Just a whiff of disinterest makes the panting start

What is wrong with me? I just came back from a date with REGS and he isn't really cute- dude is balding, has crows feet, unfortunate shoes and english teeth and is so skinny that I am pretty sure I weigh twice as much as he does and yet...I totally would have invited him up (stella is out of town) and had my way with him had I thought he would come up. And that is SO not protocol on Jewish set-ups and yet...I don't know if I really wanted to get to know him or date him but there was just something about him. He was perfectly nice but I think he was pretty disinterested. I looked cute and I was fun. As we were listening to the performers at the open mike night I kept trying to tell myself to be myself, relax and just let it be. See what happens. I wasn't anxious but I felt myself trying. Sunday with RMBS I was indifferent to him and that seemed to work. I tried to be indifferent to REGS but I couldn't help it I felt disappointed when he dropped me off after open mike night. I recalled how on Sunday I couldn't wait to get back home and I think that is how he felt tonight. i guess it serves me right- all the dates that I try to hurry so that i could go out with my friends after, that was me tonight. And I don't even know why I care. He is older than I would like and not educated and doesn't read but there is just something about him. I guess this is what they call chemistry and it doesn't neccesarily work both ways. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter because I am going out with RLS 1, who finally resurfaced after his trip, on Thursday and RMDPHDS is supposed to call sometime this week. Oh the joys of dating!
I guess what worries me is that it wasn't chemistry that drew me to REGS but his disinterest. Somehow that made Jack and DWLI 2 exciting? Am I that warped? And if so how do I stop? It is amazing how I can go from loving being me at 8 pm- I spoke to Joan and made plans to run with her on Friday morning, I spoke to someone who is invterviewing me for the radio about my eating disorder project, I was excited to be going to an event that I wanted to attend- to hating being me at 10. It is a volatile life that I lead. I hate being confused and feeling damaged and thinking that i won't allow myself to be happy. I won't allow myself to connect with the right guy. and I dont' know what to do about it. I dont' know how to make it better. I think I will try to get to bed early. I am just exhausted and it is only 10:30 but hopefully i'll actually get a good night's sleep.