The Juicy(?) Bits
It's after 2 in the morning and I should really get to bed as I was up relatively early this morning and would like to get to the lab early tomorrow. However, my list of things to remember to mention is growing and i haven't been blogging so I will try to provide a brief update of more salient points with some of my trademark over-analysis and I will try to do better tomorrow.
I was talking to my dad on Sunday and I was telling him that Deidre broke up with her boyfriend (she called me crying on sat night to tell me how sad she was about it even though i haven't spoken to her in weeks and it was months prior to that, i think she may have expected me to run over and comfort her and a past version of me might have done that, driven by a motivation to play the savior or be the perfect friend or to get involved in someone else's drama. I didn't offer to come over or to meet her, i gave her a run-down of my weekend and offered to meet her during any of the gaps in my schedule should she so desire. YAY progress. I think I was compassionate and appropriate. If Sarah or Lilah or many others had called me like that I would have skipped Casey's party or made a brief apperance on my way over to their apt but Deidre and I dont' have that kind of relationship. I would never expect her to do that for me if the situation was reversed.In fact, I wouldn't even tell her for a while if I broke up with someone (ah, remember breaking up with someone, it was part of the whole dating and relationship thing- wow, that is a faint memory) because she is not someone I speak to often or confide in or particularly miss when we don't speak. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her when she is not a drama queen and her recent behavior suggests that her affliction is very much improved. Trying not to be den mom and therapist, trying to shift the dynamic in relationships that are all about the other person's problems. Walking away from the very attractive wise, amazing, advice giver friend role is tough. I am trying not to need it to validate me and i am also trying to acknowledge that relationships that are all about the other person are that way because I allow them to be so. i have to take responsibility for my role in my relationships rather than resenting the other)- So back to my dad, he didn't remember that Deidre ex isn't Jewish and when I mentioned it he said "wow, she must really hate her parents". It wasn't until I was swimming on Monday afternoon that I replayed that back in my head and realized how warped that is- choosing your own path and values is not neccesarily a rejection of your parents. I guess my dad still thinks thatI wear pants and dont' pray to punish him (or he might think it is due to laziness, he doesnt' attribute my motivation to conviction. I suppose that is why he thinks I'm not grateful that my parents are supporting me because if I were really grateful I would be more religious. My parents seriously think I am not religious and I think they believe that they accept it. They display this "acceptance" by acknowledging it in jokes. I was telling my mom today that I met this Jewish non-observant couple at the bar on my corner while I was watching the world cup. After the game I invited them to friday night dinner and my mom was laughing "oh, you're doing jewish outreach? you, miss religious". Actually I am not doing outreach, I just like them and want to hang out with them and think they would like the other jewish people who live downtown, I am not expecting them to fall in love with the beauty of shabbat and become observant. I don't care if they are observant. Which I guess is pretty weird since I am on the board of a national jewish youth outreach organization and a commissioner of the long island region. I like the identity and the community and I am more interested in the work they do with youth that bolsters their esteem and gives kids in public school a sense of jewish identity. I am less interested in their straight up outreach work.
Holden asked me today if I am speaking in the film I am producing on eating disorders. I told him that out of respect for my parents' wishes I am not. He wanted to know if it was because they dont' want anyone to know, they think the other people who are sharing their stories are courageous but they don't want me to be one of them. He seemed to think that if I were married, my parents would care less. I think that they don't even think I have a story to tell. I don't think they really believe it. I was never hospitalized and I avoided chronic health issues (unless you don't discount my tendency to throw up when I have drunken too much water- including before Yom Kippur, on the street in Jerusalem, right outside the president's residence- it was not a political statement). Holden asked me if they know, I told him they know but I don't think they really believe it and they never talk to me about it. Even when I went to see my internist to talk about not being able to swim without vomiting, my parents didn't acknowledge that this could be a consequence of the abuse I inflicted on my GI tract. I also told Holden that I am not sure what I would say. I don't feel like I have a story to tell. I guess I think that stories are supposed to be cohesive and have a theme and a plot and I am not sure I can speak about something that I dont' even know if I understand. I can't get up there and talk about how everyone in my family is naturally thin and that is why I have an eating disorder or my parents were overly critical regarding my diet and appearance and that is why I have an eating disorder. It just feels a lot more complex than some of the stories people tell. I'm not sure why this happened to me. I'm not sure why I did this to myself. Maybe once I feel like I have a grasp on it I will feel like i can speak about it. Perhaps as the film production progresses I will become ready to be filmed. I had two good meetings with potential interviewees today and they responded well to me and my ideas and I am reclaiming my belief in myself regarding this project and my knowledge of the disorders both of which have been fairly absent of late.
I have a date tomorrow night with REGS. I would like to go to a local open mike night. I hope he is amenable. I was really happy yesterday that I switched the plans for my date with RMBS and went to watch the world cup in the bar, I want to be able to incorporate dating into doing the things I want to do. I would hate to give up doing something that sounds fun to sit at starbucks for 2 hours. (it is only a real issue with limited edition events like tomorrow night and world cup- i am not going to just take guys with me to see a movie I want to see). I wore pants yesterday against matchmaker advice and I was casual and myself. I would love to be able to be myself with the contenders and not just with the non-contenders. If the contenders like me than they really like who I am and if they don't like me then it's not a good fit.
