Love Hurts

Loving people can hurt because their disappointments are your disappointments. Both Will and Holden got dumped this week. Will went out with this girl 3 times and had a great time and really liked her and she decided that even though she had a great time she isn't sure that he is outgoing enough for her and she was concerned by the few awkward pauses in conversation. Holden had prolonged drama with his best friend from high school and they finally went out on Sunday and she called him last night to tell him that had she been honest with herself she would have realized that they are never going to be anything more than friends. I hate seeing them hurt and it is just making me feel anxious and sick to my stomach. They both turned to Sophie and Alex and I guess on some level that bothers me but honestly I am also kind of relieved because I don't really have anything to offer them. I can't make them feel better. I spoke to Will today and I fed him all the platitudes and I know they don't' help (as Niles said on Frasier when in the history of time did the phrase it's her loss ever make anyone feel better- or something to that effect). I was feeling calm as I was driving home and now I am just a ball of nerves. And my parents aren't even home! Although my dad did call and we spoke for 2 minutes and then he spoke to Sophie for 20 minutes. And of course I am so paranoid that I overheard soem comment she made and immediately started thinking about how it could be about me (clearly I assumed some negative connotation).
I wish that I could make the people I love happy. I feel so powerless when faced with the despair of someone I love. My heart hurts. And in some ways I am so selfish because it is making me feel anxious about my dating life and about RMDPHDS. Maybe if I'm honest with myself I was feeling anxious about it before. I hate this unsettled feeling. For some reason I feel like I am outside myself looking in, evaluating myself and seeing how someone else might see me. It is a terrible feeling, I hate that I am not just feeling like me and living in the moment. I know I am lucky and I feel so blessed that I have such good friends and people who love me and I am happy to feel connected to people but for some reason now I just feel like I am at loose ends.
This afternoon, I had a productive meeting at Sinai and I was thinking about how right GT2 was about focusing on my career and schoolwork and how amazing it was that it had such an immediate effect. I guess like many immediate effects it was transient. Hopefully I will get my bearings back. I have been re-esatblishing my position in the lab and things at Sinai are moving along and I have plans to see Susan and G-d with Joan tomorrow night, followed by drinks with Joan and Bobby and maybe a few others. Just like good feelings pass, so do the bad ones. I think I will try to swim or exercise after dinner to see if I can give it a push out the door.