds me of DWLI 1 and 2 and part of me wonders if they are out of my league in some way and part of me wonders if the problem is that I like them for the wrong reasons and part of me thinks this is exactly who I should be going for and this is who I have been working on myself to be with (among other motivations for personal growth). Maybe i'm kidding myself that I am ready to grow up or tht I am growing up. As much I might not want to, maybe I should just lie down now and let myself think for a while- what am I so scared of finding out?
Maybe I am looking for all the wrong things and misvaluing things- I guess the real question is why?
Do I care about hurting someone or do I care about looking bad?
I wrote her an e-mail to apologize and as Lilah suggested, I tried to strike the right balance without becomign defensive or groveling, I don't know if I succeeded and I am not sure I had the proper motivation. How can I make someone feel like they aren't special and then be concerned with how it makes me look or what the potential repurcussions might be. As I was writing to her, I realized part of it was really honest- I talk to my parents about my friends and their lives so I have something to talk to them about. I dont' talk to them about me and my life andmy parents aren't interested in what is going on with my friends.
I was going to take a nap before people came for dinner but I am not sure I want to face the quiet time and the thinking.
My phone call with RMMS didn't go that well because I wasn't into it. I was boring and only half there. I am not really interested in him - i'm not sure why- maybe because he lives with his mom or maybe because my aunt set it up and i am far from confident that she knows me or maybe because I think his job sounds boring. I am not sure, perhaps the problem is that my aunt kept telling me how nice he is and although I think I want a nice guy (see what women want) I dont' really. Do I want someone who will treat me well or someone that looks good because they are funny and accomplished. I guess it mgiht be OK to want both, but do I? I hate that RMDPHS didn't call and I hate that i am preoccupied about it. Of course part of me is tempted to be breezy, cool girl and call him and ask him out but that part is a lot smaller than it would have been in the past(could it be pride? or just finally realizing that if a guy doesn't like you enough to call back then he doesn't really want to see you and nothing productive will come of the date?) As time passes without him calling, is my interest growing. Is he summoning Electra? I know he is not that great, he is cute and smart and funny and ambitious and I guess I liked that we went to Aquagrill and that I felt like I staked my claim (see Staking my claim) but it wasn't a great date. It was an OK date and I didn't feel like he brought out my most fun self but I thought that was good. I thought it was natural and normal and that moving slowly might be right for me. But I can't move slowly, I have to build him up in my mind. In some ways he reminds me of DWLI 1 and 2 and part of me wonders if they are out of my league in some way and part of me wonders if the problem is that I like them for the wrong reasons and part of me thinks this is exactly who I should be going for and this is who I have been working on myself to be with (among other motivations for personal growth). Maybe i'm kidding myself that I am ready to grow up or tht I am growing up. As much I might not want to, maybe I should just lie down now and let myself think for a while- what am I so scared of finding out?
Maybe I am looking for all the wrong things and misvaluing things- I guess the real question is why?
posted by Zoe at 7:59 PM
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Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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Really amazing! Useful information. All the best.
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