I was talking to my dad on Sunday and I was telling him that Deidre broke up with her boyfriend (she called me crying on sat night to tell me how sad she was about it even though i haven't spoken to her in weeks and it was months prior to that, i think she may have expected me to run over and comfort her and a past version of me might have done that, driven by a motivation to play the savior or be the perfect friend or to get involved in someone else's drama. I didn't offer to come over or to meet her, i gave her a run-down of my weekend and offered to meet her during any of the gaps in my schedule should she so desire. YAY progress. I think I was compassionate and appropriate. If Sarah or Lilah or many others had called me like that I would have skipped Casey's party or made a brief apperance on my way over to their apt but Deidre and I dont' have that kind of relationship. I would never expect her to do that for me if the situation was reversed.In fact, I wouldn't even tell her for a while if I broke up with someone (ah, remember breaking up with someone, it was part of the whole dating and relationship thing- wow, that is a faint memory) because she is not someone I speak to often or confide in or particularly miss when we don't speak. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her when she is not a drama queen and her recent behavior suggests that her affliction is very much improved. Trying not to be den mom and therapist, trying to shift the dynamic in relationships that are all about the other person's problems. Walking away from the very attractive wise, amazing, advice giver friend role is tough. I am trying not to need it to validate me and i am also trying to acknowledge that relationships that are all about the other person are that way because I allow them to be so. i have to take responsibility for my role in my relationships rather than resenting the other)- So back to my dad, he didn't remember that Deidre ex isn't Jewish and when I mentioned it he said "wow, she must really hate her parents". It wasn't until I was swimming on Monday afternoon that I replayed that back in my head and realized how warped that is- choosing your own path and values is not neccesarily a rejection of your parents. I guess my dad still thinks thatI wear pants and dont' pray to punish him (or he might think it is due to laziness, he doesnt' attribute my motivation to conviction. I suppose that is why he thinks I'm not grateful that my parents are supporting me because if I were really grateful I would be more religious. My parents seriously think I am not religious and I think they believe that they accept it. They display this "acceptance" by acknowledging it in jokes. I was telling my mom today that I met this Jewish non-observant couple at the bar on my corner while I was watching the world cup. After the game I invited them to friday night dinner and my mom was laughing "oh, you're doing jewish outreach? you, miss religious". Actually I am not doing outreach, I just like them and want to hang out with them and think they would like the other jewish people who live downtown, I am not expecting them to fall in love with the beauty of shabbat and become observant. I don't care if they are observant. Which I guess is pretty weird since I am on the board of a national jewish youth outreach organization and a commissioner of the long island region. I like the identity and the community and I am more interested in the work they do with youth that bolsters their esteem and gives kids in public school a sense of jewish identity. I am less interested in their straight up outreach work.
Holden asked me today if I am speaking in the film I am producing on eating disorders. I told him that out of respect for my parents' wishes I am not. He wanted to know if it was because they dont' want anyone to know, they think the other people who are sharing their stories are courageous but they don't want me to be one of them. He seemed to think that if I were married, my parents would care less. I think that they don't even think I have a story to tell. I don't think they really believe it. I was never hospitalized and I avoided chronic health issues (unless you don't discount my tendency to throw up when I have drunken too much water- including before Yom Kippur, on the street in Jerusalem, right outside the president's residence- it was not a political statement). Holden asked me if they know, I told him they know but I don't think they really believe it and they never talk to me about it. Even when I went to see my internist to talk about not being able to swim without vomiting, my parents didn't acknowledge that this could be a consequence of the abuse I inflicted on my GI tract. I also told Holden that I am not sure what I would say. I don't feel like I have a story to tell. I guess I think that stories are supposed to be cohesive and have a theme and a plot and I am not sure I can speak about something that I dont' even know if I understand. I can't get up there and talk about how everyone in my family is naturally thin and that is why I have an eating disorder or my parents were overly critical regarding my diet and appearance and that is why I have an eating disorder. It just feels a lot more complex than some of the stories people tell. I'm not sure why this happened to me. I'm not sure why I did this to myself. Maybe once I feel like I have a grasp on it I will feel like i can speak about it. Perhaps as the film production progresses I will become ready to be filmed. I had two good meetings with potential interviewees today and they responded well to me and my ideas and I am reclaiming my belief in myself regarding this project and my knowledge of the disorders both of which have been fairly absent of late.
I have a date tomorrow night with REGS. I would like to go to a local open mike night. I hope he is amenable. I was really happy yesterday that I switched the plans for my date with RMBS and went to watch the world cup in the bar, I want to be able to incorporate dating into doing the things I want to do. I would hate to give up doing something that sounds fun to sit at starbucks for 2 hours. (it is only a real issue with limited edition events like tomorrow night and world cup- i am not going to just take guys with me to see a movie I want to see). I wore pants yesterday against matchmaker advice and I was casual and myself. I would love to be able to be myself with the contenders and not just with the non-contenders. If the contenders like me than they really like who I am and if they don't like me then it's not a good fit.
posted by Zoe at 2:28 AM
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